Chapter 102: Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death

This is a chapter from the orginal Brutally Honest that never made the "web edition". It was just thoughts I had on a debate that we had in our Social Stratification class. So, it's not funny and it's not sprinkled with personal anecdotes about roommates or anything. It's kind of just me rambling.

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death

Today we had a debate presented to us in class on Civil Liberties and the such. Mostly concerning the Patriot Act of 2001, and how the effects of September 11 have affected our Civil Liberties. How far is too far for the government to take control of our lives? In this I feel that Republicans and Democrats should get along well, but the main flaw is that Republicans believe in getting too involved to persecute people and the Democrats believe in getting too involved to “save” people. What I am trying to say to make sure I didn’t lose anyone is that Democrats fully support aiding its citizens through welfare and Republicans through the Patriot act want to weed out potential terrorist amongst its citizens. So they are still divided in the deeper context. Surface level I think they would get along great! Digression! Digression! Digression! I meant to begin writing about something completely different when I mentioned the debates in class today. So let me collect myself and move forward with what I desired to talk about in this chapter.
It has to do with September 11th and if you find yourself thinking, “What’s going to happen on September 11th?” Then I’m afraid this writing thing has actually made it too long and you as the reader should pick up a history book before continuing. We were talking about September 11th (better known as 9/11) in class today and the speaker asked who still remembered where they were on 9/11. I raised my hand along with everyone else in the classroom. That was almost five years ago and I can still remember everything that happened that morning, and bits and pieces from that afternoon. I was living in Provo at the time, sleeping on my old roommates couch because I had spent the night for some odd reason. Her neighbor came over for a biology book that he had left there the night before and he was knocking on the door. I was out in the living room so I went to open the door for him and he asked if he could go grab the book. I mumbled “yeah sure” as it was really early in the morning. Then he said, “We’re being attacked.” I was confused by his statement and he went on as he couldn’t’ even see me while he looked for his book, “The United States is being attacked.” My first though and first words were, “Yeah right, you’d better come up with something else to keep me awake because I’m going back to bed.” He continued, “I’m not kidding, turn on the news.” My friend didn’t have a television at the time and I told him so. He told me to get dressed and come over to his apartment to see what was going on. So I quickly got dressed, I was a bit panicked by this time as you can imagine. When he had first said that we were being attacked I could barely believe him, America being attacked by terrorist had never crossed my mind. I couldn’t fathom that anyone could actually attack us, and being a naïve 18 year old I couldn’t imagine why they would attack us. I got to his apartment and watched as the first tower of the World Trade Center burned incessantly and the reporter with a voice mixed with a combination of panic and professionalism recounted to those of us who just tuned in what had happened, when it had happened, and what was happening along the east coast. An attack on the Pentagon in Washington D.C. and a plane crash in Pennsylvania which was deduced to have been on its way to D.C. intending to crash into the White House. Goose bumps ran up and down my body as I watched live footage of the first building burning, just then, a second plane flew in so fast that I barely realized what was happening and it struck the second building. The footage was almost instantly replayed in slow motion to us viewers what had happened. The plane flew and crashed into the building as though it was simply a toy and the building was almost as liquid as the surface of a lake, and then the explosion almost instantaneously following. They showed several angles in which the crash could be seen. People could be heard in the background screaming as they watched in horror and helplessness. I remember that morning, in that apartment off of 9th in Provo, Utah, sitting there for hours watching the footage play over and over again as though it were simply a scene from a movie. It didn’t seem real; I didn’t want it to be real. After a while I finally peeled myself away from the new footage and walked home where I began to call my family and my friend whose dad lives in New York. I couldn’t get a hold of anyone and that was something I couldn’t take at the moment. I needed to talk to someone. Finally I got through to my friend who sounded as panicked as I felt. I talked to her until I had to go to work. I couldn’t believe that I had to go to work! I worked at a grocery store, a provider of food which is a necessity for everyone, but I couldn’t fathom why anyone would go grocery shopping today. It was difficult for all of us to handle, having to be “professional” with so many thoughts running through our minds. What was going to happen to our country? Our families? Our Freedom? Was this all the terrorist had or was there more to their plan? I remember one customer coming in and smiling at me and asked me how I was doing. I couldn’t think how to respond to her, had she been completely cut off from all forms of communication and not heard what had happened? Had she not wondered why on a Tuesday afternoon the store was so empty? I couldn’t answer her, I didn’t answer her. I just rang up her order and let her leave.
Today in class we watched the CNN video clip of the plane flying into the second building, it was the exact station I had been watching that morning and it was the very same clip that I watched over and over again. During the debate today I had so many thoughts running through my head. The first group presenting played on our emotions by replaying the clip from 9/11. They were attempting to convince us that the infringement on constitutional rights was necessary in order to procure safety. By showing us this video clip and telling us a story of a group of survivors from 9/11 they had me right where they wanted me. I kept thinking safety is better, safety is better. But then I remembered a quote by Thomas Jefferson, “I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it”. Certainly he didn’t foresee the attack of September 11th but I think that regardless this is still important. How much is too much? When do we start to give up so many of our liberties that we have completely subjected ourselves to the government? How far will we allow the government to go before we have lost all our rights that the Founding Fathers risked their lives to secure for us? John Stossel of ABC News said, “Patrick Henry did not say, ‘Give me absolute safety or give me death’”.
Then the opposing side of the debate came up to present. They informed us of all the “evils” of the Patriot Act and I have to admit that I zoned out a bit during their presentation. It was a question brought up to them after the two groups had finished and were taking questions from the class that really got me thinking about this. Our teacher asked the group that was saying that the government should not be allowed so much control over our civil liberties if they thought that people’s lives were worth giving in our civil liberties for a little government control and comfort. He mentioned the victims who died in 9/11 and how their 911 calls had been released and in them you could hear them say that it was getting hotter, that they couldn’t breathe. Many were asking if they were going to die and all the operators could do was to tell them to pray. I began to think about it and really, what difference does it make the amount of government involvement? Evil happens, it happens every day; every generation must have its combat with a source of prevailing evil. Every generation has had its large difficulty in this never ending war. And almost every time that it has happened within America the government has tried to take control and has screwed up. From early on we see this with the Salem Witch trials where many innocent women were killed to insure a feeling of safety for those who were not burned at the stake or hanged. Then more recently was the attack on Pearl Harbor, many Japanese Americans were sent to American “Concentration Camps” simply because they were Japanese. Many of those people were in conditions not too far off from the German concentration camps. In this sense we had basically allowed our government to take the position of Nazi leaders. Many Japanese Americans denounced their citizenship due to this.
Then there is the modern day witch trail (which all of these seem to be) of McCarthyism. People were accused of being communist, and then they were tried. A trial in which the only way out was to denounce others as communist. This created an endless cycle of a vicious witch hunt where everyone saw red and no one was safe. Who fought the government then? Just a few people, who weren’t afraid to fight, weren’t afraid to show the American public what was happening to this country. I put an emphasis on afraid because I feel that fear is what is produced in situations like this. Fear from the government and the power we have given them when we have given them the power so that we wouldn’t be afraid. Our own government has taken on Gestapo-like characteristics many times before. They, just as the first group presenting, have played on our emotions time and time again, they say they do it in the name of safety, and to alleviate our fears when in all actuality they simply create another form of fear among us. Not a fear of dying by some terrorist act but a fear that we may become their next suspect.

Chapter 101: It’s a Dalmatian Plantation!

So I just e-mailed D&D to cancel our plans for Saturday night. As it turns out I have family coming into town (My sister, Navy Seal Ken, and their sons). I haven’t seen them since Christmas and I want to spend some time with them. I’m going to try to clear up more of the daytime on Saturday too, but we’ll see how well that works. I’m just so sick and tired of being busy all the time, actually I’m not; I’m just sick and tired of more than one thing going on at a time. I also don’t want to hurt D&D’s feelings, but I honestly don’t have any time for him right now anyway, even if I did like him…well, if I did like him I would just include him in the things that keep me busy, but I don’t like him so therefore, whatever, I’m not making much sense right now I’m sure. So I have this thing now, I don’t know when I developed it, but I’ll write an e-mail and I’ll read through it once or twice but then I decide that it’s not worth the brain power to keep going so I just close my eyes and hit the send button. That’s what I did when I cancelled plans with D&D (I didn’t just send a random e-mail the plans for Saturday were made through e-mail to begin with). I told him I would need to grab a rain check because I just found out that family is coming in town. But when I look at a calendar I realize that I am pretty busy until March 1st (It’s February 12th) unless he wants to try to do something on a week night. Maybe I should just tell him that I really don’t have time for anything right now, I’m sorry. And then drop off the radar…you know, move, change my name, delete my Myspace account, etc. Part of me wonders why I can’t just like the person who likes me.

Chapter 100: So cool! This chapter presented to you in technicolor.

So this weekend we had the second Elder’s Quorum dating activity. I decided to go to this one since first, you didn’t have to be asked, and secondly it seemed that all of my roommates would be attending as well. Also I had nothing better to do and it gave me the aura of being busy, ironically enough, to busy to go on a date.
So the activity was supposed to be this progressive dinner, but instead of traveling in groups from house to house the boys traveled from table to table and the girls sat still. I sat with Newbie (man she needs a nickname…any ideas?) For the Appetizers and Salad rounds we actually sat with Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2, funny how that worked out. Before the salads even got to the table Bachelor #2 and I were engaged! Man, these activities work so well! So the details, Bachelor #1 asks, without looking up from his plate, “How’s your family?” Since Bachelor #2 and I were sitting right beside each other I said, “Mine or Bachelor #2’s family?” and he said, “yours,” and laughed but I was like, “well, if you want to be specific, ask specific” (that was in my head not aloud). So, I said that they were good and then Bachelor #2 says, “Well, what you didn’t know is that soon the two families will be one.” And pretty much that’s how he claimed me as his fiancé. So all night we were having fun with it, I threatened to break it off once and said, “I only get engaged to the same person once,” so he’d better be careful. (Note: later that night I broke if off and then immediately took it back). So at one point Bachelor #1 says, “We should go out again.” To which I said, “Okay” nonchalantly. Everyone at the table laughed because of the way I answered and I just shrugged my shoulders, if he is going to bring up going out again in a casual way in front of other people I’ll respond in a casual way. He may want to go out again, if that is true he needs to ask, and when he sincerely asks I will sincerely answer. But you put out these stupid feelers to see if the girl will say ‘yes’ or as I know from past experience how Bachelor #1 works, he drops hints and waits for the girl to ask him. Well, sorry, but I’m not that interested, and the only reason I asked him out the first time was because I had a list I wanted to get through and because I didn’t want Mr. Collins to be the last date of my life. If these guys want to take a girl out they are going to have to start to take chances because that’s certainly what we are doing with them. Then Bachelor #1 starts to say how he is going to marry the girl who answers his question right. One question, one girl. So Newbie and I are intrigued and we ask, “What question is that?” and he says, “What makes you different than any other girl in the ward?” but I thought he said “world” but…whatever it’s the same difference. So I get a smart-alec smirk and say, “My DNA”. Case closed, I don’t have to think about that question anymore. Newbie’s answer, “I’m not looking for marriage.” Good one Newbie…secret high-five. So then I say, “Bachelor #1, what makes you different than all the boys in the ward that I should date you?” I love turning things around on people. Because seriously if you are going to ask a question you’d better be prepared to answer the same one! So he starts to go off on his faults, blah, blah, blah and how he’s willing to admit to them, or something like that and all I say is, “That’s what makes you different?” In the words of the evil head vampire on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie, not the show), “Pa-leas,” Give me any boy in the ward and I can name his faults, you don’t have to be a microbe hunter to discover what’s wrong with these boys, so it should be blaringly obvious to them what they lack. I think this was Bachelor #1’s attempt to come across as deep when all he really came across as was a shallow pond, too shallow to bother trying to stick my feet in. What makes me different? It’s such a waste of a question. I ended up telling him, “Think not how the girl can answer the question for you, but how you can answer the question for the girl.” Thank you John Kennedy for giving me the template for that one. Seriously though, these guys are all, “Why should I date this person,” when really they should ask, “Why would she want to date me?” I’m not trying to reduce their egos to infinitesimal specks here, but I do think they need to get off their high horses and begin to notice that the reason they aren’t dating isn’t because it’s their choice, but it could very well be that they are undeserving of the girls that surround them. Wow, still sounds like I’m trying to do that, but really, a little humble pie may be hard to swallow but it’s not going to kill them. What can I say, I’m feed up with boys like Bachelor #1. So Newbie says, "Well what is the right answer?" and he says, "I don't know, but when the right girl says it I'll know." Hmm...another stupid answer. If you don't know the answer you're looking for you won't know the answer when you get it. You'll know the girl is cute enough and that's it.
I did have a good time though, they were good company, but then the “dinner bell” rang and they were moved on from our table and the second group had Luke Duke and this other kid, and at times Coz was there. Luke Duke was funny as usual, you know, really nice to look at, but you still have to wonder. He’s a nice kid though, I learned that he’s actually in the Air Force, which I didn’t previously know and it some how heightened my opinion of him. When Coz came over I scooted my empty glass towards him without saying anything and he got up from his seat and asked if I wanted water or punch. Everyone kind of looked at me with a little surprise but this is Coz, that’s how he is, I’m just rude enough in my approach and like to act like I think I deserve to be treated that way (which I do, but I only act that way with Coz, because well, it’s Coz I don’t know how else to explain it). So little secret, even though this was a progressive dinner and I intended to come all along, I ate dinner before hand. Not because I didn’t think the food would be good because I knew it would be (the guys weren’t cooking it) but I wasn’t sure if I would actually like it due to my picky eating habits. So needless to say, I wasn’t really hungry. Luke Duke had finished his meal and noticed that I hadn’t finished mine and asked me if I was going to eat it, so I said, “No, did you want it?” and he got a goofy grin and said, ‘yeah’. So I laughed and gave it to him, saved me the embarrassing moment when they came to pick up plates and saw that I barely ate. Then it was dessert time and G.I. Joe was there! Him and another guy who was actually pretty entertaining and if he asked me out I wouldn’t say ‘no’ came to sit down. When my dessert came, which happened to be a brownie, and I don’t eat brownies, I found the table with Luke Duke and gave it to him. He threw his arms up in the air and said, “Yeah!” Which made me think “Steve Holt!” but that’s from Arrested Development so if you haven’t seen that you can’t imagine the moment with me…go watch an episode or two already.
One thing I noticed Saturday was that there is a serious gap between where the girls are and where the boys are. The girls are all mostly done with school, working on their careers whether or not they actually want careers, and the boys are all in school or trying to decide if they want to go back to school to finish. It just hit me with a little “A-ha!” Those who are advancing on to careers through their schooling are involved with their schooling and therefore don’t date regularly (this is not all encompassing, some boys in school still date…some I suppose, I don’t know). It just all came together at that activity one of the reasons the guys and the girls don’t date. But it also hit me why most of these boys go for the younger girls; the younger girls don’t care at this point if they are still in school or work retail or are unsure of what they want to be when they grow up, these girls don’t know either so it gives them something to have in common. The older girls are more than aware that these guys are quickly approaching 30 and still couldn’t support a family. So whether or not the older girls would actually hold that against them I think all the boys are like Bachelor #1 and are aware of at least this fault and know that they don’t deserve the girls. They just don’t tell us that, instead they don’t tell us anything and we rot in the viscous swamp of wondering what is wrong with us.
I want to state for the record that I had a really good time on Saturday. I was just very enlightened. I wasn’t mad that evening, it was in retrospect that I got a little passionate about my observations. After dinner I danced and laughed with Newbie, my friend and Agent L and had a good time. I went to hang out at the B.M. (our little nickname for Coz’s house) after the activity and had a good little chat with Bachelor #2 and my friend. And even though I am still tired from the lack of sleep this weekend I would do it all over again given the opportunity, including eating dinner before I went.

Chapter 99: I've got a lot of spare time

Did anyone get my Kangs of Sydney thing going on there in the title of the last chapter? It was a play on the Gangs of New York, but since Kangaroos don't usually reside in New York I had to change it to Sydney so therefore the whole idea might be lost. I spread the word about Ramekins last night, I have a few people who might be willing to purchase the T-shirts if I make them. Maybe I should be working on the T-shirt design right now rather than typing away at this blog that has no intended purpose whatsoever except to see if anyone got my funny on the last chapter. But apparently it was only clever to myself.

Okay, so I took a short break from writing and tried to draw a ramekin...I don't know how well it turned out. I'm not an artist, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I can't draw hands or feet so they are left out, I obviously lack the ability to draw a person and I mimicked a rams head that I found on google...obviously not the exact same because their's looks so much better. I should try to mimic a cartoon body, that will probably work out best...are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Lucky Charms it is. I'll keep you posted!

Chapter 98: Die Hard 27 - Kangs of Sydney

So, Saturday I had date number 2 with D&D. My goodness, I don’t know where to begin, I just sat here for five minutes trying to figure out where to begin and I don’t think I have a starting off point. I suppose I’ll just jump right in then. We went to see a movie, and then we went to eat dinner. Just like that. The movie was okay, it isn’t a must own and it’s not one of my favorites, but there were parts I enjoyed and thought were funny and then there were just parts I sat through. We had a very interesting dinner conversation; I can’t say that I am not the one to blame for this. I have a very active imagination, and sometimes that gets me into trouble, such as when I attract weird people, or I make people think it’s okay for them to show their weird side (which by the way it’s not, it’s only okay for me). At the movie theater they have these things where they scramble the letters in the title of a movie, give you an obvious hint as to what movie it is and then before your eyes reveals the answer. So before the movie began we were watching the little pre-movie slideshow and for the last 6 months whenever I’ve gone to a movie the scrambled movie they have is Die Hard. It hasn’t changed, it’s the only one they show and it’s boring. So I like to pretend I’m surprised when they flip the letters around to spell “Die Hard”. This past time I started to say what title I thought it was, “Edi Drha” a German movie made in the 1960’s about the influence of Flu vaccination on it’s population, very entertaining yet very educational, though I expected more of a plague like movie. Or it could be a movie about Edi Drha, a young woman from the America’s and my imagination trails off from there. Then D&D decided that Drha was actually Dr. Ha. So then we started to go on about why that would be a great movie. I decided instantly that it would be a romance movie. Dr. Ha specializes in reattaching limbs that have been torn off in Kangaroo attacks and Edi is actually a librarian but also an avid Kangaroo rights activist (though D&D keeps trying to throw this fact out we all know the truth about Edi, she loves Kangaroos and actually hates Dr. Ha at first for his anti-kangaroo political moves.) Anyway, do you see what I’m saying, very active imagination, it really wouldn’t matter who was there with me, this would have probably happened (unless we are talking about Mr. Collins, because with Mr. Collins I’m actually so uncomfortable that my imagination goes into hiding). Then we are at dinner and he keeps brining this stuff up, I’ve already moved on from Edi and Dr. Ha because I didn’t develop too much attachment to them, however, since he keeps going on about them I decided to continue my imagination. Edi would be on one of her activists safaris and get attacked by a kangaroo, ironic because she fights for their rights. Dr. Ha is no where to be found (D&D decided that Dr. Ha was at a party and someone bumped into him and his phone fell into a pool, thus making Dr. Ha incommunicado) as it turns out Dr. Ha is the only one specialized in this kind of attack and therefore the only one who can save her. So she dies…which is funny because when you unscramble her name it spells “die” and she dies hard, which is what both of their names will spell unscrambled. I wanted to add reenactments of Die Hard in the “movie” that we made up but got veto and told that maybe Dr. Ha could be watching the movie in a scene. This is why I don’t do joint efforts, I’ve been like this since childhood. In seventh grade we had to make a newspaper, and my friend and I worked together and she didn’t like my idea for the cartoon and I didn’t like her idea for the cartoon so we both didn’t like each other’s idea and we both put ours in anyway, I kind of resented her for it, but in retrospect her cartoon really was better, wish we were still friends so I could tell her that. Whoa, that was a major digression there, sorry. Where was I? So anyway, then we have some other conversation at dinner and when D&D gets his dessert he mentions how they are in ramekins rather than shot glasses and I asked him to repeat what he said and he said ramekins again and I just think that is the coolest word. I was excited to go share the information with my roommates but turns out that MM and Diva already knew, which burst my bubble. Then I said that Ramekins could be a genic hybrid of Rams crossed with munchkins. D&D said he liked how my imagination worked and then I kept going saying that the we could make a movie about Ramekins, and how I was already in love with the Ramekins and I’ve already got the first t-shirt design with them on it. Then we came up with the sequel for Edi and Dr. Ha, but since Edi is dead that leaves Dr. Ha and his revenge, so the name of the second movie is Dr. Ha; Ramekin Justice. He invents the Ramekins to avenge Edi’s death, even though we all know that’s not what she would want, she loved the kangaroos…but anyway, men never listen.
D&D seems to suffer from the “we” virus as well as from future-speak. He keeps saying things like, “I love how we came up with this” and junk like that, “We can do this and we can do that.” I feel like saying, “There is no we, there is you and me and we are separate.” The future-speak is more so annoying, it is usually a statement that begins with, “Note to self” and then ends with a tidbit that he is saving for future purposes, of which their won’t be a need. Like I said that the Ramekins will wear bow-ties because they are sophisticated, he asked if the Ramekins were sophisticated or if the bow ties were, I told him both. Then I said that I happen to like Bow-ties. So he said, “note to self wear more bowties.” There was also the, “Note to self, she doesn’t like necklaces,” which I do, I just don’t like putting them on, which turned the conversation in a creepy direction which I aborted instantly. What else was there a note to self statement used on? I think the fact that I don’t eat chocolate. D&D is not like Mr. Collins, I think that D&D and I could be friends, but beyond that I’m sorry to say there can’t be anything. I don’t feel anything for him. Talking about the dates it would seem like I’m having a really good time, but I’m not really. I know that he likes me and I can definitely tell that he wants this to turn into something, but I don’t like him. I don’t like if his leg hits mine, I hate he always leans in to say something and our arms are touching, or how he just leans despite having something to say. I have no desire to hold his hand much less kiss him! I’d be fine if I never saw him again (not trying to say this in a mean way, but honestly, if I didn’t I wouldn’t cry about it or feel guilty). Saturday night he randomly asks me how I feel about Fondue. Personally, I hate fondue, I don’t find that exciting or fun or romantic, or whatever the heck I’m supposed to feel about it. So I tell him, I don’t like fondue. I know he’s thinking Melting Pot, which I’ve been to and didn’t think it was all that, and I didn’t think it was worth the money. Two people ate there (I speak like this because I was the third person in the group but didn’t eat anything) for a little over $100. That’s stupid, especially considering that you have to cook your own food, sitting there waiting for it to finish rather than just having it brought out to you already cooked. Anyway, so then he mentions something about Melting Pot and I continue to say that I just don’t like fondue; I don’t eat chocolate so I don’t even enjoy the dessert fondue. Then he asks if I will ever eat chocolate again and I said one day (my day that I will eat chocolate again…when I’m pregnant and get an urge for it…if I do, but let’s face it, what pregnant woman wouldn’t enjoy a glass of milk and a bag of Oreos?) Then it hits me, it’s February, this guy actually likes me, he thinks that this “relationship” is developing well, so I’d better be careful, I don’t want him to try to pull something for Valentine’s Day. I have to have a talk with him before then, explaining how I don’t think that this is going anywhere, which will be weird because I know to him how it could seem like it is. I hate this, I hate having to do this! I had to write that stupid e-mail to Mr. Collins, who by the way tried to strike up conversation with me yesterday and I acted friendly, but busy and so therefore was unable to actually pursue conversation, thank goodness putting away an eraser is important and urgent business to me. Now I have to have a conversation with this guy about how I’m not interested. I can see why girls just go along with it; it’s so much easier then to deal with the confrontation thing. This would be ten times easier if he would just piss me off already. I work best angry.
P.S. just for an update, work is going so much better today than last week. I think that January was just a rough month for me and as it dwindled down to it’s final days it tried to take me down with it. However, I have already determined that February is going to be a good month, and surprisingly it has been! Work and elsewhere (despite the dating upsets) have just been going well. Ducky called last night, it was nice to talk to her. Everyone at church kept asking how I was doing now that she was gone. I did a little freak-out with one of the kids but I’m sure he’ll be fine. I did cry a lot in church yesterday, but it didn’t all have to do with Ducky even though I know that would make her feel a little good on the inside, even if she denies it! I feel more secure about my job, especially since I’m getting more responsibility, so that must mean something. And today I actually worked most of the day, except for my little breaks to write this thing. Church wise I’m doing well. I’m beginning to like my calling, which definitely means I’ll be released soon, I even liked having to do a last minute lesson, which is weird, but it must be that teacher’s high. I’ve recommitted on a lot of things and I hope I stick with them. I’ve also decided to have new month resolutions. Twelve month increments really is too much time to screw up, but 29-31 day increments is perfect. January sucked, I didn’t do so great with resolutions, well, recommit in February, and then in March, April, May and so on. I like this idea, maybe I can patent it and make some money off of it, or maybe at years end I can write a book about how good it was to me. I don’t know, just thinking of different ways to enhance my financial situation.

Chapter 97: 20 minutes left

I felt it necessary to pull out an old habit of being micromanaged. My last job I had to account for every minute of the day. This resulted in me working more than 40 hours a week out of guilt, but only getting paid for 40 hours. I would divide my time up into training, administrative work, working in the store, travel…and I think that’s it. Now that I am a 9-5 girl (well, an 8:30 to 5 with an hour break girl) my hours are set, but my responsibilities are not. I get paid to sit here, I get paid the same when I’m doing stuff, and I still get paid when there is down time. It’s what I thought I wanted, wait a second; I’ve talked about that before. I’m beginning to wonder, more like hope, that other people may feel the same way. That want something, they get it and they find they want more. Oh you know what? It’s probably that grass is greener thing. Anyway, so for your understanding of my job I have divided up today in increments and pretty much started at 8:00 AM and went through until now (almost 4:30 PM) this includes my hour break.
.5 hrs Settling in for the day
1.25 hrs Meeting
1.5 hrs E-mailing, blogging, visiting coworkers
.25 hrs Learning about Mistake #1
1 hrs Dwelling on Mistake #1
2 hrs Waiting for boss lady to open door (and surfing the web, etc.)
.5 hrs Working
.25 hrs Correcting mistake #2
.25 hrs playing sudoku
.15 hrs making soap bubbles in the bathroom (seriously, I needed it)
.10hrs Working
.5hrs Writing this, contemplating life, waiting for the door to open, thinking about the last .5hrs of work, wondering if I should start looking for another job.
TOTAL HOURS: 8

Right now I am waiting yet again for the door to open and I’m wondering if I should go visit my friend in the mailroom. It’s looking good, but I almost just want to sit here and not talk to anyone. It’s been a really rough day for me.
I suppose I had a misunderstanding about new jobs. I believe someone once told me that if you can hack it for the first three months then you’ll be fine. Well, I really liked the first three months, so am I somehow backwards from the rest of the world? Here I am finishing up my fourth month with this company and it’s the worst one yet. Maybe it’s because I believe myself to be off of the learning curve so therefore every mistake is just an idiot moment that leaves me looking incompetent, and maybe that’s what I am. As much as I didn’t like training at least I got better at it, not worse like I do here at this job.
I think it’s best if I don’t leave too much personal stuff around my workstation, that way when they can me they won’t have to put so much into the box to send to me.
Whelp, better knock off another .25 hours, spent doubting myself.

Chapter 96: Quarter Century is Harder Than It Looks

I made a mistake. It was a while ago, about a month now. I don’t know if it can really be construed as a mistake since I didn’t know that I had made it, I thought I was doing the job right. I had to get a form from an employee and then delete one of her dependants. At the time it didn’t cross my mind that I had to give the form to my boss, and it also didn’t occur to me, though in retrospect it should have, that I should inform the payroll person, who in fact is not the same as it was a month ago.
I feel horrible about this mistake and I know that my boss is upset with me. I just spent my lunch hour developing an ulcer. I know that I probably shouldn’t be as paranoid as I am, but I can’t help it, after seeing how quickly Grouchy was out of here, how can I not be paranoid? I just feel like I make a lot of mistakes in this job, and considering how little work I actually do it just seems to be magnified. Then I come back to work from lunch and I sit at my desk, with absolutely nothing to do and my boss not yet back. Even when she does come back I’ll be too afraid to approach her. Added to that I’ve been super sensitive lately…I mean, I understand that all of what I’ve already said can be lumped in with my over sensitivity.
I miss Ducky…sorry I figured that I’d just throw in other things that I’m upset about. I got the first disc of the seventh season of Gilmore Girls and have slowly been watching it and I’m disappointed, I don’t like it as much as I remember liking it, but I’ll keep watching because I have to know how the show ends. I have cramps; I couldn’t find my keys this morning and today is one of those days when I hate my job. It’s just one of those days when I’m just sitting here, except that today is worse because I’m sitting here waiting for my manager to call me in and have a chat about our communication. Maybe this isn’t the kind of job for me; maybe this isn’t something I’m going to be good at because I really feel like I haven’t done a whole lot right. I wouldn’t want to go back to training, but I don’t know if this is what I’m supposed to be doing. I do like the perks to the job, I like the people, I love the hours, but maybe that’s not what life is all about.
Last night when I was driving to the grocery store a thought came to me, I thought about what it is that I really enjoy doing, and that would be writing. I may not be good at it, but I enjoy it. I mean, I’m always writing at work, almost on a daily basis I’m coming up with more B.S. to put up on my blog, or to hopefully one day publish as a book. So last night I thought to myself that a long time ago I should have changed my major to Journalism. I had thought about doing it once, and then thought about getting a Master’s degree in it, but I didn’t, and I don’t know why I didn’t, I just know I didn’t. So maybe it’s time to look at that as an option again. Maybe take a few journalism courses
Sometimes I wish I could do life over, knowing what I know now. For example, I wouldn’t have continued to pursue a degree in Sociology, knowing that it would have led to 4 and half months as a cashier 13 months as a trainer and 4 months as a Labrador retriever. Maybe I would have been more willing to stick it out as an education major, or maybe I would have gone into accounting. If I could go all the way back to the beginning I think I would have tried to have a dream of becoming something, because when I think about it I didn’t really have anything to begin with. I was doomed from the start. You know what else I would do? I would have eaten my vegetables, brushed my teeth like my mom told me to, and I wouldn’t have wasted so much money on things that didn’t matter.
The whole concept doesn’t seem so odd to me, when I was younger I had a very Twilight Zone brain. I imagined that we were all just babies, sound asleep and each night we would dream our lives through all the way to death, and when we died we actually woke up to be babies again, I can’t remember if I thought we would have a recollection of our dreams, but I just kept waiting to wake up some morning, as a baby, and that everything about my life had just been a dream. Odd thought I know, but this is how my brain worked. Part of me kind of wishes it were true.

Chapter 95: Where do we go from here?

So Renaissance Man (or D&D as I now refer to him in real life) called last night. I had been debating whether or not I was obligated to call him back since the last time we spoke. I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t calling because he plays Dungeons and Dragons, though some of it stems from that, but I really just don’t like the phone, and I was busy. I’m busy a lot, and maybe the girls from work are right, maybe if I wanted to I could make time, but apparently, I don’t want to. I intend to call him back, and I actually intend to go on another date with him, at least one more. People have no problem getting a second date with me; it’s the third that’s the mountain. But I figure, what’s the harm in matching my dating average from last year within the first two months? I don’t see a problem with it, and in the end maybe it will help me to be better at this whole dating thing. This is me being positive believe it or not, it feels funny, almost wrong.

Chapter 94:

I slept in today until 7:40, I was amazingly still able to get to work on time, and apparently, from my looks no one can tell that I’d rather be in bed. I think that if the post office is closed that we should be closed too, but whatever. I was going to just call in sick today, but then I remembered we have an interview this afternoon, and in fact, this week is the busiest this month…calendar wise, but it all happens in the afternoon…maybe I could take some half days. Meanwhile I sit here at my desk, e-mailing and trying to wake my brain up so I can write a half decent blog. Don’t know if it’s going to work, but here it goes.
Last night I was talking to Ducky and I can’t really remember the order to the things we talked about but we rehashed the fact/opinion that I am too funny. Apparently, I’m too funny for my own good, which sucks because humor is so many things to me: my defense mechanism, my flirting style, and pretty much whatever else you need to exist as a human being…because really, how much more is there beyond defense mechanisms and flirting styles? I have resolved before that I would be more serious and I failed miserably, so I will not resolve this time to be serious. I just have to figure out how to be less funny…any suggestions on how to do it? It’s like a quote I once read, “You can pretend to be serious but you can’t pretend to be witty.” Or something like that. Goodness, I’m bored and my eyes sting.
So this past Saturday my sister, Ducky, and I went to the movies with Sister-in-law and her friend. I got the divine privilege of driving my sister, Sister-In-Law and friend, and Ducky met us at the theater. On the drive there, or was it on the drive home I can’t recall, Sister-In-Law starts talking about her oldest daughter, Princess Buttercup (because she thinks she’s a princess and acts just like one and because she wanted and got the Buttercup horse from Target, what a waste of $300-$400). Princess Buttercup apparently is not well liked by the teacher, I can’t imagine why. Last week PB finished her snack and saw that this other kid in the class had a little extra because his mom always packs more than he needs anyway, so PB walks over and takes it. Sister-In-Law did not come right out and say it immediately, she left out that small detail, leading us to believe that the kid shared it with her but the teacher got upset nonetheless. I however was not fooled and could picture the whole thing playing out in my head, PB saw the food, wanted it, and so therefore took it. Sister-In-Law tried to act as though the little brat hadn’t done anything but when my sister said something about the teacher’s reaction being off over two kids sharing the truth finally came out, “Well, apparently there wasn’t sharing involved exactly.” PB had some other run-ins with authority but I can’t quite recall them at the moment. It just bothers me that everyone sees that her daughter is a brat except for her. I was talking to my sister about it later because no one in the car mentioned that PB was clearly in the wrong and I asked my sister if I was the only one bothered by it. She said that she was too, and I told her that it should come as a surprised to Sister-In-Law because PB saw what she wanted and took it, because that’s the way she is currently being raised. If you want something, you get it. PB has never had to learn that she can’t have everything. We are talking about the same little girl who’s birthday is on December 1st, so you would think that if she didn’t get what she wanted for her birthday that she would get it for Christmas instead, but no, her mother takes a drive to the toy store to ensure that her little girl got everything that she wanted. This is a true story; I couldn’t make up this kind of idiocy if I wanted to.
Speaking of family members that I can’t stand, Thorn called on Saturday professing that she was sick, after describing her symptoms I told her she probably had the flu, bad idea, Thorn takes an excuse for any kind of laziness and runs with it. Since today is a holiday and there is no school Thorn is babysitting her own children, odd concept I know, a mother taking care of her own children. So she was supposed to go to my parent’s house Sunday night to spend the night so that my parent’s didn’t have to go out of their way to drop the little children off anywhere and for that matter, pick them up at the end of the day. Thorn, by the way, doesn’t seem to have any permanence in her life whatsoever, and this includes living quarters. Thorn bounces from friend’s home to friend’s home but never has any place to call her home. We waited Sunday to hear from her, but there was nothing, no phone call or anything. I came to find out this morning that she finally called at 9 o’clock at night informing my mom that she had, “just woken up,” which, unfortunately for Thorn, could be 100% true, but since she’s lied so much in the past any words that come out of her mouth are directly transferred to the B.S. department. So she asked if my mom could pick her up in the morning so she could watch the kids. Then she called this morning and asked if my mom could drop the children off at her friend’s sister’s house, which is who knows where. Thorn is so considerate of people who have full time jobs in which they need to arrive on time to. I felt like telling my mom that she should drop off the kids and never return for them. Go back maybe once, and that’s to take a box, one each, for their most important belongings and some clothes. Thorn is 40-some years old, I think it’s about time that she grew up and started to take care of her children. There are plenty of single moms out there, I don’t know why Thorn thinks that she is more special than any one of them. They do what they have to so that they can provide a decent life for their children, and what does Thorn do? She sits on her ass when she comes to visit and thinks because she cuddles with her sociopathic son once a week that she fulfilling her duty. Oh, and lest we forget, she buys them junk from the thrift store rather than helping to pay for daycare, or clothing, or food. I did mention that at Christmas she bought Burrito a game boy didn’t I? He lost it the same day and has never said anything else about it. What a waste of money, he could have had a new pair of shoes, or a jacket, or an hour at daycare instead. Sometimes I would just like to cut certain people out.

Chapter 93: Mutiny

So, I’m pretty sure that today is Grouchy’s last day at work, but the thing is—she doesn’t know that, and I can’t say anything to her about it. Confidentially can be a witch. I was told earlier this week and along with it I was told not to say anything to her about it. I’m trying to make myself feel better by reassuring myself that the temp agency she works through is already looking for somewhere else for her, but you know, that doesn’t guarantee that Monday morning she’ll have a place to go work. She won’t even find out while she’s at work, the temp agency is supposed to call her tonight and inform her that she will not be returning. It just doesn’t seem right; she should know that she won’t be coming back. I should be allowed to say ‘goodbye’. I know that Grouchy and I aren’t best friends, but I’ve grown to like her. She messes up on a lot of things, she gets confused about a lot of things but she’s trying hard and she’s still nice to me. Earlier this week I was learning payroll stuff (this was before I knew she’d be gone by the end of the week though it should have been a clue) and I used her pencil to write something down and mentioned how I liked that pencil; I’m not a pencil fan, they make me gag but this one wrote smoothly and virtually gag-less. This morning (her last day) she brought in the same kind of pencil for me. She came over and handed it to me and for a moment I thought maybe she thought I had left one at her desk, but then she said that she remembered that I liked that pencil so she brought me one of hers from home. I thought that was really nice of her, she didn’t have to do that. I wish I could do something for her last day, but to do anything out of the ordinary would be a dead giveaway that I know what’s going to happen. I’d much rather just play dumb and pretend that boss lady never told me anything.
To top it all off Grouchy is sick, she had to leave early yesterday and Boss Lady had me follow her home in my car just to make sure she made it alright. She (Grouchy) went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and got some medication and is back. Boss Lady had taken her keys from her yesterday “just in case we need to get into the files” that are in Grouchy’s work station. I can’t help but think that Boss Lady didn’t expect Grouchy to come in today and her leaving early yesterday was a perfect opportunity for her to seize the keys without making it too obvious that Grouchy wouldn’t be coming back. I don’t know how she’ll handle it this afternoon that would be interesting to see. While Grouchy was gone yesterday they brought in another girl from the temp agency to interview. She seemed okay, but I didn’t really get to talk to her or see her much. I heard them laughing in that little conference room so she must be funny, or Boss Lady and Accounting Lady must just crack each other up.
It just doesn’t seem right the way that people treat temps.

Chapter 92: The more you know the less you don't know.

In college I had a roommate who wouldn’t put up with a lot. I don’t know if her courage came from being the only girl in a family with 6 kids or if it was some innate behavior that she had where she wouldn’t put up with crap. I wish I were like her. I remember once that she told me how her boyfriend called “just to talk” and she said, “So, you don’t have anything you need to talk about?” and he said, “No,” and she said, “Then call me when you do,” and hung up. Why can’t I be like that?
I absolutely hate the phone, I think I was phoned out in middle school and the beginning of high school when my best friend at the time would call and talk for hours. For some reason it was as though she always had to be connected with someone. Well, if you’re always connected with someone when do you have time to be by yourself and to develop some depth of character so that when you are talking to people you actually prove to be somewhat interesting? Sorry, small vent there.
Well Renaissance Man is kind of like phone-a-holic best friend in high school. He called me Sunday, he called me Monday, I never returned the calls so I felt bad and told him in an e-mail that I would call him Tuesday. I did, he had to call me back later to which he did but I missed it. He left a voicemail telling me to call him when I got the message, well, I was about to eat dinner so I decided to do that instead. Food is much more important that Renaissance Man. While eating dinner he called back! Who does that? It hadn’t even been a half and hour since he left the message. So I picked up and then he really had no reason in talking to me and I remembered my college roommate and really wanted to tell him to call me when he had something he needed to talk about, I don’t just shoot the breeze over the phone, especially when my dinner is getting cold and nasty on the table. Not to mention I was at Ducky’s house too. So 45 minutes later I finally get the nerve to tell him that I have to go, my friend is getting bored. Of course, I didn’t get to hang up before finding out that he plays Dungeons and Dragons.
Now, I have tried to be open minded, I’ve tried not to be a cynic. I let the fact that he was an avid Renaissance attendee slide, but can I really let something like Dungeons and Dragons slide? I was thinking about it last night and darn it if I don’t always get what I want! A couple of months ago I said I wanted a boy to be interested, and here comes along Mr. Collins. Then I’m sure that not too many blogs ago I said I wanted a knight in shining armor, which I’m sure Renaissance Man has donned that outfit more than once in his life. I really should be more specific. But it’s like I said before, I figure out what I want and when I get it I realize that there is more that I want.
I have to admit something here because it goes along with my train of thought even if it’s not easily followed. I’m sure you’ve already figured it out but I hate the relationship between my oldest brother and his wife. Every fear I have of getting married and having children is magnified whenever I have to spend time with them. My sister-in-law, the domineering wife and inactive mother, “Honey, do this, do that, I know that you work six days a week but why couldn’t you put those boxes in the garage when you got home late from work last night?” (Why can’t she put them in herself? How helpless/lazy is she?) My brother who watches the same four episodes of the same TV show over and over on the internet because to him it is the funniest thing in the world but part of me can’t help but think that it’s his only escape from his family. I guess what I am trying to say is, I try not to give too much thought to people who I feel I would become my sister-in-law with. Does that make sense? I don’t want that kind of relationship where the woman got married, but only uses her husband, who is more than willing to be stepped all over, and to me, people with oddities such as D&D are people who are willing to be stepped all over by a woman, not just me, but any woman really.
Really when it comes down to it I am a flat rock, somewhat unevenly balanced on a ledge, and each of these peculiarities was/is a small pebble in the favor of staying on the ledge and staving off falling. I feel that I can say I gave it a try and not feel bad. I mean, I’ll probably go on one more date with him anyway, but then after that I’ll have to politely inform him that I don’t feel the way that he feels about this situation, he could in the end turn out to be a great friend, but for the sake of time I think it’s best to inform him that despite what he thinks or what impression I may give off, I’m not what he’s looking for.

Chapter 91: Sorting Things Out

I blame the fact that I attract weirdos on my high school employment; if they hadn’t done such a good job in training me in the ways of customer service I wouldn’t be skilled in the art of ingratiating people. When I speak to people, correction, when I speak to people I don’t know well I have the nasty habit of agreeing with them, and making them feel comfortable. So even if I do not think a particular behavior is acceptable, or a certain statement is funny, I go along with it and make them feel okay for doing such a stupid thing. But you see, this works with customers, you see them for 5 to 10 minutes max, even if they come in all the time and are “regulars” it’s not like you are going on a date with them, or hanging out with them on the weekends. People you meet outside of work need a different type of behavior from you. I can’t be customer service with people who are not customers. People who want to date you or want to be your friend need to have the real you, not the customer service you. The only problem is, I have trouble figuring out who the real me is…customer service mode is so engrained in me that I have trouble shaking it off. I’m trying to think of how I acted around my close friends when I first met them, did I suck up to them, try to make them feel less stupid if they did something idiotic? The other night when I had an hour and half conversation with Renaissance Man I was in customer service mode, maybe that’s why when I told people how long the conversation was they got excited and saw it as a good sign and I felt it physically and emotionally draining.

Chapter 90: If only boys were like Dells

I wish I could say that I didn’t know what I wanted out of life anymore, but in order to be able to say that I would have had to have an idea of what I wanted in the first place. Sometimes I wish that life were a little easier, you take a quiz online and based on your answers this is what you want. Here’s where you should live, and here’s the type of job that is perfect for you, what really makes you happy are hot fudge sundaes and camping. It could even tell from your answers what you’re looking for in a companion, what will really grab your attention will be his eyes and his smile, no matter how much you want to believe that you aren’t shallow. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to do any of the work! But really, I can’t figure out what I want and I don’t know how to make myself figure it out. I honestly wonder sometimes if I am a person devoid of any and all romantic inclination towards people. My current “crush” is someone I am perfectly content to see once every three months. I don’t really have a desire to find “the one” even though I don’t believe in just one person. I am beginning to wonder if my education screwed me up. I know the things I should be looking for, the things that are actually attainable. I know that there’s no love at first sight, only lust at first sight, I’ve been made aware of the fact that soul mates (on a romantic level) do not exist. I also know that not everyone is born with the right to meet someone that they will love in this lifetime. Yet, even with all of this knowledge in which I have a bachelor’s degree to prove I earned it, I still find myself waiting for some freaking knight in shining armor. I think I know what I want and then I meet it and it falls short; I suddenly realize something else I wanted. Well, I got the sense of humor but where’s the attraction? If only you could make your own boyfriend, go online to www.boyfriends4ever.com and buy the basic model, pay a little extra here and there for specifics and upgrades. You want him to have dark hair? That’ll be another $3. You want him to be funny, sensitive when needed but able to build a log cabin? That’s going to cost you another $72 but if you order now we’ll knock it down to $49.99. I think I’m too picky, but I don’t know if I can break myself of what I’m expecting to get. But really, I’m not expecting to get anything.
We already know how much I hate dating, well, maybe deep down it comes from an idea that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When I think marriage I think of a stuffy Saturday morning when you come down the stairs to waffles being made (therefore the sink is full of dishes and batter is drying on the counter), you walk past boxes of junk and have to clear off a space on the kitchen table to eat. You grab a late shower so you already feel like half the day is wasted and then you spend the next 5 hours trying to clean the house until dinner time, it might be spring or fall so the windows might be open, and I hear a football game a little too loudly in the background. Marriage is a towel that dried on the clothesline for too long, it’s hard and difficult to bend not to mention scratchy and has the faint smell of grass and stale air. For those of you who happen to like clothes dried on the clothesline perhaps you never found earwigs in your laundry, but also, perhaps the idea of marriage is appealing to you. As for me, I like to use the drier, I also despise Saturday mornings. Pretty much I’m screwed.
I hate to make everything seem to revolve around the romantic, I apologize. The reason I started to write had nothing to do with that at first. But in a way, everything is intertwined. I think the thing I hate about the weather right now is that it feels like spring, and to me, spring means change. I always get antsy in the spring, it’s always the time for change, nearing the end of a school year, and it’s a hard habit to break. Things are supposed to end shortly after spring time and then wait a season and suddenly there are new beginnings. I like spring, I don’t want you to get me wrong, I really like change too, I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to discover things you didn’t know were there before. The problem though, is that it’s not spring, and there is no change coming my way. It’s kind of sad, when you hope that it’s coming and then you realize it won’t.
I like my job most of the time, but lately I hate it, I started crying on the way to work today, I don’t recall if that has ever happened to me before. Then my boss finally gave me something to do, retrieve a medical file from the filing cabinet and I hadn’t realized that I was a secretary until that moment. I wasn’t put on this earth to be a secretary. I know that I’m not, I’m given a vast deal more responsibility, but I suppose it’s the slow season right now, so for the slow season I retrieve files like a dog.

Chapter 89: Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them.

So I called Renaissance Man last night to set up our date. I hate talking on the phone, I hate even more that I am calling to set up a time, that is all, and then it turns into an hour and half conversation involving cruddy Lifetime movie scripts (one concerning killer ladybugs) and the effect of light rays on sound waves. Finally we got to talking about when to go out. He first asked me if I was free on Sunday and I told him I didn’t really like to do things on Sunday so that wasn’t going to work. Then he asked me about Friday so Friday it is. We’re going to go get dinner and then go see a movie. I asked him if he wanted to meet at the restaurant and he said he could just pick me up. He asked round about where I live and it turns out we live about 5 or 6 blocks apart, really not that far. I don’t know how I feel about that, I really don’t know how I feel about him knowing where I live. He’s a nice guy; don’t get me wrong, but the less he knows— the better. It wasn’t until after the conversation was over and I admitted to myself that we had talked for an hour and a half, that I realized that was probably a stupid move on my part, I should have nipped that conversation in the bud a long time ago. An hour and half conversation leaves at least one member of the interchange with the crazy idea that the other is interested. I could kick myself for the way I am with people I’m not interested in, I can’t understand for the life of me why I can’t act that way around people that I am interested in. Why do I have to be such an idiot around the people that I want to like me and I can be so sweet and articulate around the people that I wish would bugger off? I have trouble even making eye contact with someone that I want to look at, but I can have staring contest with everyone else.
Why is it that I hate dating so much? Sometimes I feel that I would much rather just spend my life alone. I’ve made it 25 years without decent romantic companionship, the next 25 years couldn’t be any harder, and let’s be honest, I doubt I’ll live past 60 so I think I can make it through. It’s really not a long amount of time in the great, grand scheme of things.
I think that I just need to get away for a little while, a sabbatical of sorts. I haven’t left Richmond since about June, I’m long overdue to get away and forget about this place for a while. Now I just need to find a convenient weekend to do so.

Chapter 88: GIve me a Noble Mission!

I think one of my problems with dating is that I don’t see much potential in the date itself. Whereas an optimist might assume that maybe something will become of it, I already know that nothing will. This is a recent development, I used to be a dating optimist, it is just within the past year or so where I have gone into a date already knowing that it’s not going to work out. Then of course it doesn’t and I wonder if it is just because I have a sense about these things or if it is because I make it happen. It’s difficult to say and honestly, I don’t get asked out enough to really be able to do a scientific study. I’ve been asked out; if I’m lucky we’ll get this thing over with this weekend. I should start at the beginning; about a month ago my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her, my dad, and my sister. I agreed and we went as a little happy family to the movies. While we were waiting for the movie to start my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Shorty, came into the theater, I was the one who noticed her right away and brought her arrival to the attention of my sister. She had a guy with her whom I erroneously assumed was her boyfriend. The four of us joked briefly back before the movie began, but as soon as it did we all stopped talking. After the movie my sister, Shorty, her friend, and I stood outside the theater talking while my parent’s caught up with a couple they’ve known for at least all of my life. I felt like it was no more than 20 minutes. Then we left. A couple of weeks later I got a friend request on Myspace. It was this guy that had been at the movies with Shorty. I wasn’t 100% sure it was him so I delayed accepting his friend request until I could ask my sister. Some time passed before I saw my sister again and I completely forgot about it. Then he sent me a message this past weekend, explaining who he was. I added him and wrote him back apologizing for not adding him sooner. Then I asked how he was. The next day I got an e-mail from my sister informing me that the guy who went to the movies with Shorty thought I was ‘hot’ and sent me a friend request. I already knew about the friend request and wondered how far behind my sister was. So it didn’t come as too much of a surprise when that evening the guy wrote back telling me how life was going for him and at the end he asked me if I would like to go out some time, “maybe have some dinner, hang out”. I don’t think that I have actually been asked out, with the words “go out” in…mentally calculating the years that have passed by since a guy got the nerve to ask me out semi-properly…well, I’ve decided if I can’t count it on one hand then I shouldn’t bother. I know, Mr. Collins asked me out, but when he did so it was the, “hey maybe we should hang out sometime.” This guy actually said, and I quote, “I was wondering if you’d like to perhaps go out some time.” Do you see the difference too or is it only me? Anyway, I’ve digressed. So I sat there trying to figure out what to say. I should give him at least one date, it’s the least I could do for his attempt, but there’s a little part of me who doesn’t want to have to go through another Mr. Collins situation. I’m trying to convince myself that this will be different since I never see this guy in my day to day life, or my weekend life either. So if it’s weird and doesn’t work out, then it’s completely over, no strings, no awkward run-ins. But you see, as I have said earlier, it’s not going to work out, I’ve already either made up my mind or seen the future and I know it won’t work out. I think the biggest problem is I have failed to see it from the other person’s perspective, they are still the optimist, they are the vested ones. They didn’t ask me out because they felt duty bound, they asked me out because they wanted to, I was the one who agreed feeling duty bound. They think that maybe it might work out. That’s the nightmare of the whole thing, for I already know that it’s not going to happen and suddenly it is dawning on me that when they ask you out in their heart of hearts they hope something comes of it. They may change their mind half way through the date but at the moment they have asked you out that’s what they are thinking. Why else would they ask you out? Granted I have asked guys out before not expecting anything to happen, but I’ll admit most of the times that I have built up the courage it was because I liked the person. I can’t imagine doing it otherwise. Except for my moment of desperation a few months ago when I didn’t want to chance dying and Mr. Collins being the last date I went on. Before that it was because we were doing some group thing and I needed a date, other than that, it was due to interest in the person.
But even with people that I like I’ve already decided that it won’t work out for some reason or another. TDH is a prime example, I’m madly infatuated with him but I already know it will never work out. We could be friends, we can flirt with each other, but as far as any kind of romantic relationship it’s not going to happen. He enjoys drinking, he likes to kick back on Sunday with a beer and watch some football, he’s a filthier potty mouth than I am and we just view the world in a different way. I don’t know if I can explain it or not, but it’s something I know deep down, it’s something I know won’t change.
I also know I have commitment issues that I need to work on because if I can’t get over them I will sabotage every opportunity that comes my way. The trouble is I have to learn to tell the difference between self sabotage and just truly knowing it won’t work out. I tried to experiment on this one with Mr. Collins, I thought maybe that I was making it worse than it was, I thought maybe if I gave him a chance that I might find that he didn’t creep me out quite so much. Of course I was wrong, but am I proving my point? I don’t know, I’m just thinking aloud because I’ve got so much time to kill.

Chapter 87: None of this multiplicity stuff

As usual I am left in my cubicle with absolutely nothing to do but find my own ways to entertain myself. Luckily for me I found my USB (whatever it's called) drive and have been looking through it. Turns out I had saved a lot of old writing projects on there, stuff from college that had been on my computer, but in an effort to make my computer run faster (or an attempt to make room for more junk) I had added it to the USB drive. I'm glad I did, for my home computer isn't working and I need some old ideas to help jog my brain. It has been sitting here wasting away for the past two hours while I wait for my boss to call, telling me she finally has something for me to do. As of right now her door is closed, which I take as meaning I can do whatever I want because I can't be wasting time when my company is already doing it for me. I found an old project that I started writing when Sweet Pea and I were roommates, I know this because there is a dedication at the beginning of the project and it is to her, which as I read it I remembered how she made me dedicate it to her. So to make sure I didn't forget should I ever actually finish the project and get it in print I did it right there in the word document. I have to admit and I don't want to sound prideful, but it's some pretty good stuff if I don't say so myself. I think I'm much better at prose than poetry. When I read my old poetry I can't help but think what a drama queen I was, maybe it was normal for a teenage girl to think it was the end of the world when her best friend kissed her "boyfriend" behind her back (I put boyfriend in quotation marks because really, who knows what he was to me at the time). Either way, he was hands off but she went for it. Stupid poems to remind you of how you poetically (or should I say pathetically?) announced to your friend that it would never be the same from that point on.Anyway, so I was reading the stuff I had written and it's funny because I feel as though I took all of my personalities, gave them names, and made them a group of friends. Of course when I say "personalities" I am not admitting to suffering from multiple personality disorder, but there are several sides to every person, I believe that everyone is just as complex as I am, though I have run into some pretty shallow individuals who are exactly the same in no matter what the setting, some people would like to say that these individuals are just sure of who they are, I like to say they have never bothered trying to find out. Those of us who have gone on the quest to find ourselves are aware that along the way you realize that there are many deep and complex parts to you, each part working alongside (maybe not always together) to develop who you really are. For example, there is a side to me that knows what's really best for me, that's a realist and is completely grounded. However, there is also the side of me who day dreams and is very romantic and has her head in the clouds. If I didn't have both sides I would be horribly doomed to one fate or the other, bruised heals and blisters or suffering the consequences of breathing air that is too thin. There are five characters so far in this story and out of five I see myself in four of them, but I see different sides of myself in them. It makes for very entertaining reading, at least for me, I never get to see all four of them interact except for on paper. I repeat however, I do not suffer from multiple personality disorder.

Chapter 86: Night at the Roxbury

Saturday afternoon I saw TDH for the first time in 98 days. I hadn’t been keeping track, but since I last saw him September 29th I decided it wouldn’t be difficult to calculate the amount of time that has passed. Besides, I miss feeling like a stalker. He started to talk to me about the marketing internship he’ll be starting next week. I hadn’t realized that he hadn’t started it yet. Then he started to tell me about some training program for managers and so I asked a question about it, thinking I understood what he was saying and he tried to reword what it was and then I just gave up and pretended that I totally understood what he was talking about. It was good to see him again, I wasn’t going to go say anything to him, try to play it cool, come in to do some shopping and not noticed the hot guy in the black polo and khakis. But on my way out I decided to kick him in the back of the knee and pretend I didn’t do it. I think I chose the right course of action. As he was talking I just had to wonder how he got so good looking. I just don’t think it’s right that one person can be that good looking. Okay, enough of that.
Saturday was also the same day as my work holiday party. I’m fully aware that it’s a bit late for a holiday party, and I feel certain I have already explained why. I had to be at the Jefferson an hour early to set up since I am in Human Resources. I got to place the name tents down and then stand at a table handing out nametags to associates and their guests. I had no idea who most of the people were but took a small amount of pride in the number of people I did know. Then it was time for dinner, where Bubbles and I were pretty much released from our responsibility. I got to sit at a table with all of Bubbles’ friends, a Christmas present from Boss Lady. While we were waiting for dinner to be served one of her friends asked me if I had a boyfriend. I shook my head and said, ‘no’ and then she asked if I wanted a boyfriend, to which I paused, how do you answer that question? Yes, I would like one, but I have learned since ’07 to not just say, “I want a boyfriend” but to be more specific, “I want Orlando Bloom to be my boyfriend”. Plus, it always depends on why the person is asking as to whether or not you do want one. So I finally just nodded my head and then she said that she was going to set me up with her brother. The more that she drank the more she said it too. I have decided from my dinner experience at the Jefferson that I do not have the taste buds for fine dining. Give me steak and fries and a snicker doodle for dessert and I’d be perfectly content. Instead I got lobster bisque, which I tried to inform the waitress who was setting it before me that I was not interested, but she may have been zoning out, I couldn’t even bear the smell of it (of course I was feeling sick already that night). Then came the salad, I’m not a fan of salad anyway, but since I had refused the soup I picked at the salad, putting ranch dressing on one side and creamy Italian on the other since I couldn’t decide which one I would like best, it’s ranch by the way. The best parts about the salads were the rolls. Then came the main dish, I had order filet mignon because I had been informed that it was a type of steak. When it came in front of me it look descent enough and I wondered how I was going to cut it with a butter knife, but I surprisingly could, then I was even more surprised that I was able to cut raw meat so effortlessly. The outside of the filet mignon was browned, but the rest was completely raw. I felt a little better when the woman across the table from me said, “It’s still mooing!” I supposing I was inexperienced with fancy food just continued to cut and bear it. I didn’t finish however and I told Bubbles that if I wasn’t at work on Monday it was because I got e-coli. I did however try some asparagus which I have never eaten unless when I was a baby was spoon feed it in some puree form. So for the evening I had tried two things I didn’t normally eat, salad and asparagus. Oh yeah, and I also tried the “stuffing” like ball that was sitting next to the filet mignon to which I about lost everything I had eating. It was disgusting. My career as a food critique is out the door, I can’t do it. I wasn’t disappointed in dessert because I already knew I wasn’t going to like it, key lime pie and some kind of death by chocolate. If I still ate chocolate I would have been all over it, but the key lime pie wouldn’t have been touched either way. Finally dinner was over and I could relax. I hate having food at social events. It’s all right to have appetizers or buffet style, situations where you can get away with barely eating, or not eating at all. Optional eating as I like to call it. I also found out during dinner that I was the youngest one at the table and then next youngest person graduated college when I graduated high school.
I didn’t think I would stay long after the eating stopped and the drinking began, but I ended up staying the entire time. Seeing people from work completely wasted really helps you to feel more comfortable around them at work. You’ve seen them in a vulnerable situation, so how can you feel intimidated by them now? The girl who kept trying to set me up with her brother went to hit on a guy at work who has a crush on her, even though she’s married and he had a date. She was bet to do it by Bubbles and some others, they wanted to see him blush and fall all over himself. She won $35 and dinner at a really nice restaurant. However, she also got felt up by the guy’s date, who in conversation just reached over and squeezed her right breast! She more than earned her money’s worth. Later she also got dragged on to the dance floor by said date, which made her even more uncomfortable. My other work friend got hit on by a girl from work; I prefer to just think that she was just an overly friendly drunk. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure I was the only one (aside from the pregnant lady who sat two seats over from me at dinner) that didn’t have anything to drink. It’s interesting to watch drunken people, but there comes a point when you feel like you are babysitting. A lot of the guys at work had just grown really friendly towards me, some of them I rarely ever talked to were coming up and giving me hugs, one guy in particular kept hugging me and asking me why I was so tall, then he would check (every time) to see if I had heels on (which I did not) I just kept telling him that it was just the way I was. I ended up having a good time but there were certain times when I was just embarrassed. Such as the time when two girls started to take off their underwear in the lobby and then stopped when people started to bring attention to it, then one of the women with me started yelling at them to take it off again. After the party ended we went to the hotel bar to continue hanging out, as we were sitting there the woman who wants to set me up with her brother leaned over to the girl next to her and told her for the umpteenth time that she was going to set me up with her brother, to which she looked over at me and I just gave her a thumb’s up. I worry about making drunk people angry. Then she asked me if I liked rednecks, staying on my course of not making her angry I did a so-so hand gesture. She didn’t see it and she asked again, to which I did the same thing. Someone else’s husband translated it for her and said that I didn’t, to which I got a dirty look. But then she asked me if I knew what something was (I can’t remember what she said) and I told her I hadn’t a clue and she said, “Yeah, you’re not redneck,” as though I had been masquerading as one for quite some time. Then everyone got me to say, “Get ‘er done” as one long word. Not long after that one of the women’s husbands started to “dance” with me, I don’t dance, and I don’t dance that way…with anyone. It made me really uncomfortable. My headache that I had earlier in the evening started to get worse and after the dancing fiasco I decided that was my out and said ‘goodbye’ to everyone. I left through one door and got to wave goodbye once more as I passed the windows of the bar on the way to the main door. Everyone kind of cheered in unison like they thought I was lost but suddenly they had found me. It was weird. I felt completely sick and on the way home I kept getting nauseous and my eyelids felt heavy. I got home, took off my dress and lay in my bed. Then I remembered that my dog was still in his kennel so I put on my PJs and went to let him out. I started to fall asleep and someone decided to leave the house, throwing my dog into a frenzy of barking and scratching the door. I finally got him to stop and slept through the rest of the night, finally waking up some time Sunday morning. So, I did have fun, but I’m not sure if I can handle this from year to year, and how many years are we talking about here anyway?

Chapter 85: Goodbye Kelly Kapur

I have been at work for about 2 and half hours now and have been unable to get a hold of my boss who is only about 12 feet away from me. Every time I go to her office she is gone, I hear her talking to someone, wait for that person to move on and then head over to see her and she has disappeared yet again! She’s like Houdini! I’m just tired today and if I’m intended to sit around doing nothing I’d much rather go home and take a nap. Instead I’m online taking IQ tests. Unfortunately I have come to find out that I am smarter than a fifth grader but not a sixth grader and it really insults me, but on another IQ test I was considered “bright”. I just don’t get it.
Well, 2008 is here and I survived bringing in the New Year. It was really depressing for me, and I’m still recovering from it. I decided this year that I wasn’t really going to celebrate New Year’s, I’ve never enjoyed this “holiday” anyway, and what are we celebrating exactly? Another wasted year? Another chance to make resolutions that we know we won’t keep? Oh, wait, we’re celebrating a new beginning, just like I’ve done for the past 20 or so years. New beginning, okay then, I can do this. I suppose my first resolution would be to have a more positive outlook on life. Then there’s this list in no particular order:
Pay off debt and save $3,000
Lose weight in ‘08
Decide what I want to do with my life
Make and Keep a budget
New Year’s Eve my plans were to stay at home, watch a movie, and scrapbook 2007 since I haven’t touched any of that year. The Sunday right before New Year’s Eve a girl at church kept trying to convince me that I needed to get out of the house for New Year’s Eve, that maybe I should go to Carytown to ring it in. I told her that being at home this year by myself was not something I was stuck doing; it was something I wanted to do. I wasn’t in the mood to show New Year’s Eve that it was anything special. The day of New Year’s Eve I received a call from Navy Seal Ken informing me that my sister and my nephews were sick and he was wondering if I could come and hang out with them for the night. I didn’t mind this; these are my favorite nephews and the sister I get along with the most, so I agreed to go over there. My parents came over there for a while too, because the way that Navy Seal Ken put how sick she was my parents believed that she was dying, I got a little half worried too. I was late getting over there and for a second thought how horrible I would feel if she slipped away while I was dilly dallying around. My brother-in-law had said that she wanted to see her parents and that she knew that they couldn’t both come at the same time because of the kids, but she really wanted to see at least one of them. Add that statement behind a, “she’s feeling pretty bad from yesterday, the peanuts are still working a number on her.” My sister’s stomach has a low tolerance for peanuts, but her mouth just can’t say ‘no’ to them and she got a lot for Christmas. Therefore the evening before she had spent a lot of time curled up like a ball on the living room floor on the verge of tears. So when I relayed the phone conversation to my mom she said, “I don’t like how that’s worded, it makes it seem like she knows something I don’t.” So of course my mom got on her cell phone, called my dad, and they went over to see her right away.
As it turns out my sister didn’t even know that Navy Seal Ken had called me, moreover aside from a lack of appetite she was fine. My nephews were sick, but you couldn’t convince them of that, running around and playing. We ordered a pizza which my sister wasn’t sure if her stomach could handle, but as always she muscled her way through it. She’s such a trooper. This reminds me of another resolution, “Eat less pizza”. After the second time that my dad fell asleep on the floor we finally sent my parent’s home, my dad would much rather fall asleep on his own couch than his daughter’s in-law’s carpet. When Navy Seal Ken got home from his brother’s house he and I went head to head in old school Mario Carts. I have to say I like the Game Cube version better than the Super Nintendo version. Not just for the graphics but I think there have been some serious improvements made to the game.
Around 10:30 G.I. Joe came home, that’s right, he’s in his 30’s, lives with his parent’s and after that evening, no longer employed. He was working seasonally at a wine and beer shop. At this point my nephew and I were playing a game on the computer and he came in and gave my nephew a kiss on the forehead. Then he asked me if I wanted a kiss on the head…how do you respond to that without being rude? “Uh, no.” Nope, that won’t cut it. “Don’t touch me.” Well that was worse than the first. So I just laughed and said ‘sure’, if anything I was getting a New Year’s Eve kiss. So he leaned in, kissed me on the top of the head and I told him I would sleep better tonight because of it. Then he said he would see me tomorrow at my parent’s house, which made me wonder if my parent’s were doing something they forgot to tell me about.
I didn’t stay until midnight, my eyes wouldn’t let me, so I said goodbye to my sister, Navy Seal Ken, and my nephews and then I was home by 11. I changed my clothes, put in a movie, and fell asleep before 11:30. That’s my New Year’s Eve. I hope it helps you realize that maybe your lives aren’t so bad.
New Year’s Day I went over to my parent’s house to see what was going on, as it turns out, nothing was. Navy Seal Ken and my sister arrived around lunch time and left their children in the care of my parent’s and invited me to go “hang out” with them. Apparently one of their resolutions though is to not spend any money. So “hanging out” consisted of walking around the mall like penniless teenagers and “window shopping”, which, by the way, I’m a firm believer that the only kind of shopping you ought to do should actually involve spending money. In the course of this little trip I became annoyed with Navy Seal Ken, mostly because I was getting the vibe that he was annoyed with me. I have a faulty defense mechanism; I mirror the attitude that I think someone else is having towards me. But lately he keeps trying to tell me what to do with my life, and no offense, but I already have a father. When he first started doing it I didn’t mind and I didn’t care, mostly because part of me thought he was right, however, when advice is given the giver should realize that people have the right to take it or not to take it, just because you said it doesn’t mean that person is bound by some law to take it. I am choosing for the time being not to take his advice. I know he is well intentioned, but I still have the right to make the final decision.
We finally get back to the house and I come to find out that the family is having BBQ for dinner, which I hate. For those who don’t like BBQ my mom has made pork chops, which I despise, so I tell her I’m not hungry and skip dinner altogether. Luckily I really wasn’t that hungry. After dinner G.I. Joe shows up. So he, my sister, Navy Seal Ken, and I sit around the kitchen table talking. When he finally went to leave he gave me a hug, I hugged back but I made sure to do the friendship pat, I think you know what I’m talking about.
Why is it that my outlook for 2008 doesn’t look so good to me? I suppose by expecting the worse I am doing one of two things, I am beginning a self fulfilling prophesy, or I am allowing myself much room for surprise in the New Year. I wish I wasn’t in such a foul mood today.

Chapter 84: Quarter-Century Crisis

I wish that when I was young I had a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wish I had a clear idea when I was in college. Instead, I have always wandered without any specific direction. I’m going to be 25 years old in two weeks (which I would have actually forgotten but my sister-in-law was so kind as to remind me of how far away my birthday was). Since I am turning a quarter of a century old I got to thinking about what I have accomplished so far. I have a full time job where I have no clue what exactly I’m supposed to be doing, and wondering when it is going to start to actually require some effort on my part. I can say that I got my college education; I just can’t say that I’m actually putting it to good use. I have yet to have a job that required a bachelor’s degree. My first full time job could be attained with a high school education and my current job could be attained with an associate’s degree. I have always loved to write, but have never made much out of anything that I’ve written, nor do I think I have the internal motivation to make that happen, or the natural talent to sell anything. As expected another year has gone by completely devoid of romance, and the prospects for the coming year look dim. I honestly think that if I didn’t have this job, a dog, and a car payment that I might pack up and move on from here. I swear if the dynamics of my job don’t change soon I doubt I could last another year, I need more than this. I can’t waste my days blogging at work or counting furniture, rechecking addresses, or alphabetizing RSVP cards. I don’t like that I know the exact number of leather chairs in the office (57 by the way). Though I feel like a lot has changed since 12 months ago I’m still sitting here wondering when life is going to begin. I suppose you could say I’m going through a quarter century crisis.

Observations of my Cubicle Neighbors

I have a lot of time on my hands today as my boss is really busy. I've been trying to kill time by visiting other people and what would seem longer was only ten minutes. So I started to spin myself in my chair, as I was seeing my neighbor's cubicle over and over again I started to notice certain things that I hadn't seen before. Like the fact that he has a bottle with protein powder in it, so I figure that he's trying to bulk up and judging by the two big stacks of paper on his desk he either doesn't know how to file or his filing cabinet is too full. He's got a sweater that he must have brought last winter and has never bothered to take it home because I've never seen him touch it since I've started working here. Also, I ran into him and he's growing a mustach which I'm sure he calls a 'stach because it looks like he's getting ready to audition for a 70's sitcom. Then the other neighbor always has two cans of diet coke on his desk and it's next to impossible to tell if he gets new ones every day or if they are the same cans I noticed two and half months ago. However, this is the only part of his cubicle that I can peek into. Why is this day dragging? I still have 55 minutes to go until I can go do something productive.

Chapter 83: I think I'll go die now

Under the advice of Ducky (yes, I ended up telling Ducky) I have cancelled my plans with Mr. Collins, not only cancelled leaving open an opportunity to reschedule but I tried to make it clear that hanging out with him is not something I am interested in doing ever. I was going to call on my lunch break, but an hour and half before I went to lunch I started to feel like I was having an anxiety attack. I’m familiar with what my pseudo anxiety attacks feel like, I used to have them regularly when I lived in Idaho working in a deli and I was in love with the produce man. Every time I even glimpsed his profile my gut would ache and my hands shake, my face would be burning hot and I wanted to do nothing but drop dead where I stood. Many similar feelings today except there were some additives, such as my heart was beating rapidly through my kidneys rather than where it should have been in my chest and I became lightheaded whether I was standing or sitting, I’m not sure if putting my head through my knees would have worked because I was a little embarrassed to try at the office.
So lunch time came, I got home and had my phone out ready to call and then I called Ducky instead, I needed a pep talk. She tried her best but I couldn’t stop the aching in my stomach and this was something I would rather not have to do at all. I got a little mad at Mr. Collins for just not giving up pursuit three months ago like he should have, but then again, he has no idea that I ran away from home so I wouldn’t be there when he arrived for the first “date”. I got Newbie to help me with what to say too and then I remembered that he is on Facebook and started to wonder if dating etiquette had planned for the abundance of technological devices, if Mr. Collins can ask me to “hang out” and if he can use a GPS system to get his way around, why could I not use my greater communication skill of writing to let him down? I am not saying “great” skill, do not suppose I’m confident in this, just know it’s “greater” than my speaking ability. I asked my roommates if it was okay to send an e-mail and they both said it would be fine because he uses unconventional methods to ask girls out. So I started on the longest, shortest e-mail of my life. It was only a few lines but it took me over half and hour to write. I hate that I was put into this situation, I hate that I’m unprepared on how to let a guy down without sounding like you suspected it was a date. I hate myself.
I sat in front of the computer with an unchanged e-mail staring back at me, I hadn’t made any adjustments to it in a couple of minutes but I still read and reread it to make sure it was what I wanted to say, and of course it wasn’t what I wanted to say it was the polite version of what I wanted to say. In all I got advice from Ducky, Newbie, Motor Mouth, and Eeyore. Eeyore offered to write him an e-mail for me, also he told me to just tell him he makes me uncomfortable and to move out to Utah (that’s where Eeyore is). All offers were very tempting. What I wouldn’t give right now to feel like the right thing for me is to move, however, I don’t feel that way, so I am probably staying put for a long, long time. I told Newbie that I would probably stay here forever because I’m supposed to die here, and Mr. Collins will be there by my side, doing magic tricks. I finally closed my eyes and sent the message. Then I grabbed my purse and my cars keys and came back to work, feeling emotionally drained. The anxiety in the pit of my stomach is still present, but my heart has returned to its proper place and I’m not as lightheaded as I was before. I’m worried about what Mr. Collins response will be, if there is no response I’m relieved and yet worried he didn’t get it, also worried that I hurt him too much for him to respond, when really I’m hoping he’ll be too angry to respond, it’s always better to have someone angry at you rather then sad over something you said. Also if he does write back what will he say? He’d better have gotten the message, I can’t be a jerk twice (though in this I do have experience and am pretty certain that I would just because when someone doesn’t get it I lose it and say how I really feel just to ensure the point is getting across…why can’t I do this the first time? Because it feels like I’m overacting. Oh man, I’m burning up!!

Chapter 82: The Return of the List

It’s time to grow up and stop acting like a child. Mr. Collins has asked me to “hang out”. He caught me at a dance that I had no intention of attending in the first place, but was talked into going by some friends. For the most part I had fun. I got to see a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a long time, though I didn’t meet anyone new, which is what I was going for. But I wanted to just emphasize the fact that I did for the most part have a good time. We all got to dress up in nice clothes and do our hair and feel really pretty for one night. Everyone got on the dance floor for some song and before I knew it Mr. Collins was sitting next to me, why he wasn’t on the dance floor was beyond me. All night he had been a dancing fool going crazy with dance moves from who knows where. Newbie was helping me to avoid him most of the night and I have to say that she does a very good job; she’s definitely worth keeping around. At one point there was a slow song and I saw Mr. Collins walking right towards me, Newbie and I had been talking to a male acquaintance of ours, I would call him a friend except that I never hang out with him and don’t really know him that well, but in a moment of desperation I grabbed his arm and quietly (as quietly as one can in a crowded room with music blasting) if he wanted to dance. As we walked by Mr. Collins he said something like, “Oh you stole her, I was going to ask her to dance.” Like I want to be in such close proximity with Mr. Collins! Anyway, back to what I started. So there he was sitting next to me and I all I could think was, “Please don’t pull out any magic tricks.” We start talking which isn’t so bad, he asks me questions about how work is going, I shoot the breeze back, during the conversation several people came up and asked me to come dance with them, by people we are talking girls, during a fast song, who couldn’t use tact if they tried but I appreciate their efforts. I had to decline though, because their attempts were too obvious, I’m too freaking nice, and I had already stated quite vehemently that I do not enjoy dancing (and this was stated to Mr. Collins). Then he did it, he said, “We haven’t hung out in a while, I almost feel like you’re avoiding me,” let me interject here, that would be because I have been avoiding you. Also, who told guys to throw that in? He’s not the first guy in 2007 to say to a girl, “It’s almost like you’re avoiding me,” I skimmed through the “Dating 101” course guide and no where in there does it say to tell this to a girl. If you feel like a girl has been avoiding you, she probably has. To bring it to her attention in hopes that you’ll get an “of course not” or maybe in your wildest dreams a, “Oh no, I like you, I want to date you, why would I avoid you?” is some serious self deception. If she says that she hasn’t been avoiding you she’s just too nice to say that she has been. Really nothing is accomplished by this statement. So of course I said, “No, I haven’t been avoiding you,” and hoped that my smile covered my lie. Then he says, “We should hang out sometime.”When a guy asks you out you’re given the opportunity to say, “you know what? I’m not interested in you like that.” When a guy asks you to ‘hang out’ you can’t say that because then you either look like you’re reading into it, or you’re just a jerk who won’t even hang out with a guy. When you want to ask a girl out it should be clean, cut, direct, to the point. Don’t tip toe around the issue with friendship jargon, if friendship is not your intention then you sure as hell shouldn’t use the lingo for it! I ended up saying, “yeah, sure,” but it’s the “yeah, sure” that normal people give to each other when they haven’t seen each other in a long time and they say “we should hang out” because while both people may mean it to be nice and in most situations people actually want it to happen, both secretly know that it won’t. Apparently the understanding was only on my side of the conversation. So he says, “We’ll have to do it this week because I’m booked the rest of December.” What are you a motivational speaker traveling through the country? Well, if you’re so busy maybe we should do this in another lifetime, one where your every action doesn’t bother me. I was caught, if it’s this week then that doesn’t leave me much chance to hope he forgets, or to act like I forgot. I was a deer in headlights and I’m certain I had that facial expression too. Finally I tell him what I’m doing, I work in dates, not days, so I needed to know the dates of next week. I think he got confused and thought of other “dates” for a moment but then finally pulled out his phone calendar. Mr. Collins has no lack of technology in his life, from a GPS system that holds his hand around the city to a cell phone that lets him know his plans. So we look at the calendar and I really wish that hanging out with Ducky every night counted as “plans”. He points at Friday and says that day is no good, but the rest of the week is open. So I say, “Tuesday” might as well get it over with in the beginning of the week. He pauses, “oh, then we’d have to do it late because I’ll be driving back from somewhere (I don’t remember)” To which in my mind I thought to myself, “Well, then Tuesday doesn’t work for you either so maybe you should have mentioned that.” Finally he suggest Thursday and seeing as I actually don’t have any plans on Thursday I agree. Then he says, “So what do you want to do?” This question only solidifies that this is not a date because a date should be planned. Another little tip, if you want to ask a girl out why don’t you stop and think about what you want to take her out to do before you ask her. Nothing is more annoying then a guy asking you out and then expecting you to become co-partners in planning. If you don’t want to feel like you’re telling her what to do, think of something, and then ask the girl if that is okay. Anyway, not the point here.The point is, I haven’t told anyone about “hanging out” with Mr. Collins, because telling people has never helped me to follow through like a mature adult. Also, because I don’t want to talk about it, I’d rather just forget it until the day of, endure it and then forget it when it’s over. I hadn’t really thought about it until today, when I hadn’t heard from him and was hoping that he’d forgotten, or had a change of plans so couldn’t. I keep telling myself my plan of action, if he tries to act like this is a date I simply tell him that he did not ask me out on a date, he asked me to ‘hang out’ and friends ‘hang out’. Also, as far a Facebook is concerned I have a boyfriend, so there are my two lines of defense. The last time I had to tell it to someone straight about not being interested it was a 17 year old from work (Puppy Love), when I didn’t tell him exactly what I meant and tried to give too many reasons why I wouldn’t date him he found the loop holes. So eventually it will have to come down to, “I’m not interested in you like that.”Oh another thing, in 84% of cases when a girl says, “You’re a great guy,” she doesn’t really mean it, she’s just trying to be nice. Just thought I would debunk that myth.

Chapter 81: Curveballs

Why does life have to be so difficult, why does bad timing seem to always reign, and am I ever going to find a guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Will I always have to avoid the only guys interested in me because they aggravate me or are completely weird? On that note, Mr. Collins was at my house Monday night. We had a progressive dinner for church, so of course he was there, we love everyone right? My house was the place to go for dessert. I got stuck in a moment of conversation with him and he asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I told him that I was going to my parent’s and he asked where they live and such. I was very vague, I think my answer was, “not too far from here” and then I didn’t ask him what his plans were because knowing him he’d pull a magic trick on me and somehow get me to invite him over for dinner, which I would have to kill myself if that happened. So I avoided giving him any opportunity to do so. I just don’t understand why this guy doesn’t get it that I have no desire to even be friends with him. Then I hear later that he tried to enter into my roommate’s room! Heck no, that’s not cool, luckily someone was standing in the doorway and was oblivious to the fact that someone was trying to get by, even luckier, I had just left the room to go hide in my bedroom. My oldest sister is bugging me too. She’s one of those complainers that I have a hard time feeling sorry for, mostly because they aren’t the only ones going through a situation but they sure act like they are the only ones who have ever felt that kind of pain before. She also adds more drama than necessary to it. Now I’m dramatic but it’s all in good fun, hers is to elicit sympathy. She’s in town for the week, and every night I have invited her to come join the land of the living, but apparently being cooped up with my parents, Spam, and Burrito are actually more appealing to her. I know it’s mostly because I’m on the “singles scene” and she has withdrawn herself from it but then she expects me to withdrawal myself from it too! I just can’t do that, hanging out at my parent’s house listening to Spam and Burrito yell at each other and sitting on the couch while everyone watches T.V. is really not that appealing to me. I can only manage to do that on Sunday’s, any other day and I just can’t do it. I like hanging out with my friends, not only that but Eeyore is leaving soon and I know it sounds bad to choose a friend over family, but I may never see Eeyore again, I’m not that great at keeping in touch, and even though I don’t keep in touch with my sister very well we are bound together by blood and I will see her again. Besides, it’s not like I’m really choosing my friends over her, I have tried to invite her. And I know for a fact that she would do the exact same thing to me, she has. Did it matter that I was tired and wanted to sleep after a four hour drive? No, she had plans and I was coming along, and if I managed to get out of going with her she threw a fit like a spoiled brat. Sometimes she would seriously cry because I didn’t want to do something. She takes things too personally. Maybe it’s my distaste for clingy people, maybe I'm just a bad sister, I don't know.