Chapter 83: I think I'll go die now

Under the advice of Ducky (yes, I ended up telling Ducky) I have cancelled my plans with Mr. Collins, not only cancelled leaving open an opportunity to reschedule but I tried to make it clear that hanging out with him is not something I am interested in doing ever. I was going to call on my lunch break, but an hour and half before I went to lunch I started to feel like I was having an anxiety attack. I’m familiar with what my pseudo anxiety attacks feel like, I used to have them regularly when I lived in Idaho working in a deli and I was in love with the produce man. Every time I even glimpsed his profile my gut would ache and my hands shake, my face would be burning hot and I wanted to do nothing but drop dead where I stood. Many similar feelings today except there were some additives, such as my heart was beating rapidly through my kidneys rather than where it should have been in my chest and I became lightheaded whether I was standing or sitting, I’m not sure if putting my head through my knees would have worked because I was a little embarrassed to try at the office.
So lunch time came, I got home and had my phone out ready to call and then I called Ducky instead, I needed a pep talk. She tried her best but I couldn’t stop the aching in my stomach and this was something I would rather not have to do at all. I got a little mad at Mr. Collins for just not giving up pursuit three months ago like he should have, but then again, he has no idea that I ran away from home so I wouldn’t be there when he arrived for the first “date”. I got Newbie to help me with what to say too and then I remembered that he is on Facebook and started to wonder if dating etiquette had planned for the abundance of technological devices, if Mr. Collins can ask me to “hang out” and if he can use a GPS system to get his way around, why could I not use my greater communication skill of writing to let him down? I am not saying “great” skill, do not suppose I’m confident in this, just know it’s “greater” than my speaking ability. I asked my roommates if it was okay to send an e-mail and they both said it would be fine because he uses unconventional methods to ask girls out. So I started on the longest, shortest e-mail of my life. It was only a few lines but it took me over half and hour to write. I hate that I was put into this situation, I hate that I’m unprepared on how to let a guy down without sounding like you suspected it was a date. I hate myself.
I sat in front of the computer with an unchanged e-mail staring back at me, I hadn’t made any adjustments to it in a couple of minutes but I still read and reread it to make sure it was what I wanted to say, and of course it wasn’t what I wanted to say it was the polite version of what I wanted to say. In all I got advice from Ducky, Newbie, Motor Mouth, and Eeyore. Eeyore offered to write him an e-mail for me, also he told me to just tell him he makes me uncomfortable and to move out to Utah (that’s where Eeyore is). All offers were very tempting. What I wouldn’t give right now to feel like the right thing for me is to move, however, I don’t feel that way, so I am probably staying put for a long, long time. I told Newbie that I would probably stay here forever because I’m supposed to die here, and Mr. Collins will be there by my side, doing magic tricks. I finally closed my eyes and sent the message. Then I grabbed my purse and my cars keys and came back to work, feeling emotionally drained. The anxiety in the pit of my stomach is still present, but my heart has returned to its proper place and I’m not as lightheaded as I was before. I’m worried about what Mr. Collins response will be, if there is no response I’m relieved and yet worried he didn’t get it, also worried that I hurt him too much for him to respond, when really I’m hoping he’ll be too angry to respond, it’s always better to have someone angry at you rather then sad over something you said. Also if he does write back what will he say? He’d better have gotten the message, I can’t be a jerk twice (though in this I do have experience and am pretty certain that I would just because when someone doesn’t get it I lose it and say how I really feel just to ensure the point is getting across…why can’t I do this the first time? Because it feels like I’m overacting. Oh man, I’m burning up!!