Chapter 82: The Return of the List

It’s time to grow up and stop acting like a child. Mr. Collins has asked me to “hang out”. He caught me at a dance that I had no intention of attending in the first place, but was talked into going by some friends. For the most part I had fun. I got to see a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a long time, though I didn’t meet anyone new, which is what I was going for. But I wanted to just emphasize the fact that I did for the most part have a good time. We all got to dress up in nice clothes and do our hair and feel really pretty for one night. Everyone got on the dance floor for some song and before I knew it Mr. Collins was sitting next to me, why he wasn’t on the dance floor was beyond me. All night he had been a dancing fool going crazy with dance moves from who knows where. Newbie was helping me to avoid him most of the night and I have to say that she does a very good job; she’s definitely worth keeping around. At one point there was a slow song and I saw Mr. Collins walking right towards me, Newbie and I had been talking to a male acquaintance of ours, I would call him a friend except that I never hang out with him and don’t really know him that well, but in a moment of desperation I grabbed his arm and quietly (as quietly as one can in a crowded room with music blasting) if he wanted to dance. As we walked by Mr. Collins he said something like, “Oh you stole her, I was going to ask her to dance.” Like I want to be in such close proximity with Mr. Collins! Anyway, back to what I started. So there he was sitting next to me and I all I could think was, “Please don’t pull out any magic tricks.” We start talking which isn’t so bad, he asks me questions about how work is going, I shoot the breeze back, during the conversation several people came up and asked me to come dance with them, by people we are talking girls, during a fast song, who couldn’t use tact if they tried but I appreciate their efforts. I had to decline though, because their attempts were too obvious, I’m too freaking nice, and I had already stated quite vehemently that I do not enjoy dancing (and this was stated to Mr. Collins). Then he did it, he said, “We haven’t hung out in a while, I almost feel like you’re avoiding me,” let me interject here, that would be because I have been avoiding you. Also, who told guys to throw that in? He’s not the first guy in 2007 to say to a girl, “It’s almost like you’re avoiding me,” I skimmed through the “Dating 101” course guide and no where in there does it say to tell this to a girl. If you feel like a girl has been avoiding you, she probably has. To bring it to her attention in hopes that you’ll get an “of course not” or maybe in your wildest dreams a, “Oh no, I like you, I want to date you, why would I avoid you?” is some serious self deception. If she says that she hasn’t been avoiding you she’s just too nice to say that she has been. Really nothing is accomplished by this statement. So of course I said, “No, I haven’t been avoiding you,” and hoped that my smile covered my lie. Then he says, “We should hang out sometime.”When a guy asks you out you’re given the opportunity to say, “you know what? I’m not interested in you like that.” When a guy asks you to ‘hang out’ you can’t say that because then you either look like you’re reading into it, or you’re just a jerk who won’t even hang out with a guy. When you want to ask a girl out it should be clean, cut, direct, to the point. Don’t tip toe around the issue with friendship jargon, if friendship is not your intention then you sure as hell shouldn’t use the lingo for it! I ended up saying, “yeah, sure,” but it’s the “yeah, sure” that normal people give to each other when they haven’t seen each other in a long time and they say “we should hang out” because while both people may mean it to be nice and in most situations people actually want it to happen, both secretly know that it won’t. Apparently the understanding was only on my side of the conversation. So he says, “We’ll have to do it this week because I’m booked the rest of December.” What are you a motivational speaker traveling through the country? Well, if you’re so busy maybe we should do this in another lifetime, one where your every action doesn’t bother me. I was caught, if it’s this week then that doesn’t leave me much chance to hope he forgets, or to act like I forgot. I was a deer in headlights and I’m certain I had that facial expression too. Finally I tell him what I’m doing, I work in dates, not days, so I needed to know the dates of next week. I think he got confused and thought of other “dates” for a moment but then finally pulled out his phone calendar. Mr. Collins has no lack of technology in his life, from a GPS system that holds his hand around the city to a cell phone that lets him know his plans. So we look at the calendar and I really wish that hanging out with Ducky every night counted as “plans”. He points at Friday and says that day is no good, but the rest of the week is open. So I say, “Tuesday” might as well get it over with in the beginning of the week. He pauses, “oh, then we’d have to do it late because I’ll be driving back from somewhere (I don’t remember)” To which in my mind I thought to myself, “Well, then Tuesday doesn’t work for you either so maybe you should have mentioned that.” Finally he suggest Thursday and seeing as I actually don’t have any plans on Thursday I agree. Then he says, “So what do you want to do?” This question only solidifies that this is not a date because a date should be planned. Another little tip, if you want to ask a girl out why don’t you stop and think about what you want to take her out to do before you ask her. Nothing is more annoying then a guy asking you out and then expecting you to become co-partners in planning. If you don’t want to feel like you’re telling her what to do, think of something, and then ask the girl if that is okay. Anyway, not the point here.The point is, I haven’t told anyone about “hanging out” with Mr. Collins, because telling people has never helped me to follow through like a mature adult. Also, because I don’t want to talk about it, I’d rather just forget it until the day of, endure it and then forget it when it’s over. I hadn’t really thought about it until today, when I hadn’t heard from him and was hoping that he’d forgotten, or had a change of plans so couldn’t. I keep telling myself my plan of action, if he tries to act like this is a date I simply tell him that he did not ask me out on a date, he asked me to ‘hang out’ and friends ‘hang out’. Also, as far a Facebook is concerned I have a boyfriend, so there are my two lines of defense. The last time I had to tell it to someone straight about not being interested it was a 17 year old from work (Puppy Love), when I didn’t tell him exactly what I meant and tried to give too many reasons why I wouldn’t date him he found the loop holes. So eventually it will have to come down to, “I’m not interested in you like that.”Oh another thing, in 84% of cases when a girl says, “You’re a great guy,” she doesn’t really mean it, she’s just trying to be nice. Just thought I would debunk that myth.