Chapter 90: If only boys were like Dells

I wish I could say that I didn’t know what I wanted out of life anymore, but in order to be able to say that I would have had to have an idea of what I wanted in the first place. Sometimes I wish that life were a little easier, you take a quiz online and based on your answers this is what you want. Here’s where you should live, and here’s the type of job that is perfect for you, what really makes you happy are hot fudge sundaes and camping. It could even tell from your answers what you’re looking for in a companion, what will really grab your attention will be his eyes and his smile, no matter how much you want to believe that you aren’t shallow. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to do any of the work! But really, I can’t figure out what I want and I don’t know how to make myself figure it out. I honestly wonder sometimes if I am a person devoid of any and all romantic inclination towards people. My current “crush” is someone I am perfectly content to see once every three months. I don’t really have a desire to find “the one” even though I don’t believe in just one person. I am beginning to wonder if my education screwed me up. I know the things I should be looking for, the things that are actually attainable. I know that there’s no love at first sight, only lust at first sight, I’ve been made aware of the fact that soul mates (on a romantic level) do not exist. I also know that not everyone is born with the right to meet someone that they will love in this lifetime. Yet, even with all of this knowledge in which I have a bachelor’s degree to prove I earned it, I still find myself waiting for some freaking knight in shining armor. I think I know what I want and then I meet it and it falls short; I suddenly realize something else I wanted. Well, I got the sense of humor but where’s the attraction? If only you could make your own boyfriend, go online to www.boyfriends4ever.com and buy the basic model, pay a little extra here and there for specifics and upgrades. You want him to have dark hair? That’ll be another $3. You want him to be funny, sensitive when needed but able to build a log cabin? That’s going to cost you another $72 but if you order now we’ll knock it down to $49.99. I think I’m too picky, but I don’t know if I can break myself of what I’m expecting to get. But really, I’m not expecting to get anything.
We already know how much I hate dating, well, maybe deep down it comes from an idea that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When I think marriage I think of a stuffy Saturday morning when you come down the stairs to waffles being made (therefore the sink is full of dishes and batter is drying on the counter), you walk past boxes of junk and have to clear off a space on the kitchen table to eat. You grab a late shower so you already feel like half the day is wasted and then you spend the next 5 hours trying to clean the house until dinner time, it might be spring or fall so the windows might be open, and I hear a football game a little too loudly in the background. Marriage is a towel that dried on the clothesline for too long, it’s hard and difficult to bend not to mention scratchy and has the faint smell of grass and stale air. For those of you who happen to like clothes dried on the clothesline perhaps you never found earwigs in your laundry, but also, perhaps the idea of marriage is appealing to you. As for me, I like to use the drier, I also despise Saturday mornings. Pretty much I’m screwed.
I hate to make everything seem to revolve around the romantic, I apologize. The reason I started to write had nothing to do with that at first. But in a way, everything is intertwined. I think the thing I hate about the weather right now is that it feels like spring, and to me, spring means change. I always get antsy in the spring, it’s always the time for change, nearing the end of a school year, and it’s a hard habit to break. Things are supposed to end shortly after spring time and then wait a season and suddenly there are new beginnings. I like spring, I don’t want you to get me wrong, I really like change too, I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to discover things you didn’t know were there before. The problem though, is that it’s not spring, and there is no change coming my way. It’s kind of sad, when you hope that it’s coming and then you realize it won’t.
I like my job most of the time, but lately I hate it, I started crying on the way to work today, I don’t recall if that has ever happened to me before. Then my boss finally gave me something to do, retrieve a medical file from the filing cabinet and I hadn’t realized that I was a secretary until that moment. I wasn’t put on this earth to be a secretary. I know that I’m not, I’m given a vast deal more responsibility, but I suppose it’s the slow season right now, so for the slow season I retrieve files like a dog.