Chapter 88: GIve me a Noble Mission!

I think one of my problems with dating is that I don’t see much potential in the date itself. Whereas an optimist might assume that maybe something will become of it, I already know that nothing will. This is a recent development, I used to be a dating optimist, it is just within the past year or so where I have gone into a date already knowing that it’s not going to work out. Then of course it doesn’t and I wonder if it is just because I have a sense about these things or if it is because I make it happen. It’s difficult to say and honestly, I don’t get asked out enough to really be able to do a scientific study. I’ve been asked out; if I’m lucky we’ll get this thing over with this weekend. I should start at the beginning; about a month ago my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her, my dad, and my sister. I agreed and we went as a little happy family to the movies. While we were waiting for the movie to start my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Shorty, came into the theater, I was the one who noticed her right away and brought her arrival to the attention of my sister. She had a guy with her whom I erroneously assumed was her boyfriend. The four of us joked briefly back before the movie began, but as soon as it did we all stopped talking. After the movie my sister, Shorty, her friend, and I stood outside the theater talking while my parent’s caught up with a couple they’ve known for at least all of my life. I felt like it was no more than 20 minutes. Then we left. A couple of weeks later I got a friend request on Myspace. It was this guy that had been at the movies with Shorty. I wasn’t 100% sure it was him so I delayed accepting his friend request until I could ask my sister. Some time passed before I saw my sister again and I completely forgot about it. Then he sent me a message this past weekend, explaining who he was. I added him and wrote him back apologizing for not adding him sooner. Then I asked how he was. The next day I got an e-mail from my sister informing me that the guy who went to the movies with Shorty thought I was ‘hot’ and sent me a friend request. I already knew about the friend request and wondered how far behind my sister was. So it didn’t come as too much of a surprise when that evening the guy wrote back telling me how life was going for him and at the end he asked me if I would like to go out some time, “maybe have some dinner, hang out”. I don’t think that I have actually been asked out, with the words “go out” in…mentally calculating the years that have passed by since a guy got the nerve to ask me out semi-properly…well, I’ve decided if I can’t count it on one hand then I shouldn’t bother. I know, Mr. Collins asked me out, but when he did so it was the, “hey maybe we should hang out sometime.” This guy actually said, and I quote, “I was wondering if you’d like to perhaps go out some time.” Do you see the difference too or is it only me? Anyway, I’ve digressed. So I sat there trying to figure out what to say. I should give him at least one date, it’s the least I could do for his attempt, but there’s a little part of me who doesn’t want to have to go through another Mr. Collins situation. I’m trying to convince myself that this will be different since I never see this guy in my day to day life, or my weekend life either. So if it’s weird and doesn’t work out, then it’s completely over, no strings, no awkward run-ins. But you see, as I have said earlier, it’s not going to work out, I’ve already either made up my mind or seen the future and I know it won’t work out. I think the biggest problem is I have failed to see it from the other person’s perspective, they are still the optimist, they are the vested ones. They didn’t ask me out because they felt duty bound, they asked me out because they wanted to, I was the one who agreed feeling duty bound. They think that maybe it might work out. That’s the nightmare of the whole thing, for I already know that it’s not going to happen and suddenly it is dawning on me that when they ask you out in their heart of hearts they hope something comes of it. They may change their mind half way through the date but at the moment they have asked you out that’s what they are thinking. Why else would they ask you out? Granted I have asked guys out before not expecting anything to happen, but I’ll admit most of the times that I have built up the courage it was because I liked the person. I can’t imagine doing it otherwise. Except for my moment of desperation a few months ago when I didn’t want to chance dying and Mr. Collins being the last date I went on. Before that it was because we were doing some group thing and I needed a date, other than that, it was due to interest in the person.
But even with people that I like I’ve already decided that it won’t work out for some reason or another. TDH is a prime example, I’m madly infatuated with him but I already know it will never work out. We could be friends, we can flirt with each other, but as far as any kind of romantic relationship it’s not going to happen. He enjoys drinking, he likes to kick back on Sunday with a beer and watch some football, he’s a filthier potty mouth than I am and we just view the world in a different way. I don’t know if I can explain it or not, but it’s something I know deep down, it’s something I know won’t change.
I also know I have commitment issues that I need to work on because if I can’t get over them I will sabotage every opportunity that comes my way. The trouble is I have to learn to tell the difference between self sabotage and just truly knowing it won’t work out. I tried to experiment on this one with Mr. Collins, I thought maybe that I was making it worse than it was, I thought maybe if I gave him a chance that I might find that he didn’t creep me out quite so much. Of course I was wrong, but am I proving my point? I don’t know, I’m just thinking aloud because I’ve got so much time to kill.