Chapter 51: Stop Trying to Be My Boyfriend

So I think my mom is trying to set me up with my brother-in-law’s brother. My sister is dead set against it. I didn’t care at first but now I don’t want her to bother at all. It all started about a month ago. He kept telling my sister that he thought I was pretty and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have a boyfriend, while at the same time he is a shallow man who wants his woman to have a nice body, a characteristic I lack, though he never said this, I just know the truth. But ever since I think my mom would just love it if he became her next son-in-law, she did this with the other brother until he got married.
At first I wasn’t sure what was going on and to tell the truth I still don’t, because I’ve never been good at reading people, he may just want me to be his wingman at activities to help him find a nice Mormon girl. By the way he thinks MM is pretty…but needs to come out of her cocoon…what the hell does that mean? But back to the story, one time everyone was leaving the house and most everyone was related to each other because we had his brother over and his brother’s wife and my sister and him, and they are all connected, and then his brother’s wife is my friend from childhood. So hugs were going around but I didn’t hug him (he needs a name because this is going to get confusing) G.I. Joe, that’s his name, he’s kind of like a little G.I. Joe doll…err, action figure. So G.I. Joe says, “We’ll build up to hugs.” And we ended with a handshake.
I invited him to a movie party I was having because I had been talking about it in front of him and it would be rude not to. (That’s when he met MM).
So, apparently every Friday he eats dinner at my parent’s home. I don’t however because most Friday nights I work. But this past Friday I got off early so I went there to have dinner, he stays at my parent’s house until 11…every Friday. That’s my gig; he can’t be taking over my gig. So then this past Saturday I get a voicemail from my sister while I’m at work, so I call the house to return the phone call and my sister’s fiancée picks up the phone and asks me who I want to speak with, I told him either my mom or my sister because I was returning the phone call. Then who gets on the phone? G.I. Joe. I said, “You’re not my mom.” And he asked if I was coming over for dinner. I say that I will (only because my parents knew I was getting off work early). He jokes around with me a little on the phone and when we hung up I said aloud, “Stop trying to be my boyfriend.” Which is where the title came from.
So, I’m doing my usual, keeping my distance thing that I do anytime I get nervous that a guy might actually like me, but at the same time trying to act like nothing’s going on, we’re just friends, because again, I’m horrible at reading people and I want to be prepared to take whichever course of action I need to take. All night he would mimic me, not what I said or anything, but I poked a piece of bread, a little action that is done when not expecting anyone to be watching, and suddenly his hand approaches out of the corner of my eye, travels to the bread and pokes it. Why was he watching? Why did he poke? Later we were sitting on opposite sides of the couch and when that happens the cushions in the middle push out so you actually can’t really see the other person, so he said something to me so I smacked the cushion back so I could see and respond and then, even though he didn’t need to at that point, he smack the other cushion back.
G.I. Joe is a really cute guy, don’t get me wrong, and in most circumstances I would be thrilled just to be able to hang out with him. However, I’m not. I don’t know exactly what it is because I felt this way before last night, but all I know is that last night’s conversation sealed the deal.
I’m a movie person; I think you can tell a lot about a person by their movie choices. For example, if someone really enjoyed the Pride and Prejudice version with the girl from Pirates of the Caribbean, then they may have some pretty simple ideas of what a good movie is. I don’t fault them too much for it, but I can’t really trust their opinion on movies. But there is also the opposite, if they hate movies that are in all actuality good, but just don’t fit someone’s genre we have a problem, also if they don’t enjoy a good stupid movie now and then, there’s another problem. They take movie watching far too seriously. It’s like when people complain about the movie “Swing Kids” because it is historically inaccurate I feel like slapping them up side the head and telling them it’s fiction, in case they missed that the movie was never based on a true story, never claimed to have much sway as far as historical facts go, but just happened to be a fictional story based in an actual time period. Yes, many of us are aware that the dancing these kids did was completely unknown to actual teenagers in war time Germany; however, it’s a whole lot more interesting with the American moves thrown in now isn’t it? Tangent! Okay, so G.I. Joe is going through some movies, most of which I will never see because I don’t watch R-rated movies and I try to steer clear of the questionable PG-13 movies. I just began to zone out while he was talking to my sister about movies, I wasn’t going to pretend to be interested when I wasn’t. Later my mom was looking for a movie on TV and G.I. Joe kept shutting them down, or giving his approval of movies that I knew she wouldn’t be interested in. It was just…I don’t know. Have I mentioned he doesn’t like “Backdraft”? I love that movie, I woke up at 7am once because it was coming on TV and I missed being able to watch it. “Ladder 49” is the poor man’s “Backdraft”, a good movie but is cast in the shadow of an even better movie.
At one point yesterday he started to tell me how he was thinking of coming to the single’s ward but then thought about how high gas prices were and my sister said, “Well, Jessie can come and pick you up.” And he looked at me like, “yeah maybe” and I said, “That would mean driving to this side of town first, and ‘no’,” I don’t feel bad about shooting him down, I don’t want to spend a 30-plus minute drive to and from with him. I covet my drive to and from church when I don’t have anyone in the car with me. I can think about whatever I want or need to, when someone is in the car with me I am robbed of those precious moments.
Yesterday he stood really close as I said ‘goodbye’ and then he went for a hug, I had to give him one, you don’t shoot someone down for a hug when you’re in your parent’s home where your mother is always close by to remind you of your manners. So, now we are at that hugging stage and I don’t want to be. It’s just beginning to get annoying.

Chapter 50: Another Visit to the Institution

I think I have written before about running into crazies at work, but maybe that was in my Myspace blog. There’s a manager at work…we’ll call him Frosty because he always does this hilarious dance that he says is from those old cartoon movies such as Frosty the Snowman. So I have a bit of a habit of almost getting Frosty killed. I’ll recap quickly just in case I have never mentioned it. So one day I had a bunch of trainee’s at work and I was coming downstairs to check to see if they were there. There is a door to get to the stairs that you have push open if you are about to go down the stairs. So I pushed it open and it was a little too fast and it turns out that on the other side were Frosty and my trainees. I almost hit Frosty with the door and told him I was going to kill him one day but it was only going to be by accident. A couple of days later (seriously, it all happened in the same week) there was a crazy lady at work. She was in line for one of my trainees and she asked me what kind of credit cards do we accept. I told her pretty much all credit cards. She told me to wait a second while she pulled hers out to double check. She handed me a hotel card, the kind you use to unlock the door. I flipped it over a couple of times in my hand just to make sure that I was right in it being a hotel key card and not a credit card. I told her it was a hotel card and she nodded and continued to look at me like a hotel card was going to cover it. At that point I realized that there was something wrong with her so I told her I would be right back. I went over to Frosty and told him that we had a crazy lady in line who was trying to pay with a hotel key card. Frosty came over to help out with the situation and I tried to continue to coach my trainees on register (I had two of them). My one trainee finished up with the customer in front of the crazy lady while Frosty talked to her. She handed him something and he threw it away so I assumed that she had given him trash from her purse to throw away. Then she gets an attitude with Frosty and says, “Where’s my money?” and Frosty is absolutely confused at this moment and he’s not sure what to say but he asks, “What money?” and she goes on that he threw away her money and he contests that all she gave him was a paper clip and a piece of trash and that he threw it away. She insists that her money was on that paper clip. Bernie reached into the trash can and pulled out the paper clip and handed it to her. This only made her more irate, she started to yell that he took her money. Frosty turned to me and said, “Move you’re trainee down to register 12,” and then he looked at my trainee and said, “Welcome to Ukrop’s.” and then turned to continue to face the customer who at this point had come behind the register, grabbed the trash can and dumped it out on to the register belt. So I pack up one trainee and take him to a safer location and get him set up. I look back at Frosty and the lady is going nuts, Frosty at this point has already called the security guy to the register and he is on his way. Frosty gives me a look and it turns out later it was because I had just missed her shove him, so he had looked over and by that time I was looking in his direction, but had missed the actual push.
The rest of the day Frosty was telling everyone that I tried to get him killed and I had threatened him earlier that week so now I had just paid that lady to cause him harm. It was horrible, I felt really bad, but we always joked about it. That was several months ago. This past Friday I was training courtesy clerks, four of them, so it was hard to keep track of all of them, and one of them was bagging for a lady that was complaining or something about a card, but no one could really understand her. I asked her a bunch of questions about the card, I thought maybe she lost hers, or wanted a new one, but she didn’t want any of that, and in fact may have already slide her card for all I know. I helped my courtesy clerk bag for a while and then went to check on how another one was doing. Then I returned to the first one, the lady said that she had to wait and asked if the courtesy clerk could wait with her, he said he would and they went and stood by the wall. They were standing there for a while so I wasn’t sure how long she was going to make them wait and I wasn’t sure what she was waiting for. So I walked up and she asked if I was going to check her bags. I thought she was just taking training seriously so I said, “you want me to check the bags?” and she said, “yeah for drugs and alcohol.” Which actually I didn’t catch on the first two go arounds, I caught it on the third. I kind of look at the courtesy clerk and we both shrug our shoulders and start looking through the bags, you learn that maybe you should just humor the crazy people of the world. But then apparently I wasn’t doing it right, and certainly she didn’t want me to open the grocery items so I told her to hold on a moment and I went to customer service to get a manager, and who should be the first one I see? Poor Frosty, who just got back this week from working a month in Roanoke, so…welcome home, here’s a crazy lady. I just looked at him and said, “Frosty?” and he knew by the look on my face and he just said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” So I quickly explained the situation and he came out to talk to her. The moment she saw him her face broke out into a smile and I don’t know if it’s because she thinks he cutes or if she’s just so excited to see a manager. She starts asking his name and he just cheeses it and tells her his name and she starts to write it down on her receipt and then starts to write down other things and Frosty tells her that he can write it all down for her on a piece of paper at customer service. So he writes down his name, the store number, and the general manager’s name as well. I don’t even know what to do about the bags because she seems to have forgotten she even wants them checked. She’s gone into journalist mode and she’s writing down everything. After she was done with Frosty she went back to the register she checked out from and starts to get the cashier’s name and keeps asking questions and finally Frosty goes to her and tells her that he is happy to help her but she needs to leave the store now, she can’t interrupt business on the front end like that and if she doesn’t leave he’ll need to call someone (like the cops). This is when I realize that my trainee is still set to take her outside, Frosty is getting ready to walk with him but then turns to me and asks if it would be better if I follow him out since it would probably set her off if he did and the trainee might be more comfortable with me there. So I said I would go and then Frosty says, “Better yet, let’s switch him out.” So we picked an individual who is more seasoned and used to dealing with people there who may not have it all together in the cognitive factory upstairs.
The rest of the day was spent smoothing things over and telling people what happened. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point since I’ve gotten to that store the employees have come to expect me to know everything that is going on and they all come to me to find out what, “that was all about”. I hope this doesn’t mean that I am the “town gossip”. I’m going to console myself and say I’m not, I’m simply telling interesting stories, now people’s personal business. I just think it’s cool that the people like me and know where to go to get the interesting stories, considering when I first came to this store I didn’t think I’d ever get to the point where I would talk with any of them with more than a ‘hello’.

Chapter 49: One Way Only

If MM asks me one more question centered around Bull I am going to beat the crap out of her. Bull wasn’t at church today, do I care? No, not really. Do I know why? Absolutely not. Life petered to normal the rest of the day and then around 9:45 I hear a knock on my bedroom door. Then I hear little fingernails tapping. I want to rip those fingernails off. Then in a high pitched voice she calls for my dog. I stopped myself a few nanoseconds before I said something rude loudly. Then I opened the door, I made sure it was the uninviting door opening, where you stand there ready to shut it at any moment. She doesn’t seem to be the best at picking up visual cues and I doubt she’s ever really noticed because she’s never really focused on the other person involved in the conversation. She invites herself in despite the warning signs not to. She goes over to my dog and pets him a little and says, “how was church?” like she didn’t go even though she did. Then she says, “I missed Bull at church today was she there?”. I said, “No,”. “Why not?” I just rolled my eyes (because I knew she couldn’t see me) and told her I didn’t know. She tried to make a light of the fact that she was even asking and then left. I guess once she figured out that my well of gossip was dry she had no reason to continue conversation with me.
I just feel like MM uses me as her source of knowledge into the Relief Society and I’m not going to be that for her. I swear the next time she says anything that has to do with relief society or with Bull I will bludgeon her. I can’t tell you how much she aggravates me. During church today I sent Diva a note that told her to options she can choose from to help phase MM out of the house. First is to get two roommates when Jelly Bean moves out because MM said that she wouldn’t live here if we had 5 people here. Then the other option is to take over Jelly Bean’s room and make it our storage room so that when the new roommate comes and takes the room that MM uses to store all of her crap (she really should be paying double rent) then MM will have no where to put all her crap and maybe she’ll realize that she needs a place of her own because she’s not fit to share space with people.
By the way I am not moving out. Diva sent me an e-mail that pretty much changed my mind, that and I am fully aware that I may have been over reacting. However, this new realization that I am not getting away from MM makes life a little more dismal especially coupled with the fact that Ms. X is back. Life was going all right for a while but I suppose everyone has to deal with the natural bumps along the way. Still, if circumstances don’t change by the end of the year I may just have to go ahead and move. But hopefully things will change. It would be nice to be able to get my couch from my sister and to be able to unpack my kitchen stuff though. I love Diva and Jelly Bean, but it would be nice to have a place all my own where I wouldn’t have to hide out in my room so much.

Chapter 48: The Return

So last night I had a “Benny and Joon” party. It was going all right. Everyone was late except for two people but I planned it that way. In our culture if you want people there by a certain time you typically tell them it starts at least half an hour earlier then you want it to start. Then they’ll get there close to on time even though they are late. It’s absolutely fascinating and I wonder if there really are people in existence who have friends who all actually show up on time.
Anyway, so I was having a good time playing “Uno” though I typically don’t like that game. Then in comes Coz with two of his male friends and suddenly who do I see standing within the walls of my home? Ms. X! I don’t know how that happened, and Coz, like a man of desperation seemed to be hanging out with anyone he could besides her. I’ve never really known Coz to be afraid of many things but I know for a fact that Coz doesn’t like to be left alone with Ms. X. It’s like a small child with a dark room, it’s considered cruel and unusual punishment to force him to do so. Yet, Coz has his own illness that makes avoiding Ms. X almost impossible. He has the inability to tell someone that he doesn’t want to hang out with them. Cantsaynomeosis is a rare but deadly disease, don’t worry, so far it doesn’t seem contagious.
Ms. X came into the room and we made eye contact so I gave her the same uneasy smile and disengaged wave of the hand that I used to give my Aunt who abandoned her children with my parents so that she could more easily deal drugs and then ended up serving a year in prison all the while writing letters to her children about how great life will be one day. Needless to say, at one point or another in my life I truly hated my aunt, and at those times that’s how I acknowledged her presence in a room. It was not an inviting thing, but rather, a “there are people around and I don’t want them to think poorly of me if I truly say how I feel about you.” To this day I still can’t hug my aunt and act like nothing has happened. I’ll talk to her, I’m pretty much over all that she did, but I can’t muster the strength to act like I really care about her anymore. I don’t consider that holding a grudge, just because your feelings towards a person change during the process of forgiveness doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them, it just means you don’t feel the same way about them anymore, could happen to anyone.
Digression. So Mrs. X comes up, didn’t say anything, but she came to stand really close to me like I was supposed to jump up from my intense game of Uno and embrace her. No, I just acted as though rather than the front of her knees were level with my eyes it was the back of her knees and she was unaware of how closely she was standing. Basically, I pretended I didn’t notice her. Then she went and took a seat in the dining room and I got a text message from Diva saying she couldn’t believe that Ms. X was here.
Coz (who by the way I’ve been trying to get to have a D.T.R. with me, but he just won’t do it and I think he’s on to me and calling my bluff) seemed to lose brain cells by the second because he kept coming up to me and even though it’s his natural inclination to be touchy feely, he shouldn’t be touchy feely with me in front of Ms. X if he doesn’t want her to go for him. It’s like some strange version of King Midas and the golden touch. Every member of the male species that I have any contact with whatsoever turns into Ms. X’s next victim…I’d rather they turn into gold.
Later Ms. X came over to stand by me again but this time she made it more obvious that she was standing there to get my attention. She leaned forward and just smiled at me like I’m supposed to be excited to see her. I made small talk, said, “Welcome home, did you have a good time?” for the life of me though I can’t remember hearing her say anything, I think she may have nodded her response, but I can’t remember hearing her voice the whole night. Maybe she lost her voice box in Brazil…that would be fantastic. Like poor little Ariel lost her voice in Little Mermaid and had a harder time trying to get her man. It took all those fish friends to do it and I’m pretty sure Ms. X doesn’t have a lot of fish friends.
Coz and his male friends and Ms. X left the party not too much longer after getting there (thank goodness, I would have liked them to stay if they were just the three amigos and didn’t have Ms. X with them). Not long after they left though MM and…someone else, I can’t remember the other person contributing to the conversation began talking about Ms. X. I understand that I am bad mouthing her here in this little thing, but I didn’t do it in front of bunch of people, some who don’t know her, some who do, but regardless, none that needed to hear what they were saying. I am venting, I don’t really know what they were doing. But they were saying things I have thought, but I wouldn’t talk about it in a room full of people. While they were talking I quietly sang, “g-o-s-s-i-p, deadly and sticky”. I’m a hypocrite I realize this, I think it’s the human condition, along with being a flake. However, maybe what we all need to no longer be the way we are is to have other hypocrites just chide us when we do something wrong. Since we are all hypocrites maybe we would start to see how we all are and maybe even change. Maybe I’m wrong and that will increase the chance of burning in the world to come. Life’s all about chances right?
Anyway, we all went upstairs to watch the movie and didn’t have to deal with it anymore. Then after the movie the conversation seemed to be centered on Coz, which it shouldn’t have been and I should have stopped it because the night before Duckie and I had talked about starting a movement where we no longer discussed Coz, it’s one thing when you are in the room with him, talking to him. It’s another when he is no where around but everyone just wants to talk about him. I am in full support of Duckie and banning Coz’s name from public conversation, it’s all gossip anyway, why not get rid of it? From now on, in real life he will be “He whose name must not be spoken.” Yeah, sounds good to me.

Chapter 47: Did I Ask You?

So, I had to go to work right after finding out from MM that my dog had been found. I have to admit that when you are upset you do things you may regret. I almost e-mailed my mom about moving home, instead I contacted Duckie about becoming roommates. I can’t live with MM anymore, it’s more than just her telling me what she thought was best for me. She is not living my life, she does not think the way I do, so she has no say in my decisions. Besides all of that I can’t continue to live with her because I can’t continue to be between her and Bull and I can remove myself from MM more easily. It’s time to move anyway. I can’t expect my roommates to want my dog to return. First thing I asked Duckie is if she likes dogs; once that was established I asked if she would be completely opposed to living with my dog and I. She’s not opposed but she wants to talk about it in person. So we’ll see. Then I texted MM and told her I wanted my dog back. I also texted Baby Face and told him I found my dog. He called me and we talked about it then he asked what I was doing, but I was on my way to work. He thanked me for the CDs though I don’t know if he’s actually listened to them and then we hung up.
When I got home from work I wasn’t going to even talk to my roommates, nothing personal against Diva or Jellybean, but I didn’t feel like talking. I felt like this was something I was supposed to be thrilled about and yet at the same time felt like I shouldn’t be excited because I shouldn’t take him back. I was still angry at MM and unfortunately I usually let that affect everyone. But I went upstairs and talked to them and felt like I was over reacting anyway and then Jelly bean came in and started to give me her opinion and I wasn’t too thrilled about that and then it just slipped out that I was looking for another place to live. I sat up in Diva’s room for a while talking and MM came home while I was up there, I closed the door so that I could hide from her, not that it helps. She came up and asked where I was and Jelly bean pointed. She had me listen to the message, like that was going to change my mind. Why couldn’t she just give me the number? She didn’t just have me listen to the message either; she had it on speaker phone so that everyone could. I know she probably didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m one of those people who reads into everything so the gesture just kind of ticked me off more and actually made me more determined to get my dog back. Jelly Bean told me after MM had left that she would get the dog back after listening to that message.
Jelly Bean came down to my room later to talk to me about it. I wanted her honest opinion of what she would think if I brought the dog back. I’m not necessarily convinced that she would actually be in support, but she tried to make me feel that way. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I do like where I am at, but if Duckie and I can find something in a good price range I can’t guarantee that I won’t decide to do it. My life is full of changes right now, what’s the harm in adding one more?

Chapter 46: Speak of the Devil

My mom told me that when she was younger her brothers and she called her sister Buffy. Her sister thought it was after a character on a TV show and was enthusiastic for the nickname because she loved that character. My mom told me that what they never told her sister was that “Buffy” was short for Buffalo, and they were calling her sister Buffalo because she would pound around the house and they could always hear her coming.
With that I continue my rant about Motor Mouth whom from this time forth will be called MM or M&M…either way, that way if she were to find it after this point she might think the name was more endearing then it actually is. She knocked on my door today during her lunch break, opened the door even though I had not welcomed her in yet, I could have been half naked! So since she did this I’m pretty sure she saw my over dramatic spin up from my seat where I was rolling my eyes…okay, never mind she just came and talked to me
She got a phone call from a lady who has my dog! So instead of just saying, “We found your dog!” she starts off with, “hear me out.” And just like all these other freaks in my life who try to tell me what to do she proceeded to tell me that she thinks it would be best if I just let these people have the dog! First off, they saw the flyer a long time ago and never called then, so I’m supposed to say, “Oh yeah, you’ve kept my dog for two months without giving me so much as a phone call to let me know that he wasn’t dead, but you know what, go ahead and keep him.” Hell no! I want my dog, and you know what MM has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want the dog here so I’ll see what my other options are but I’m not going to let her keep my dog when she didn’t have the common decency to call when she first saw the flyer! And I know it’s horrible but one of my thoughts was to tell MM that it’s a $400 dog…you don’t just give those away to strangers who didn’t bother to call sooner. Yes, I’m happy my dog is okay and that he is alive…but I want him back.
And you know what? Why did MM have to come and say, “We need to talk,” rather then just saying, “I found your dog!”? For someone who doesn’t like drama she sure lathers it on.
And the fact that she tells me that she thinks it’s best that we let them keep him pisses me off because who is she to tell me what to do and to make me feel bad about wanting my dog back!?

Chapter 45: An Arch Nemesis Returns

Do you believe that people can change? I do and I don’t. I think it’s possible for biblical characters such as Saul (who changed his name to Paul because his change was so great). I’d change my name too if I did a complete 180. However, I find it difficult to imagine people I know changing. The way that the world operates is that you’re a bad person if you want people to change, you should just “love them for who they are”. But the thing is, sometimes people don’t know who they are, and they are less than they could be (and sometimes, people just don’t like the way that they are). People cling to the idea that “this is just who I am” and they know the world backs them in this misconception. Paul had the help of Divine Intervention where he was pretty much struck with spirit of God and told to straighten up or die, maybe he wasn’t told that exactly but you get the point; People I know may not be so fortunate.
You’re probably wondering where I am going with this. My main concern here with people changing is Ms. X. It’s been a long time since I’ve mentioned her, but I’m sure I’ve at least given a background of her. She’s been out of the country for the last eighteen months serving a mission for church. I haven’t written or had any form of communication with her since about two months before she left. I was completely okay with that. In fact she’s been gone the entire time that I have been writing here. I can’t believe I’ve been writing in this for 18 months already.
So some things have started in motion leading up to the return of Ms. X. A woman that worked closely with both of us when we were younger will be attending our ward because her husband was just called into our bishopric. I’ll call her Goodwill, because really, that’s what she’s all about, I don’t think she’s ever had a mean thing to say about anyone or to anyone. She’s just the nicest person. So Goodwill is the one who informed me that Ms. X will be returning in approximately two weeks. Goodwill expects me to be excited about this, she is under the assumption (from Ms. X mind you) that we are best friends. I had just been thinking that morning, trying to figure out when Ms. X will be returning and it certainly isn’t because I want to see her, it’s more of a countdown until life becomes more beleaguered and dramatic. Deep inside I know that I should assume that Ms. X has changed and has no intention of drowning me in the juices of gossip, sweat of rivalry, and depths of despair. But then again, experience has taught me that she is ruthless. The many mental breakdowns she fringed for me during high school, the pathetic inside jokes that every statement we said seemed to become, the competition for boys that I saw first, the way that she grabs my arm when she thinks we are getting along, the way that she brings up that time that she started dating the guy that I had liked for 2 years and her being my best friend at the time knew all about it.
Given this information people would say that I haven’t forgiven her, and maybe I fooled myself, maybe I thought I had forgiven her when really I’ve only been harboring ill will. She’s a bully, it’s the only way I can put it and it seems ridiculous saying that she is a bully when physically I could kick her trash, but mentally and emotionally she has some strange power to wear me down and she has been the cause of many of my guy problems, and she’s been the cause of even more nightmares.
I absolutely fear her coming home. I’m placing ten dollars on the betting table that she goes for Coz, twenty-five that she thinks we can pick up where we left off in high school, and fifty that she calls me ‘Jess’ and asks me if I remember some random “inside joke” from 7 years ago on the very first time I see her again, oh and that she says that I was trouble and she was my side kick in high school. Give me a break, I’m more trouble now than I was in high school and for those of you who know me you realize that that means I was the perfect teenager…except for a couple of things, but she didn’t have any part in those events.

Chapter 44: I'm Not Complaining

I had the worst trainee in the history of the world. Back in November or December I thought I had a hard time with these two boys that were promotional trains, but this girl last night actually topped both of them combined. It still amazes me how on earth she got through the interview process and her hiring specialist actually thought she could be a cashier. Believe it or not being a cashier takes a certain maturity level, I know, I was a little shocked at this too, I didn’t realize until I started training that some people really should just be courtesy clerks (baggers). So, oh crap, this story involved a new character who may show up more so I have to think up a name for him…Rookie? I don’t know, he’s young, he himself may lack the maturity to train but he’s a nice kid, so I’ll cut him slack, and after last night he owes me steak dinner. So, Rookie was facilitating the class last night (I had already been there since 10:30 that morning) and he has a full time job during the day for the summer, and he was really tired. I told him to suck it up and teach the class, not in those words, but he was teaching, I had already done my stint. So he teaches the classroom portion and then he comes up to me during break and asks me if I will do the lab part because he felt like he was “losing himself” not in the dramatic he no longer knows who he is and was falling by the wayside of sin, but in the, “I have no idea if what I am saying is making sense anymore”. I look at the meager group of 4 and since that morning I had a group of 7 and it went without a hitch I figure I can help Rookie out. I agree and my first hint that this might not be a good idea was the fact that I had trouble getting the four of them to follow me to the register lab. Finally got them in though and I began the lab. Right from the start the group was too loud and I couldn’t tell who it was being too loud, if just one or a couple of them, I mentioned that this group was a little A.D.D. tonight (don’t know if I’m allowed to say that as a trainer but there are a lot of rules I may have broken last night). My group of 7 earlier in the day had been so polite and quiet and learning everything and really they were a godsend because this week it was just Rookie and me for the beginning of the week and since Rookie has that other job I didn’t have a second trainer to help me in the morning class. Two of us didn’t seem like enough in the evening class. I finally get through some basics but then, I don’t know, let’s call her…The Infinitesimal Brain starts hitting all the buttons, like that’s kosher! Then she starts playing with all the mock groceries. Might I add here that every time you hit a button on the register in the lab it makes a small beep sound. So it was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*, which is what I felt like saying, but I touched my ice cold hands to cool off my burning face and at one point started walking towards the door and said, “I can’t take it! I’m out of here!” But then the look of panic on Rookie’s face made me turn around and laugh it off, even though my face was probably the same shade as a tomato. So I think my near nervous breakdown got everyone to chill out, except The Infinitesimal Brain, she just kept going. She had the valley girl accent, so if you know what I’m talking about picture that in your head. I don’t knooww, like, it’s, kindaaa, like, sloweerr than most people. And sometimesss, words like drag out a little longeerr than normall and there are weird…pauseess. So many spell check errors in that last sentence, but I don’t know how to write a dragged out word.
About thirty minutes into the lab portion of class she is slouching over her register and saying, “Gosh! I can’t stand this long!” Everyone kind of just looked at her and I said, “You’ve got to stand a whole lot longer during work.”
“Oh my gosh! Are you serious!?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“It’s so long.”
Airhead! It’s not as if the work requirements weren’t covered with her, during the interview and Tuesday in class, the whole part where you need to be able to stand for at least 4 hours, and lift 50 pounds, and if you can’t do these you can’t really do the job. Rookie and I kept making faces at each other and I told him that he owed me one and after a little while longer I told him that he owed me something big. I decided what he owed me later that night while I was leaving a voicemail for TDH with his test scores I started to tell him about The Infinitesimal Brain and told him that Rookie owed me dinner so he should come and we would talk about it.
I’m just too tired to even write about her. Needless to say we failed her despite a good test score and part of me wishes I had taken her out of class and told her to pack up her stuff and go home and we would be in touch. But at the time I didn’t realize I could do that.

Chapter 43: The Energizer Bunny

I just don’t get it. I do like Motor Mouth, I think that her intentions are pure, but why does she have to be so annoying about it? This morning I was getting dressed after getting out of the shower and she knocks on my door. I think I’m going to put some zapping device on my door and anytime that anyone tries to touch my door in anyway whatsoever they will receive a slight shock. If they continue to attempt the same action in a ten minute period the shocks will gradually increase. Right before the shock becomes lethal red lights flash and a siren will sound. Maybe a bull dog will come out of nowhere, I don’t know. Oops, I always do this, so back to the story. She asks me to come help her with a bulletin that she is trying to make to announce this little social thing she wants to do at church. Maybe I have been hanging out with Bull too much lately but I start to wonder why she is doing this. Apparently the activity this past Thursday went really well, of course it was to help introduce the younger girls into the program and out of three stakes which means at least 100 girls under the age of 18, only 3 showed up. However, about 25 girls from our ward showed up, which means that it probably had the highest attendance in the history of the ward. They socialized there; they don’t need an ice cream social. The part that gets me the most is apparently I have to attend it! I don’t believe in ice-cream being the center of a social event! I’ve said this before for anyone who was actually listening, but the last thing you want people to know about you is how you eat your ice-cream! Ice-cream is a very intimate dessert. It has to be enjoyed with 5 people or less! To have a social event orbiting around people eating ice-cream is making a mockery of the frozen diary production. All personal feelings aside, Bull had said something when Motor Mouth first brought this up asking why we needed it and sadly my thoughts were in unison with hers. But I helped Motor Mouth none the less and then went to finish getting ready for the day.
Later Motor Mouth came in to show me the flyers that she made and then she just keeps talking! Somehow anyone else could get away with doing this, Diva, Jellybean, anyone really, except her. So I continue to get ready, I’m not going to stand there and act like I’m really paying attention as she goes through her schedule as usual. She keeps saying how she has to do this and she has to do that and I simply say, “Doesn’t sound like you have to do any of that”. None of it was life or death; no one was forcing her to go. Her busy-ness is contingent on the fact that she chooses to be busy. She just laughed. I wasn’t kidding. Anyway, just so you know when I am getting ready in the morning I listen to my music loudly, so the whole time it’s been up pretty loud. She finally leaves the one door (I have two doors to my room). I do the finishing touches of getting ready and I’m not certain, but I think I can hear her. She’s moved to my back door which is by the laundry room and she’s talking to me! Why the hell does she think I can hear her! My music is blaring, my door is closed. Does she honestly think I can hear a word she is saying? Does the thinking process not complete? If I had been in her place and I could clearly hear music through a closed door I wouldn’t waste my breath! But there she was talking as though she were talking to herself but she was talking to me and she just kept going. She didn’t care if I could actually hear her and I was wondering if she was like one of those teachers who will hold you accountable for information that they think they told you. I should have just left the door closed but I was worried that she would come and knock on it so I opened it.
I finally got away only to be caught later that night. How many times can you try to end a conversation before you blow up at the person and tell them to shut-up? I think that question has a lot more in common to the ‘how many licks does it take’ tootsie pop question. You think that you can brave it and find out the answer but not much longer after you start you realize you are not strong enough to endure the testing procedure. I think that I have been having heart problems due to the fact that I keep getting stuck in everlasting conversations with Motor Mouth. She’s like a gobstopper. Man I need to eat some sugar so I’ll stop comparing everything to candy.
Several times tonight I mentioned that I was going to bed and she just kept going! She repeats too, like a CD cycling through the tracks again, except it’s not the exact same, the words are modified and there’s no catchy tune.

Chapter 42: Undesired Information

So, I’m a little weirded out right now. I’m not quite sure how I’m processing some new information that I got tonight. Two things. First is first okay? All right, so I made a trip to my happy place tonight, I needed a little boost in moral. I run into Baby Face which, since I am his stalker that wasn’t too difficult to do, actually he was right by the door when I came in. So we start talking and he says, “What was with that message you sent me?” Let me recap for you. So the last day of school for the county was this past Friday, so I thought I would be funny and text Baby Face and say, “The great Alice Cooper once said, ‘school’s out for summer, school’s out forever.’” I laughed at myself, I’m a genius. So not too much longer after that Baby Face replies with a “ha-ha”. I thought that meant he got it. Instead he’s been festering in confusion for a good 4 days! As soon as he asked what was up with it I got a red flag and I said, “Alice Cooper,” in case I forgot to write the first part of my ingenious text message, “Do you know who Alice Cooper is?” He gets a little shy, “no”. What the? It took me a moment to come out of shock and then I say something about how I must be old, I assumed everyone knew who he was. He asks me when it came out and I told him the 70’s and he says, “oh well that explains it” and I told him that I wasn’t around in the 70’s and I knew about it, his response, “Yeah I know you were born in the 60’s” to which I hit him and yet, at the same time I pitied him. It’s like the kids who didn’t know “Walk like an Egyptian”(I did write about that right?), I mean, what do you do with people like that? So I saw Poof Daddy and Wiggum and I asked them if they knew who Alice Cooper was. I knew that Wiggum knew, I was really only asking Poof Daddy and they both said yes and then asked if I did. Of course I do, but I explained that someone didn’t know and I didn’t want to say who it was because I didn’t want him to be embarrassed. It didn’t take long for them to get it out of me, I think I held out 2.5 seconds. But I made them promise that they wouldn’t say anything. Poof Daddy was saying that he was going to hit Baby Face because he didn’t know who Alice Cooper was (what it would be like to actually think like a guy) and Wiggum told him that I never told him that, so he couldn’t hit him. Apparently Baby Face doesn’t really listen to Rock and Roll…what else is there?
Okay, now on to the seconds. When I first ran into Wiggum and Poof Daddy, Wiggum pulled me aside because he had something to tell me. He got engaged. I know the woman he got engaged to, she’s really nice. The only problem is, Wiggum is a year younger than me and his new fiancée is at least 40 years old. We’re talking Demi and Ashton here, except they aren’t as beautiful as Demi and Ashton. I had a feeling that Wiggum had a mother complex but I didn’t realize he would actually get hitched to one! At best I thought it would end at flirtation, or casual dating. Of course Wiggum throws in while he’s talking to me that he wanted to tell me because he knew that I would understand and that I was cool with it. Sometimes we say things that we don’t mean, but then we can’t be a jerk and take it back and we couldn’t be a jerk in the first place and say something at the start, so we come across as supportive when in the crevasses of our minds we’re going crazy. I wiggled my hips and said, “Of course I understand, I mean I go for the younger guys all the time.” Not exactly a lie or a joke but it helped to pull me out of the shock enough to act happy for my friend. It’s a new world, and Demi is in, and all of us single ladies must unite or die off. I hope that when I’m 40-pluser I can find a 23 year old to spice things up, unless of course I end up with another 40-pluser and then I’ll be happy, but if I don’t I know where to find some young guys with mother complexes.
I’m just floored by it; I can’t really wrap my mind around it. Part of me feels like I should talk sense into both of them and the other part tells me to back off. If they are happy then that’s all that matters. Who cares that in a few years she’ll be on Medicaid. I can’t really judge because then I think I would be a hypocrite. For a long time I’ve been trying to tell myself that if a woman wants to go for a younger guy then that’s okay because society wouldn’t have a problem with an older guy and a younger girl, so why should they have a problem with the reverse? On the other hand, if I had a 23 year old female friend dating a 40-pluser I think I may still have the same cognitive complications. It sure makes a seven year difference look like a splinter in time. There must be something in the water.

Chapter 41: LIke a worm from the bird

I for the most part get along with Motor Mouth. I really do, I’m not lying. Okay, so maybe that is mostly due to the fact that I have been out of town for a majority of this month. And lately when I’m in town I’ve been over at my parent’s house a lot. But last night I got home from North Carolina and I was in my room, I don’t really remember what I was doing, but I know I had a movie going and I was just ready to fall asleep. In North Carolina 9:30 seemed like 1:30 so I was tired by that time the whole weekend, so being home I was still in that. I was already up half an hour after my weekend bed time and I hear a knock at my door. There’s no guessing who it is, no, really, no guessing, I know who it is. Diva would have called me on the phone and I believe that Jellybean’s boyfriend was here so it certainly wasn’t her. Without realizing it I rolled my eyes and sighed. How long would it be this time? With Motor Mouth it always starts with a simple, “Just wanted to make sure you’re alive” (because I mentioned once that I believed I could die in my room and no one would realize it for days because I always hang out in my room, big mistake, now she’s just got a reason to come to my door at least once a day) or “just wanted to say welcome home.” But she’s got other intentions. Last night she pulled the ‘welcome home’ card and I said ‘thank you’ or whatever you’re supposed to do and then I don’t even remember how she got going but I got to hear about how sick she’s been and how crazy her life is, and how she’s taking too many classes at school. The next two weeks are going to be hell and then she’s got three projects due the week after that (see, I do listen to people, even when I don’t want to). And she’s trying to be nice to Bull (okay, intro of a new character). Pardon me while I introduce you. Bull, why do I call her that? First off, because I keep thinking of someone else’s last name every time I say her first name, that person’s last name happens to be “Bull”. Beyond that, she happens to be full of it, and what do you say when you are too lazy or too polite to complete the phrase “Bull Shit”? That’s right, “Bull”. You still get the idea out without saying the complete phrase and you can even say it to your mom because it’s edited, you know, should your mom happen to be full of it some time. So now you kind of know how I feel about her. And isn’t it odd that Bull and Motor Mouth disdain each other? Two mortal enemies locked in combat with me constantly in the middle. Oh did I mention that Bull and I have to work closely in church? And then there’s the obvious roommate-ship between me and Motor. All of this compiling to wrap me up in drama most of the time that I am at church or at home.
However, Motor Mouth seems to be making an effort to get along with Bull. She tried the “Kill her with kindness” approach and that backfired, I don’t know if she knows it backfired. I do however, because remember, I’m in the middle. Then she decided to just be nice, which I think is helping, I know that it’s helping me to get along with her better because I get to see the ever worsening side to Bull, who I am slowly coming to believe is about 87.4% evil. The fact that she can’t just accept the try on Motor Mouth’s part but rather assume that Motor Mouth is trying to go for world domination, which I personally never even noticed, I don’t mind other people being in charge. The part that kills me is that from the looks of it Bull is also rallying to put herself in the world domination role. All while trying to seduce a man that she cannot have…probably because he’s gay but knows it’s wrong so won’t admit it…oh that was mean, so mean that I would almost take it back if in the deep recesses of my mind it wasn’t the only solution that leaves the world making sense. She probably, no, I take that back, it’s not probably, it is definitely hates Motor Mouth stemming from a prior affiliation with Coz, oh that’s right, the guy I’ve been talking about is Coz. Coz seems to be the kind of guy that once he can have you he doesn’t want you and there’s no way to figure out if he ever wanted you because of this. He’s not shy about going after girls that he doesn’t think he can get, I’ve seen plenty of that. But back to Bull, as I said this hatred stems from Coz, Coz is not all encompassing. I suppose it just happens when two control freaks ram heads. Just seems like a lot of drama over a boy who doesn’t seem interested in attainable women.
But back to the story at hand, whew, we really get off track when we introduce new characters. So, Motor is trying to help out Bull in probably the most extravagant event in the history of the church. I “unfortunately” will be unable to attend due to work obligations, but I hope for budget’s sake that the event turns out well, otherwise what a waste of money. So that was in Motor’s spiel as well. At this point I am leaning against the door frame with one arm inside my room as though if I let go I wouldn’t be able to return. The thing that bugs me a little about Motor Mouth is that when you think the conversation is over and she’s about to say ‘goodnight’ or something, she tries to start a new subject. She’s like a fire you can’t put out. You douse it in water and yet it keeps coming back. Better yet, she’s like those birthday candles that relight. Those are so annoying.

Chapter 40: New Beginnings

So, it’s official, I don’t believe that my dog is ever coming back. Today while cleaning up my room I finished packing up his stuff and I’m not sure what to do with it all. Right now it’s sitting in the laundry room next to my other failed attempt to have a pet, the remains of what my mouse used to live in. I’m hesitant to throw the dog food away, so right now it’s just sitting there. But it’s out of my bedroom and that’s half the battle. I don’t know why I’m saving the stuff; in all honesty I don’t believe that I will ever get another dog. I wasn’t really a dog person to begin with, maybe I’m just not supposed to have pets, period, all I do is lose them and kill them.
So my sister is finally getting married and I know that I need to ask off for the wedding and the bridal shower (mostly because it is up to me being the only sister within a 4 hour drive to throw the bridal shower) but I keep thinking that I won’t be at that job by that point, and I’ll have my Saturdays off with my new job. But I haven’t applied for any jobs, so why do I keep thinking it’ll be that way? I need to e-mail the human resources department for the city and the county and see what I need to do to start teaching but in all honesty I’m scared to death that they’ll let me start right away and I don’t feel qualified to be teaching just yet, but it is something that I want to do, and I know that I don’t want to keep the job that I currently have, even though I love it most days. I love the training, I hate coming up with things to do and I still hate the random schedule (real surprise there). I don’t think I should feel bad about looking for a new job, how long did they really expect me to keep this one? It’s certainly not a career for me, just a job. Teaching, if I do succeed and like it, will be a career. I also shouldn’t feel bad because one of the other trainer’s was telling me how he’s been looking for a new job (not TDH, I think TDH will always be a trainer). It’s just who he is.
But I need to just swallow my fear and apply to the job. I think I would be happier. And you know what? I know it sounds bad but I would have my summers off. What would I like to do with those summers? I would like to go live in some small Podunk town and learn all about the people and write a book about my experiences. I really want to write a book and it occurred to me this weekend (and actually always has been at the back of my mind) that I have no talent for fiction. So maybe non-fiction is my best bet. Even if I can’t actually write a book how would it be to just experience the other side for once? I grew up middle class suburbia, even when we were poor I didn’t know about it, and since then I can pretty much have whatever I want/need. I’m not trying hard to make ends meet, and I lack the ability to be purely interesting. My dad never had a drug addiction, my mom didn’t stay Catholic so there goes any hope of an interesting childhood, and I’ve never really been the rebellious type. I truly believe the principles that keep me grounded so there’s no way I’m going to experiment with anything, I don’t even watch ‘R’ rated movies, because they are “R” for a reason, language or soft porn (let’s face it, that’s what it is now). I just want to see how it really is because you can’t always trust the movies to tell you what life’s like. I think Disney taught us all about distrust when it comes to movies telling you how real life should operate. I just want to be interesting or at least be able to say that I tried.

Chapter 39: Secret Talents

I’m wondering two things right now, the first being why am I about the cry? The second, why is it the beginning of summer and I am freezing? Being a woman can be difficult, we don’t know why the hell we do some of the things that we do.
TDH told me tonight how he used to write for his school newspaper and he gave me the web address to read some of the articles that he wrote. I was reading the first one and it was absolutely fantastic. It was funny and it brought up issues that I have brought up before and I seriously loved it. A very good start to reading some of his “work”, however, it left me misty eyed. I don’t understand it wasn’t sad. A woman’s sadness can hit at any time under any disguise. She could be laughing and suddenly the weight that she has been secretly carrying is jarred loose and come tumbling down over her face. I suppose this kind of thing doesn’t happen to those who openly wear their sadness (like the self pitomizers do), but for people who’d prefer to not let on that they are sad it could attack at any moment. Yeah, I still miss my dog; when I drove up to the driveway the other night after having been out of town for almost a week, sadness swept over me. My dog is gone. I got over it and came into the house. Maybe everything that builds up can secretly come out when you think nothing’s wrong, because you’ve convinced yourself that nothing is wrong. But slapping on a smile when you don’t want to is kind of like sticking a band aid over a gash, you can try to convince yourself that it will do the trick, but the band aid and the gash prove inadequate companions. Wow, digression at it’s finest.
Then I went to go get something to eat because I haven’t eaten all that much today. I sit back down to read some more articles and I’m seriously shivering. I have a hoodie on in June…in Virginia and my teeth are still chattering. But seriously, back to the articles from TDH, I think I may have just slipped into love with him. I say slip because “slip” seems less painful than falling, and is a whole lot easier to recover from. Today I had every intention of not looking at him the way I usually look at him, of not seeing him as a potential because he’s not a potential. I tried my darnedest to just see him as a coworker. Somehow when you make up your mind that something in particular is not something you want it gets easier to show that you want it. Does that make sense? It’s crystal clear to me. When I want something, in particular a boy, it becomes very difficult for me to express myself around that individual. It’s hard for me to be myself. I didn’t really have a hard time being myself around TDH, I think I brought my A-game in the wit department; and I can eat peanut butter crackers in front of him (that’s saying a lot, how many people would you chance eating peanut butter crackers in front of?) My difficulty came in showing I was interested. Sure, I stared too long, I smiled too often, but I always kept a certain physical distance. I’ve never been a good contact flirter.
To speak in all honesty I think tonight is the most physical contact I’ve had with TDH. Even though at times he seemed a bit much with the cocky persona, I simply attributed that to the fact that he lost a very important notebook and this is what he has to do to keep from crying. At one point I told him that he didn’t take compliments well, he let them all go straight to his head. At the end of the night we were trying to figure out someone’s voicemail. She’s a part-time trainer who usually works all by herself in Williamsburg but she’s in town helping us out because we are down a trainer due to a new store opening. I was doing pretty good getting everyone else’s voicemail numbers, the other two trainers I got on the first attempt. But this one was proving difficult. TDH thought he would help by calling out all possible four digit numbers that could lead us to the right inbox. He said 3-0-4-8 and I obediently dialed only to hear my own voice on the other end. I looked up at him and backhanded him in the stomach telling him it was mine. I’ve never play hit him before and tonight I did at least twice. I don’t think I’ve non-play hit him either, but you know what I mean, the elementary school level of flirting. Hit the one you like.
Then we were leaving a note for our manager on her desk and she has a Dilbert day planner (yes please). I love Dilbert so I started to read the cartoon it was open to. I was cracking up before I could even finish, it was probably one of the best ones. This unknown character was talking to someone during an interview for a managerial position and he just kept talking about how he loves to talk and how his ideal job would be one where people where forced to listen to him and just smile and nod. TDH wanted to know what was so funny and I told him I was reading the cartoons and then I said, “This one makes me think of you” so I hand the book over and point to the square where the guy said the thing about smiling and nodding and TDH read it and then laughed and said, “Yes, that’s me”. I know.
Later he had me edit his e-mail and there was a point when I was trying to figure out what tense the word he had should be used and my finger was up, kind of pointing to the words in the sentence as though it were suspended in air as I thought and he said, “oh no,” and started to laugh, I asked him what that was about and he said, “you’re dialing your imaginary phone again, something’s wrong.”
Anyway, when we left the building for the night I walked him to his car as usual, just kidding, but he was parked closest so I did walk him to his car, but this is the first time. We don’t usually talk personally on the way to the cars. We talk about a crazy trainee or what the rest of our week looks like or something like that. Instead I found myself listening to a crazy story about bad bacon, his dog, and a swarm of army flies. It was pretty entertaining, of course after having read his articles I think he was preparing me for his desire to over exaggerate things…sounds like someone I know. Then he starts talking about his notebook and how it had to be in his car because why would he take that into his house and not his other notebook. He starts digging in and I was going to just walk to my car but I asked if he wanted help and he accepted the offer. So I set my stuff on the trunk of his car and climbed into his car looking for his notebook. I didn’t think it would be hard until I entered the landfill, err, I mean, front seat of his car. My first response was that I thought my car was dirty. I was beginning to wonder if he actually lived in a house or if he lived in his car. I also asked him if he had a plastic bag and suddenly my main concern seemed to become more environmental rather than helping him find his notebook. Maybe he wouldn’t lose so many things if he didn’t hang on to every fast food wrapper he’s ever received. I had no idea how I could seriously help him find his notebook in that car since I feared really digging in. I finally just gave up and gathered my stuff and told him I would see him later. As I walked away I told him good luck and warned him not to get hepatitis while in pursuit of the missing notebook.

Chapter 38: Random Thoughts While Sitting in the Airport

I find myself actually missing TDH, which surprises me a little because I thought I was coming to the point where I convinced myself it would never work out, mostly due to the fact that it never would work out. So to find myself missing him is a new thing for me, or more like a revisited thing. Something I had forgotten that I felt once upon a time but somehow the distance seemed to literally pull on a heart string and open a chamber filled with longing. A surprise because it is not a feeling I expected to possess. Not just for him or so much for him, though I do find myself really missing him, but for a lot of things in my life. It’s a weird feeling, like a deep rooted regret of things not said or actions not taken. It literally makes my heart feel heavy. It feels like I have left home for an undetermined amount of time, though I know my return date. At the same time, I don’t know if I want to return home.
I’ve also decided that I’m not the only person who over analyzes life. In those moments when a group of people sit in silence and everyone seems to be looking at some invisible, stationary, hypnotic object everyone is thinking about things in their life. Not that I can ever prove this because even if I decide to be honest in answering the “what are you thinking about?” question, it doesn’t guarantee that other people will make such a commitment and when I ask the question I will only get the answer of “nothing”. The nothing answer I have concluded comes from three roads. The first is the embarrassment road, when a person is left to think or day dream about whatever they want to and then are pulled out by someone trying to inch their way into their minds they are reluctant to admit what they were thinking about so they go for the stock answer, “nothing”; the second road is that when asked they have no idea how to word it, there are so many different thoughts swimming around in their head and they are quickly visiting each one when interrupted and they have no clue how to answer so they say, “nothing”; and finally the third road is the “none of your damn business” road, at which point it’s best not to pursue delving into that individual’s mind.
I just think that for the most part people think about life in general and how they’ve come to where they are at, and as an outsider I have to wonder, “Are they happy?” Has life left them content? I wonder is what they have what they expected from life? Do they feel short-changed or is everything as it should be? You look at people’s faces when they are “zoning out” and it’s not like the norm is having a smirk steal across their face, but they are straight faced and you just have to wonder what is making them so somber?
It makes me think, what is happiness? Can it even be defined? Can it be attained? Is happiness simply something to be hoped for, dreamed about? Have we focused so much on what happiness is to us that when we do not obtain it we are miserable? Maybe the lack of happiness is just within ourselves. If we are unhappy we need to change what we think happiness is. That’s something that I know I will need to work on.
Another thing, why do you whisper when there is no chance people will hear you? There was a couple sitting in the middle of the terminal, no one was around them for three to four rows at least and they were very close together while whispering something. Is the whisper for the intimacy? Because you could have just talked in a low voice, no one would have heard you over the roar of planes taking off, the crying of babies from unseen places, and the regular hustle and bustle of the airport that seems to echo off of the walls.
Oh and another random thought from sitting in the airport, when I die I want my voice box and my lungs removed so I don’t make any noise if for some reason I am stored on the bottom of a plane and my lungs compress and air passes over my windpipes, sounding like a depressed and lonely corpse, just in case I kick the bucket anytime soon, or especially while I am away from home. Didn’t happen to see a coffin on the flight home, however, I was reading a book where one of the main characters had to sit in the cargo of the plane and thought she was going crazy because she could hear someone moaning. Then she came to realize it was the coffin and she freaked out thinking the person wasn’t dead and the pilot told her that with dead bodies in air the lungs compress or depress causing air to move over the vocal chords. Could I please just be silent once I’m dead?

Chapter 37: Back to Screwed Up

I’m trying to resist the urge to move. Nothing is going on with the roommates or anything. Nothing’s wrong in that respect. But I just feel like it’s time to move on. I’m hoping that this feeling is just a need to get away for a while and I’m leaving next week to go on vacation for a week and hopefully that’s the only break I need.
I saw a moving van today; people outside packing up the last things of the house and you could look into the windows and see that there is nothing left in there. I felt like I could smell it, you know that smell of an empty house? Well, maybe it doesn’t smell like an empty house, but the smell I had in mind was the apartments we lived in and you do a complete scrub down before you move out. It was a mix of fresh spring air and cleaning supplies. Something about it was nice. In an empty house your footsteps echo as you walk around to collect the last items to put in the van, walk through one more time to soak in old memories and to give a last goodbye to a place that more than likely left you with many good memories. And to know that you will never return to that house, at least, not to live in, and not as the same person as you were. Maybe people leave because they don’t feel like they are the same people that they used to be; maybe they leave because they have changed and now they feel they need to change where they live.
I don’t know, all I could think was that it must be so nice to be moving. I know that I hate the whole not being settled part, but you’ve got to admit that there is a certain appeal to starting over. Coming into a bare house and making it yours and it will actually be clean for at least the first day after you’re completely settled in. I guess I’ve gotten into the habit of moving from so many years in school, having to move all the time and personally, even though I hated it part of me really liked it. I love “setting up”. Sometimes I rearrange my room to simulate the feeling of moving, but it’s not always the same and honestly, I don’t think it’s going to cover the bill this time.
At first I thought the reason I wanted to get away was because I lost my dog, I just wanted to move and forget I ever even had a dog. That may sound harsh, but maybe I deal with things differently than other people. I just, didn’t want to be here. I still don’t want to be here, I don’t really like hanging out in the house, mostly because no one is ever here. I used to love not having anyone home, now I can’t stand it. I don’t like this house like I used to. I’ve been thinking that I don’t have to leave Richmond, maybe find an apartment somewhere…I’d just have to find a roommate because I can’t afford to live in Richmond by myself. Unless I go ahead and change jobs too, there are plenty of jobs that have requirements that I fit that pay better then this…at least I think there are. The only problem would be in getting one of them.
I just don’t think I’m happy, and I know happiness is a long shot in everyday life and “content“ is probably what I should be settling for, but I don’t even feel that most times. Like I said before, hopefully this can be fixed with a vacation, if not, I’ll let you know.

Chapter 36: Have You Seen Me?

I’ve lost my dog…
I was really tired yesterday morning so I put him in the backyard and went back to bed, I’ve done this before, he’s always been fine. There’s no way for him to get out of our yard. Yet, he has. He’s no where to be found and I’m panicking. I have to go to work, I don’t feel like this is a justifiable reason to call in. I can only hope that for some crazy reason one of my neighbors have my dog in their home. My roommates have done a great deal to help out and even gone and asked neighbors, none have seen him, but hopefully he’s safely inside there. If not…then I don’t know.
I’m an idiot. What if he’s been kidnapped? He’s a boxer, people kidnap boxers. What if there is a crazy animal killer out there stealing puppies for their fur or something like that? What if I’m overreacting, worse, what if I’m not?
I was going to get him a tag on Saturday, but I didn’t have a tag for him yet. It’s like when you plan to make spare keys for your car and the day before you’re going to go do it you lose your keys, or lock them in the car.
I’m a bad owner. I surprise myself every time I start crying. I suppose you don’t realize how attached you are until you can no longer be attached. Now I am beginning to think that when I cried when my mouse died it was actually because I loved him. I just feel so stupid, why didn’t I sit outside with him and bring him back in with me? Why did I think it was okay to just let him loose in the backyard? He’s still too little, hasn’t walked his way around the neighborhood…at all, so how can he find his way home?
I remember when my friend from high school was very upset because she had to get rid of her dog and all I could think was that it was a blessing in disguise. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for her to get rid of the dog or why she was so attached to him. I was such a jerk.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes before but this is probably one of the biggest ones I’ve ever made, carrying regret equal to it in weight. Part of me feels like I’ve lost him forever and there’s a very small fraction that holds hope that he’s going to just show up at the front door, chaperoned or not, just scratch at the front door, I’ll open and he’ll come in and everything will be back to the way that it used to be, only I won’t be so stupid and careless this time. But I’ve always been a person who has squashed out my own hope because things hurt worse if hope accompanied them and they turned out to be fruitless. I’m trying to have hope though, belief that I will get to see my dog again, because part of me can’t believe that God would let me stay like this, doesn’t want to believe that he will. There’s another part of me that feels like if I don’t prove to God that I believe he can return my dog then he won’t, and I’m not that strong. I’ve always been a doubter I want to believe that no matter what my dog will come back in a week’s time, I want to prove that I knew God would do it. I don’t know how to let go of doubt and just believe.
Only God really knew how lonely I’ve been and I don’t want to think that He could let me go back to that. It’s stupid, I know, crying about a dog, but I can’t help it. I prayed a lot last night, begging, pleading, and waiting for some kind of answer or peace. But I don’t know if I can recognize peace or an answer. I finally e-mailed my sister this morning to let her know, I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that I could put that off as long as possible and that maybe the dog would return and I would never have to mention it to her. But I told the Lord last night that I figured he wanted me to tell her, and he probably wouldn’t return the dog until I did. I promised that even if the dog returned I would tell her, so I had to write a very difficult e-mail to her. I wish I could have tagged on at the end that the dog was safely home, just given a bath and sleeping next to me while I wrote…but I wasn’t able to do that.
In the meantime, I haven’t told many other people, my roommates may have, but I don’t like to tell people when things are wrong. I need them to not know that anything is wrong because then they can be my escape, they can help me forget, and they aren’t even trying to do that. They are just acting normal, and they help me feel normal. This is part of why I didn’t want to tell my sister about all of this; Because now I don’t know when I’m allowed to just be normal around her. Not that I just want to forget all of this, but sometimes I do. I like to be an emotional wreck in the privacy of my own room, and then to everyone else seem like nothing is wrong; but when they know something is wrong then I feel like I have to bring that private sadness to the public view, and I’m not a performer nor do I want to feel like one.
Is it odd that I feel like life is falling apart? I’m sure it doesn’t all have to do with the dog but I feel like there’s something more than just the dog missing. Maybe the dog is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m going to find myself slowing sinking in the middle of nowhere not knowing what to do.
I want to be alone, and yet I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t know how anyone could understand that right now but it’s how I feel. I came home last night to an empty house and I stayed in my car just crying. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to see anyone, but I didn’t want to be in the house alone.

Chapter 35: Spandex?

I’m not really in the mood to write today. But I feel a strange obligation to do so. Probably because Diva reads this now and she thinks that it’s time for more. More of what? What is it that is so fantastic about all of this? I think it’s more entertaining to the people who are living with the same characters that I am writing about. She is probably more entertained by Brutally Honest 2, as Sweet Pea is probably more entertained by the first one.
The problem with this entire thing is that the entire time I have actually been trying to be a better person and I think that when you reread everything that has been written you can tell that I have made some improvements. The downside to improving and becoming a better person is that you are likely to remove a lot of drama from your life, my life minus drama means that I just can’t be as interesting. I thrive on over-exaggerating the drama that lays within the threads of my discorded life.
You know, I think I need a new nemesis. Without a nemesis there is no hero. It’s not enough for a superhero to have cool powers without anyone to use them against. If all the superhero’s friends are in eminent danger of getting a paper cut at work, a fender bender on a crowded street, or their heart broken then there really isn’t much holding the interest of the readers. Would Spiderman have been as cool without Doc. Oct or Venom? Would Superman been as cool without Lex Luther and Kryptonite? No, they’d just be reduced to grown men wearing red and blue spandex. Sure they could fly or “web”, but why would anyone care beyond the initial jealousy that one feels every time they realize that they are genetically declined the ability to be uniquely endowed.
Without a nemesis what am I beyond a rambling, incoherent, individual with a computer and plenty of time to spare, not to mention some killer typing skills which helps me to write more in less time, even when I didn’t think I had much to say in the first place. Why is it that when I feel forced I can just write and write and write but have no idea what I am saying. Superheroes? I mean seriously, where did that come from? It’s true, but where did it come from?

Chapter 34: Different Dimensions

So...I went to my first concert tonight, it happened to be Weird Al at Innsbrook after hours, but it was a concert nonetheless. I'm not quite sure how to describe the experience. I'm not sure what is typical for a concert and what was probably special for this kind of concert.
I guess the only way to really begin is to just jump right in. If you've ever had the feeling of changing dimensions suddenly then you'll kind of know what it was like for me, tonight. However, the likelihood that you know what I am talking about when I say changing dimensions is slim to none unless you ever watched the show Sliders. It all started in line. I guess I actually knew before it all started a little of how it would all be, but I somehow suppressed it and still found myself surprised once I was in the mist of it all. To begin there seems to be a theme amongst the fan of Weird Al and the only way I can even really begin to describe it is, White and Nerdy. For anyone familiar with Weird Al they realize right there I have used a song title. And in that respect I've got to give Weird Al a hand, he knows his demographics. It only leaves the question, which came first, Weird Al or the White and Nerdy's? Did he create them or did they create him? Not too sure. Of course there were the exceptions, not all fans there tonight where White and Nerdy, there was the group of closely knit goth kids who I swore would start a mosh pit but never did, some Asians and a black guy. That's right..."a" black guy. Just one. There were a whole lot of kids though, which means he has parental approval...or that his audience consisted mostly of white trash folk, the kind who would take their children to the bar in their PJs so they can still have a beer or two with some friends. Did I mention the girl wearing the cat ears? Yeah, jury's still out on that one. Don't worry, I took lots of pictures, however, it's all a matter of if I can get them on the blog...we'll see. I got a picture of a kid, whom I'll call Christopher Robins, as he scooped up water from a giant puddle with his mom's umbrella...she seemed pretty pissed about it. We had a security guard frisk our camping chairs, I don't even want to get into what his emotional problems may be. Randomly a collection of children grew to the side of the line. I'm not sure how many of these children actually knew each other, but it's odd how children do that. Adults don't do that, they don't say, "Hey, looks like someone my age let's see if they want to play." But children will gather in any groups, wherever and whenever they can...I wonder what makes them do that? Do you think it's because they are all shorter?
We (my roommate, Diva went too :) finally got our seats and sat down to enjoy the festivities. Long before the performance began a man with long brown hair and wearing a white shirt was getting escorted out by a police officer! Who was met by another police officer and together they took this man by one arm behind his back presumably out of the concert. The concert hadn't even started and things were already getting heated up! I could tell that there was going to be trouble with such a large group of disgruntled Weird Al fans who were told that the gates would open at 6 but didn't actually open until 7 and the show which was supposed to start at 7 hadn't yet started by 7:30.
In the meantime I drank in my surroundings. We had people sporting the "White and Nerdy" sweatshirts, a woman who was putting on lipstick, I could only assume in preparation for seeing Weird Al, because let's face it, we all want to look good for him in case we get the chance to kiss him. Then her boyfriend/husband came over and she helped him fix his handlebar mustache. Then there was a kid who couldn't have been more then 10 but I've been wrong before sporting his cell phone (look for upcoming blog entitled "The deterioration of the moral fibers of our society"). There was even a guy who wore a shirt openly admitting that he lived with zombies. Not quite sure what that means or how deep that is supposed to be. But maybe he feels that his roommates can't think for themselves and they are just the zombies of society, buying what they are told to buy, liking what they are told to like...I know, I know I'm giving the shirt too much credit.
We got to sit in front of a group of teenagers (I think they were teenagers) who almost peed their pants when the accordion was brought on to the stage. The people at the concert seemed to idolize Weird Al...which to me is just a foreign concept. Yes, I'll admit the guy has some talent, you ever hear how fast he can talk? But this is just creepy.
Once the music started it really got interesting. We had Hot Pants, sporting some hot pink shorts and some amazing hips who I could easily picture being one of those individuals who sways like crazy even if it's just a slow song. She would get those hips going without thinking about her surroundings and when she bumped into a chair she would turn around with a pissed off look on her face, but that didn't last long as she realized that she was the only one involved in the confrontation. She really got into though, several times I looked to her for the entertainment instead of the stage.
It really came full circle when he sang a song about Star Wars and I looked around at the group and realized, yes, this would probably be the same group. Trekies and Star Wars wanna-bes. It's okay to want to be a Jedi...when you're 6, but pretty much, anything beyond 12 years old should have probably moved on from that and made the connection that being a Jedi is just not a career option. It was just...another dimension, I really can't think of any other way to put it. As he sang his parodies and I watched an older couple in front of me sing along to a song that was a parody of a Rage Against the Machine song, I thought to myself that Weird Al is their connection to real music...without the burden of being too cool. Would these people ever listen to a Rage Against the Machine song? Probably not, even though it's the same tune and same tone, just different subject matter.
You want to know what else? There's something odd about older people dancing. It's like a really bad car accident, you've got to slow down and watch. I don't know if it is honestly because they can't dance or if it's just because we don't expect them to. Have they lost their rhythm? Has anyone ever seen an older person break into dance moves and think, "Wow, they've really got it!"? And I don't mean people you're used to seeing that way. It doesn't count if it's one of the Rolling Stones or someone whom you'd expect that kind of dancing from.
At one point in the concert I see the arrested man make is grand return. It wasn't so grand, he just walked past and seemed to go back to his original group...but did he sneak back in? He was hard core, so were the goth/emo/something kids, who at one point got so excited they were all holdings hands...at least that's how I remember it. Oh and the glow sticks! They threw up their arms on more then one occasion with the glow sticks and swayed them back and forth. But I got to hear "Amish Paradise", "White and Nerdy", "Eat It", and "Fat"...it would have been complete with "Oreo"...but oh well, we 80's children can't have it all you know!!
All in all this was better then the late night Denny trips to Idaho Falls, and that's a hard thing to top.

Chapter 33: Public Enemy

So Non-friend and I had our first fight. We’ve known each other for at least 7 years and we had our first fight today. I’m not good with fights; it stems from my bad communication skills. The only way I know how to fight can be pretty dirty and usually is very damaging to the relationship. I either say something I’ll regret, or they say something that they should/will regret because I’ll go to ignore mode. Either way I have a very hard time letting fights go. Non-friend seemed fine when I first saw him today and then not long after I was up in the break room with him and I was telling him how I locked myself out of my office. I went and finally got it unlocked and went back to sit with him. He was reading the paper so I picked up the Classifieds and looked at some of the cars. I don’t think I did anything out of the ordinary, and I can’t place where I pissed him off, but he was being incredibly rude today. He said that I was aggravating him (which to me is a pretty strong word, you only say that when you’re really upset with someone) and then he got up to throw something away and asked if I was going to cry. (Not in a, “Wow, I think I’m being an ass, did what I say come across rude, I’m sorry” way, but in a, “I’m being an ass today, and this is just the beginning” way.) I told him ‘no’ but then I felt like maybe the desired effect was to have me cry. I forget the sequence of events but I finally just ended up getting up out of my seat and telling him that I was leaving and I would see him later as I walked away.
What did I do to him? The worst part would be my original thoughts of what to say to him next time I see him. If he should try to apologize I feel like just shrugging it off and asking him, “Why bother?” since according to him we were never really friends to begin with. I mean, why try so hard to maintain something that doesn’t even exist? The other part of me feels like he needs to apologize, and if he doesn’t then I just ignore and avoid. It’s easy enough to do. And it’s probably what I will do since I have a pretty good feeling he won’t apologize. It just makes me angry because no matter if it was me or if it was something else bothering him he shouldn’t be handling it this way. If it’s something else he shouldn’t be taking it out on me like that, and since we aren’t friends I don’t have to take that crap. If it’s something I did to him then he needs to learn to just tell me.
I’m just trying really hard lately to have a good attitude about things, about my whole life right now. I’m doing pretty good most of the time but every once in a while someone comes along and just puts a big dent in it, and to be honest it’s mostly coming from this store. Sometimes I think maybe it’s time to look for a new job.
I think I made my manager nervous last night because I was saying how I’m taking a class this summer and also when she was talking about contracts for teachers and how some of them make you stay on for 4 years sometimes, I said that I didn’t like contracts because I don’t like to make long term commitment. I didn’t say it with the intent for her to read into it and worry about if I’m looking for another job or not, but in a way it’s a good thing that she knows it could be coming. I was hoping to do it when the kid who took my place as a part-timer got trained, but he came with an expiration date so that’s a no go. It’s coming though because to be honest, I’d rather be in an office during the summer, getting my 8 hours everyday, whether or not I have something productive to do. I don’t want to have to account for every single minute. I’d rather just be on the clock and have the clock say whether or not I worked eight hours. I also am kind of tired with the people that I have to be around, and the fight with Non-friend didn’t help to make me feel anymore comfortable at that store.
Sometimes I just wish that I were a teenager again. There were a lot less problems then; it just didn’t seem that way to me at the time. Life was definitely different back then, I can’t say if it was better or not, just different.
I think I need to go make a visit to my happy place.

Chapter 32: Well That's Not Going To Hold Up In Court

So I have this thing apparently with 17 year olds. We were hitting 50% as of December. There was one 17 year old in love with me and I was in love with a different 17 year old. I know I have problems. I don’t really want to bother with how this shouldn’t even be happening. I just want to get on with my story.
Now, at my new store there is this kid, I remember him from before I started working there. I had helped out training there one day and all I remembered about him was that he had the nicest eyes I had ever seen! So when I started working there it wasn’t hard to remember that I had seen him before. Of course, trying to rid myself of bad karma I didn’t really bother trying to get to know him, because when a guy has the prettiest eyes you’ve ever seen you’re bound to want to just look at them all the time. But he slowly got to know me. He would say something to me here or there when we ran into each other in the store. I think I got the stamp of approval one night we he said something about shooting himself because he was so bored and I told him to wait until he got home so we wouldn’t have to clean up the mess. Apparently my sick humor attracts some people. I may have made a mistake a couple of weeks ago. I gave him a gold star (they are pins that we get for doing something good and he had brought a trainee upstairs for me so I wouldn’t have to). I gave him a little too much attention with that I suppose. Then he starts coming over to me and “bumping” into me. Let me just put a disclaimer that I’m not good at flirting and I’m not good at telling when people are flirting with me. But I can tell that this is kid is a flirtatious little twerp. He has a strange way of making me feel a little uncomfortable and a little flattered at the same time. He’s the kind of kid that a married woman would have an affair with. It’s supposed to be a compliment but I realize that it probably doesn’t come out that way. He just makes me think of characters in books that have had affairs with older women. He’s just that kind of charmer I suppose, and to be honest, I almost feel like the married woman in the stories. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s just that I feel like maybe I like him and I know that I shouldn’t, and I also feel like he knows that I like him. Which is exactly how it is in any story where a woman has an affair with a younger man; the worst thing is when they realize that the woman likes them.
I can’t go to straight ignore so that I don’t bother myself with this kid, I was never good at going to straight ignore mode when someone didn’t do something to piss me off. I just have to be careful what I say and do to this kid and I have to resist the urge to flirt back when he flirts with me and then maybe one day either he or I will quit and that will be that. I will keep you abreast of any further developments.