Chapter 40: New Beginnings

So, it’s official, I don’t believe that my dog is ever coming back. Today while cleaning up my room I finished packing up his stuff and I’m not sure what to do with it all. Right now it’s sitting in the laundry room next to my other failed attempt to have a pet, the remains of what my mouse used to live in. I’m hesitant to throw the dog food away, so right now it’s just sitting there. But it’s out of my bedroom and that’s half the battle. I don’t know why I’m saving the stuff; in all honesty I don’t believe that I will ever get another dog. I wasn’t really a dog person to begin with, maybe I’m just not supposed to have pets, period, all I do is lose them and kill them.
So my sister is finally getting married and I know that I need to ask off for the wedding and the bridal shower (mostly because it is up to me being the only sister within a 4 hour drive to throw the bridal shower) but I keep thinking that I won’t be at that job by that point, and I’ll have my Saturdays off with my new job. But I haven’t applied for any jobs, so why do I keep thinking it’ll be that way? I need to e-mail the human resources department for the city and the county and see what I need to do to start teaching but in all honesty I’m scared to death that they’ll let me start right away and I don’t feel qualified to be teaching just yet, but it is something that I want to do, and I know that I don’t want to keep the job that I currently have, even though I love it most days. I love the training, I hate coming up with things to do and I still hate the random schedule (real surprise there). I don’t think I should feel bad about looking for a new job, how long did they really expect me to keep this one? It’s certainly not a career for me, just a job. Teaching, if I do succeed and like it, will be a career. I also shouldn’t feel bad because one of the other trainer’s was telling me how he’s been looking for a new job (not TDH, I think TDH will always be a trainer). It’s just who he is.
But I need to just swallow my fear and apply to the job. I think I would be happier. And you know what? I know it sounds bad but I would have my summers off. What would I like to do with those summers? I would like to go live in some small Podunk town and learn all about the people and write a book about my experiences. I really want to write a book and it occurred to me this weekend (and actually always has been at the back of my mind) that I have no talent for fiction. So maybe non-fiction is my best bet. Even if I can’t actually write a book how would it be to just experience the other side for once? I grew up middle class suburbia, even when we were poor I didn’t know about it, and since then I can pretty much have whatever I want/need. I’m not trying hard to make ends meet, and I lack the ability to be purely interesting. My dad never had a drug addiction, my mom didn’t stay Catholic so there goes any hope of an interesting childhood, and I’ve never really been the rebellious type. I truly believe the principles that keep me grounded so there’s no way I’m going to experiment with anything, I don’t even watch ‘R’ rated movies, because they are “R” for a reason, language or soft porn (let’s face it, that’s what it is now). I just want to see how it really is because you can’t always trust the movies to tell you what life’s like. I think Disney taught us all about distrust when it comes to movies telling you how real life should operate. I just want to be interesting or at least be able to say that I tried.