Chapter 37: Back to Screwed Up

I’m trying to resist the urge to move. Nothing is going on with the roommates or anything. Nothing’s wrong in that respect. But I just feel like it’s time to move on. I’m hoping that this feeling is just a need to get away for a while and I’m leaving next week to go on vacation for a week and hopefully that’s the only break I need.
I saw a moving van today; people outside packing up the last things of the house and you could look into the windows and see that there is nothing left in there. I felt like I could smell it, you know that smell of an empty house? Well, maybe it doesn’t smell like an empty house, but the smell I had in mind was the apartments we lived in and you do a complete scrub down before you move out. It was a mix of fresh spring air and cleaning supplies. Something about it was nice. In an empty house your footsteps echo as you walk around to collect the last items to put in the van, walk through one more time to soak in old memories and to give a last goodbye to a place that more than likely left you with many good memories. And to know that you will never return to that house, at least, not to live in, and not as the same person as you were. Maybe people leave because they don’t feel like they are the same people that they used to be; maybe they leave because they have changed and now they feel they need to change where they live.
I don’t know, all I could think was that it must be so nice to be moving. I know that I hate the whole not being settled part, but you’ve got to admit that there is a certain appeal to starting over. Coming into a bare house and making it yours and it will actually be clean for at least the first day after you’re completely settled in. I guess I’ve gotten into the habit of moving from so many years in school, having to move all the time and personally, even though I hated it part of me really liked it. I love “setting up”. Sometimes I rearrange my room to simulate the feeling of moving, but it’s not always the same and honestly, I don’t think it’s going to cover the bill this time.
At first I thought the reason I wanted to get away was because I lost my dog, I just wanted to move and forget I ever even had a dog. That may sound harsh, but maybe I deal with things differently than other people. I just, didn’t want to be here. I still don’t want to be here, I don’t really like hanging out in the house, mostly because no one is ever here. I used to love not having anyone home, now I can’t stand it. I don’t like this house like I used to. I’ve been thinking that I don’t have to leave Richmond, maybe find an apartment somewhere…I’d just have to find a roommate because I can’t afford to live in Richmond by myself. Unless I go ahead and change jobs too, there are plenty of jobs that have requirements that I fit that pay better then this…at least I think there are. The only problem would be in getting one of them.
I just don’t think I’m happy, and I know happiness is a long shot in everyday life and “content“ is probably what I should be settling for, but I don’t even feel that most times. Like I said before, hopefully this can be fixed with a vacation, if not, I’ll let you know.