Chapter 39: Secret Talents

I’m wondering two things right now, the first being why am I about the cry? The second, why is it the beginning of summer and I am freezing? Being a woman can be difficult, we don’t know why the hell we do some of the things that we do.
TDH told me tonight how he used to write for his school newspaper and he gave me the web address to read some of the articles that he wrote. I was reading the first one and it was absolutely fantastic. It was funny and it brought up issues that I have brought up before and I seriously loved it. A very good start to reading some of his “work”, however, it left me misty eyed. I don’t understand it wasn’t sad. A woman’s sadness can hit at any time under any disguise. She could be laughing and suddenly the weight that she has been secretly carrying is jarred loose and come tumbling down over her face. I suppose this kind of thing doesn’t happen to those who openly wear their sadness (like the self pitomizers do), but for people who’d prefer to not let on that they are sad it could attack at any moment. Yeah, I still miss my dog; when I drove up to the driveway the other night after having been out of town for almost a week, sadness swept over me. My dog is gone. I got over it and came into the house. Maybe everything that builds up can secretly come out when you think nothing’s wrong, because you’ve convinced yourself that nothing is wrong. But slapping on a smile when you don’t want to is kind of like sticking a band aid over a gash, you can try to convince yourself that it will do the trick, but the band aid and the gash prove inadequate companions. Wow, digression at it’s finest.
Then I went to go get something to eat because I haven’t eaten all that much today. I sit back down to read some more articles and I’m seriously shivering. I have a hoodie on in June…in Virginia and my teeth are still chattering. But seriously, back to the articles from TDH, I think I may have just slipped into love with him. I say slip because “slip” seems less painful than falling, and is a whole lot easier to recover from. Today I had every intention of not looking at him the way I usually look at him, of not seeing him as a potential because he’s not a potential. I tried my darnedest to just see him as a coworker. Somehow when you make up your mind that something in particular is not something you want it gets easier to show that you want it. Does that make sense? It’s crystal clear to me. When I want something, in particular a boy, it becomes very difficult for me to express myself around that individual. It’s hard for me to be myself. I didn’t really have a hard time being myself around TDH, I think I brought my A-game in the wit department; and I can eat peanut butter crackers in front of him (that’s saying a lot, how many people would you chance eating peanut butter crackers in front of?) My difficulty came in showing I was interested. Sure, I stared too long, I smiled too often, but I always kept a certain physical distance. I’ve never been a good contact flirter.
To speak in all honesty I think tonight is the most physical contact I’ve had with TDH. Even though at times he seemed a bit much with the cocky persona, I simply attributed that to the fact that he lost a very important notebook and this is what he has to do to keep from crying. At one point I told him that he didn’t take compliments well, he let them all go straight to his head. At the end of the night we were trying to figure out someone’s voicemail. She’s a part-time trainer who usually works all by herself in Williamsburg but she’s in town helping us out because we are down a trainer due to a new store opening. I was doing pretty good getting everyone else’s voicemail numbers, the other two trainers I got on the first attempt. But this one was proving difficult. TDH thought he would help by calling out all possible four digit numbers that could lead us to the right inbox. He said 3-0-4-8 and I obediently dialed only to hear my own voice on the other end. I looked up at him and backhanded him in the stomach telling him it was mine. I’ve never play hit him before and tonight I did at least twice. I don’t think I’ve non-play hit him either, but you know what I mean, the elementary school level of flirting. Hit the one you like.
Then we were leaving a note for our manager on her desk and she has a Dilbert day planner (yes please). I love Dilbert so I started to read the cartoon it was open to. I was cracking up before I could even finish, it was probably one of the best ones. This unknown character was talking to someone during an interview for a managerial position and he just kept talking about how he loves to talk and how his ideal job would be one where people where forced to listen to him and just smile and nod. TDH wanted to know what was so funny and I told him I was reading the cartoons and then I said, “This one makes me think of you” so I hand the book over and point to the square where the guy said the thing about smiling and nodding and TDH read it and then laughed and said, “Yes, that’s me”. I know.
Later he had me edit his e-mail and there was a point when I was trying to figure out what tense the word he had should be used and my finger was up, kind of pointing to the words in the sentence as though it were suspended in air as I thought and he said, “oh no,” and started to laugh, I asked him what that was about and he said, “you’re dialing your imaginary phone again, something’s wrong.”
Anyway, when we left the building for the night I walked him to his car as usual, just kidding, but he was parked closest so I did walk him to his car, but this is the first time. We don’t usually talk personally on the way to the cars. We talk about a crazy trainee or what the rest of our week looks like or something like that. Instead I found myself listening to a crazy story about bad bacon, his dog, and a swarm of army flies. It was pretty entertaining, of course after having read his articles I think he was preparing me for his desire to over exaggerate things…sounds like someone I know. Then he starts talking about his notebook and how it had to be in his car because why would he take that into his house and not his other notebook. He starts digging in and I was going to just walk to my car but I asked if he wanted help and he accepted the offer. So I set my stuff on the trunk of his car and climbed into his car looking for his notebook. I didn’t think it would be hard until I entered the landfill, err, I mean, front seat of his car. My first response was that I thought my car was dirty. I was beginning to wonder if he actually lived in a house or if he lived in his car. I also asked him if he had a plastic bag and suddenly my main concern seemed to become more environmental rather than helping him find his notebook. Maybe he wouldn’t lose so many things if he didn’t hang on to every fast food wrapper he’s ever received. I had no idea how I could seriously help him find his notebook in that car since I feared really digging in. I finally just gave up and gathered my stuff and told him I would see him later. As I walked away I told him good luck and warned him not to get hepatitis while in pursuit of the missing notebook.