Chapter 61: SPMS

I don’t know if I’ve wrapped my mind so much up in a fictional story of a life more exciting and at the same time more devastating than my own, that when I return to reality I’m disappointed, or if it’s the fact that maybe I was upset before I started reading, and all week I have been avoiding reality by reading this fictional story. I’m almost done with the second book in a series of three, and I just started the first one on Tuesday and here, Saturday, I’m pretty certain I’ll be ready to start the third before I go to bed tonight.
Today started out rough, I didn’t go to bed until about 4:30 last night, only to wake up early this morning, 7:30ish or 8:00ish. I had made tentative plans with Diva and New Roommate (who will probably get a nickname later) to go and look at a house for rent at 9:00 AM. Last night when I left Ducky’s I told her that they would probably flake out on me. I didn’t mean it to be offensive; I simply knew how things would turn out. Ducky said that we would do something afterwards, just something stupid I had wanted to do, and I didn’t let her know, but I was thinking to myself that she would flake out as well. People have become so easily predictable lately. Needless to say, none of those plans materialized and I went to hang out at my parent’s house; for some reason I regretted it the moment I got there. No one was there, I could have turned around and gone back home and no one would have been the wiser, but I figured that the bad feeling would go away soon enough. I sat in the driveway reading and not much later my mom pulled into the driveway.
Almost instantly she was on my nerves. I don’t recall what was said, probably nothing out of the ordinary, but I was irritated by all the questions. I just wanted to read my flipping book, was that so much to ask? She never talked to me before, why was today so different? Then she asked if I wanted lunch, telling me the variety of options that I had. I told her I wasn’t hungry, even though my head hurt with it. Finally I realized that she was trying to get me to eat lunch with her, so I asked her if she was hungry and she said she was getting there. So I put my bookmark in and got up and we made sandwiches and ate together. As usual I was the one talking and she finished her sandwich before I was half way through with mine. When my dad came down to eat she asked him what he wanted for dinner and then she asked me if I was going to be joining them, I told them I already had plans for that evening and had to be home by 6. My mom asked me what my plans were and I couldn’t come up with a lie fast enough, and she guessed the plans were with a boy. Then more questions started and she wanted to know all about him, I told her that he was new, and that’s probably the only reason he bothered asking me to go with him to this party (it’s not a date, it’s just a carpool) and she continued asking questions and I continued to answer with “I don’t know”. It was annoying. So then my mom says, “Well you’ll need to find these things out” I told her there was no need, this wasn’t going anywhere. She chuckled and said, “famous last words.” Sometimes I think my mom wouldn’t care if I married a bull frog or person, as long as she had a son-in-law, which is one of the only reasons I still stand opposed to arranged marriages. I had already told her earlier that day when she was congratulating me on my job and telling my dad that they had a successful college graduate in their family room that I was successful and I didn’t need a man, it was supposed to sound like a joke or like the movie I probably originally heard it from, but my mom only got worried, “Oh yes you do,” she protested. It maybe true for the lonely nights but not for the heartache and aggravation that boys tend to be in full stock of. I rolled my eyes as usual, yeah, but I didn’t need one to survive.
I think my mom lives vicariously through me. She wants me to become a Human Resources Professional, so that I can have three little letters at the end of my name…my title. She gets so excited about these things, she wanted me to be a lawyer so she could brag about that, then she wanted me to get my MBS and now it’s so HRP….maybe those would be the initials I would get. I smiled to humor her but I really could care less. In fact today, I don’t care about anything at all.
Later I finally said that I was going to get going; every time that I mention that I am going to leave, that’s when my mom decides to become a conversationalist. This time she decided to show me the difference between business and business casual via the JCPenny catalog. She kept saying, “This is what business casual looks like,” to which I would reply for the 14th time today, “yeah, I don’t have a problem identifying business casual, it’s what we dress up like for corporate stuff at work.” I felt like my mind was trying to break out of my skull and a fluid stream of profanities coursed behind my eyes making them hurt so I leaned back and closed my eyes and concentrated on not yelling at my mom, especially with curse words. I finally took an opening, leaned in and gave her a hug and told her I would see her later.
I refuse to believe that all of my hostility has to do with me PMS-ing…but it’s the only thing to explain away the uncontrollable anger that I feel right now. I am angry at everyone, I discriminate against no one, everyone is currently on my bad list and everyone is foreshadowed with failure. All it will take is for someone to do exactly as I thought they would, and then I will have all the reason I need to hate them right now, to want to throw something at them.
Speaking of which, as I wrote one particular gentleman tried to start a conversation with me via the internet. The conversations are always futile and short lived and the bane of my existence. I have dreaded them the past couple of weeks, and I feel that it may be due to the feeling that he always starts something he can’t follow through, such as beginning a conversation and being unable to sustain it. Today was not the day to try and do that. As I wrote here, and wrote him back I would take breaks and throw a shoe at wall, a couple of times; I just threw it as hard as I could. I’m really pissed off, I can’t explain it and every time that Asshole (that’s right, I tried to come up with a good literary name, or something that reflects his personality and sadly, all I could scrounge up was Asshole…therefore from this time forth he shall be known) talks to me he pisses me off even more. Why does he make me so angry? I don’t know, but all I know is I can’t stand how he pumps you for information and who knows why he does that, but he’s just an information whore and I’m sick and tired of feeding his lame ass! I’m sick and tired of him!! I don’t care if I hurt his feelings by not responding back. He is making me uncontrollably angry and I’m having a hard time not screaming each time I throw the shoe at the wall or the ground. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?! My only sick satisfaction is that I was able to elude answering one question, and even though it’s not a big deal if he has the answer there is victory in the fact that he does not.
Is it all my hormones hanging around the rage pole rather than the emotionally drained and crying in the corner pole? Why can’t I just be balanced? The worst part is in less than an hour Mr. Collins will be arriving to take me to the ball at Netherfield Park (a 40-or so minutes drive) and I feel I will be Elizabeth Bennett at least one more time as I duck my head in shame for even having to be in the same room. I keep contemplating, thinking maybe if I call and say I’m sick my rage could pass for sickness. It just feels too much like high school prom, when I hoped that my date had stood me up, waiting here tonight, in my room typing, hoping that I don’t have to stop because Mr. Collins decided to go through with this, or didn’t even get lost on the way. Oh I hope he changes his mind or gets lost. Either way, Ducky is supposed to go to this party and she will be my way out, I won’t be feeling good and Ducky is leaving anyway, she lives closer to me, so she’ll take me home…I just hope it’s that easy, and I hope she doesn’t flake out again tonight, I might not be able to handle that one. I just hate life right now, and going to a party with Collins is not what is going to help me feel better.

Chapter 60: No Regrets

So today was also interesting. I tell you, you quit your job and all sorts of things start happening. The best thing, the topper for the day, my manager was in the hallway talking to me and she was standing next to a part of the wall that jutted out slightly. As she turned to leave she smacked right into the wall! Her water bottle fell to the floor and for a split second I wasn’t sure how to react. But as she peeled herself off of the wall she was laughing so I started to laugh too. I had tears in my eyes, it was the funniest thing ever and the look on her face when she turned around was priceless.
I worked with Twitch tonight. I told him about “Geek Fields” which I made up while talking to TDH as he went passionately on about the Bear and Bull Market and how great numbers are. His geek field is numbers, mine is administrative work, and after talking to Twitch tonight his would be anything to do with working out and counting protein. A geek field is commonly defined as a field of interest that makes you a little abnormal, sometimes weird to those around you, but it is also what adds character to you, even if those around you don’t appreciate it. Fortunately for these boys, I appreciate their geek fields, and TDH is just too darn cute when he talks about numbers, how could I not appreciate it?
I told Twitch as I told TDH the night before that I would never see them again because they were only interested in hanging out with me when they thought that I was engaged. Twitch laughed and explained that it was mostly because when they hang out they drink…so I see I’ll have to take matters into my own hands and force them to hang out with me.
On our break I received a phone call from the dreaded Mr. Collins. I really do feel like a Bennett girl, having extreme anxiety and trepidation when it comes to having to interact with Mr. Collins. The thing that bothers me the most is that I still can’t seem to shut-up around him and I’m worried he is taking it as interest. I need to get a muzzle for myself. I started to tell him about this book I was reading (I don’t remember what got me into that pickle) and it happens to be a book that involves a vampire and the main character falls in love with said vampire. But it’s not a typical vampire book and before I explained the book I adamantly stated that I was not normally into those kinds of books. Thus stating that I am not into vampires, heaven forbid I become even more interesting because I may be of Trekie material, which by the way I am not. Then he throws it out, I don’t know how it happened, I’m always getting hoodwinked by people. But he started to tell me about a party Saturday night and suddenly he asked if I wanted to ride with him to it and I hadn’t known about the party, I hadn’t been warned by Ducky or even Bull so I couldn’t say that I was already riding with someone else and then the idiotic ‘yes’ spit through my lips before I could stop it. Thus was the end of my happy days in the state of Virginia. When I hung up I complained to Twitch about it, why do I attract all the weird guys. Twitch and I were a back room talking and we ended up coming back to the trainees a little late, there were two trainees there that were desperate for dramatics and I think they thought Twitch and I were up to something since we were both late from break and we came in together. Twitch didn’t notice, which isn’t unusual, guys don’t notice when teenage girls act like that, or maybe he did notice and didn’t say anything for my sake. Heaven forbid we may have been doing something important and job related. I wonder if they had noticed the wedding ring on his finger and if so they insult my character, therefore I personally would have failed them, but that wasn’t any of my business. During the lab portion they kept looking at me when he would saw something to see my reaction. It was offensive.
Anyway, I made it through the day. It was actually a pretty good day and several people kept saying that I was going to miss this job. Which I am, a lot, a lot more than I want to.
Anyway, earlier that day I had e-mailed TDH to inform him that I had gotten a bunch of stuff from behind the register in the lab. He e-mailed me later and said, “Good job, but you’re still a loser and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” an insult which I sadly appreciated. It just shows he cares. Of all the things I think TDH is making it the hardest to leave, I didn’t expect quitting this job would hurt so much, but I suppose I was an idiot to think that I wasn’t attached to anyone here. I’m going to miss it, all of it.

Chapter 59: Unrequited Love

I got to work with TDH last night. I hadn’t done it in so long I almost forgot how much I enjoy it. As expected Twitch told him about me turning in my two weeks notice, so when I walked into the classroom TDH stuck out his finger and said, “You little punk.” I smiled a little because I can’t help but smile when I am looking at him and nodded a little, “Oh I see he told you,” then I looked around the room of seven trainees, our manager, and the new guy (who by the way I met the day before and then he came up and introduced himself to me again and I had to tell him we met, but I was in civilian clothes at the time), and told TDH that we would talk later.
His class was one of the worst ones I’ve been in the lab with (With the exception of Parsley, I don’t know if I ever mentioned her I’ll have to backtrack and find out). It wasn’t TDH it was his trainees. They were annoying the bee gee bees out of me, and they were doing the same to TDH. All I could hope and pray was that the evening class would be better. I kept giving TDH sympathetic looks when I wasn’t laughing too much to even look at him. I suppose I could have helped him a little more in taking control of the group in the lab, but hey, I’m quitting.
We weren’t able to talk during the break because our manager had him working with the new guy the whole time. I was a bit peeved, but I knew I got to work the rest of the night with only TDH and we always have next Tuesday before I officially leave. I started my class, not off to a rough start but it didn’t take long until I located some problem trainees. It all started when they saw that we don’t accept Cashier’s checks and Money Orders. Luckily I had a banker in the room and she explained away why before I even had a chance to, I was really very grateful for that.
During break TDH was talking to me about his résumé and said, “Where’s yours I want to see.” I just gave him a funny look and told him I didn’t have it with me. He asked why not and I told him because first I wasn’t applying for anything within the company so why would I have it with my work stuff, and secondly I didn’t have it in my “little man thing” I said as I pointed to his little briefcase/folder thingy.
Time finally came to go to the lab, and it was organized at first and then all mayhem broke lose. It was like we had two separate classes going on, I was teaching in the front and TDH is the back. At one point he came up to me and quietly said that this class was out of control, he had a smile on his face, and I simply said that I knew. I wasn’t going to try to bring it back to order. He didn’t really seem to mind and it wasn’t an accusation, just an observation. So we continued the way that we did, but I don’t think he or I will make that same mistake again…granted I only teach one more time (today). There was one lady in the class who rubbed us both the wrong way, and she wasn’t doing anything on register. Some people had to pair up, and she did, but then made her partner do everything. So I walked up and asked them if they are switching it up so both got experience and she said something like, “well, I’m not sure if I am going to stick with this.” My initial reaction was relief, “Oh good, then just make this easier on us and quit,” I thought to myself. I also thought, “Regardless, if you want it to still be your choice you need to get your ass on the register and show us that you can actually operate it, or then the decision making isn’t going to involve you anymore, you’ll just fail”. Luckily TDH stepped in and had a chat with her and pretty much tried to talk her into leaving too, but she’s a money sucker I think and was trying to drag training out to the bitter end. Secretly I sat at the front of the room hoping she would fail the test, and wondering if I should fail her for bad attitude irregardless, because she did not give me the respect that I as her trainer deserved and because of that I wanted to show her what kind of power I possessed.
At the end of class TDH was making everyone pack up the fake groceries into the Tupperware containers and he told them that sometimes you can’t fit the salads into the containers and I told everyone that I could do it. Just to be a bit prideful and TDH nodded and said, “Yes, that’s your one strong point.” I frowned and asked if I really only had one strong point.
After class was done and everyone was gone TDH and I talked about this woman and how she rubbed us the wrong way. He finally got to tell me what he was talking to her about (trying to get her to leave) but she said something like, “Well if you guys would just tell me right now” who knows what the hell that means. She’s a quitter; she proved that with her attitude, if she passes on to the store she’s likely to be gone by Christmas. She’s not a long term commitment individual, she’ll make one mistake and someone will point it out and she’ll complain about how hard it is (because this is her third job) to keep it separate from the other job and finally quit, wasting all the company’s training money. She just bugged me. Anyway, so TDH came in with a huge stack of papers and dropped them on a table and said, “Are you ready to begin your administrative work?” He also had two staplers in hand; I consider it our first date, just kidding! I laughed and told him I had some other things to do first (like finish up with the first task of putting everything away from class and doing the paper work for that). Then I asked if we were going to be getting out before 11 tonight. He just laughed, but I was half serious, somehow when we work together it takes forever for us to actually get out of there. I don’t mind, but if it were anyone else I’d be a little bit bugged. So we start walking to the back office and I take a shortcut through one of the rooms that connects the hallways and TDH says something about going through the gas chamber. I was intrigued so I asked him about it. He said that sometimes he liked to bring his trainees through that room and then close the door and say something about welcome to the gas chamber! I laughed a little but then I asked if he’d ever been to the holocaust museum and he said ‘no’ to which I started to tell him how I went there last week and it is super creepy, but my intention was to say that maybe he should so that he’d have a little more compassion for if any of his trainees were Jewish…but I forgot to mention that part and remembered about two hours later while I was talking to Ducky about something completely unrelated. Either way I’m sure bringing up the Holocaust Museum may have sparked something about decorum.
He asked me how many jobs I applied for and I told him only one. He seemed surprised and I said, “I hadn’t really been looking” and he asked where I heard about it and I told him the newspaper and he said, “How did you find a job in the newspaper if you weren’t looking?” and I said, “My mom, she’s never been all too happy with my career choice, so every once in a while she tells me about jobs she sees.”
We finished up our paper work and he was telling me how he applied for another position within the company and how he had gone to our manager to help because out of all the people he lived with he was the one who knew the most about résumés and cover letters and I told him that it wasn’t good to be the smartest person in the house, he had no where to go but down. He laughed, but then went on to tell me that our manager didn’t have a problem with his résumé but fixed up his cover letter. He showed me both and I had to agree that our manager helped that little piece of paper out a lot. I sat there and said, “its good she humbled you, you need to be humbled sometimes.”
He also told me how he had written her a ‘thank you’ note for helping him and he was going to put it on her desk but he said he was afraid to leave it there because she might panic and think it was his two weeks. Before he left to go put it there I told him he should put a post-it note on it saying, “This is not my two weeks notice” he laughed and started to walk away and then he came back laughing and said that he thought he was going to do that. I hope he did, if everyone in the office can just make jokes about me quitting I’d be much happier.
Then it was time to get working on stapling the tests that TDH had made copies of. I started out with one stapler but it didn’t work too well, it would either get stuck and I’d have to fight with it a little or it would put double staples in. TDH said that his was working fine so I grabbed his and gave him mine and started to staple again. That’s when I decided that both staplers sucked and it wouldn’t hurt the company to invest in some good ones. My new stapler jammed and I was opening it to fix it and TDH was opening his to give me staples because he though I ran out. I told him it was just jammed, but sarcastically added that his action was so sweet. At one point he mentioned that the room was really bright that morning, I look around the windowless room and then up at the florescent lights kind of confused and then I said, “Why, because you had a hangover?” He just laughed a little which gave me my answer.
When we were done with that he mentioned that he had to write his store visits e-mail. I asked him if he wanted me to type it for him, which I was sure that he did and that’s why he mentioned it. I told him it would help him to go faster. So we sat down and I signed on to the computer and then started to log him into his e-mail and scooted the keyboard over for him to enter his password, which, I didn’t seem uncomfortable in watching what it was. Then I made a remark about how his password was just slightly different than mine (because he showed me a good way to do the passwords because we always have to change them and run out of ideas) and I said, “I wonder where I go that from? Then we started on the e-mail and he had trouble finding his words at first and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this would go faster this way, apparently it’s more than just your typing.” On more than one occasion I mentioned that I should be nicer. I can’t help it; he just brings it out of me. I kept typing exactly what he was saying so when he looked up he just laughed, the e-mail was full of ‘ums’. I quickly erased it and we got started. At one point when he was breaking down his hours by the day he said, “.50 hours on administrative work, mainly e-mail.” To which I mumbled, “That’s believable” and he went into a whole diatribe about how he spells better when he types because his fingers find a rhythm. Then I laughed, “I wasn’t talking about your spelling.” It didn’t take him very long to realize I was calling him a slow typer. Then he defends himself with, “I can type about 45 words per minute,” and I couldn’t help but laugh (I can type between 70-80 words per minute). He got more defensive and said, “On a good day I can type around 50” So he must have felt challenged and told me to give him a sentence to write so I said, “The ubiquitous,” and he cut me off with a, “no! What!? Give me something I can spell!” To which I just shrugged my shoulders, after that I couldn’t think of anything, so I just talked and he typed….very slowly. He finally gave up and said he could type better if he knew what to type. He’s so cute.
We finally finish up and go back to get our stuff and its five after ten. I laughed and said, “Oh ten o’clock that’s not too bad,” but I was being sarcastic. Not that it matters, as I said before I don’t mind working late with him. We start walking out to our cars and we’re just making small talk, then we had to separate because we were parked on opposite ends of the parking lot and when he was far enough away where I couldn’t easily kick him or catch up to kick him he yelled, “You suck!” which wasn’t what I was expecting, maybe a, “have a good night” or a “see you next week”. So I just said thank you and told him that he sucked too. Have I ever mentioned that I’m in love with him?
So my recap for the day, even though the trainees were annoying, I had a really good day at work yesterday.

Chapter 58: Ramblings on Dating

Maybe I’m not Elizabeth Bennett, because when I think about it I have to wonder where my Mr. Darcy is. Maybe I’m Charlotte Lucas. I’m waiting for some attractive, endearingly shy, wealthy man to enter into my life and find himself uncontrollably attracted to me despite his better judgment, when really I should be thinking about what is reasonable, what catch could I actually get living in Richmond, VA. Charlotte knew her limitations; she knew that it wasn’t likely that she would marry for love. So the question is, do I die a spinster or do I make an attempt to find some ounce of happiness with someone who isn’t one I expect to find story book love with.
Jane Austin has disillusioned me, that sly dog. I didn’t fall for Disney’s fairytale endings, but Jane manipulated me, she made me think that there was a chance of happily ever after despite all the worldly handicaps that life endowed you with. That’s not how it goes though because people are merely humans, in a fallen state, and therefore their perceptions of each other are in a fallen state. There is a scarcity of people who can see the inner beauty and an even smaller amount of people who even bother trying. Men wait for airbrushed models to come walking into their lives one day, failing to understand that the model probably has no interest in them even if she did enter their lives through some delirious twist of fate, what makes them special enough to get her attention?
I’m not saying that guys are the only ones who fall subject to this delusion; women are just as much affected. We women fall in love with the idea of a man and his character, not always just his physical attributes, and adding in character makes it a little harder to compete with. Just watch any chick flick and find out for yourself, how does the man act? Do real men act with the same decorum as leading male characters from any given chick flick? My very own Mr. Darcy is simply proof that women fall for this too. There is no Mr. Darcy, and I’m pretty sure the reason is simply because “courting” is a lost art. Since it is lost I can not say with certainty what it involves, having no opportunity to see it myself. But I’ll go on some assumptions here, I assume that courting involves showing interest in only one girl at a time, how are you supposed to prove your interest if you are jumping around from girl to girl, she will think of herself as nothing more than a friend to you. The whole theory of not putting all your eggs in one basket was never intended for courting, and yet, that’s what men seem to do these days.
The girls who usually get the guy are the ones with enough courage and confidence to go after the guy, and sadly in the dating game it is the men who are supposed to be the hunters, not the hunted, but they seem okay with prancing in front of the hunters and seeing which one takes the first shot.
Again, I know nothing of what courtship really is because no one has been able to provide me with at least one experience of it. But it’s just a thought.

Chapter 57: Pathways

So I got a new job. Did I even mention here that I had applied for one? Well, I did and I wanted it, and I got the offer for it yesterday. So today I needed to turn in my two weeks notice. It was bittersweet, my excitement was tinged with remorse. I felt bad, certainly, I knew what my leaving in two weeks would do to my team members, they’d have to make up the difference of being a trainer short. I was scared to death how my manager would take it too, I was scared she’d get angry. So of course I prayed before I entered the office that she wouldn’t be angry and I came to find out that I fear more when someone is sad or disappointed, I think I’d rather deal with anger. I felt so bad, but at the same time I felt a huge release, as much as I actually did like the job it wore me down quickly and made me unhappier than I had realized. I just hope that this new job isn’t something that seems like a job I can and want to do and then turns out to be some horrible death trap, like in The Nanny Diaries. She thought her future employer was great in the interview process and thought that the job would be great and as it turned out her employer was a bitch and the kid was a brat. I hope that doesn’t happen at this job, I really did like the people I met and I find it difficult to fathom that the positive attitudes they had conveyed could all be false.
Anyway, back to the quitting the old job part, when I went in to see my manager I ran into one of the other trainers (who I don’t think has a nickname so let’s call him Twitch). Twitch, as usual asked what I was doing there upon seeing me, I said I was there to talk to our manager and he walked with me to the back office. Then he asked again why I was there. I showed him the envelope with my manager’s name on it and he put it together rather quickly and said, “You’re quitting.” Then he told me how he was taking some tests in November for some police department and how TDH had applied for marketing position within the company. We gave each other high five because to be honest we all know the current job is not a good long time position. Twitch did mention how he was surprised that I was the first one and I mentioned my gratitude for being the first one, I wouldn’t want to be at the tail end of all the trainers quitting. I did apologize though, and he said not to because we have a new part time trainer and I thought about the other two part time trainers who with their mixed availability could certainly make up my hours. I feel certain that TDH will know of my quitting by the time we see each other tomorrow. It’s been fun working with such an attractive and funny young man, and I will miss working with him, but I feel pretty certain that I won’t really remember him that well in a couple of months time, he’ll just be some cute guy I used to work with…and I think I’m okay with that.
All in all it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be and I took a big sigh of relief after it was all said and done. I even took the day off, though I should have worked, but seriously after quitting what’s the point in driving from store to store to visit…except to say ‘goodbye’, and to be honest there aren’t that many store managers I’m close enough with to even bother doing so. Two maybe three of my stores, and I can grab those later this week sometime.
I came home and I started to read this incredible book and I started it today and I’ve already read almost 300 pages, it’s that good. In fact Ducky and I were hanging out tonight and around 8pm we both started reading (because you see we bought the book together last night so we both have a copy and in a way it’s our little book club) and Ducky set an alarm for midnight so we would know that we couldn’t read anymore. It was crazy, we didn’t intend to read for four hours but the time just flew by with this book. I’m worried that if I don’t finish it I won’t be able to concentrate on much else.
Ducky and I also went to visit a friend, well, at least someone we would like to consider a friend. She is so funny and the only person who has put pressure on me to come up with a nickname for her, and not all too surprising, being forced to come up with a nickname for someone makes it all the more difficult. It’s one thing to be typing about someone and then say, “Oh, yeah, let’s call him/her this name, it just seems to fit them,” which is what I’ve pretty much done. So one day I’ll have a nickname for her. I was hoping that by typing about our visit with her that I would be able to come up with one, but sadly it’s not flowing through my thoughts right now.

Chapter 56: The Dating Game

So, I don’t think I have informed you of our up and coming activity at church. It’s an Elder’s Quorum sponsored ward activity and it’s a dating activity. They say to encourage the brethren to date, but certain friends of mine and I have our own theories. Anyway, so at first it started out just as and Elder’s Quorum activity, where the guys were supposed to get a date, didn’t matter from where, from the ward, from the branch, from work, school, wherever. Then the Elder’s Quorum president didn’t want any of the girls to feel left out so he came up with the brilliant idea of inviting the sisters who don’t get asked to join them by bringing their own date. The announcement didn’t go over too well. Last week Satan (as we like to call the Elder’s Quorum President) wanted to see if the Relief Society would be in charge of refreshments to which the bishop said ‘hell no’, well, he just said no, but I’m sure he was thinking the hell part. Then he asked if we would be willing to plan the activity!! Keep in mind that at this point, none of the sisters had been asked. Why the hell would we want to plan an activity that we weren’t going to? And regardless, the entire situation would be like a guy coming up to you and asking you out on a date and then saying, “Hey, we’re going to go to this place, but could you plan the activity for us? I’m just too busy, oh and could you bring dinner because my budgets tight.” That’s when the girl would say, “You know what? I think I’m busy that night.”
So they send in Luke Duke (not his real name, but it’s what my sister and I call him because that’s who he was for Halloween). He makes another announcement last week and nervously informs the girls that if they do decide to come they might want to eat dinner first because refreshments will be scarce due to the EQ budget, and the Ducky mentions that if anyone could help plan a scavenger hunt for the activity to get in touch with her after (because she said she wouldn’t agree to do the activity because she wasn’t going, but she would see if any of the sisters would volunteer…guess what? None did, big surprise there). Luckily Luke Duke got out alive but none of the sisters were all too happy with the activity.
Yesterday a member of the bishopric came in to announce that he didn’t want the girls to have to ask out a date, so he asked if he could have a show of hands if girls would commit to say ‘yes’ should someone ask and they had no prior commitments. Then he said he would go tell the brethren that if they ask we’ll say yes. (turns out that he went in there and pretty much said, “If you ask, they’ll say ‘yes’” but didn’t go into more detail about how it doesn’t mean we’re in love with them (like he did for us) and I think he should have). After church boys are usually hanging out in the hallway by the Relief Society room, waiting like children for the women to get out. Yesterday there were about three guys that I saw. There’s a glass door in the relief society room and we were doing small group discussions in class and I could see out the door, when 4 o’clock hit I saw a bunch of cars leaving, no doubt the spineless, cocky brethren of the ward who think we are all in love with them. If only they knew about our fry list and the part that says, “burnt fries” and how 80% of them fall into that category, and after yesterday I’m tempted to add more of them to my list because they are sissy, arrogant, courage-less, individuals who can’t just take a girl on a date for the sake of going on a date. Not everything is an interview for eternity. I know that I may sound bitter at not being asked, but don’t you worry about that, not only am I working that bight so couldn’t go anyway, but I was asked to go. In my false security of thinking I could freely roam the halls because the testosterone levels didn’t seem to be anywhere within pheromone recognition I was caught off guard by Mr. Collins, that’s right, Mr. Collins who cut me off in my pursuit of catching up with Diva and began to ask me if I was going to the activity. I had to decline due to work, but at least someone asked me. And you know what, just for actually taking courage when so many of the guys at church did not, he just go points in my book for that. Of course, I knew he would be okay when I told him I was unable to go due to work, we are talking about Mr. Collins, he somehow always lands on his feet in Pride and Prejudice, why should the real life Mr. Collins not be able to do the same?

Chapter 55:Disappearing Act

There’s a new guy, this story is actually really sad. So last Saturday I was hanging out with a friend and I said, “I want a boyfriend”. Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have just been more specific” or something like unto that. I think the same goes with anything that you want. You need to be very specific because God and his universe have quite the sense of humor. Less than 24 hours later God puts into my path an individual who desperately wants a girlfriend and I’m not too sure that he exactly cares who it is. He jumped around church saying ‘hello’ to every girl with a pulse and on several occasions bumped into me, but not with the intent of bumping into me. The first I had to duck between him and this girl so that I could pass through them, to which he said, “hello” and I avoiding eye contact, nervously said, “hello” back. The nervousness was simply because I don’t really like to duck through people trying to get to the bathroom. The second time was after Sunday School. I was talking to my friend and I hear from behind me a loud, “hello”, so of course I turn around, it’s like when someone issues a cat call, and you just have to find out if it was for you. So I turn slightly and he says, “Oh that wasn’t at you, but ‘hello’.” I jokingly said, “rude” and continued my conversation with my friend. At the end of church I was talking to Ducky about “The Office” one of my most favorite shows. We were talking about getting together the next day to watch part of the latest season. So this guy…let’s call him…Mr. Collins, mostly because I am obsessed with Jane Austin characters, comes up and stands there and so we stop and he says that he hasn’t met us yet, and looks at me and said, “officially”. So Ducky says who she is and then introduces me and throws in, “she’s pretty much the coolest person here” to which he says, “Yes, I’ve noticed,” and then Ducky walks off to get something. I came to find out later that this is her pass off defense for avoiding guys. So, I sat there talking to him because I didn’t have a choice, Ducky finally came back over and wrote down his name and got his number because he had asked about the Office and she told him the next time we have an Office party she would let him know. So then he got hers, and he asked what she preferred to be called and of course, turned to me and asked me for mine. I gave him my number and then instantly said what I wanted to be called. Have I ever mentioned “word vomit”? In Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan’s character mentions word vomit but it was more of a, talking badly about people word vomit. This new version I will use for this chapter is, “I can’t stop talking and it’s coming across as interest and flirting when I don’t mean it to” word vomit. When I’m uncomfortable I can’t shut-up and it only makes things worse. This happened to me in Provo, UT about 5 years ago, I couldn’t stop talking and even though my comments were littered with lies he still found me attractive and was suddenly trying to be my boyfriend after an hour. Yet…when I like someone I can’t seem to whip out this charm.
Anyway, so he says that everywhere he goes he runs into someone with my same name and they always become best friends. So I jokingly say, “so we’re best friends now huh?” (I’m an idiot). So he says, “where are you sitting I’ll sit with you.” But luckily I was getting ready to leave so I told him so and got to say ‘goodbye’.
Then the next night I go to FHE. I’m there early because my friend was in town from Washington (state) and I had given her directions and wanted to be there early in case she came early or more so in case she didn’t function on Mormon Standard time. Unfortunately Mr. Collins was also early. So we stood outside talking for a while and he asked if Ducky and I were doing our Office watching after FHE. I told him that we weren’t going to do it (we had actually done it before FHE) and then he said that we could go somewhere and watch it and I told him that Ducky was the one who owned the season and then he says, well we can go borrow it from her and then go watch it. I said that I wasn’t going to ask her for her DVD, but I said it more in a joking manner so as not to offend. He’s a little creepy in the serial killer kind of way. Overly friendly, the ‘oh my arm is broken can you help me load something into my car?’ kind of way. You don’t want to be alone with him. How much do we really know about this guy anyway? Anyone could come to church one Sunday and act like a new comer and would we not just take them in? In three hours he could get a countless amount of girl’s telephone numbers, only the better to stalk them with. I stood alone, with this serial killer, spewing vomit incoherently. Finally my friend showed up and I attempted to ignore Mr. Collins, though I could hear him say my name several times. I tried to avoid him during FHE, I was “engrossed” in conversations with anyone and everyone else. We played whiffle ball, which by the way I think I may have found my calling, and Mr. Collins and I were on the same team. He was the first baseman and I was in outfield and this was when his magic tricks came out. I had seen him doing some card tricks with Motor Mouth earlier, but I hadn’t seen the light trick at this time though. He pulled a little light out and “pushed” it through his head, one ear and out the other and then he put it up his nose. I simply said, “gross”. I don’t condone people sticking things up their noses and I told him to never do that again.
At the end of FHE I tried to get away quickly, I was walking in front of him and pretended to hear nothing he said, it wasn’t as if he was making direct conversation with me anyway, so I knew I could get away with it. I stood in the parking lot with my friend talking and we were trying to decide if we should get something to eat for a late dinner or if we should just get a dessert. In the meantime Mr. Collins came out of the building and said goodbye and asked if I was going to frisbee Tuesday night. I told him that I was working and that I work a lot of nights. I felt the need to throw that out there. He said that was too bad and that he would call me later that week so we could do something. I said “alright” knowing full well that I had plans every night for the rest of the week (sure most of them were because of work but still, I was covered). He never called anyway, so it didn’t matter.

Chapter 54: The Saving Powers of Movies

I wish that I felt the way that I felt when I was younger, mostly just revolving around my love life. Not that it was great when I was younger, but I felt more strongly about people. Do you know what I mean? We’re talking, writing poems because he broke my heart because he looked at another girl…I know, it’s much more dramatic, but at the same time it was more exciting. I don’t feel that way about anyone and I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now and that’s just not the way we mature people feel about others, or if it’s because there’s just no one that makes my heart beat faster. I want someone to make my heart beat faster; I want someone to make me feel socially retarded because I can barely speak if they are making eye contact with me. I want someone worth writing a poem about.
Speaking of people who don’t give me heart palpitations, G.I. Joe’s brother came home from overseas in Iraq with the military. G.I. Joe’s brother being my favorite and only brother-in-law they came over to the house and for some reason brought the whole clan. Well, at first it was just one of his brothers which I used to have a crush on, but he got married and I got over it. Then there was a knock at the door and there was G.I. Joe stating that the parent’s house was boring so he hoped none of us minded that he came over. So life grew uncomfortable quickly because G.I. Joe tried to mack on me in front of his brothers! I have this thing, where I’m really uncomfortable in front of other people when it comes to mackage. This can go two ways, I can’t flirt in front of other people so despite the fact of whether or not I like the person I can’t handle flirting, or being flirted with when there is an audience. Strike one. So, he’s sitting across the room and my adorable nephew comes in and looks at him and then points to the other side of the room and says, “Go away!” meaning that he wanted the chair that G.I. Joe was occupying. I was sitting on the couch with my brother-in-law on one side and me on the other and G.I. Joe comes and sits down between us stating that he was kicked out by my nephew which I knew but I preferred that he would have chosen standing rather than sitting by me, to which he sat too closely. He asked me to do an asthma walk with him at the end of September, when someone asks you to be a do gooder with them it’s a little more difficult to deny them. Especially in front of people, what are you supposed to say? Let the asthma people walk for themselves they’re not in wheelchairs, and even then, they are still mobile. Maybe it would have been more appropriate to state that I don’t support asthma. But I agreed and luckily he asked my sister as well. All the while I was sitting there hoping that nobody else noticed how closely he was sitting, or that he kept trying to “accidentally” hit my feet with his. To think that G.I. Joe has had more relationship experience than I, is older than I am, and yet I feel the more mature between the two of us. For someone with his age and experience I expected more.
In the kitchen the brother of brother-in-law that I used to have a crush on (which I think I’ll call my brother-in-law Navy Seal Ken…it was a Christmas thing) made a comment which I do not now remember, but I know with a certainty had to do with G.I. Joe’s advances towards me and gave the implication that he assumed I had similar feelings towards G.I. Joe. I played the oblivious card…oh is he friendlier with me than anyone else in the room? I didn’t even notice. This is why I don’t flirt in front of people, they will call you on it whether to your face or to the person you were flirting with. Don’t misread that though, I don’t flirt with G.I. Joe because I don’t want to…period, not because of the above said reasons, those reasons are for when I like someone.
At the end (and we’re talking about a week later from the above day) of Navy Seal Ken and my sister’s visit I walked them to their car, mostly because I was carrying my nephew and I always walk him to the car because he is the only single man that I truly love. I gave Navy Seal Ken a hug goodbye and he said, “I don’t know if (insert sister’s nickname that I haven’t developed yet, here) asked you but does G.I. Joe make you uncomfortable?” I didn’t know how to respond, a simple “hell yes,” didn’t seem appropriate especially in front of the nephew and at the same time even a nod didn’t seem appropriate because I felt as though they would then pass it on, and despite how much I’m not in love with G.I. Joe I still felt the need to spare feelings. If the time ever came where I had to tell G.I. Joe I wasn’t interested at least I would say it to him and him only, third parties can complicate things and feelings can easily be hurt. That’s right; I actually do care about people’s feelings. So I shook my head ‘no’ and played the ignorant card yet again, acting like I didn’t notice. Then Navy Seal Ken says, “Well, I think he might have a little bit of a crush on you.” Which I didn’t even have time to censor myself and I said, “I know,” and quickly added, “I create feelings in others that they themselves do not recognize.” I’ve come to realize that the only way to escape from an awkward situation is to throw in a good movie quote.

Chapter 53: Blockbuster Girl

I explained to Diva last night about how I can discern if there is relationship potential between me and a guy by the movies he enjoys or even doesn’t enjoy. Preface, there is a guy in the ward who was once known as, “The Barnes’ and Noble Guy”, at least in a certain social circle…not sure what circle that was, but I met him once and he told me the story. He had taken a girl on a date and they went to Barnes’ and Noble with the hidden purpose of seeing what books the girl would look at, and from there he would determine if there was relationship potential. So, with my little talent I have decided that I will be the "Blockbuster Girl". I was talking to Sweet Pea on the phone today explaining all of this and I mentioned that movies have a lot to do with a relationship (therefore being Blockbuster Girl is more essential than being the Barnes’ and Noble Guy). You don’t share books all the time, but in a relationship you are constantly sharing movies. If you are not open to each others genre of video entertainment then how are you suppose to have that effective cuddling leading to kissing leading to marriage portion of your relationship? So I will be the blockbuster girl.
Ducky said once that I’m shallow and yet, somehow still come across as deep.
The reason that all of this came up is the fact that I have proven this theory on more than one occasion, and thus far it has been true with G.I. Joe.
This past Saturday we had an activity…a regional activity, which means that there were even more of the same kind of people to surround myself with. I gave a ride to G.I. Joe and one other person. On the car ride over there were several uses of the phrases, “She always does this to me,” “she’s always good times,” and several other phrases where I had to refrain from rolling my eyes. Near the start of the activity he attempted to get the gunk out of my eye, you know, that little eye gunk that appears in the corner of your eye sometimes. He told me it was there and then tried to get it out. I have a bubble, and having someone else’s finger in my eye definitely goes against the bubble boundary. Then after the activity we were walking around Maymont park (the three of us, because I think person 3 has a crush on G.I. Joe and wanted to enjoy the romantic scenery), I however got caught there, walking around with the two of them.
At one point he told Person 3 that he is over at my family’s house all the time and that my mom wants him to marry either me or my sister. To which I made a face that Person 3 saw and commented on. I made sure to make the statement that I am not currently interested in marriage. In fact, several times that day I made similar statements. Once I explained why I don’t get asked out (I’m not very approachable to new people so no one bothers and when people get to know me it’s too late, I’m in buddyland) after I explained this I added that I don’t care right now anyway, I enjoy being single and I don’t think I’m ready to give it up just yet. Sure, I want a boyfriend, but those words never left my mouth on Saturday.
The drive home was uncomfortable because G.I. Joe and Person 3 both live near each other and I was trying to work it out to avoid any awkward situations with either of them. My brain couldn’t work fast enough and I ended up dropping off Person 3 first at the suggestion of G.I. Joe because dropping him off last really did put me at the road I needed to get home. So I drop him off and he asks if I want to come in and say ‘hello’ to his mom. This isn’t weird, I actually talk to his mom a lot, her being my sister’s mother-in-law, and my sister being her favorite daughter-in-law. So I say ‘ok’ and end up sitting on the couch zoning in and out of the conversation. G.I. Joe keeps bringing up these girls, which I honestly could care less, I do however notice that at the activity the only ones who seemed to catch his attention were the young airheads that no one in all reality had a chance with. They are boy crazy individuals who do not want to head down the same relationship path as these older men who are ready to settle down (apparently with a cute, air-headed, 19-year old). These are the type of girls who end up moving out west and in a year’s time they have meet someone closer to their age, cuter, and more successfully bound than the guys here, and yes, they are engaged to them. Yet, these boys never learn and it’s like watching a freak show every summer.
Anyway, so his mom interrupts and tells him that maybe I don’t want to hear about all these other girls. I, in my mind that is not trained for situations where people are actually trying to set me up, say, “Oh I don’t care,” and then looked at him and said, “as long as you aren’t trying to make me your wingman I’m fine.” He told me he would never do that. Then he starts to talk about movies, movies I have never seen, and ones that I’m not interested in seeing. The whole time I am thinking about my theory on movies and cultivating it for presentation to Diva.
One awkward moment was when he told his mom that he had tried to ask me out but I shot him down…excuse you? Offering to get me some chocolate and asking me what type of food I like does not constitute trying to ask me out and me not eating chocolate or liking a certain type of food does not constitute turning you down…though I probably would have anyway, I don’t appreciate the deceitfulness of the statement.
I also have a hard time telling people I’m leaving, which is why I can end up being at my parent’s house for hours on any given Sunday. It’s difficult for me to say, “Okay I’ll see you guys later.” I usually go into where my dad is, kiss him on the forehead and then go and try to tell my mom. I think I have sadly conditioned my dad, like Pavlov’s dogs, when I come in and kiss him on the forehead he asks if I am leaving and I say, “sooner or later” and he just laughs because he knows that it will be a while, but I wanted to make sure to say “goodbye” to him, should the opportunity present itself to leave and I not have time to come in and say goodbye at that time. Mostly it’s because my mom doesn’t take “goodbyes” well.
So I just sat on the couch, constantly yawning because I really was tired. Finally I waited until a show was over, the ending credits to a show just seem the right time to say, “well, I’d better get going.” So I did that. I start to usher myself towards the door and G.I. Joe says something about how one day we’ll be to the hugging stage and I thinking déjà vu. We’ve had this conversation, however, we’ve also had a hug…I didn’t bring it up, I was just grateful that he forgot.

Chapter 52: Sarcastic Me

I think that I am burned-out in every aspect of my life. I’m growing tired of my family, I’m tired of having to pick the hymns for relief society, I hate my job and am currently taken the proper course of action to get out of it., I’m just sick of everything. I don’t feel like being friendly or even pretending to be friendly anymore. I no longer care about sparing feelings, and I don’t care how it would affect certain people in my life. I went to my parent’s house for dinner tonight and did not want to be there. The moment I pulled into the driveway I knew I didn’t want to stay for long. I even stayed in the car for while before going in.
At dinner my sister told me how my mom told her how G.I. Joe was flirting with me the night before. I just rolled my eyes and then all the questions started from my brother and sister-in-law. Then suddenly my sister-in-law ever the gatherer of information asks, “is he single?” and I turned to her and said, “no, he’s married, kinda awkward” And she had a look on her face like I was serious! It was so weird.
If my family doesn’t back off I will distance them from me, and that’s a promise. So tonight I took a little self-destructive ‘me’ time. I went and hung out with Baby Face for a couple of hours. He wanted to see the dog so we met up to hang out and he could see my dog after the months since he last saw him. It was fun and I really needed it. At one point I got a bottle of water out of my car and it had been sitting in there for a while, but I pulled it out for the dog and Baby Face asked if it was hot and I held it and got a surprised look on my face and said, “Weird, it’s ice cold.” He snatched it from my hand and felt it and said, “It’s hot!” I just started laughing, and he finally got it that I was being sardonic. Why is it that everyone is falling for what I am saying lately? It’s like people forgot that I’m sarcastic, or maybe I am just getting better at being convincing when I flat out lie to people…excuse me, it’s not lying, but being sarcastic.
Anyway, I didn’t realize how long we had been hanging out, but the sun was setting and finally we decided to leave. It was almost 9 o’clock. He told me to bring the dog next Sunday and it would be a tradition and then next summer when he finally got a dog he would bring it too and they could play. It’s the most long term commitment I’ve ever gotten from a guy. Haha…that’s kind of sad.

Chapter 51: Stop Trying to Be My Boyfriend

So I think my mom is trying to set me up with my brother-in-law’s brother. My sister is dead set against it. I didn’t care at first but now I don’t want her to bother at all. It all started about a month ago. He kept telling my sister that he thought I was pretty and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have a boyfriend, while at the same time he is a shallow man who wants his woman to have a nice body, a characteristic I lack, though he never said this, I just know the truth. But ever since I think my mom would just love it if he became her next son-in-law, she did this with the other brother until he got married.
At first I wasn’t sure what was going on and to tell the truth I still don’t, because I’ve never been good at reading people, he may just want me to be his wingman at activities to help him find a nice Mormon girl. By the way he thinks MM is pretty…but needs to come out of her cocoon…what the hell does that mean? But back to the story, one time everyone was leaving the house and most everyone was related to each other because we had his brother over and his brother’s wife and my sister and him, and they are all connected, and then his brother’s wife is my friend from childhood. So hugs were going around but I didn’t hug him (he needs a name because this is going to get confusing) G.I. Joe, that’s his name, he’s kind of like a little G.I. Joe doll…err, action figure. So G.I. Joe says, “We’ll build up to hugs.” And we ended with a handshake.
I invited him to a movie party I was having because I had been talking about it in front of him and it would be rude not to. (That’s when he met MM).
So, apparently every Friday he eats dinner at my parent’s home. I don’t however because most Friday nights I work. But this past Friday I got off early so I went there to have dinner, he stays at my parent’s house until 11…every Friday. That’s my gig; he can’t be taking over my gig. So then this past Saturday I get a voicemail from my sister while I’m at work, so I call the house to return the phone call and my sister’s fiancée picks up the phone and asks me who I want to speak with, I told him either my mom or my sister because I was returning the phone call. Then who gets on the phone? G.I. Joe. I said, “You’re not my mom.” And he asked if I was coming over for dinner. I say that I will (only because my parents knew I was getting off work early). He jokes around with me a little on the phone and when we hung up I said aloud, “Stop trying to be my boyfriend.” Which is where the title came from.
So, I’m doing my usual, keeping my distance thing that I do anytime I get nervous that a guy might actually like me, but at the same time trying to act like nothing’s going on, we’re just friends, because again, I’m horrible at reading people and I want to be prepared to take whichever course of action I need to take. All night he would mimic me, not what I said or anything, but I poked a piece of bread, a little action that is done when not expecting anyone to be watching, and suddenly his hand approaches out of the corner of my eye, travels to the bread and pokes it. Why was he watching? Why did he poke? Later we were sitting on opposite sides of the couch and when that happens the cushions in the middle push out so you actually can’t really see the other person, so he said something to me so I smacked the cushion back so I could see and respond and then, even though he didn’t need to at that point, he smack the other cushion back.
G.I. Joe is a really cute guy, don’t get me wrong, and in most circumstances I would be thrilled just to be able to hang out with him. However, I’m not. I don’t know exactly what it is because I felt this way before last night, but all I know is that last night’s conversation sealed the deal.
I’m a movie person; I think you can tell a lot about a person by their movie choices. For example, if someone really enjoyed the Pride and Prejudice version with the girl from Pirates of the Caribbean, then they may have some pretty simple ideas of what a good movie is. I don’t fault them too much for it, but I can’t really trust their opinion on movies. But there is also the opposite, if they hate movies that are in all actuality good, but just don’t fit someone’s genre we have a problem, also if they don’t enjoy a good stupid movie now and then, there’s another problem. They take movie watching far too seriously. It’s like when people complain about the movie “Swing Kids” because it is historically inaccurate I feel like slapping them up side the head and telling them it’s fiction, in case they missed that the movie was never based on a true story, never claimed to have much sway as far as historical facts go, but just happened to be a fictional story based in an actual time period. Yes, many of us are aware that the dancing these kids did was completely unknown to actual teenagers in war time Germany; however, it’s a whole lot more interesting with the American moves thrown in now isn’t it? Tangent! Okay, so G.I. Joe is going through some movies, most of which I will never see because I don’t watch R-rated movies and I try to steer clear of the questionable PG-13 movies. I just began to zone out while he was talking to my sister about movies, I wasn’t going to pretend to be interested when I wasn’t. Later my mom was looking for a movie on TV and G.I. Joe kept shutting them down, or giving his approval of movies that I knew she wouldn’t be interested in. It was just…I don’t know. Have I mentioned he doesn’t like “Backdraft”? I love that movie, I woke up at 7am once because it was coming on TV and I missed being able to watch it. “Ladder 49” is the poor man’s “Backdraft”, a good movie but is cast in the shadow of an even better movie.
At one point yesterday he started to tell me how he was thinking of coming to the single’s ward but then thought about how high gas prices were and my sister said, “Well, Jessie can come and pick you up.” And he looked at me like, “yeah maybe” and I said, “That would mean driving to this side of town first, and ‘no’,” I don’t feel bad about shooting him down, I don’t want to spend a 30-plus minute drive to and from with him. I covet my drive to and from church when I don’t have anyone in the car with me. I can think about whatever I want or need to, when someone is in the car with me I am robbed of those precious moments.
Yesterday he stood really close as I said ‘goodbye’ and then he went for a hug, I had to give him one, you don’t shoot someone down for a hug when you’re in your parent’s home where your mother is always close by to remind you of your manners. So, now we are at that hugging stage and I don’t want to be. It’s just beginning to get annoying.

Chapter 50: Another Visit to the Institution

I think I have written before about running into crazies at work, but maybe that was in my Myspace blog. There’s a manager at work…we’ll call him Frosty because he always does this hilarious dance that he says is from those old cartoon movies such as Frosty the Snowman. So I have a bit of a habit of almost getting Frosty killed. I’ll recap quickly just in case I have never mentioned it. So one day I had a bunch of trainee’s at work and I was coming downstairs to check to see if they were there. There is a door to get to the stairs that you have push open if you are about to go down the stairs. So I pushed it open and it was a little too fast and it turns out that on the other side were Frosty and my trainees. I almost hit Frosty with the door and told him I was going to kill him one day but it was only going to be by accident. A couple of days later (seriously, it all happened in the same week) there was a crazy lady at work. She was in line for one of my trainees and she asked me what kind of credit cards do we accept. I told her pretty much all credit cards. She told me to wait a second while she pulled hers out to double check. She handed me a hotel card, the kind you use to unlock the door. I flipped it over a couple of times in my hand just to make sure that I was right in it being a hotel key card and not a credit card. I told her it was a hotel card and she nodded and continued to look at me like a hotel card was going to cover it. At that point I realized that there was something wrong with her so I told her I would be right back. I went over to Frosty and told him that we had a crazy lady in line who was trying to pay with a hotel key card. Frosty came over to help out with the situation and I tried to continue to coach my trainees on register (I had two of them). My one trainee finished up with the customer in front of the crazy lady while Frosty talked to her. She handed him something and he threw it away so I assumed that she had given him trash from her purse to throw away. Then she gets an attitude with Frosty and says, “Where’s my money?” and Frosty is absolutely confused at this moment and he’s not sure what to say but he asks, “What money?” and she goes on that he threw away her money and he contests that all she gave him was a paper clip and a piece of trash and that he threw it away. She insists that her money was on that paper clip. Bernie reached into the trash can and pulled out the paper clip and handed it to her. This only made her more irate, she started to yell that he took her money. Frosty turned to me and said, “Move you’re trainee down to register 12,” and then he looked at my trainee and said, “Welcome to Ukrop’s.” and then turned to continue to face the customer who at this point had come behind the register, grabbed the trash can and dumped it out on to the register belt. So I pack up one trainee and take him to a safer location and get him set up. I look back at Frosty and the lady is going nuts, Frosty at this point has already called the security guy to the register and he is on his way. Frosty gives me a look and it turns out later it was because I had just missed her shove him, so he had looked over and by that time I was looking in his direction, but had missed the actual push.
The rest of the day Frosty was telling everyone that I tried to get him killed and I had threatened him earlier that week so now I had just paid that lady to cause him harm. It was horrible, I felt really bad, but we always joked about it. That was several months ago. This past Friday I was training courtesy clerks, four of them, so it was hard to keep track of all of them, and one of them was bagging for a lady that was complaining or something about a card, but no one could really understand her. I asked her a bunch of questions about the card, I thought maybe she lost hers, or wanted a new one, but she didn’t want any of that, and in fact may have already slide her card for all I know. I helped my courtesy clerk bag for a while and then went to check on how another one was doing. Then I returned to the first one, the lady said that she had to wait and asked if the courtesy clerk could wait with her, he said he would and they went and stood by the wall. They were standing there for a while so I wasn’t sure how long she was going to make them wait and I wasn’t sure what she was waiting for. So I walked up and she asked if I was going to check her bags. I thought she was just taking training seriously so I said, “you want me to check the bags?” and she said, “yeah for drugs and alcohol.” Which actually I didn’t catch on the first two go arounds, I caught it on the third. I kind of look at the courtesy clerk and we both shrug our shoulders and start looking through the bags, you learn that maybe you should just humor the crazy people of the world. But then apparently I wasn’t doing it right, and certainly she didn’t want me to open the grocery items so I told her to hold on a moment and I went to customer service to get a manager, and who should be the first one I see? Poor Frosty, who just got back this week from working a month in Roanoke, so…welcome home, here’s a crazy lady. I just looked at him and said, “Frosty?” and he knew by the look on my face and he just said, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” So I quickly explained the situation and he came out to talk to her. The moment she saw him her face broke out into a smile and I don’t know if it’s because she thinks he cutes or if she’s just so excited to see a manager. She starts asking his name and he just cheeses it and tells her his name and she starts to write it down on her receipt and then starts to write down other things and Frosty tells her that he can write it all down for her on a piece of paper at customer service. So he writes down his name, the store number, and the general manager’s name as well. I don’t even know what to do about the bags because she seems to have forgotten she even wants them checked. She’s gone into journalist mode and she’s writing down everything. After she was done with Frosty she went back to the register she checked out from and starts to get the cashier’s name and keeps asking questions and finally Frosty goes to her and tells her that he is happy to help her but she needs to leave the store now, she can’t interrupt business on the front end like that and if she doesn’t leave he’ll need to call someone (like the cops). This is when I realize that my trainee is still set to take her outside, Frosty is getting ready to walk with him but then turns to me and asks if it would be better if I follow him out since it would probably set her off if he did and the trainee might be more comfortable with me there. So I said I would go and then Frosty says, “Better yet, let’s switch him out.” So we picked an individual who is more seasoned and used to dealing with people there who may not have it all together in the cognitive factory upstairs.
The rest of the day was spent smoothing things over and telling people what happened. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point since I’ve gotten to that store the employees have come to expect me to know everything that is going on and they all come to me to find out what, “that was all about”. I hope this doesn’t mean that I am the “town gossip”. I’m going to console myself and say I’m not, I’m simply telling interesting stories, now people’s personal business. I just think it’s cool that the people like me and know where to go to get the interesting stories, considering when I first came to this store I didn’t think I’d ever get to the point where I would talk with any of them with more than a ‘hello’.

Chapter 49: One Way Only

If MM asks me one more question centered around Bull I am going to beat the crap out of her. Bull wasn’t at church today, do I care? No, not really. Do I know why? Absolutely not. Life petered to normal the rest of the day and then around 9:45 I hear a knock on my bedroom door. Then I hear little fingernails tapping. I want to rip those fingernails off. Then in a high pitched voice she calls for my dog. I stopped myself a few nanoseconds before I said something rude loudly. Then I opened the door, I made sure it was the uninviting door opening, where you stand there ready to shut it at any moment. She doesn’t seem to be the best at picking up visual cues and I doubt she’s ever really noticed because she’s never really focused on the other person involved in the conversation. She invites herself in despite the warning signs not to. She goes over to my dog and pets him a little and says, “how was church?” like she didn’t go even though she did. Then she says, “I missed Bull at church today was she there?”. I said, “No,”. “Why not?” I just rolled my eyes (because I knew she couldn’t see me) and told her I didn’t know. She tried to make a light of the fact that she was even asking and then left. I guess once she figured out that my well of gossip was dry she had no reason to continue conversation with me.
I just feel like MM uses me as her source of knowledge into the Relief Society and I’m not going to be that for her. I swear the next time she says anything that has to do with relief society or with Bull I will bludgeon her. I can’t tell you how much she aggravates me. During church today I sent Diva a note that told her to options she can choose from to help phase MM out of the house. First is to get two roommates when Jelly Bean moves out because MM said that she wouldn’t live here if we had 5 people here. Then the other option is to take over Jelly Bean’s room and make it our storage room so that when the new roommate comes and takes the room that MM uses to store all of her crap (she really should be paying double rent) then MM will have no where to put all her crap and maybe she’ll realize that she needs a place of her own because she’s not fit to share space with people.
By the way I am not moving out. Diva sent me an e-mail that pretty much changed my mind, that and I am fully aware that I may have been over reacting. However, this new realization that I am not getting away from MM makes life a little more dismal especially coupled with the fact that Ms. X is back. Life was going all right for a while but I suppose everyone has to deal with the natural bumps along the way. Still, if circumstances don’t change by the end of the year I may just have to go ahead and move. But hopefully things will change. It would be nice to be able to get my couch from my sister and to be able to unpack my kitchen stuff though. I love Diva and Jelly Bean, but it would be nice to have a place all my own where I wouldn’t have to hide out in my room so much.

Chapter 48: The Return

So last night I had a “Benny and Joon” party. It was going all right. Everyone was late except for two people but I planned it that way. In our culture if you want people there by a certain time you typically tell them it starts at least half an hour earlier then you want it to start. Then they’ll get there close to on time even though they are late. It’s absolutely fascinating and I wonder if there really are people in existence who have friends who all actually show up on time.
Anyway, so I was having a good time playing “Uno” though I typically don’t like that game. Then in comes Coz with two of his male friends and suddenly who do I see standing within the walls of my home? Ms. X! I don’t know how that happened, and Coz, like a man of desperation seemed to be hanging out with anyone he could besides her. I’ve never really known Coz to be afraid of many things but I know for a fact that Coz doesn’t like to be left alone with Ms. X. It’s like a small child with a dark room, it’s considered cruel and unusual punishment to force him to do so. Yet, Coz has his own illness that makes avoiding Ms. X almost impossible. He has the inability to tell someone that he doesn’t want to hang out with them. Cantsaynomeosis is a rare but deadly disease, don’t worry, so far it doesn’t seem contagious.
Ms. X came into the room and we made eye contact so I gave her the same uneasy smile and disengaged wave of the hand that I used to give my Aunt who abandoned her children with my parents so that she could more easily deal drugs and then ended up serving a year in prison all the while writing letters to her children about how great life will be one day. Needless to say, at one point or another in my life I truly hated my aunt, and at those times that’s how I acknowledged her presence in a room. It was not an inviting thing, but rather, a “there are people around and I don’t want them to think poorly of me if I truly say how I feel about you.” To this day I still can’t hug my aunt and act like nothing has happened. I’ll talk to her, I’m pretty much over all that she did, but I can’t muster the strength to act like I really care about her anymore. I don’t consider that holding a grudge, just because your feelings towards a person change during the process of forgiveness doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them, it just means you don’t feel the same way about them anymore, could happen to anyone.
Digression. So Mrs. X comes up, didn’t say anything, but she came to stand really close to me like I was supposed to jump up from my intense game of Uno and embrace her. No, I just acted as though rather than the front of her knees were level with my eyes it was the back of her knees and she was unaware of how closely she was standing. Basically, I pretended I didn’t notice her. Then she went and took a seat in the dining room and I got a text message from Diva saying she couldn’t believe that Ms. X was here.
Coz (who by the way I’ve been trying to get to have a D.T.R. with me, but he just won’t do it and I think he’s on to me and calling my bluff) seemed to lose brain cells by the second because he kept coming up to me and even though it’s his natural inclination to be touchy feely, he shouldn’t be touchy feely with me in front of Ms. X if he doesn’t want her to go for him. It’s like some strange version of King Midas and the golden touch. Every member of the male species that I have any contact with whatsoever turns into Ms. X’s next victim…I’d rather they turn into gold.
Later Ms. X came over to stand by me again but this time she made it more obvious that she was standing there to get my attention. She leaned forward and just smiled at me like I’m supposed to be excited to see her. I made small talk, said, “Welcome home, did you have a good time?” for the life of me though I can’t remember hearing her say anything, I think she may have nodded her response, but I can’t remember hearing her voice the whole night. Maybe she lost her voice box in Brazil…that would be fantastic. Like poor little Ariel lost her voice in Little Mermaid and had a harder time trying to get her man. It took all those fish friends to do it and I’m pretty sure Ms. X doesn’t have a lot of fish friends.
Coz and his male friends and Ms. X left the party not too much longer after getting there (thank goodness, I would have liked them to stay if they were just the three amigos and didn’t have Ms. X with them). Not long after they left though MM and…someone else, I can’t remember the other person contributing to the conversation began talking about Ms. X. I understand that I am bad mouthing her here in this little thing, but I didn’t do it in front of bunch of people, some who don’t know her, some who do, but regardless, none that needed to hear what they were saying. I am venting, I don’t really know what they were doing. But they were saying things I have thought, but I wouldn’t talk about it in a room full of people. While they were talking I quietly sang, “g-o-s-s-i-p, deadly and sticky”. I’m a hypocrite I realize this, I think it’s the human condition, along with being a flake. However, maybe what we all need to no longer be the way we are is to have other hypocrites just chide us when we do something wrong. Since we are all hypocrites maybe we would start to see how we all are and maybe even change. Maybe I’m wrong and that will increase the chance of burning in the world to come. Life’s all about chances right?
Anyway, we all went upstairs to watch the movie and didn’t have to deal with it anymore. Then after the movie the conversation seemed to be centered on Coz, which it shouldn’t have been and I should have stopped it because the night before Duckie and I had talked about starting a movement where we no longer discussed Coz, it’s one thing when you are in the room with him, talking to him. It’s another when he is no where around but everyone just wants to talk about him. I am in full support of Duckie and banning Coz’s name from public conversation, it’s all gossip anyway, why not get rid of it? From now on, in real life he will be “He whose name must not be spoken.” Yeah, sounds good to me.

Chapter 47: Did I Ask You?

So, I had to go to work right after finding out from MM that my dog had been found. I have to admit that when you are upset you do things you may regret. I almost e-mailed my mom about moving home, instead I contacted Duckie about becoming roommates. I can’t live with MM anymore, it’s more than just her telling me what she thought was best for me. She is not living my life, she does not think the way I do, so she has no say in my decisions. Besides all of that I can’t continue to live with her because I can’t continue to be between her and Bull and I can remove myself from MM more easily. It’s time to move anyway. I can’t expect my roommates to want my dog to return. First thing I asked Duckie is if she likes dogs; once that was established I asked if she would be completely opposed to living with my dog and I. She’s not opposed but she wants to talk about it in person. So we’ll see. Then I texted MM and told her I wanted my dog back. I also texted Baby Face and told him I found my dog. He called me and we talked about it then he asked what I was doing, but I was on my way to work. He thanked me for the CDs though I don’t know if he’s actually listened to them and then we hung up.
When I got home from work I wasn’t going to even talk to my roommates, nothing personal against Diva or Jellybean, but I didn’t feel like talking. I felt like this was something I was supposed to be thrilled about and yet at the same time felt like I shouldn’t be excited because I shouldn’t take him back. I was still angry at MM and unfortunately I usually let that affect everyone. But I went upstairs and talked to them and felt like I was over reacting anyway and then Jelly bean came in and started to give me her opinion and I wasn’t too thrilled about that and then it just slipped out that I was looking for another place to live. I sat up in Diva’s room for a while talking and MM came home while I was up there, I closed the door so that I could hide from her, not that it helps. She came up and asked where I was and Jelly bean pointed. She had me listen to the message, like that was going to change my mind. Why couldn’t she just give me the number? She didn’t just have me listen to the message either; she had it on speaker phone so that everyone could. I know she probably didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m one of those people who reads into everything so the gesture just kind of ticked me off more and actually made me more determined to get my dog back. Jelly Bean told me after MM had left that she would get the dog back after listening to that message.
Jelly Bean came down to my room later to talk to me about it. I wanted her honest opinion of what she would think if I brought the dog back. I’m not necessarily convinced that she would actually be in support, but she tried to make me feel that way. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I do like where I am at, but if Duckie and I can find something in a good price range I can’t guarantee that I won’t decide to do it. My life is full of changes right now, what’s the harm in adding one more?

Chapter 46: Speak of the Devil

My mom told me that when she was younger her brothers and she called her sister Buffy. Her sister thought it was after a character on a TV show and was enthusiastic for the nickname because she loved that character. My mom told me that what they never told her sister was that “Buffy” was short for Buffalo, and they were calling her sister Buffalo because she would pound around the house and they could always hear her coming.
With that I continue my rant about Motor Mouth whom from this time forth will be called MM or M&M…either way, that way if she were to find it after this point she might think the name was more endearing then it actually is. She knocked on my door today during her lunch break, opened the door even though I had not welcomed her in yet, I could have been half naked! So since she did this I’m pretty sure she saw my over dramatic spin up from my seat where I was rolling my eyes…okay, never mind she just came and talked to me
She got a phone call from a lady who has my dog! So instead of just saying, “We found your dog!” she starts off with, “hear me out.” And just like all these other freaks in my life who try to tell me what to do she proceeded to tell me that she thinks it would be best if I just let these people have the dog! First off, they saw the flyer a long time ago and never called then, so I’m supposed to say, “Oh yeah, you’ve kept my dog for two months without giving me so much as a phone call to let me know that he wasn’t dead, but you know what, go ahead and keep him.” Hell no! I want my dog, and you know what MM has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want the dog here so I’ll see what my other options are but I’m not going to let her keep my dog when she didn’t have the common decency to call when she first saw the flyer! And I know it’s horrible but one of my thoughts was to tell MM that it’s a $400 dog…you don’t just give those away to strangers who didn’t bother to call sooner. Yes, I’m happy my dog is okay and that he is alive…but I want him back.
And you know what? Why did MM have to come and say, “We need to talk,” rather then just saying, “I found your dog!”? For someone who doesn’t like drama she sure lathers it on.
And the fact that she tells me that she thinks it’s best that we let them keep him pisses me off because who is she to tell me what to do and to make me feel bad about wanting my dog back!?

Chapter 45: An Arch Nemesis Returns

Do you believe that people can change? I do and I don’t. I think it’s possible for biblical characters such as Saul (who changed his name to Paul because his change was so great). I’d change my name too if I did a complete 180. However, I find it difficult to imagine people I know changing. The way that the world operates is that you’re a bad person if you want people to change, you should just “love them for who they are”. But the thing is, sometimes people don’t know who they are, and they are less than they could be (and sometimes, people just don’t like the way that they are). People cling to the idea that “this is just who I am” and they know the world backs them in this misconception. Paul had the help of Divine Intervention where he was pretty much struck with spirit of God and told to straighten up or die, maybe he wasn’t told that exactly but you get the point; People I know may not be so fortunate.
You’re probably wondering where I am going with this. My main concern here with people changing is Ms. X. It’s been a long time since I’ve mentioned her, but I’m sure I’ve at least given a background of her. She’s been out of the country for the last eighteen months serving a mission for church. I haven’t written or had any form of communication with her since about two months before she left. I was completely okay with that. In fact she’s been gone the entire time that I have been writing here. I can’t believe I’ve been writing in this for 18 months already.
So some things have started in motion leading up to the return of Ms. X. A woman that worked closely with both of us when we were younger will be attending our ward because her husband was just called into our bishopric. I’ll call her Goodwill, because really, that’s what she’s all about, I don’t think she’s ever had a mean thing to say about anyone or to anyone. She’s just the nicest person. So Goodwill is the one who informed me that Ms. X will be returning in approximately two weeks. Goodwill expects me to be excited about this, she is under the assumption (from Ms. X mind you) that we are best friends. I had just been thinking that morning, trying to figure out when Ms. X will be returning and it certainly isn’t because I want to see her, it’s more of a countdown until life becomes more beleaguered and dramatic. Deep inside I know that I should assume that Ms. X has changed and has no intention of drowning me in the juices of gossip, sweat of rivalry, and depths of despair. But then again, experience has taught me that she is ruthless. The many mental breakdowns she fringed for me during high school, the pathetic inside jokes that every statement we said seemed to become, the competition for boys that I saw first, the way that she grabs my arm when she thinks we are getting along, the way that she brings up that time that she started dating the guy that I had liked for 2 years and her being my best friend at the time knew all about it.
Given this information people would say that I haven’t forgiven her, and maybe I fooled myself, maybe I thought I had forgiven her when really I’ve only been harboring ill will. She’s a bully, it’s the only way I can put it and it seems ridiculous saying that she is a bully when physically I could kick her trash, but mentally and emotionally she has some strange power to wear me down and she has been the cause of many of my guy problems, and she’s been the cause of even more nightmares.
I absolutely fear her coming home. I’m placing ten dollars on the betting table that she goes for Coz, twenty-five that she thinks we can pick up where we left off in high school, and fifty that she calls me ‘Jess’ and asks me if I remember some random “inside joke” from 7 years ago on the very first time I see her again, oh and that she says that I was trouble and she was my side kick in high school. Give me a break, I’m more trouble now than I was in high school and for those of you who know me you realize that that means I was the perfect teenager…except for a couple of things, but she didn’t have any part in those events.

Chapter 44: I'm Not Complaining

I had the worst trainee in the history of the world. Back in November or December I thought I had a hard time with these two boys that were promotional trains, but this girl last night actually topped both of them combined. It still amazes me how on earth she got through the interview process and her hiring specialist actually thought she could be a cashier. Believe it or not being a cashier takes a certain maturity level, I know, I was a little shocked at this too, I didn’t realize until I started training that some people really should just be courtesy clerks (baggers). So, oh crap, this story involved a new character who may show up more so I have to think up a name for him…Rookie? I don’t know, he’s young, he himself may lack the maturity to train but he’s a nice kid, so I’ll cut him slack, and after last night he owes me steak dinner. So, Rookie was facilitating the class last night (I had already been there since 10:30 that morning) and he has a full time job during the day for the summer, and he was really tired. I told him to suck it up and teach the class, not in those words, but he was teaching, I had already done my stint. So he teaches the classroom portion and then he comes up to me during break and asks me if I will do the lab part because he felt like he was “losing himself” not in the dramatic he no longer knows who he is and was falling by the wayside of sin, but in the, “I have no idea if what I am saying is making sense anymore”. I look at the meager group of 4 and since that morning I had a group of 7 and it went without a hitch I figure I can help Rookie out. I agree and my first hint that this might not be a good idea was the fact that I had trouble getting the four of them to follow me to the register lab. Finally got them in though and I began the lab. Right from the start the group was too loud and I couldn’t tell who it was being too loud, if just one or a couple of them, I mentioned that this group was a little A.D.D. tonight (don’t know if I’m allowed to say that as a trainer but there are a lot of rules I may have broken last night). My group of 7 earlier in the day had been so polite and quiet and learning everything and really they were a godsend because this week it was just Rookie and me for the beginning of the week and since Rookie has that other job I didn’t have a second trainer to help me in the morning class. Two of us didn’t seem like enough in the evening class. I finally get through some basics but then, I don’t know, let’s call her…The Infinitesimal Brain starts hitting all the buttons, like that’s kosher! Then she starts playing with all the mock groceries. Might I add here that every time you hit a button on the register in the lab it makes a small beep sound. So it was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*, which is what I felt like saying, but I touched my ice cold hands to cool off my burning face and at one point started walking towards the door and said, “I can’t take it! I’m out of here!” But then the look of panic on Rookie’s face made me turn around and laugh it off, even though my face was probably the same shade as a tomato. So I think my near nervous breakdown got everyone to chill out, except The Infinitesimal Brain, she just kept going. She had the valley girl accent, so if you know what I’m talking about picture that in your head. I don’t knooww, like, it’s, kindaaa, like, sloweerr than most people. And sometimesss, words like drag out a little longeerr than normall and there are weird…pauseess. So many spell check errors in that last sentence, but I don’t know how to write a dragged out word.
About thirty minutes into the lab portion of class she is slouching over her register and saying, “Gosh! I can’t stand this long!” Everyone kind of just looked at her and I said, “You’ve got to stand a whole lot longer during work.”
“Oh my gosh! Are you serious!?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“It’s so long.”
Airhead! It’s not as if the work requirements weren’t covered with her, during the interview and Tuesday in class, the whole part where you need to be able to stand for at least 4 hours, and lift 50 pounds, and if you can’t do these you can’t really do the job. Rookie and I kept making faces at each other and I told him that he owed me one and after a little while longer I told him that he owed me something big. I decided what he owed me later that night while I was leaving a voicemail for TDH with his test scores I started to tell him about The Infinitesimal Brain and told him that Rookie owed me dinner so he should come and we would talk about it.
I’m just too tired to even write about her. Needless to say we failed her despite a good test score and part of me wishes I had taken her out of class and told her to pack up her stuff and go home and we would be in touch. But at the time I didn’t realize I could do that.

Chapter 43: The Energizer Bunny

I just don’t get it. I do like Motor Mouth, I think that her intentions are pure, but why does she have to be so annoying about it? This morning I was getting dressed after getting out of the shower and she knocks on my door. I think I’m going to put some zapping device on my door and anytime that anyone tries to touch my door in anyway whatsoever they will receive a slight shock. If they continue to attempt the same action in a ten minute period the shocks will gradually increase. Right before the shock becomes lethal red lights flash and a siren will sound. Maybe a bull dog will come out of nowhere, I don’t know. Oops, I always do this, so back to the story. She asks me to come help her with a bulletin that she is trying to make to announce this little social thing she wants to do at church. Maybe I have been hanging out with Bull too much lately but I start to wonder why she is doing this. Apparently the activity this past Thursday went really well, of course it was to help introduce the younger girls into the program and out of three stakes which means at least 100 girls under the age of 18, only 3 showed up. However, about 25 girls from our ward showed up, which means that it probably had the highest attendance in the history of the ward. They socialized there; they don’t need an ice cream social. The part that gets me the most is apparently I have to attend it! I don’t believe in ice-cream being the center of a social event! I’ve said this before for anyone who was actually listening, but the last thing you want people to know about you is how you eat your ice-cream! Ice-cream is a very intimate dessert. It has to be enjoyed with 5 people or less! To have a social event orbiting around people eating ice-cream is making a mockery of the frozen diary production. All personal feelings aside, Bull had said something when Motor Mouth first brought this up asking why we needed it and sadly my thoughts were in unison with hers. But I helped Motor Mouth none the less and then went to finish getting ready for the day.
Later Motor Mouth came in to show me the flyers that she made and then she just keeps talking! Somehow anyone else could get away with doing this, Diva, Jellybean, anyone really, except her. So I continue to get ready, I’m not going to stand there and act like I’m really paying attention as she goes through her schedule as usual. She keeps saying how she has to do this and she has to do that and I simply say, “Doesn’t sound like you have to do any of that”. None of it was life or death; no one was forcing her to go. Her busy-ness is contingent on the fact that she chooses to be busy. She just laughed. I wasn’t kidding. Anyway, just so you know when I am getting ready in the morning I listen to my music loudly, so the whole time it’s been up pretty loud. She finally leaves the one door (I have two doors to my room). I do the finishing touches of getting ready and I’m not certain, but I think I can hear her. She’s moved to my back door which is by the laundry room and she’s talking to me! Why the hell does she think I can hear her! My music is blaring, my door is closed. Does she honestly think I can hear a word she is saying? Does the thinking process not complete? If I had been in her place and I could clearly hear music through a closed door I wouldn’t waste my breath! But there she was talking as though she were talking to herself but she was talking to me and she just kept going. She didn’t care if I could actually hear her and I was wondering if she was like one of those teachers who will hold you accountable for information that they think they told you. I should have just left the door closed but I was worried that she would come and knock on it so I opened it.
I finally got away only to be caught later that night. How many times can you try to end a conversation before you blow up at the person and tell them to shut-up? I think that question has a lot more in common to the ‘how many licks does it take’ tootsie pop question. You think that you can brave it and find out the answer but not much longer after you start you realize you are not strong enough to endure the testing procedure. I think that I have been having heart problems due to the fact that I keep getting stuck in everlasting conversations with Motor Mouth. She’s like a gobstopper. Man I need to eat some sugar so I’ll stop comparing everything to candy.
Several times tonight I mentioned that I was going to bed and she just kept going! She repeats too, like a CD cycling through the tracks again, except it’s not the exact same, the words are modified and there’s no catchy tune.