Chapter 55:Disappearing Act

There’s a new guy, this story is actually really sad. So last Saturday I was hanging out with a friend and I said, “I want a boyfriend”. Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have just been more specific” or something like unto that. I think the same goes with anything that you want. You need to be very specific because God and his universe have quite the sense of humor. Less than 24 hours later God puts into my path an individual who desperately wants a girlfriend and I’m not too sure that he exactly cares who it is. He jumped around church saying ‘hello’ to every girl with a pulse and on several occasions bumped into me, but not with the intent of bumping into me. The first I had to duck between him and this girl so that I could pass through them, to which he said, “hello” and I avoiding eye contact, nervously said, “hello” back. The nervousness was simply because I don’t really like to duck through people trying to get to the bathroom. The second time was after Sunday School. I was talking to my friend and I hear from behind me a loud, “hello”, so of course I turn around, it’s like when someone issues a cat call, and you just have to find out if it was for you. So I turn slightly and he says, “Oh that wasn’t at you, but ‘hello’.” I jokingly said, “rude” and continued my conversation with my friend. At the end of church I was talking to Ducky about “The Office” one of my most favorite shows. We were talking about getting together the next day to watch part of the latest season. So this guy…let’s call him…Mr. Collins, mostly because I am obsessed with Jane Austin characters, comes up and stands there and so we stop and he says that he hasn’t met us yet, and looks at me and said, “officially”. So Ducky says who she is and then introduces me and throws in, “she’s pretty much the coolest person here” to which he says, “Yes, I’ve noticed,” and then Ducky walks off to get something. I came to find out later that this is her pass off defense for avoiding guys. So, I sat there talking to him because I didn’t have a choice, Ducky finally came back over and wrote down his name and got his number because he had asked about the Office and she told him the next time we have an Office party she would let him know. So then he got hers, and he asked what she preferred to be called and of course, turned to me and asked me for mine. I gave him my number and then instantly said what I wanted to be called. Have I ever mentioned “word vomit”? In Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan’s character mentions word vomit but it was more of a, talking badly about people word vomit. This new version I will use for this chapter is, “I can’t stop talking and it’s coming across as interest and flirting when I don’t mean it to” word vomit. When I’m uncomfortable I can’t shut-up and it only makes things worse. This happened to me in Provo, UT about 5 years ago, I couldn’t stop talking and even though my comments were littered with lies he still found me attractive and was suddenly trying to be my boyfriend after an hour. Yet…when I like someone I can’t seem to whip out this charm.
Anyway, so he says that everywhere he goes he runs into someone with my same name and they always become best friends. So I jokingly say, “so we’re best friends now huh?” (I’m an idiot). So he says, “where are you sitting I’ll sit with you.” But luckily I was getting ready to leave so I told him so and got to say ‘goodbye’.
Then the next night I go to FHE. I’m there early because my friend was in town from Washington (state) and I had given her directions and wanted to be there early in case she came early or more so in case she didn’t function on Mormon Standard time. Unfortunately Mr. Collins was also early. So we stood outside talking for a while and he asked if Ducky and I were doing our Office watching after FHE. I told him that we weren’t going to do it (we had actually done it before FHE) and then he said that we could go somewhere and watch it and I told him that Ducky was the one who owned the season and then he says, well we can go borrow it from her and then go watch it. I said that I wasn’t going to ask her for her DVD, but I said it more in a joking manner so as not to offend. He’s a little creepy in the serial killer kind of way. Overly friendly, the ‘oh my arm is broken can you help me load something into my car?’ kind of way. You don’t want to be alone with him. How much do we really know about this guy anyway? Anyone could come to church one Sunday and act like a new comer and would we not just take them in? In three hours he could get a countless amount of girl’s telephone numbers, only the better to stalk them with. I stood alone, with this serial killer, spewing vomit incoherently. Finally my friend showed up and I attempted to ignore Mr. Collins, though I could hear him say my name several times. I tried to avoid him during FHE, I was “engrossed” in conversations with anyone and everyone else. We played whiffle ball, which by the way I think I may have found my calling, and Mr. Collins and I were on the same team. He was the first baseman and I was in outfield and this was when his magic tricks came out. I had seen him doing some card tricks with Motor Mouth earlier, but I hadn’t seen the light trick at this time though. He pulled a little light out and “pushed” it through his head, one ear and out the other and then he put it up his nose. I simply said, “gross”. I don’t condone people sticking things up their noses and I told him to never do that again.
At the end of FHE I tried to get away quickly, I was walking in front of him and pretended to hear nothing he said, it wasn’t as if he was making direct conversation with me anyway, so I knew I could get away with it. I stood in the parking lot with my friend talking and we were trying to decide if we should get something to eat for a late dinner or if we should just get a dessert. In the meantime Mr. Collins came out of the building and said goodbye and asked if I was going to frisbee Tuesday night. I told him that I was working and that I work a lot of nights. I felt the need to throw that out there. He said that was too bad and that he would call me later that week so we could do something. I said “alright” knowing full well that I had plans every night for the rest of the week (sure most of them were because of work but still, I was covered). He never called anyway, so it didn’t matter.