Denial Ain't Just A River in Egypt

Today is national “I want to crawl in a hole and die” day…in case your traditional calendar doesn’t say that. I’m going to present you with two lists; they represent my “love life” (if you want to call it that) for 2008 (dipping a little into the end of 2007).

List #1 People who have shown an uncomfortable amount of interest in me (therefore, not all are confirmed, but heavily hinted to).

*Mr. Collins
*DND
*NTR
*The Dog Whisperer
*Desperate
*AP (AKA Date #5 for 2008)
*Bball Man

List #2 People who I have had interest in

*B2
*Chill
*SM2
*Charmer
*TDH JR.

…For some reason I can’t remember if there was anyone else. There were small little fleeting moments of interest with a few of the boys in the ward, and most of them are in pretty committed relationships now…

I told PR tonight that it was as if I was going through the seven stages of single hood grief:

Shock and denial – At first I felt like I was okay being single, after all, it’s not all that bad. There are so many things that I can do single that I wouldn’t be able to do if I was married or added children to the mix. That stage lasted for about 12 months, ending today. The mantra, “I’m fine being alone” can only last for so long.

Pain and guilt – This struck around 2:45 p.m. today. It’s been laced through the next two stages during the rest of the afternoon, hitting its climax on my drive home from my Uncle’s Christmas Party. Is it something that I’m doing wrong? Do I drive these people away or am I aiming too high? Certainly I could have made it work with one person on List #1; they’re all rather nice in their own quirky way. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I’m supposed to be in a relationship where the guy likes me a whole lot more than I like them.

Anger and Bargaining – I got a little upset that I keep attracting people that I am not attracted to, but mostly in this stage I tried to make a deal with God. A deal that he could give me a boyfriend for 6 months, and then that boyfriend could completely break my heart, as long as I knew that I could have a boyfriend; that I wasn’t completely messing things up with members of the opposite sex.

“Depression”, reflection, loneliness – I thought about how in the last 10 years I haven’t had much luck with boys, if I did date them (a grand total of 1) they weren’t any good for me and possibly screwed me up more than I already was. Other than that the boys I liked never seemed to like me back. I started to think of Beth in “Little Women” how she said something about how she never saw herself married or growing old…and then she died (I think of yellow fever?)…I’m still waiting for the yellow fever to hit. I’ve never really pictured myself married, doesn’t mean I don’t want to be married, who wants to be alone for the rest of their life? The worst came when I realized that the only type of people I will ever attract are the people who fit nicely on to List #1 and I’ll never get a List #2, I’ll never get married, I’ll never have a guy (who I like) want to hold my hand or wrap their arm around my shoulder. I’m this freakishly tall girl with man hands and love handles… (this was the low point).


The upward turn – I haven’t hit this stage yet, I’m in a strange limbo between the “depression” stage and the “upward turn”, but limbo is better than being completely immersed in depression. I assume that this is the stage where I will just begin to feel better (so maybe I am here I just don’t realize it completely yet).

Reconstruction and working through – Soon, I hope to be in this stage, where I begin to function as a single adult (but NOT in the denial stage I had been in). I’ll start doing little tasks and start planning my life, tear free, as a single.


Acceptance and hope – Finally accepting reality for what it is. Recognizing the difference between when I am screwing something up and when it just wasn’t meant to be. Then maybe I’ll finally get my hands on that greased little pig named Hope.

Yes, today was pretty rough and as I get closer to my birthday I’m afraid I might cycle through the first couple steps for a while. March seems like a good time to get to the last three stages. I’m just frustrated because none of my friends bothered to tell me that TDH jr. is totally out of my league, and no one is telling Bball Man that I’m out of his.

He (Bball Man) wrote me today and told me that the girl he likes went to the movie on Friday. Two girls went to the movie, I was one of them. So what do I do? Do I write back and ask if he likes the other girl? Either way I’m screwed. If he means me then when I wrote back asking if he likes her he’ll tell me it’s me. If I ignore it he’s going to ask why I’m ignoring it. Whether I choose to think that he likes the other girl or that he likes me I’m left in an awkward position.

Today was the first time in a long time that I considered moving, and even though people are the same everywhere you go, at least I’d have a while before any of the List #1 type people found me. Cause today along I had to deal with Bball Man, NTR, and the Dog Whisperer. But that’s a whole nother (is “nother” not a word? …”whole nother” I’ve said it all my life and yet when I try to type it spell check says ‘no’). Anyway, it’s a whole nother blog.

This is getting annoying

You remember when I said that most if not all girls do not intentionally place guys in The Friend Zone?

Well...I lied.

I said this because I have never intentionally placed a guy in the Friend Zone and I gave the rest of the women in the world the benefit of the doubt. I spoke too soon, I apologize.

Bball Man is headed straight towards eternal friend zone and the worst part is, he's leading the way. At least that's how I justify it to myself. I tried to keep conversation to friend topics, I steered away from any openings for him to ask me out and yet he kept persisting! He backed off the date questions but then he mentioned how he's looking for that special someone and asked if I had a special someone or at least some candidates. Who asks that? He's trying to do one of two things, he is trying to become my best guy friend, the one I can tell all my man-related woes to, or he's trying to figure out if I like him. It took me a while to respond back, but I finally wrote back with something saying how I have a lot of "special" people in my life but I don't have a "special someone" then I mentioned that I had a few candidates if you want to call them that since I can't ever talk to guys that I like.

I checked it with PR (which will now stand for Personal Relations) and she said that it sounded good, that by throwing in that I can't talk to the guys I like it automatically, less painfully stated that I was not interested in him (since . We thought a moment longer searching it for loop holes and deciding that there couldn't be and that he was careening towards the Friend Zone, I went ahead and sent it. So we were okay for a few e-mails (with the exception that he kept trying to figure out if he knew who my candidates were). I finally told him that he does know him, but I'm not sharing anymore information because then I will have more trouble than usual talking to this guy that I like. Because when other people know who you like you suddenly find yourself with an audience when you walk up to your true love and try to stammer out "hello" or maybe even try to flirt. He said he understood he was the same way with girls, but told me that I should try to drop hints because any guy would be lucky to have me talk to them (sweet...but he got me more with the basketball compliments).

He told me that I know the girl he is interested in...he also told me that she plays ball with us. Well, for the most part I am the only girl playing so I am struggling with red flags and flashing lights while I try to think of what other girl he would like. Who comes sometimes that he may be interested in.

So, Bball Man works with Little Brother. This morning I get a random text message from Little Brother asking me what's up. This is odd because I only ever hear from Little Brother on Thursday afternoons when he sends the mass text to remind people about basketball. For a moment I thought maybe it was Thursday, but I decided to text back anyway. He's getting a group of people together to see the new Will Smith movie and wants to know if I'm "down" he also asked me who else I should invite...now the paranoid side of me is wondering if he is trying to figure out who I like as well, since it is a basketball patron they would both know him.

What is it with guys wanting to know girls secret. It's like my friend in high school who loved to read my journal (in the days before blogs). He loved how real it was and everything. Of course, I think journals are much more personal, but I think I've done a bang up job of sharing my feelings in this one. Back to the story. I told him that I'd invite my roommates and I guess we could just invite the basketball people. Then he text me and says that Bball Man wanted to call me but he (Little Brother) doesn't give out people's numbers without permission. What am I supposed to say?? I can't very well say 'no' at this point. So I tell him he can but to warn him that I don't pick up the phone often. And I haven't even mentioned that I don't have text messages as part of my plan (yes, I'm geeking out about how many have been sent back and forth already). Things got busy at work so I didn't check my phone for a while, when I finally did Bball Man and Little Brother had both texted me. BBall Man just asking "What's up?" (which worried me that we'd start texting and like I said, I don't have a lot of text). Little Brother was just making sure I was in for the movie. I told him that he had me at Will Smith. Then I wrote BBall man and said that not much was up. I didn't ask questions or anything because I don't want to chance a lot of text messages.

I don't know why I just wrote all of that, I don't even know if it makes sense or if it is even what I meant to write.

We are all just sticks of celery

This is an old one, so when I say something like, "the other night" it was more like a year and half ago. I originally posted it for SweetPea who wanted to know why I said that we are all just sticks of celery. Here it goes:

To begin, the other night for some reason I brought up that flamingo's are pink because they eat shrimp (I think it's shrimp) and that canary's are yellow because they eat Sunflower leaves...oh I remember why I brought it up, because at Ducky's house she had Sun flowers and the leaves were falling off. Back to the story. So I started to speculate, what if you could make sunflower petals taste like shrimp? Could you then create a yellow flamingo? Because that would be awesome! Then I started to think that flamingo's and canary's are just cool anyway because they can take on the color of their food, how many other animals are really taking on the color of what they eat? We as humans become what we eat, but do we change to the color of what we eat?

The answer is 'yes' and 'no'. We eat such a large variety of colors that it is impossible to choose just one to become. But we do change colors. There was this guy I worked with in College who for a biology course ate nothing but carrots. He checked to see what color he was everyday and after a certain amount of time he began to take on an orange tint.

It got me thinking about celery. (I know, my brain is weird) and how celery changes to the color of it's water (and carnations too!) In the end, if we were to just soak up or eat the same colored food we quite possibly could take on that color (I think it only works with none processed food). So therefore we are all just sticks of celery, not necessarily bound to the color skin that we were born, but able to take on at least the color orange.

On a similar and yet, not so similar note, I was thinking today about how if you put a lobster in a pot of boiling water they will jump right out (can lobsters jump? I think I might be thinking of a frog).

However, if you place that frog in a pot of cold water and slowly turn the heat up the frog will soon be dead in a pot of boiling water. I wonder if we are the same? We are with music. You don't get into a car and turn it on only to find the music blaring and not instinctively reach to turn it down. However, you can get in the car with no music, turn it on and slowly through out your drive turn it up, and up, and up.

Eh, that's all for now.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last Series. Volume Two: The Friend Zone

In the last entry I decided that nice guys finish last because of the creep factor. They have their little quirks and maybe some problems with their mothers. I determined that they couldn't get the girl because of the serial killer stigma. Serial Killers are pretty nice people too (as I am believing even more as I read "The Serial Killers Club"). You just have to avoid their "type" and stay on their good side. There is a guy at work that I think is totally cute, but he's quiet and rarely speaks (to me or anyone else) and for a while I figured he might be a sociopath (especially since I was attracted to him and I have horrible luck with guys). For a while I thought his parents were out of the picture which did not help abate the warning signals reeling in my head that this adorable slice of manhood could be a sociopath and quite possibly be suppressing the serial killer urge (or maybe not even suppressing which may be worse). Anyway, that was the last post. This post is the long awaited second of the Nice guy series. It's not long awaited for all of you because I just reposted it. However, it's been over a year since I wrote the original and it was more for fun anyway, I don't really believe that nice guys finish last because they give off the Norman Bates vibe...though some of them very well may.


Series Two is devoted to the Friend Zone. The Friend Zone is the male version of Buddy Land, cause see, we can't chance women in Buddy Land meeting men in the Friend Zone, they might hook up and leave the area altogether! We can't have that, there must be order and abounding loneliness! Therefore we must give them two different places to dwell. Muhahaha!


Actually, for those of you who are unaware, they are not two real, finite, tangible places. However I do believe that the two "species" who are coexisting in this world are unable to connect and see each other in those other worlds. Does that make sense? Sometimes I ramble when I am talking about a whacked out theory. The people who are what I like to call Buddy remains are perfect for each other! The Nice Guys are looking for a girl who doesn't dump them in the Friend Zone and the Girls stuck in buddy land are looking for someone to see them as more than a friend. They have so much in common!

But I digress. The Friend Zone: An Essay on the Sad State of Our Single Times.

I think we have all been found guilty of it, there is a guy we know who may be interested in us, but we just aren't feeling it with them, which is a crying shame if you are a regular visitor or permanent resident of Buddy Land. So what to do with this person? They are totally cool and nice but we just don't want to date them, not sure why, we just don't.

I had that situation with D&D. I liked him as a person, I really did, but he liked me more than just a friend. I tried my hardest to see him as more, I went through mental preparation like an athlete, I tried to visualize holding his hand, kissing him, but...in the end there was still nothing. I had to tell him that I didn't think we liked each other in the same way. I would have loved to have had him as a friend. To have a guy to hang out with and watch movies and such, and I'm not going to lie, if he had been okay with that then that's what we would be. Perpetual friends. But though he said that he was okay with that and we should "hang out" sometime, I never heard from him again.

Broke my heart a little, but at the same time I silently cheered for him.

You see, the problem with the nice guy is he settles for the Friend Zone. He likes the girl, yes, so that's a little why he would stay in the Friend Zone, but also there is just the plain and simple truth that he is a nice guy. He doesn't want to hurt the girl's feelings by ditching her completely when she expresses that nothing more than friendship is going to happen (this is in a case when the girl does express genuine interest in remaining friends). Sometimes it's best to make a clean break, because once you're in the friend zone the girl can't let go, you're her buddy and she'll never understand why you feel the sudden urge to move on with your life, to get a girlfriend, to (gasp) not be at her beck and call. Because most of the time a guy in the friend zone is like a boyfriend without the action, so when the guy tries to leave it's almost like a break up (this is the same with Men and their "buddies" they stick in Buddyland - we are all, male and female, guilty of doing this to people).

I realize that I sound very harsh towards women, I should put a disclaimer that most, if not all, women do not do this to men on purpose, or to be mean or manipulative. They just know how they feel, and they love having the guy as a friend, why would they want to give him up? Why wouldn't they fight to keep possibly one of the best male relationships they have ever had?

It all starts simple enough, you aren't repulsed by the guy, he's not sending out the creep vibe and he's just a really nice guy. You have no reason he shouldn't be in your life, but you have insurmountable evidence that he can't be more in your life (i.e. absolute lack of attraction). It's not that you want a pet, it's that you want that possible friendship. He's holding out for the day you realize you're in love with him, and you...aren't expecting anything but a friend. It's kind of hard to finish the race when you keep going down the wrong road. Does that make any sense?

Who knows, I could be really off on this, but maybe there's just a smidgen of truth in there...right? If not, consider this a rambling post.

Sometimes I opt for Buddy Land

I went home on my lunch break to discover that not only had NTR commented on about 13 photos of me (on Facebook) but he also sent me a message. Which is sitting there right next to my latest message from Basketball Man (we won't be shortening that nickname to initials). Okay, one at a time, I understand.

NTR - 13 photos and the things he had to say didn't even make sense. I think he may or may not have had a lobotomy at some point. After reading his comments (like moth to a flame, a person leaves a comment I have to read them) I go to the message and he asks me for advice or an honest opinion or something like that about why he can't seem to get a girlfriend and he doesn't understand the whole loneliness bit. Hi, I've been lonely a whole lot longer so cry me a river. I didn't respond.

Before I left home to come back to work I get a message from B2, he says, "Hey, I noticed that NTR is really trying to be your friend. Good luck with that." Anyone else I would have immediately jumped down their throats about that, but I can't tell with B2 if it's meant to be mean. Something tells me he might really mean the "Good luck with that" part.

Basketball Man on the other hand went from being a nice guy I wanted to be friends with to my new stalker. It's just annoying now and I hold firm to the belief that annoying people don't realize they are being annoying. Not that I even think he is annoying, I'm trying to remember him the way he was when I last saw him in person. Normal, nice, good three point shot. It's difficult to see at this point. My last response to him (regarding the "what else do you do for fun" and "what is your favorite type of movie") I told him that I liked all different types of movies and it depended on the actual movie itself, I steered away from the movie idea and took it towards music (a friend topic) by stating that I am the same way with music. I ignored the "what else do you do for fun" question as I saw that as irrelevant.

Then he wrote back telling me that rap and R&B are his favorite types of music...I may be open minded but out of all the genres that's the one with the least number of favorites. Then he tells me how he likes a lot of movies and he has a huge movie collection, some of which he's never even seen (I feel certain that while I have a burgeoning movie collection I have, in fact, seen all of them). Then drops in the line, "I just wish I had someone to watch them with." Another statement/question for me to pretend I didn't notice. Then he asked what my work schedule is like...is there any way for me to derail this? The only good news is that I don't have free time. I already concluded that getting an even number of dates this year was out of my reach due to lack of time and overabundance of activity. I'm already double booked for Friday and I don't say it to sound like I'm so pretty and popular (Josie and the Pussycats) but because everyone always tries to cram everything in to the last few weeks of the year as though there is nothing beyond December 31st (guilty as charged, I'm as bad as the rest of them). Plus I am working the next two weekends and the other two I'm not because I already have plans. Even if I wanted a date I couldn't have one (though if TDH jr. asked me I bet I could rearrange my schedule pretty quickly). I just don't want to write him back now because even though my busy-ness is all honest and true I know it will sound like I'm trying to avoid it (which I am, but still). Does that make sense?

Anyway, so I get back to work from my lunch break and am in a strange mood. I trudged up the stairs with a dizzying headache, I sat down to find I had no motivation to work, I'm trying to think if it's all so bad that I should move, but like pseudo boyfriend told me on Friday night, people are the same no matter where you go. If I attract them here, I will attract them there.

I log on to my work computer and have a couple e-mails, one from this kid at work who is super nice and we talk sometimes, but it's not like we are fantastic friends or anything. So he has an education question he asks if he fails an exam does he have to repay the company for the cost. I wrote back and said that he wouldn't for the first exam but he would need to pay for the retest. He writes back asking how much that is and before I have a response for him he writes back again saying he found it on the website ($200+ for the retest). Then he says, "That is going to suck, because I am probably going to fail on Friday." Here I was thinking that he had taken it earlier this week or today even and thought he had failed but he hadn't even taken it! So here is what I wrote back:

"I thought you were asking because you had taken it and failed, but I know now that you’re just a raging optimist (that’s sarcastic by the way)."

Remember, I rarely talk to this guy, but he caught me in a sarcastic mood. I added a smiley face at the end to ensure he knew it was friendly sarcasm. But I couldn't help but wonder what his initial reaction was since I always seem so quiet. A conversation ensued and for almost an hour I went between blogging and responding to his e-mails. It was fun, and the kind of thing I needed after the rough morning/afternoon I was having, it helped to get me out of the funk I was in, and now I only have an hour left of work. And tomorrow is technically my Friday since I am taking the real Friday off. This week is already going by more smoothly than last week, even though it still has it's gaping potholes along the way.

Venting

I need a place to vent.

I need to move really. I've got Chris (basketball man) constantly e-mailing me, slowly leading me towards a question I don't want to be headed towards (asking me out). Then there is NTR who just won't let up and then despite the fact that I told him he can't come to me with his problems he sent me a message today asking me for advice on girls. Dude, I will not be your therapist I'm already screwed up enough as it is. NTR also decided to comment on about 13 of my photos today on Facebook...all within the same hour. So B2 thinks it would be funny to send me a message about my "new friend", NTR. Ha. Ha. My sides are splitting. (Sarcasm). I'm reading The Serial Killers Club and surprisingly it makes me want to connect with someone, it makes me feel lonely in way and I didn't think that this book would do it. I also hate the narrator, I hope I'm meant to hate him because I do. He's cocky, self-righteous and doesn't seem to realize how annoying he is. But I guess annoying people never notice how annoying they are.

But that's not what I need to privately vent about. What I need to privately vent about is that people just let me down, they always do and I'm wondering if there is anyway that I can avoid having that happen. because when people let you down, they disappoint you and no matter how hard you try you're still disappointed, you're still a smidgen upset. I don't want to be disappointed in people. I don't want to care about it that much.

Bull was supposed to help me out tomorrow and I e-mailed her on Monday to double check that she still could and she didn't e-mail me back, until today, after I contacted her sister to see if she was still alive. The e-mail was negative, which I prepared myself for after the first 24 hours of not hearing back from her. She's swamped, just got thrown on her today. It's fine to be busy, it's fine to have to back out, it's not fine to lie to me and I'm pretty good at being able to tell when I'm hearing an excuse that isn't completely truthful. Yes, she may be swamped at work, but she knew about it before today.

It's not like it's even a big deal, I'll make the stuff tonight for tomorrow and it's not a big deal. It's almost better that I am doing it, but how am I supposed to respond to that e-mail? I'm supposed to lie of course, because being polite involves some sort of lie every now and then.

Also, I think like a guy, I'm not here to listen to your problem just for the sake of letting you get it off your chest, I'm thinking, "Okay, now how can we fix this?" I try not to think that way, but I can't help it, I'm not good with sympathy.

Awkward Moments Define My Life

I don't feel like working right now so I am going to blog instead. So here's the update with the male species:

There is this guy that I play basketball with who is super nice, but I only see him as a friend. This past week he found me on Facebook and when I confirmed him as a friend he immediately started to write me. Started out simple enough but then he kept going, asking more questions about me. What do I like to do for fun, what did I study in college, etc. Red lights have been flashing for a while so I try to just answer the questions but not ramble like I sometimes do. Like I said, he's a super nice guy, so I don't want to be rude or seem like an ego-maniac by assuming that he likes me; but I also don't want to ignore that I think he might and end up in an awkward situation (like I usually do by pretending I don't see it). It's just complicated, if that makes any sense. Anyway, his latest questions were, "what else do you like to do for fun? What are your favorite types of movies?" I don't like these questions, to me, these are "Date idea" kind of questions. These are almost as bad as when the person seems to agree with you on everything like the two of you are so compatible. Newsflash for anyone out there, I don't want someone who is just like me...I annoy myself, so what good is it going to do you to have all the same interest? Sorry, detour.

Then there is NTR, not that he's a problem, he just makes for interesting stories. Friday night we had a semi formal dance with people from all over the region for church. It was fun, though I rarely danced and I talked to the same person most of the night (details/explanation to follow). NTR kept coming up to me and telling me that I looked nice, my dress was pretty, I looked like a beautiful hourglass...yup, that's right, a beautiful hourglass. Can't say I've heard that one before. However, I was able to mostly avoid any situations with him that night. Last night he was over at our house because we hosted FHE (Family Home Evening). He came up to me, told me I looked nice (I'm not going to shoot down compliments, but don't do the elevator eyes when you give them). I told him thank you, and then he continues a conversation that should have died ages ago. It was the one about how I'm not like other girls, well, it's the one where he pretty much said I wasn't like a girl. Which got him in a lot of trouble. So he tries to explain himself, and I feel like telling him that I don't like to talk about how much I'm apparently not like a girl. We did end up agreeing that it wasn't that I'm not a like a girl, but that in addition to being like a girl I also do things that most girls don't (apparently playing bball with the boys counts as one). So hopefully that topic of conversation is finished. Then he goes on about how I'm the kind of girl he can come to with his problems, etc. etc. even though I remember telling him that he couldn't. Then for some random reason he says, "You know, I used to have a crush on you but then I found out how old you were." I could have taken offense, instead I gave a prayer of gratitude for the age barrier. I just nodded my head and agreed that I was old and silently prayed that he would drop it or get distracted and walk away. Which, I think he finally did, either that or I walked away, can't remember.

So Friday night, the one person I pretty much talked to the whole time was this kid I know from Institute. I wanted to throw this in there for those of you who saw us talking most of the night and wondered what was going on. Nothing. That's it. Nothing is going on - I think he is a cool guy but there are a few problems: first, he is dating my friend, secondly he is 18, thirdly - 1 and 2 should be all the reason I need. His girlfriend wanted to dance, he wasn't really feeling it so I stayed and talked to him so he wouldn't be alone. It didn't stop me from dancing off of the dance floor and forcing him to dance a little, but I felt weird just abandoning him. Anywho - I just wanted to clear it up because several people came up to me and were asking me who my "boyfriend" was.

I just want TDH jr. to love me...can anyone get me that for Christmas? I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

What League am I Playing In?

Waiting to fall in love is like waiting to see a pot of water begin to boil. If you keep your eye on it then it seems to take longer, but if you take your eyes off it and start to work on other things suddenly it's boiling before you know it.

I would like to say that I am writing this because I have fallen in love, but sadly I am writing as a person who can't seem to take their eyes off the pot. It's not as though the rest of my life isn't continuing, it is, but at the same time it's fringed with the desire to be desired.

I'm growing frustrated with the fact that I can't seem to say anything to TDH Jr. I don't think I've ever clammed up this badly. It's annoying and self destructive. I find I can barely make eye contact with him or even ask him a question directly. Last night after basketball he was hanging out a little behind everyone else and I was walking through the door with my friend and I couldn't ask him if he was coming, I asked my friend if he was. He's a totally nice guy, he talks to everyone and even though I see him talking to other people and I decide that I can do it, when he's there I just can't. I'm retarded, malfunctioning, debilitated. I feel it's mostly due to The Village theory (a theory I got from the movie "The Village") sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them. Why? Why are we like that? More specifically why am I like that?

The other day my roommate asked about leagues. You know, when someone says, "She's out of your league" or something like that. She wanted to know if the guys she liked were out of her league. It got me thinking, because I had never thought about it before, what my league is. I hate to report that I still don't know, and I think League placement has to be left to a third party. You can't know your own league, it's just impossible, unless of course, you actually date. But even then your perception of your league may be off, what if you're out of their league? You're playing in the minors when you could be playing in the majors. It goes the other way though too, the traditional way when a kind hearted friend says, "Dude, you're overreaching."

I wonder if my friends would have the honesty and the brazenness to say, "Dude, you're overreaching" (especially concerning my intense interest in TDH jr). I would also like some assistance from those who know me and don't care about being kind to me (because really, what good would that do) to help me build a list of people who are in my "league" so I can adjust "my type" to fit people I can actually attain in this life, because if I am over reaching then this whole falling in love, boiling pot of water thing may never happen for me.

I think tomorrow I'll post a compilation of songs that make me want to fall in love...and then I'll remove every single one from my iTunes so that I can take my eyes off the placid water and be busy until it's ready to get going.

Bad Day

This morning my dog got out...yet again. I will spare you (maybe just myself) the details of how he got out on this particular occurrence. Just know that he did, and with 2 minutes before I had to leave for work I was chasing him down the street, fingers paralyzed from the cold and holding a bucket of his favorite treats in my hands (or sometimes tucked under my arms). There are certain times when he gets out (i.e. after dark) where I decide it's better just to let him go. But while the sun is shining I have to make it look like I care enough, so I chase him as much as I can, usually catching him with the help of a neighbor kid, or on one occasion a very scared, angry, old man (this is the main reason I try to catch him...if someone is going to kill my dog it's going to be me not some stranger).

So this morning I chased him for about a block and then said tired and annoyed called out, "Screw you!"...hoping no neighbors heard that. I walked back to my house, fuming, the longer I walked the angrier I became. I got back to the house, grabbed my stuff for work and got in the car. I honestly think I would have driven straight to work and let that dumb dog fend for himself today. When I pulled the car out of the driveway I can see the floppy ears of crap for brains bouncing up and down as he galloped towards the house like I would even still want him. I backed the car up (though I felt like running him over) and got out of the car already talking to him. I asked him what even made him think I still wanted him? Then I walked towards the backyard and he goes to the back door and I tell him he's not going inside. He didn't put up a fight going into his kennel but the damage was done, I didn't love him anymore.


So I drive to work in a sour mood and I'm 15 minutes late, I don't like being late. First thing when I sit down there is a voicemail from an employee, he has some questions about open enrollment forms. I talk to messages by the way, I don't know if you knew that, but if you want to hear my real, honest answer you have to listen in when I listen to your voicemail. He asks me if I can just fill out a form for him...uh...no. Then he asks if he has to fill out all of another form. That would be yes. Out of his three questions only the third didn't tick me off. I wait on calling him back and when I finally do I get a voicemail, so I try to sound as nice as possible since voice mails can be saved for evidence.

Then I get to run downstairs for the world's most boring meeting. I get to sit in four of these, and have now gone through 2. This is the worst week ever. While we are in the meeting Boss Lady realizes that a form that we have in packets we are sending out to former employees is wrong. I stayed at work an hour and a half late last night trying to get these packets ready to go out today and now I have to go upstairs and make sure that they aren't in the mail. Then we have to open them without destroying the envelope because of all the work to get the envelopes ready (certifieds have stickers and paperwork all over them). We take out the old paper, put in the new one and reseal (usually with scotch tape).

In the meantime people keep calling with random questions. They have their open enrollment paper work due Friday, they have 401k meetings this week and there's Angel Tree due Thursday. I'm in essentially in charge of all that, so everyone calls me. The phone and me don't normally get along so on a bad day it's even worse.

My least favorite thing are the last minute people. They did it with the open enrollment meetings and now they are doing it again with the 401k meetings. The, "I'm not sure if I signed up but can you sign me off for such and such time?" Hello...the meetings have already started. By putting in a time in the e-mail rather than checking it's no longer a "I'm not sure if I signed up situation" but rather an, "I didn't feel it important to sign up beforehand, could we do it now." Leave out the "I don't think I signed up part" if you want to stay in my good graces. Part of me feels like saying, "Nope, you'll have to study out the new plan on your own. Should have responded when the e-mail was sent out two weeks ago!" Of course there are also those people who respond to the reminder e-mail and say, "I was out yesterday so I didn't get this e-mail until just now." Way to rat yourself out that you didn't bother to read the first one. My life would be easier if people would just get their life's straight. Respond to an e-mail that says there is a mandatory meeting when you get the e-mail, go to the meeting you signed up for, don't switch meetings without talking to me, there is a 40 person max in the training room and you've just kicked someone out of a meeting they signed up for two weeks ago. Don't show up to a meeting if you never signed up for one (I know who is suppose to be there ding bat). It's just rude and inconsiderate and I know it should be a big deal but it is, not only because it's a job that has been given to me but because we can't have people coming and going to these things when they feel like it because there are people who are following the rules and they deserve to be able to go to their pick of meetings. Know what I mean?

Tomorrow I will be in a good mood. I hope.

WE ALL ARE MORMONS....by Rabbi Shifren
We are living in an era of insanity! Witness the latest attempt to remakethe nature of our country, founded and established on certain principles thathave been the envy of the entire world. The latest assault on our country andits values comes in the form of vicious and criminal violence against the Mormonchurch in Westwood, California
Interesting how the selective self-righteous indignation on the part ofthe radical Gay activists is played out here: they bewail the blow to freedomand justice! But I thought we just had elections, where the majority ofCalifornians expressed their views in a free and open manner. Are we not anation of laws? Dare we relive the McCarthy era, where Americans were harassedand threatened with the loss of their jobs for believing in a certain way? Ifthe Gay radicals should have their way, untold numbers of Americans would liveunder the threat of the Gay-Lesbian "thought police," whereindividuals that reject the Gay lifestyle would be sought out and have sanctionsbrought against them.
It's bad enough for those working in the entertainment industry herein Los Angeles, where a fog of political correctness and a bending overbackwards to accommodate, even promote Gay lifestyle is in full gear. Let nonedare say that this type of activity is anathema to our country, our morality,and the debauchery of our young people.
Let it be stated unequivocally: The radical Gay attack on the Mormons isthe shot over the bow against the United States of America. There was a timewhen what a man did in his bedroom was sanctified between himself and God. Nowwe are being served an "in-your-face" smorgasbord of smut andlicentiousness as being between people who only "want their civilrights."
Hogwash! We are dealing with the equivalent of a moral takeover of thecountry that has as its bedrock a belief in God and His promise for humanity.They don't want civil rights! What they desire is quasi Gay/Lesbianhegemony, where a huge "bookburning, " reminiscent of the Nazis, willpurge any remnants of the "Christian, White, mainstream America" thathas given ALL AMERICANS the most profound scope of freedom, liberty, and justicethat Mankind has yet to experience.
People have perhaps wondered: why the Mormons? Answer: they are a small,yet vocal Christian minority. They have been selected by the mobs as vulnerable,a group that might not have such massive support among America's Christians.
We who are friends of the Mormons, their patriotism, their family values,will not falter in our continued support of these dear Americans. Let us recallthe Christian minister Niemoller, whose admonition during those dark years ofNazi Germany moved us to our core:

"When they came for the gypsies, I said nothing, because I wasn'ta gypsy. When they came for the homosexuals, I said nothing, because Iwasn't a homosexual. When they came for the Jews, I said nothing, because Iwasn't a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I said nothing, becauseI wasn't a Catholic.... ..then they came for me, and there was no one left todefend me."

My brains probably look like a bowl of oatmeal.

Sometimes I really hate my job, and it's never the regular stuff that I'm doing, it's the extra stuff that stressed me out.

This week was Open Enrollment for our company, so despite my best efforts to get ahead of the game, I am just a peon and the work waited and waited until Friday afternoon. I would have liked to have everything done by Friday afternoon, but whatever. So when I hurt my foot last Thursday and went to the doctor Friday morning, calling out sick was not an option for me. My boss wanted it to be one, but I saw the reality of the situation. I wouldn't be able to walk much but I couldn't sit at home knowing that two people would be trying to piece together 172 notebooks. So from my crutches and my leather conference room seats (one for my foot and one for my derriere) I became supervisor, or overlord as I prefer it. I told them where the forms should go and made sure that no one messed anything up. I stayed an hour late too but Boss lady finally had her way and sent me home. I insisted that I was fine, my foot wasn't even bothering me, but she insisted that since all the covers were in the binders I would just get in the way (gee...thanks).

Monday night (sans crutches because really, it wasn't a big deal) I stayed until 7:00 p.m. stuffing the rest of the notebooks (or rather, putting in all the paper we didn't have on Monday.) This is my second year with Open Enrollment, I knew that no matter what typos would arise, document shortages would occur, and as we like to call them - step children (by definition, those notebooks that are missing sheets of information because either the broker didn't send enough or we ran out of the type of paper the information was printed on) would happen. Exciting, thrilling, exhilarating huh?

The meetings began Tuesday morning. My job was to bring the envelopes for each employee signed up for the meeting, set up chairs, place a notebook in each chair, take attendance and then learn the most I could about the benefits being offered this year. Easy enough. In the first class a woman noticed a typo. That's great, so Boss lady being a perfectionist (not a bad thing but out of 172 notebooks maybe 5 people would have noticed that) we printed off more, quickly tore out old sheets and put in new ones before the afternoon meeting and then I got the lovely job of walking around to the people in the morning class delivering the new sheet. No one noticed anything different and everyone had smart-a remarks which I tried to appreciate rather than roll my eyes. Because you know, we should laugh when things happen rather than waste the energy of annoyance.

Dang-it...that revelation just a millisecond ago is really going to detract from the venting. I hate when good and pure thoughts enter my mind in the middle of a rant.

Ugh...so the next morning another typo was found, a far bigger one than the one on Tuesday. We corrected it and changed it in the notebooks for the afternoon but nothing was said about my making a trip to each and every employee that had been in the first three meetings, and I didn't bring it up. The odd thing is, I'm in Human Resources but I really don't like people all that much. I like the people who I interact with on a more regular basis, but suddenly interacting with 40 employees that I don't always talk to is not my favorite thing and I usually walked away from each interaction rolling my eyes (at myself, not necessary at them).

Pointed out in the last meeting was a smaller typo on the sheet that first had a typo. We still haven't told Boss Lady about that. Boss lady is taking a day off today...good idea.

So we have two employees that don't work in Virginia and we have 4 employees who are sick or on short term disability so we needed to mail their information to them. I won't even get into the intricacies of that pain in the butt, but I had the packets almost ready to seal and send when I got the envelopes with postage on them so that the people could send their information back to us, one person had come in to the office so I had given the receptionist seven envelopes to meter and now I only needed 6. I called her to see if she had already done it and when I found out she hadn't I told her to just meter 6 not 7. She brought back the 7 and had done it correctly (only 6 metered). I started to put the envelopes into the packets and seal them. When I got to the last one I saw that I had one envelope left and it was metered. I wondered if 7 had gotten postage or if 6 had and one of the 5 sealed packets behind me contained the rogue envelope. I shut down at that point, I didn't move, I just stared at the packet in front of me. Finally I decided that I thought I knew which one had it and if I was right then I could just get a new shipping packet, print a new label, and do it right. I cut it open, pulled out the envelope and my heart dropped to see that it was metered.

I taped it back up, hoping UPS wouldn't say anything about it. I turned the packet over and shook it just to make sure that in the rough delivery process it wouldn't come out....at least not easily. I cut off a smaller amount on the top of the next one, metered envelope, I grabbed the envelope on the opposite end of my pile and it had a metered envelope. It was the next one I found the blank envelope in (yes, I kicked myself because I could have cut open 3 rather than 4). I have now sent them off to their respective places and hope that by this time next year I'm either in a new career or have an assistant because my patience can't take that kind of stuff again.

Before the meetings were even over I was scheduling 401k meetings (that's special and new for this year because we are changing our provider and don't yet have the information, so in two weeks I get to do this again). I have people's paperwork to organize and record but the spreadsheet doesn't make any sense and I'm trying to keep track of the Angel Tree. I just don't want to be here today.

I know in retrospect and to the outside reader it probably doesn't look like much, but this is the kind of work that leaves your brain feeling like mush by the end of the week, and my brain feels like mush. I still have to go to the courthouse today to become a Notary Public (p.s. I don't even want to be one). Anyway, that's my story. I could share with you basketball last night (yes I played and no I'm not crippled today) but it's probably more boring than this post...though it does involve boys, one of my favorite topics, so maybe if I'm still bored this afternoon I'll write a post about it.

The Perilous Times In Which We Live But the Reasons to be Optimistic

A lot has been going on in the world since election day and I haven't even been paying much attention to the news surrounding Barack Obama or Sarah Palin's wardrobe. That news is of no concern to me. Things that are getting my attention are things that are in fact being somewhat ignored (though not completely) by the news. The country (or rather the media) trains it's eyes on Washington and President Elect Barack Obama, while turning it's back on California and Proposition 8.

This site has a large collection of news articles, some of which never showed up on the MSN.com homepage or a news feed that I have on my computer.

Michelle Malkin is a blog that I have recently come to have a lot of respect for, this is an entry she had concerning "the insane rage" as she called it, of the gay rights protest after Election Day.

The saddest part to me is that rather than reporting the news the media seems to report what they want us to see. They are like magicians in that respect. Most of my information comes from other blogs and Internet news, which doesn't have a guarantee attached to it, but if you see it from my view neither does the regular news. To not tell the truth, even if it is just to stay silent, is to me a lie. To pretend it isn't happening, is a lie and a disservice to the American people.

Here are several articles and blogs that I have read lately.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1283903,gay-marriage-mormons111708.article
LDS churches being vandalised

Burning of the Book of Mormon in front of an LDS chapel.

Investigators found no signs of forced entry, and authorities don't believe the case is a hate crime. That would be because according to the article the fire was in the front doors of the Temple, how can there be forced entry when it is at the doorsteps? When the Ku Klux Klan burned crosses on or near someones home there was no forced entry either, but does that change that it was an intimidation tactic? Does it change that it was a hate crime? No. But it was not considered a hate crime because the term "hate crime" didn't enter our vernacular until the 1980's as reported by fbi.gov. Also on that same site it states, "Crimes of hatred and prejudice-from lynchings to cross burnings to vandalism of synagogues". Almost 3 decades hasn't helped the term to evolve in the people's minds to it's true definition.

"A hate crime , also known as a bias crime, is a criminal offense committed against a person, property, or society which is motivated, in whole or in part, by the offender's bias against a race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, or ethnicity/national origin."

So I suppose when it comes to two protected classes the lawmakers must decide who is really to blame, and right now they are disappointing me in their obvious favoritism despite the cold, hard evidence of hate crimes being performed.

Mormons are not the only ones under attack. According to this article, "analysts report that the marriage measures would not have passed without black voter support - seven in 10 black voters supported the ballot initiative." Hmm...another protected class - let the barbarianism begin, or should I say continue? This article/blog reports that at a protest a gay black man was accosted by the white protesters simply on the basis that he was black. He writes, "This was stupid for them to single us out because we were carrying those blue NO ON PROP 8 signs! I pointed that out and the one of the older men said it didn't matter because "most black people hated gays" and he was "wrong" to think we had compassion. That was the most insulting thing I had ever heard."

But I've digressed, not to sound like the attack on the African American community isn't important to me, because I feel it is important, it's not right for this hatred to spill over on to anyone just for standing up for what they believe is right.

Members of the church even seem to be pitted against each other. Some disagree with voting Yes on Prop 8 despite The Family: A Proclamation to the World and it's first lines being "We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God..." 1995 that was released and not just to members of the church but to the world.


Less than halfway through this video I found that I was openly crying, yet, I couldn't stop watching. It's like a car accident in that respect, you tell yourself you won't look but you can't help yourself. I kept crying through about 3 minutes of it and near the end I thought, "No unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing." I don't have the whole quote memorized so I took the liberty of looking it up. Here it is in it's entirety.

“The Standard of Truth has been erected. No unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing. Persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame. But the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and dependent till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, until the purposes of God shall be accomplished and the Great Jehovah will say, ‘The work is done.'” (History of the church)

Those words brought me great hope in a moment of complete despair. One thing I have always treasured has been the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and it has always upset me when I have heard, seen, or read about the church being under attack. I find the actions of the small percent of rebelling gay rights activist disturbing and barbaric and completely working against their cause.

Attorney Brad Dacus, president of the Pacific Justice Institute, said in a prepared statement he believes the ongoing vandalism and protests will backfire. “Californians are among the most tolerant people in the world,” said Dacus. “They are also not stupid, and they deliberately rejected forced acceptance of gay marriage, while leaving in place domestic partnerships and a host of other special rights based for homosexuals. The hatred and intimidation we are seeing right now from gay activists could set their movement back years. If anything, they are convincing a lot of Californians that we did the right thing by not caving in to their demands.”

This article from Catholic.Org is pretty detailed, including the account of the Hispanic women who were beaten by the crowd for removing the hateful signs from the Temple grounds. The women are not even LDS and yet they took a beating from the mob to remove these signs that they didn't feel should be placed there.

And now the state of California is investigating the aid given by the church towards the gay marriage ban. Read the article here.

"They tolerate everything that's bad, and they're intolerant of everything that's good. Religious freedom is going to go down the drain, too. I've never seen it worse than this, where the Constitution literally is hanging by a thread." (Senator Orrin Hatch)

I believe we live in a time when we need to take a stand for what we believe in. I know of many people who say, "I don't agree with what they are doing, but who are we to deny them the right to marriage?" Who are they to deny me the constitutional right of my vote meaning something in a democratic nation?

Those fence sitters who don't agree with gay marriage will allow it to happen because they feel ashamed for "denying" them the rights of marriage. Shame is a funny thing, it's like air in a way, if there is an object in a room full of air the air is displaced because air and that object can't exist in the exact same space. If one party refuses to own up to the shame they have they must put it on someone else. It's a tricky thing, it happened with the sexual revolution. The shame was once on the loose girl, now it is on chaste one. The girl who has sexual hang-ups or is waiting for marriage is considered a prude, is made to feel ashamed of their decision, made to feel like something is wrong with them if they are still a virgin. I'm not going to ever feel ashamed of supporting Proposition 8 (though they didn't vote on it in Virginia I was still in support of). Though "persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame" I will stand strong for what I believe in.

I've given up a lot of things because of the silent majority. Why they must feel ashamed simply on the basis that many others believe the same way is beyond me. There should be hope, comfort, and safety in numbers. Rather there is shame and guilt. "Why not let them have this one thing?" Brings to mind the Edmund Burke quote “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

If something goes against what you believe then I feel that you are held to defend it! We have become too complacent in our lives, we give up the things we believe in too easily. Not this blogger, I will not give up my beliefs (which include but are not limited to that marriage is ordained of God and is between a man and woman.) To allow gay marriage is to trample on a scared ordinance from God, any Christian should be appalled at the thought of offending their God, they let their fear of men guide their actions and fear is the arch Nemesis of faith.

In Doctrine and Covenants 3:6-8 it says, "And behold, how oft you have transgressed the commandments and the laws of God, and have gone on in the persuasions of men. For, behold, you should not have feared man more than God. Although men set at naught the counsels of God, and despise his words--yet, you should have been faithful; and he would have extended his arm and supported you against all the fiery darts of the adversary; and he would have been with you in every time of trouble."

These words were said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, but I think they are applicable to us. We must never fear man more than we fear God. What can man do to us that could exceed what God can do for us? Being faithful and righteous doesn't mean that everything will always work in our favor, it doesn't mean that life will be easy, in some cases it will be more difficult. And having life being difficult or being considered intolerant of others seem to be the worst things people could think of. "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." You can't serve the world at the same time that you serve the Lord. Choose you this day whom ye will serve.

Who is to say that we will not find ourselves in times similar to those of Captain Moroni when he rent his coat and made the Title of Liberty? "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children" (vs. 12).

Alma 48:17, "Yea, verily, verily I say until you, if all men had been and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men." I think that it is time for more Captain Moroni's.

I'm not going to ever forget the persecutions, the murders, the mobs, and the hatred that the early church went through, I don't have to have pioneer ancestors to appreciate the sacrifices by countless people who had no examples of past heroics, no history to draw on for comfort, just their faith to guide them through. They did all of it because they believed that it was right, they did it so that I could have the gospel. They are amazing examples to me of standing up for what you believe, even in the face of fear, beatings, and for some, death. I don't know if it will be expected of me to do anything similar to what they had to do, but if it is I'm willing to do it.

Boyd K. Packer said of our children, "They will see many events transpire in the course of their lifetime. Some of these shall tax their courage and extend their faith. But if they seek prayerfully for help and guidance, they shall be given power over adverse things. Such trials shall not be permitted to stand in the way of their progress, but instead shall act as stepping-stones to greater knowledge...We must not ignore Moroni’s words when he saw our day and said, “Ye [must] awake to a sense of your awful situation” (Ether 8:24)." And finally when he said, "I do not fear the future." Despite everything that is happening, I find that I do not fear the future, and I'm indeed grateful for that.

Chivalry is Not Dead

It's just changed.

Last night was my "meeting" with NTR, which really I don't know if we ever talked about what he wanted to talk about. I went to play basketball and we played for two hours and then afterwards we talked, but I'll just go ahead and get into the story rather than giving you the summary.


Basketball went pretty well, I have to say I played really well. I'm a little proud of myself today for how hard I played and how well I played. Even the boys were saying that I was playing really well. Just have to throw that in there since usually I am sucking it up. In the first game we played I went to move to the left and my right foot did something funny and I heard a crackling sound. I had trouble moving my foot at first but I walked it off and then went back to play several more games. My foot slowly began to stiffen after we were done playing and then this morning I could barely stand on it. I went to Patient First and got an X-ray and crutches. It's not broken, it's really no big deal, but I didn't want any of you who will see me this weekend to be surprised by the sight of me on crutches.


Okay, back to NTR. After we finished playing the boys decided that they wanted to go to Wal-Mart and get Limeades, apparently it is tradition though I think they have only gone once. So, having carpooled, I went along for the ride. But we were waiting outside of the church building until everyone is ready to go. NTR starts to tell me that it could never work out between us because I could beat him up. Oh darn...I think to myself. Then he says that he wouldn't want a girlfriend that could beat him up. Then he kept going saying he really wouldn't want a girlfriend that he was afraid of. Again - oh darn (sarcastic). So then he tries to explain his "You don't act like a girl" comment and dug himself deeper in the hole. He started to tell me that it was just that he could easily talk to me, and he can't easily talk to girls (not my problem) and that he felt like I was the kind of person he could go to and talk about his girl problems. I looked him right in the eye and said, "No you can't, cause I don't care about your girl problems." Why would I care about a guy's girl problems? Do they care about my guy problems? No. I'm through with being the buddy with people, even when it's guys I have absolutely no interest in, I refuse to be the sounding board for pathetic girl problems that they don't really want advice on because if they did they would take the advice. So you know what? The factory closed down, advice and sympathy are no longer in production. So I tell them I have to go to the bathroom and I'll be going to the ladies bathroom.

Einstein (the smartest kid I know and the guy who drives me to basketball each week) had been telling NTR to stop digging himself in a hole. When I came back outside NTR was giving Einstein a choke hold hug and Einstein was telling him to let go. Then NTR gets all up in my face (literally, I'm not even just trying to talk like, "he was all up in my grill" kind of talk, he really was all up in my face) and he's talking to me about who knows what and Einstein walks over to the car and opens my door. I thank him and get in the car. Einstein is telling NTR that we aren't going to wait around for the others, we'll meet them at Wal-Mart. NTR gets up in my doorway and is talking to Einstein and kind of ticking him off and I interrupt to say something and NTR says, "Don't interrupt the men are talking." To which I gave him the silent treatment and Einstein told him we were really leaving. I could tell it upset Einstein and it bothered me a little, but not a whole lot....though I'm thinking it should have. NTR says goodbye to the others in the car and tries to say goodbye to me but he's getting the silent treatment so he closes the door but the only way NTR knows how to close doors is by slamming them. He wasn't angry, he's just like a little boy who is too strong for his own good.

So we go over to Wal-Mart and go stand by the limeade waiting for the others. Then we can hear NTR before we see anyone and Einstein looks at me and apologizes that we are about to have another NTR encounter.

I survive it and Little Brother (just the most adorable, wonderful person I know, but he's younger, shorter, and a bit too weird for me) offers to buy me a limeade because I didn't bring money with me. Then we're walking up to the register as a large group but with many different little conversations going on and Einstein is next to Little Brother and I know that they are talking about what happened in the parking lot. So when it's just me and Little Brother he turns to me and he asks me if I was okay. I got a little choked up because I always do when someone sincerely asks me if I'm okay. I did the tough girl routine that I always do (and need to get rid of) and waved it off saying it didn't bother me that much and Little Brother said, "It bothers me." Which, to me is one of the sweetest things a guy can say. It did begin to bother me after that, because I shouldn't be spoken to that way, even in joking. It meant a lot to me that these guys had an understanding of that because I feel like a lot of the times we write off the boys as less than they are. I know my old roommate does that. These are fantastic guys that are around us, really fantastic guys.

Oh and I didn't even mention that after the last basketball game I went into the kitchen to get paper towels and clean off my leg because it was bleeding pretty badly and TDH jr. came in to see if I was okay, he saw the blood and wanted to make sure I was okay. Just love me. I mean, I did the stupid tough girl thing and said I was okay (which I was, it was no big deal) but I should have been more like, "Oh, could you come and help me?" But I just don't think that quickly.

Point being, these guys care more than they are given credit for and I think any girl would be lucky to have any one of them and I'm sick and tired of girls who keep saying that these boys are less than the amazing guys that they are. That they act stupid, treat girls badly, and such, just because they don't ask you out doesn't mean they lack character, in some instances they are better people just for not asking certain girls at church out. But I'm not getting in to that. I'm renewing my advocacy for the male species...there's a lot of hope for them, especially when they are more aware of how I should be treated than I am.

Just wanted to share my tale of chivalry, sans knights and fiery dragons...or even life saving events.

Welcome to my world!

Word of the Day: Doctrinaire - stubbornly insistent on the application of a theory without regard to practicality.

Hey, 5 followers, yea! Granted one of them is actually just me, but 5 is better than 4 so I stay. I just want to thank all of those who have decided to click on the little "Follow this blog" link. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have been most munificent towards me. The impact you have on my self esteem as well as on my Internet blogging dreams has been incalculable. (Hint, hint to those who read regularly but do not click).

Oops, shameless self advertising.

Which came first the Dictator or the Dictatorship?

I am making my own form of government. Well, at least my own way that work should be run. In the course of coming up with a name for my government I have pondered how Dictatorships came to be. Not the political background, just the word. Was there first the word Dictator so therefore the government they had was called a Dictatorship. Or was there a dictatorship and the person who ruled was called a Dictator? (Have I lost anyone yet? Oh...everyone?? My bad!)

It all began when my cohorts and I went to lunch (this included Boss Lady). I have a format to how I eat lunch - first you eat the food that does not reheat well (i.e. french fries) and lastly you eat the food that makes good leftovers (i.e. chicken fingers). So at lunch Boss Lady assumed that I did not enjoy my chicken fingers because I had not touched them and I had to explain to her my order to things. It is sometimes impossible to finish a full meal when you go out to eat, you never know when your stomach is not stretched and up for the challenge, so you must make every preparation possible. The fries are nasty reheated, so they must always be the first to be consumed.

Having explained that to them I felt compelled to inform them that there are proper ways to eat other foods, such as; Swiss cake rolls, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, Twix bars, Butterfingers, etc. (all of which I no longer eat). Then I informed Boss Lady that should I ever be "forced" to conduct interviews one of my decision making questions would be, "How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?" I think that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they savour their candy.

Since curiosity is probably eating away at you right now here are the proper ways to eat the aforementioned items.

The Swiss Cake Roll

First you peel off the layer of chocolate, then you unroll the Swiss cake roll and either eat it as a sheet or lick off the white creme first - depending on what mood you are in. Once you have finished you begin over at step one.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup - First you nibble off the perfect little chocolate edges, then you peel the top chocolate layer and savor. If you're truly talented you then peel off the thin bottom layer, if you're not that talented don't sweat it. Once the chocolate has been removed stick the remaining peanut butter disc of perfection into your mouth and let sit for a few seconds before chewing.

The Twix Bar

First (as is customary with chocolate confections) you nibble off as much chocolate as you can. Then you consume the caramel (sometimes using your teeth to scrape it off the cookie delight remaining.) One all chocolate and caramel has been removed you stick the remaining cookie core in your mouth and bite in quick succession slowly pushing the cookie forward until it is completely disintegrated inside your mouth. Chew and enjoy.

The Butterfinger

This one is easy and probably has less mess. You pick off all the chocolate with your teeth and then you eat the peanut butter bar. However, die hard Butterfinger consumers pick the peanut butter bar into flakes (with their teeth, fingers get too messy). Thus savoring the $.88 bar for as long as possible.

Any questions?

The Boys Are Back In Town.

It is no secret now that I am an anti-feminist . What this is essentially, is a person who feels that the feminist movement swung too far on the freedom pendulum. I am all for voting and having rights. Those are good things, I'm glad that I can be in the workplace with other woman and not waste away in my parent's home because no guy has gotten the guts to seek my hand in marriage or whatever the world used to be like. I would have hated to live in the oppressed nature that women were in the past that threw them into fighting for their rights.

There was a time when being a tough woman was necessary. Now I wonder if it's overrated. When did we cross the line of fighting for equality to demeaning the opposite gender?

When did we go from this...To this...
and this...

and this...

And let's not forget this one...
Did the men ever make stickers, wallets, bags, and various other merchandise calling women stupid? Yes, they've done their fair share demoralizing women, I'm not trying to give them a pass. But how the heck is this equality? What favors are we doing for the children of the future? Women who will soon begin to think that boys are dumb and stupid (who actually think 2+2=5) and then if they should love one of them to feel that they themselves are stupid for doing so. Boys, who surveys show already are falling behind in subjects that previously boys had been strong in, buying into the labels that our negatively feminist charged society is feeding them.

My ten year old cousin likes this ryhme, "Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to jupiter to get stupidor." I mean, when I was younger we had, "Girls rule and boys drool." Both sayings can be swapped for the opposite gender, but why are they even being said? Ten year olds believe it, at least they believe that they should believe it.

Rosie the Riveter

The reason we can never truly capture equality among the sexes is because we don't understand the real essence of equality. Men have their strengths (and their weaknesses) and woman are the same, we just have different sets of weaknesses. The human body tells us this. Men tend to have stronger upper bodies, women have the leg muscles of beasts, not sure if you believe me? Challenge a guy and girl to a leg wrestle and see who wins (chances are it will be the girl) and the same with an arm wrestle the champion is most likely to be a boy (there are always exceptions).

Women aren't that much better off than they once were. They are certainly better in the private scene, but to the male dominant world around them they are in fact worse than they were before.

The Path of Least Resistance

Time for a brand new theory, which basically means that it will be unpolished and subject to change because I'm kind of making it up as I go. Not that I don't have observations to help back me up, but the theory itself, well, you know, theories are unproved things anyway so who cares, let's jump in.

Today's brand spanking new theory is The Path of Least Resistance. What is that? You may ask. Well for $2.99 I'll tell you. Just kidding I'll tell you for free ninety nine!

I have noticed, and not that often because the opportunity doesn't present itself too much in my surroundings, but I have noticed that some guys will get together with their ex-girlfriends if for no other reason than it's the easiest thing to do. Therefore it is my theory of the path of least resistance. Why do you go back to an old girlfriend? Because you don't have to work as hard, they already know you, therefore you don't have to go through all of that again. You can just pick up where you left off instead of going through the agonizing beginnings of dating uncertainty.

For example, there was a guy at church (let's call him B2...oh, yeah, that's because we already call him that). He liked my roommate, (sorry to roommate who might get pissed at me for the mention of all of this and I could be off on details anyway, but since this is just opinion then bare with me). It was obvious that he liked my roommate, and he totally got jealous when she hung out with other guys but there was a disconnect somewhere. To the outside eye it would seem that he should just start dating her, because if you like someone then why not right? But I am girl and will never, no matter how hard I try, be able to comprehend a man's reasoning or thought process. Just so you know, they didn't get together, which is okay because she's got someone of maybe not a higher caliber, but of a different caliber. And B2 you ask? Yeah, he's back with the ex-girlfriend that he said he would never date again. One has to ponder...why? The only thing I can come up with is that she was the path of least resistance, how hard is it to get something you already had unless you burned bridges? Then it's dang hard. But if you remained friends after the break-up then it's all left open, it could happen again, even if the guy says, "never again".

Actually, the path of least resistance doesn't only apply to guys getting back together with exgirlfriends (It isn't even limited to guys, but girls have been known to do the same thing). There are also fresh relationships and hookups that fall under the least resistance umbrella. For example: Babyface and Sour Grapes at work. My friend told me that he was trying to get Babyface and this one girl (Sour Grapes McGee) to go out. My initial reaction was, "really? her?" You see, I couldn't picture the two of them together for several reasons. First being that Babyface is an awesome guy and Sour Grapes well, let's just take in to account that I have given her the name of Sour Grapes. I'm always nice to her, I have no reason not to be, however she bugs me. Not only is she incredibly self absorbed but - oh wait, I think everything traces back to being self absorbed. She's always complaining, and I know that lately I seem to be doing that, but it's one thing to have an off day here or there, it's another to just come to expect it from certain people. Babyface doesn't need a complainer like her and frankly, she's too young to be the type of complainer she is. I feel like telling her that if she thinks it's this bad now wait until she gets older. Chronic complainers rarely ever see the light at the end of the tunnel until it's the light, if know what I mean. It's not that they have rotten lives, in fact some of them have great lives, but unfortunately can't recognize that. (Kind of like my sister-in-law but I won't get in that right now).

In addition to that from what I know Babyface can't stand the girl, but she was open and ready for the possibilities, so what did he do? He started to date her. It doesn't make sense to me, and I suppose when things don't make sense to me I have to try and make them make sense. Know what I mean? If not it's okay, I'm sure many people don't know what I mean.

I don't know if I just got off topic or not. It's Monday and I don't want to be here at work, I know that's not a good excuse but it's all I have for now.

Today's word is Caveat: A warning or caution. For example, I have a few caveats about my blog entries.

Can I have yo Number? Can I have it? Can I? Can I have yo number?

So this morning I sign into Facebook and find that NTR has written me a message. I can't just sum it up so I'd better just copy and paste it.

"what's up? How are you today? I like the costume. That is crazy. But I do get it. I get it. Hey you know when we go play ball, and I kinda flirt with you, You do know I'm picking right? Because I don't think it could happen. That would be a really weird....nevermind but I just like picking. Come to think it could ever happen between us. We have entirely too much in common. Hey this is very random, but are we friends?"

When I was reading the "But I do get it. I get it. Hey you know..." part I couldn't help but think of this Mad TV clip I watched the other day.

I may be off, but it's what came to mind for me. I can't help but remember having to go through something similar too this with Puppy Love when he wrote me a message on Myspace. I am two years smarter this time around. So I wrote him back, told him I was doing fine and asked how he was. I told him I didn't follow all of the message (because I didn't) but that it's all cool, don't worry about basketball (my nice way of saying, "you're right") and then I told him that we were friends. Because as awkward as things can get with NTR I do feel like we are friends. But for many reasons it will never be more than that. I just kind of wish a guy I was pining after would break down and send me a semi-awkward message. But that's just not my luck.

They’re/there/their to/two/too, the ups and downs of the English language

I don't mean to be a word snob here I mean, I'm not the best with the English language. However, certain things catch my eye. Such as the improper use of there, they're, and their. That's a pet peeve of mine and it shouldn't be since I can't seem to master punctuation, I throw in random commas, have run on sentences, have incomplete sentences, etc. etc. etc. So by no means am I judging harshly (I'm still judging). I have a lot of sympathy for fellow punctuationally challenged individuals, but not as much for people who can't get the right word.

My sister bugs me a lot with her there/their/they're usage, but I let it slide because she's my sister (not to mention older sister) and I love her. Even the time that she used two different forms in the same sentence, but swapped them (i.e. There coming to pick up they're mail). With the way my brain works I struggle when reading this (I really struggled just writing it) because I read it the way it is meant so "There coming" totally confuses me and "they're mail" I'm reading as "they are mail" which makes no sense. So I have to read it more than once. If she just did this occasionally I wouldn't have a problem because some days I write "right" rather than "write". But she's an habitual offender. But again, she's my sister and I love her, so I let it slide most times. Strangers however are fair game.

At work I deal with a lot of strangers. People calling from companies trying to get references or employment verifications. I received one this morning and I rarely look at the facsimile but for some reason this morning one part seemed to stand out to me. It read, "Department: PERSONAL". What does that mean? Secretly I know that she probably meant to write personnel, since I deal with personnel. But I don't really get personal with the personnel, though some Human Resource professionals do, even then though, we aren't a personal department. I prefer to think that the woman thought that the department I work for within the company should be kept personal, and that's why she choose to use that word. It seems more interesting when she's really just trying to keep all the information a secret rather than admitting to the fact that the woman just made a mistake, or worse, just doesn't know which is the right one in the first place.

I realize that this may open me up for personal criticism but I couldn't help myself, I have a voice and an opinion and sometimes I feel that it needs to be heard.

I used to be irrationally in love

I used to "fall in love". Now when I say "fall in love" I mean that I used to develop a crush on a boy and over exaggerate my feelings for him, but the point is, I used to do that.


One example, I worked with this guy named Steve. I loved him. He was perfect (as you will find for some reason they all were...hmm, how strange right?) I worked in the Deli and he worked in Produce (at a grocery store, I have a strange keenness for grocery stores). One day he gave me a pear, it was pear to throw away, but a pear none the less. I told my coworker, who was in no doubt the desperate intensity of my love for him, that the pear was symbolic of his feelings for me. She asked me 'how so," since she knew I probably actually had some kind of analogy already worked out in my head. I went on to tell her that there were two kinds of pears...P-E-A-R-S such as the one I held in my hand, and P-A-I-R-S such as in couples. With that pear he was telling me he wanted to be a "pair" with me. She just laughed and I threw the pear across the room to the trashcan. It smacked against the wall and fell in. She asked me what that meant and I told her that I was throwing away the opportunity...which was more of a prophecy rather than an analogy because a few months later he told me he wanted to take me out and apparently I didn't (still don't) know how to react to not being directly asked out.

I think the last guy that I "loved irrationally" was TDH, that was over a year ago. I don't know why irrational love made me cooler, but I know that I was a little more entertaining that way, as long as people didn't take me seriously. I mean, I liked the guy, no doubt about it, but I didn't love them the way I professed. I didn't obsessed about them the way I made it sound in my stories. Does that make sense?

I think the reason for this is probably because at home the choices are limited, it's not that there aren't guys to love this way, but rather there is a high probability that the people I would tell these tales to would also know the guy. In college there were so many different guys, different places to meet them, different places to interact with them. You could love a guy that your roommates didn't know or even see unless you wanted them to. Here, my roommates know all of my options, so it's just not as fun. Especially because chances are, I would profess my undying love and they would get a girlfriend or move (that's how it's always happened in the past), then the pity would come and I hate pity. But that's just a guesstimate why I wouldn't be proclaiming my love from the rooftops. It's just not as fun when people know the guy.

So, now it seems that I have turned my attention to men even harder to get...Hollywood. From the Fictional Characters group on Facebook to making little slide shows of famous hotties. From the original video to the Olympics, classics, and now my latest, generation next it would seem to the outsider that I have a problem. Again, it's not that I really love these guys or am even as nearly obsessed as I seem with it, it's just that I like to make videos, and yes, they're chock full of eye candy, but that's just a bonus. I make other videos too, those are just the ones I post to Facebook. Just in case you've never seen one of my videos here is the latest one. If you are interested in seeing more, let me know. I've gotten some comments from guys about how it isn't fair that I can make a video about hot guys but if they did the same but with girls they would be in trouble. Life's not fair, and yes, it's a double standard, and you can blame the feminist movement for it. Before the feminist movement the double standard was in their favor saying, "Boys will be boys". Oh that's right, there is still a double standard similar to that. A guy who behaves one way is called a Stud and a girl acting the same way is a slut. How is that fair? It's not. So get over it! (didn't mean to rant like that and I certainly didn't mean to be an anti-feminist feminist...my whole world is in question). Please just start the video so I'll shut-up.

Do you see why I may need therapy, or maybe just a boyfriend...or even less than that, maybe just a boy in real life for me to obsess over? I would settle for either of the three options, but preferably the boyfriend one if I could. I don't want to end up being the 40-year video maker of hotness, that's just no way to end up in this life.