Denial Ain't Just A River in Egypt

Today is national “I want to crawl in a hole and die” day…in case your traditional calendar doesn’t say that. I’m going to present you with two lists; they represent my “love life” (if you want to call it that) for 2008 (dipping a little into the end of 2007).

List #1 People who have shown an uncomfortable amount of interest in me (therefore, not all are confirmed, but heavily hinted to).

*Mr. Collins
*DND
*NTR
*The Dog Whisperer
*Desperate
*AP (AKA Date #5 for 2008)
*Bball Man

List #2 People who I have had interest in

*B2
*Chill
*SM2
*Charmer
*TDH JR.

…For some reason I can’t remember if there was anyone else. There were small little fleeting moments of interest with a few of the boys in the ward, and most of them are in pretty committed relationships now…

I told PR tonight that it was as if I was going through the seven stages of single hood grief:

Shock and denial – At first I felt like I was okay being single, after all, it’s not all that bad. There are so many things that I can do single that I wouldn’t be able to do if I was married or added children to the mix. That stage lasted for about 12 months, ending today. The mantra, “I’m fine being alone” can only last for so long.

Pain and guilt – This struck around 2:45 p.m. today. It’s been laced through the next two stages during the rest of the afternoon, hitting its climax on my drive home from my Uncle’s Christmas Party. Is it something that I’m doing wrong? Do I drive these people away or am I aiming too high? Certainly I could have made it work with one person on List #1; they’re all rather nice in their own quirky way. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I’m supposed to be in a relationship where the guy likes me a whole lot more than I like them.

Anger and Bargaining – I got a little upset that I keep attracting people that I am not attracted to, but mostly in this stage I tried to make a deal with God. A deal that he could give me a boyfriend for 6 months, and then that boyfriend could completely break my heart, as long as I knew that I could have a boyfriend; that I wasn’t completely messing things up with members of the opposite sex.

“Depression”, reflection, loneliness – I thought about how in the last 10 years I haven’t had much luck with boys, if I did date them (a grand total of 1) they weren’t any good for me and possibly screwed me up more than I already was. Other than that the boys I liked never seemed to like me back. I started to think of Beth in “Little Women” how she said something about how she never saw herself married or growing old…and then she died (I think of yellow fever?)…I’m still waiting for the yellow fever to hit. I’ve never really pictured myself married, doesn’t mean I don’t want to be married, who wants to be alone for the rest of their life? The worst came when I realized that the only type of people I will ever attract are the people who fit nicely on to List #1 and I’ll never get a List #2, I’ll never get married, I’ll never have a guy (who I like) want to hold my hand or wrap their arm around my shoulder. I’m this freakishly tall girl with man hands and love handles… (this was the low point).


The upward turn – I haven’t hit this stage yet, I’m in a strange limbo between the “depression” stage and the “upward turn”, but limbo is better than being completely immersed in depression. I assume that this is the stage where I will just begin to feel better (so maybe I am here I just don’t realize it completely yet).

Reconstruction and working through – Soon, I hope to be in this stage, where I begin to function as a single adult (but NOT in the denial stage I had been in). I’ll start doing little tasks and start planning my life, tear free, as a single.


Acceptance and hope – Finally accepting reality for what it is. Recognizing the difference between when I am screwing something up and when it just wasn’t meant to be. Then maybe I’ll finally get my hands on that greased little pig named Hope.

Yes, today was pretty rough and as I get closer to my birthday I’m afraid I might cycle through the first couple steps for a while. March seems like a good time to get to the last three stages. I’m just frustrated because none of my friends bothered to tell me that TDH jr. is totally out of my league, and no one is telling Bball Man that I’m out of his.

He (Bball Man) wrote me today and told me that the girl he likes went to the movie on Friday. Two girls went to the movie, I was one of them. So what do I do? Do I write back and ask if he likes the other girl? Either way I’m screwed. If he means me then when I wrote back asking if he likes her he’ll tell me it’s me. If I ignore it he’s going to ask why I’m ignoring it. Whether I choose to think that he likes the other girl or that he likes me I’m left in an awkward position.

Today was the first time in a long time that I considered moving, and even though people are the same everywhere you go, at least I’d have a while before any of the List #1 type people found me. Cause today along I had to deal with Bball Man, NTR, and the Dog Whisperer. But that’s a whole nother (is “nother” not a word? …”whole nother” I’ve said it all my life and yet when I try to type it spell check says ‘no’). Anyway, it’s a whole nother blog.