Chapter 155: It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down

Sometimes I hate TDH, and yet, I love him. No joke, this afternoon I thought briefly of him, and thought about e-mailing him and then decided not to. Why did I decide not to? Because I feel like I’m the one who does most of the work. So I decided today that we probably won’t talk again, because I am a realist. I didn’t write, and I went on with life.

It’s funny because I’ve had moments like this before with TDH…I’ve had similar experiences with lots of other guys, when I’m getting over them they somehow reenter my life with a phone call, an e-mail, a text message. Lame, lame, lame. It’s as though before we parted ways they inserted a chip into my brain that would alert them when my memory was about to purge them.

Why do I say this? Because I got home from dinner tonight and got on my laptop to work on my story. I looked at my e-mail real quick and it said that TDH had sent me a message. Go figure. The day my mind sets for the purge is the day he realizes he has something to say to me. Is it ever, “I love you”? No! So do I want to hear it? No. He always says something work related, but semi funny in his little way, just enough to get me to bite the bait. But what does it mean? I’ll tell you what it means; in the end it doesn’t mean a damn thing. I can’t even enjoy the little flutter of my heart to think that no matter how stupid the reason for e-mailing me he thought of me.

It. Was. A stupid. Reason. Not stupid I guess, petty? Whatever. It was about the bagging contest coming up, which I didn’t even know about. He’s going to be a judge at my store for the contest and he was telling me I needed to sign up so he could tell me that I couldn’t win. I wrote him back and told him that I don’t do well with rejection so I wouldn’t sign up knowing he’d already deny me, and just skip crying myself to sleep at night. He’s like a freaking drug – I’ve gone through the withdrawal, I think I’ve gotten over it, and then I get a whiff, a little taste, and I’m right back.