I feel like it's hit the fan.

I feel like I am in trouble, but I didn't do anything wrong. Except I don't feel like I did anything, I feel like I did do something wrong. Here's the gist.

This morning, boss lady asked me to call a candidate and inform them that they can book their flight (unusual, we usually do this for them) but the hiring manager wanted this guy to book his own flight and we would reimburse him. I was getting ready to call but put off because of a time zone difference. In the meantime I e-mailed the hiring manager to confirm that it was okay for me to call the guy and that he had nothing more to talk to him about. So then an hour later hiring manager comes over and talks to Boss Lady and I and tells us that he sent interviewee an e-mail early this morning telling him to book his flight and cab (and the cab part we are doing). He's going on and on about all this information I was supposed to collect and I'm sitting here in front of Boss Lady with my cheeks burning red cause that's not what I told him in the e-mail. But as it turns out he hadn't read my e-mail yet, at least not that I know of, or if he did he had done all of this before he had gotten my e-mail. Still...made me feel like I had tried to hand off the work or something and I part of me feels like I should go and explain to boss lady and the other part is telling me to just avoid her. I don't know which to do. I wish I had never sent the e-mail to Hiring Manager, that would have made all of this easy as pie. There wouldn't be a doubt that he did this all on his own and there wouldn't be the whole explaining why I did it. It just sucks. I don't like feeling this way.

I have had a twitch in my right eye since June 8th. That's right folks, we are fast approaching one month for this twitch. Some days it rarely bothers me, just a gentle pulsating to remind me that it is there, other days it is screaming, beating so abruptly that my hand instinctively flies up to stop it, but nothing works.

At work, in the last month, we have had 9 people quit. That could have something to do with this tick. Every Monday we had someone quit, and finally, this week, we haven't had anyone quit. The only person leaving the company turned in his two weeks notice - two weeks ago. He didn't change the date, he didn't get himself asked to leave early (like the last guy who was on the phone with brokers telling them where he was going and that our company was trash...yeah he was asked to leave two weeks earlier than planned). What I hate is that we are still paying the guy through the 8th of July because that's what his notice said and he gets benefits through the end of the month. But overall I am glad to be rid of the guy, he was constantly stopping by my desk saying the same idiotic things trying to make small talk. I don't do small talk. I do snide remarks, witty insults, and jokes as you are passing by. If you stop by my desk then there'd better be a good reason, or you are someone I am actually building some kind of relationship with. Whether as a survival relationship necessary to get things done with at work, or one of friendship because you appreciate my snide remarks and witty comments and I appreciate that you appreciate it. Other than that, don't stop by and talk to me for twenty minutes because you don't want to go back to work.

Then I was trying to get the televisions in our breakroom fixed and a woman comes walking through the door of the training room (which is actually just a door in one of the foldable walls so that you can move the wall and merge the training room and the break room). She says, "when is this going to get fixed?" and part of me just feels like people say that kind of stuff when I am around because it's part of my job. So I said, "Oh, I didn't know it was broken." I turned off my super hero powers so I can't quite tell right now when a moron walks into a door and breaks it. So I check it out, not broken, just knocked loose from the other foldable piece of the wall. Why is it knocked loose? Probably that moron I didn't hear. So I'll get it fixed later...when I feel like it.

As for right now, the workday is over, I'm going home.

Is there anybody out there?

Just an update.


I have renewed my contract for where I am living, but I won't be renewing again in June. I am hoping that by June my sister and her husband will be living up here and they will have a house with a basement. That's the plan, be her basement sibling. I would live there for at least a year and half. I tell you this so that I can just vent for a moment.

Sunday dinner at mom and dad's this comes up for some reason. Oh, that's right, my sister asks me how it went with the landlady and the security deposit. I told her it went well, and we are signed up for another year. Then they (random family members, not amazing with my attention to detail right now) ask if I will stay there after that. I tell them 'no'. Then I tell them the plan, to move in with my sister when they move up, and if not I'll be moving back home for a while to save money. So Sister-in-law is like, "dang I could use the extra help you can move in with us, we've got that one room, blah, blah, blah" You see...I had to stop listening so that my brain could focus on an excuse. There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever live in the same house. I can barely stomach conversation with her, but I do because I have been trying to be a better person. Nor could I live in the same house as her two daughters. They are decent enough as children go, but I found a personal form of birth control in them, something that works much stronger than any pill (i.e. they cripple my desire to have any of my own). So I kind of chuckle because unfortunately I have no words to tell her that it won't be necessary, my options are being limited to two things. Living in my sisters basement or living with my parents. Either are going to be more accommodating to me than she would. Plus, I realize that living with my sister I'm going to end up baby sitting from time to time, and you know what? I don't mind. Her children are my favorite, so I can live with that fate. What I cannot live with is the idea of getting roped into babysitting my nieces from time to time. If I live with my parent's my cousins will be old enough by then that they won't bother me as much as they did when I first graduated college (would be 4 years by the point I would move in with them)....Oy Vey - 4 years! Don't get me started.

So I think I got out of it, it will be a year until it comes up again anyway. That should give me plenty of time to come up with something should living in my sister's basement fall through.

Well, that's it for now.

Wing Man

I have decided (officially cause it's always been my unofficial stance) that being a Wing Man can't ever work. There were always the obvious reasons to me why it won't work. The Wing Man could fall for the love interest of their friend they are being the wing man for - I think people can follow that one.
This past weekend I have realized that being a wing man won't work for another reason. You build a relationship with the person whom you are trying to set your friend up with. I don't mean it in the above mentioned, you fall for the person, kind of way, but you build this friendship that you can't transfer over to your friend. Is this making sense? Here's the deal, my friend kind of likes this guy at church, let's call him the Socially Awkward Rebel, or S.A.R. I have no clue why I started to talk to S.A.R. but I did. He's completely random and I spent the first month knowing him just trying to figure out what he was talking about. When I found out that my friend liked him I thought I would try and help. You know, get to be better friends with him and then invite him to things where she would be, and maybe one day be able to set them up or something. I had not realized at the time that I was going against one of my cardinal rules. So I am friends with him now, and I still want them to get together, but I have run into a problem.
The problem is I don't know how to get him to transfer his attention to her and how to get her to know him well like I do. I felt for a while that it was working (at least the getting her to know him well part) but I realized this weekend that it's not working. Then last night, said friend and I were talking and she says, "Do you think that maybe S.A.R. wants to date you?" What? No. Impossible. First of all he knows I have a boyfriend, second of all I'm the buddy! So I tell her the first part, "Well, he knows about my boyfriend." Her response was that he also knows my boyfriend is leaving. I asked her why she would think that he would want to date me and she said that it was just interesting to her that he asked me who he should date. Which he did, about two weeks ago he randomly asked me who he should date. I wanted to say, "My friend" but then I felt like I shouldn't give that information out so easily. I asked him what kind of girl he was looking for and he said, "Not ex-hookers who have found God" So I was thinking he was just kidding, but then he brought it up again and I told him that maybe he shouldn't focus on who he should date, but rather ask a girl out, get to know her, ask her on the first date if she is an ex-hooker. Then from there, figure out who you want to date. He said that was too much effort so I told him that he should probably go for the ex-hookers then. He's never mentioned anything else about it, so I had kind of forgotten the situation.
I had S.A.R. and friend in the same room the other night, and both spoke to me but not to each other. Which bummed me out because how are they supposed to get together if they don't talk to each other? It's not like there were a lot of people around, there were three people in the room! I think that friend just got nervous and S.A.R. just doesn't even think about it.
Another problem could be that the more I get to know S.A.R. the more I think that maybe friend and him aren't compatible, I never thought they were, I hoped I would find something...but opposites attract. So, right now I'm just working off the fact that friend would be willing to date him. I think I just want to find someone that she would totally click with, I want her to be with someone because she really wants to be with someone right now. If things between her and S.A.R. aren't going to work out then I think I need to back off because I don't want to be caught in a social awkward situation.
I have to graduate from Wing Man to matchmaker. There is a difference. Wing Man figures out things about the interest that the person has chosen, a matchmaker makes the choice. They find someone that their friend will click with. So I am on the search for someone she will click with, I am matchmaker...not wing man.

Update

So....I haven't written in here in a while. There's a reason for that. I haven't felt the need. This is a venting blog, and I have either come to terms with things or I have found a person to vent to.
I do however want to update you on things going on.
In my house we had an interesting roommate...she moved in for about a month or so and right from the beginning wasn't sure of her permanence with us. She had stated to one friend that she wasn't sure if she would stay past June. So for the entire time she lived with us P.R. tried to find out if she planned to stay with us or not, because honestly, we needed to know. We shall call this roommate, Nomad, I think the name is fitting.
So P.R. and Nomad were locked in an everlasting battle of question and avoidance. Nomad turned out to be a liar too. I cannot reveal much detail about all of this because having the den as my bedroom I spent much time down there and never really interacted with Nomad. I have a pretty good sixth sense on when to avoid people, and an even sharper one on who to avoid. I have always gotten the "avoid" vibe from Nomad, long before she moved in.
Anyway, S.F.H.B. graduated and moved home and try as we might we were unable to find a new roommate to take her place. This meant that come June 1st we were all responsible for $100 more on rent. So, P.R. did the only thing she could do, she wrote a note to Nomad - we would have said something in person, but Nomad was rarely there. The note stated that when rent was due it would be $100 extra due to the lack of a fourth roommate. It also had a few housekeeping items on there. On Sunday night (May 24th) P.R. received her own note, Nomad informed her that she would be out by the 1st. So, instead of rent being $100 more for each of us, P.R. and I were now responsible for half each.
And I was leaving to go out of town that Wednesday. Therefore P.R. and I communicated via e-mail of what was going on. Nomad was completely gone by the evening of the 30th, our landlady is crazy - P.R. explained the situation to her and she wanted us to pay a new deposit when we signed the contract for June, but for me that would have been $1500 - I choose to eat in the month of June so that's not possible. She told us to hold off on rent until we meet to sign the contract (since I was out of town) so I haven't felt the financial blow of anything yet.
On the upside, we found two girls to move in. They can't move in until August though, however, they have moved in their stuff and offered to pay storage. P.R. and I are not about to turn down money. We are going to use it to offset the cost of utilities, since that's going to hurt our pockets in the same way rent well (and by that I mean we are paying half rather than quarter). We are meeting with the landlady tomorrow evening to "sign the contract" but hopefully she is letting us carry over the security deposit until August, when all four of us can sign a contract together. The way she was wanting us to do it was for P.R. and I to both pay the security deposit and we work it out later with the two new girls. I'm sorry, but I'm not a landlady, I don't want to work out the security deposit with them. What...have them pay their portion and when I get mine back pay them theirs? I'm sorry but it's too much work. Besides, I would feel more comfortable having all of us locked into a contract, that way what happened to us with Nomad can't happen again.
Anyway, oh and our washer broke. Landlady things she has fixed it, but it may flood again. Not looking forward to when that happens. Needless to say not quite as much laundry is getting washed in our household right now. We don't need the stress.
AND I've given up sugar...today is day one, so who knows, maybe by the end of the week I'll need this blog more than ever.

I'm not a complainer, I'm not a complainer...

Yes I am. And here's why.


First order of business. The dismal state of the kitchen.

Monday, during our snow storm, I got up at the regular time despite the fact that I could have gone back to bed, and I went upstairs and emptied the dishwasher. After emptying it, I loaded it (makes sense). Then I started it because we had so many dishes it constituted a full load. Then I made cookies. I left my dishes in the sink until the dishwasher finished, but by that point I had found other things to do. I assumed (which is wrong I know) that another roommate who had absolutely nothing to do the entire day would find it in their hearts to empty the dishwasher and put their dishes in (they don't even need to put mine in, I'll do that, just theirs). Rather it continued to build. The sad thing is, the only dishes I used were all in a bowl together and I actually didn't use any other dishes from Monday until I used a plate yesterday. And that plate is in my room right now. In the meantime no one emptied the dishwasher. Three days of dishes piling up and there were more being used all the time! I couldn't understand why no one else was emptying it. The sink was packed and the dishes were stacked on the counter!!! Talk about vomit. There were only two of them? How the hell did they get so many dishes (pardon my language)? Anywho, I'm kind of over that because this morning there were no dishes in the sink...but it's not allowed to happen again!!

...I need my own place.

Second order of business. Best Friends.

What is a best friend? What are qualities that are sought after when one seeks a best friend? Does one seek a best friend or do they fall into your lap?


I'm a believer that best friends fall in your lap, or more so they are brought into your life when you need them. But they also have certain qualities that make them stand out more than the other friends. They are more dependable, more apt to fake happiness for you (even if they don't think what you have to be happy about is all that happy), they are good listeners (but you need to be one in return), they think about you even if you aren't there so they call you or e-mail you just to say they miss you, they'll stick with you even when you cry or go into a hermit like state. So many things that a best friend does infinitely better than just a regular friend.


At the same time they tell you what they are thinking, they tell you when you are being stupid. They'll give you advice when they think that's what you want (or sometimes need despite what you think), or they'll keep quiet if they think you just want someone to listen. You can get in a fight with them like you would with your sister (you can yell and scream all you want but in the end you still love each other).


Best friends are a good thing to have, because sometimes you need an extension of your family, and that's what a best friend is, an extension of your family. Maybe not the family you grew up with, but what or whomever you deem your true family to be.


With that said I almost feel like I shouldn't start complaining.


...almost.


I got a call from one of my best friends (and I know there is a joke that I have so many of them, but you must understand I have had many different phases in my life, and each phase required adaptation and most of the times a new best friend). She calls me every so often (as stated above, a best friend calls you when they are randomly thinking of you, even when they are thousands of miles away). I'm the rotten friend because I never call her. But she's still on my "pick up" list and as long as I'm not too busy I do pick up. I even picked up during a regional activity a few weeks ago. Keep in mind (which you couldn't have before but you sure can now) that this is the best friend who I told that we probably wouldn't be best friends in 5 years. She was highly offended and I tried to explain that I was just being a realist. Seriously, we had no intention of even living on the same side of the country and people grow apart. I have never disillusioned myself to believe that these people will actually come visit me, despite any travel arrangements that I make to go see them.


Ranting and rambling but trying to stay focused, bear with me.


Whenever she calls I have begun to notice that it's a short call, when she is driving or is waiting for her husband to come home, and it's to tell me something about her (not a problem, that's what friends do...they listen) ...but that's what friends do...they listen. She doesn't listen, and I don't know if she ever did, but I feel she must have listened before. I've had so many things that I have wanted to tell her before but I can't get a word in. Then last night, she tells me everything that she needs to say and then she says, "So what's new with you?" and I tell her not much. But I think of a few exciting things to tell her and it's almost like there's something/someone in the room with her distracting her from the conversation. Totally disinterested. And it bothered me a little because only a few minutes before I sounded the peppiest I have sounded in a long time while she spouted off random bits of news in her life. She didn't even laugh at my joke I made...I just feel like she wasn't even listening!! Then she says, "OK, well I'm going to let you go." ...okay. I just don't get it...Did she just turn of the switch while I was talking and figured when I grew quiet it was because I was done, so now it's time to hang up? Did I make her angry? Have I changed? Has she? Were we always this way but I just never noticed??

We are coming up on the three year mark...only two more years before my prediction becomes reality, and at this rate I might be right.

Small annoyance....when my boss tells me that I was the one who was in charge of something (such as ordering something) and that item is here and it was brought back in June, but I didn't order it.
Then she says "Don't you remember?" and is getting frustrated like she can't believe that I don't remember and I'm getting nervous because I can't believe she doesn't remember. So I just say, "Yeah I remember".
It's okay...this is life.

Snow Days

Yesterday was a snow day. I didn't think I would ever get one as an adult, but yet there I was. I lived in Idaho for a good four years and survived every winter. I bundled up and walked to class, I drove to the store when necessary, I slipped and fell and laughed at myself countless times. But I have grown soft, and a powdering of snow left me incapacitated. I didn't feel like anything was important enough to venture out into the snow for. I bundled up and forced my dog to go outside to go to the bathroom, but I didn't once set foot in the snow (except for what was built up on the patio, which was a good amount). I didn't want to get snow in between my socks and my shoes, I didn't want the bottoms of my jeans to soak through. I think it was because I knew I wouldn't be able to warm up fast enough in our 60 degree house and with my ever fading heater.

So I was holed up at the house, not a problem at all. I was dressed, I did laundry, I emptied the dishwasher and loaded it, I made cookies, I worked on my story, I talked to Ducky on the phone, I watched Pushing Daisies, I did so, so much of nothingness yesterday and I can't say I hated it. Well, I did begin to hate it around 5 o'clock but my body treats extreme boredom like it treats extreme pain and soon I was knocked unconscious. I woke up and it was dark in my room and I freaked, I didn't know what time it was, what day it was, or anything (this is the reason I don't take naps). The sad part was, the nap was no more than 45 minutes...but it recharged me for another round of nothing.

That's not why I am writing though. The reason I am writing is because I wasn't stuck in the house alone. P.R. and SFHB were also there. Not a problem at first, but time with SFHB quickly becomes one. I really like P.R. I love talking to her and I feel like I can tell her anything, and I do tell her a lot...the only problem is SFHB has super sensitive hearing. So many times when I am telling a story to P.R., SFHB comes down the stairs and says, "What was that?" as though I had been directing my statement to her, when I had not been. I think P.R. realizes that this is a possible issue (and may even be one that bugs her as well) because she never rats me out when instead of repeating what I have said I look at SFHB and say, "Your mom" or some other remark to deter her.

Yesterday however I was on Facebook and I got a text from Ducky asking if I had a moment to chat. She didn't know we had snow and the state closed down...so I called her and she said something funny right off the bat so I was laughing and I hear the little "popping" sound that indicates that someone has IMed me on Facebook, and I look over and it's SFHB and she says, "What are you laughing at?" I wanted to say, "Your mom." but felt I had been over using that one lately, so I ignored her for a while and then just said, "I'm on the phone." Then Ducky was talking about the ghost tour she went on and it was freaking me out so I told her I was going to throw up and SFHB IMed me again and said, "Don't throw up." I wrote back that she was creeping me out and she had to stop. So from that point on I started to talk quieter, and at one point I got up and moved so that I would be in the part of my room that is below Moxie's room. I don't like that she can hear everything so well down in my room and I can't wait until she moves. It was a conversation between my B.F.F. and I and I don't think she should have been listening. If she can hear it then she either ignores it or she turns on the music or the TV. If she had those things on she wouldn't be able to hear me. It just bothered me.

She's lucky I didn't go all "The Shining" on her and whip out my ax...or even a shovel would have done. Unfortunately, as I realized yesterday, we don't seem to own any of these important tools...I'll do my best to rectify that situation before the next snow storm.

And I got what I got all despite you and I get what I get just to spite you.

Okay, it's been a while and it's not like I really have time on my hands to do this, but I am going to do it because I love you guys.

So Wednesday morning I put my facebook status as, something like I'm excited for the concert. Cause I was. If people reply to this it's no biggie, because I put it out there. Don't e-mail me at work and hound me about it. So of course this means that nosey SFHB e-mails me and asks me what concert I'm going to and who with. She e-mailed me in the morning and I waited until 4:58 to write her back and tell her that I was going to see "Against Grace". I did not inform her who with.

I felt bad about this, not in the sense that I was going to apologize or that I worried about her feelings. It was the kind of bad you feel in retrospect and also not the kind where you feel bad for the person. It was the feel bad because if anyone else had asked I don't think I would be as upset/annoyed. Like when Diva asked if I wanted to hang out with her because we would both be in UT at the same time she threw in that she knows I don't like to do that but was asking anyway. I wrote back and told her we could (and I really think it would be fun) and that I don't actually mind hanging out with people from home when I'm across the country (really how many people can actually do that!?) it just applied to SFHB. I'm a rotten person...what can be done?

More writing I suppose.
So this morning she e-mails me and asks me how it was and I write back and said that I had a lot of fun and am a little in love with the band. I also tell her that I'll post the pictures tonight. I felt like that was substantial information. But when I got back from lunch there was an e-mail from her. She asked again who I went with and the little brat in my head is telling me to just not write back. She'll find out when she sees the pictures! I don't know why I'm so prideful on this issue. Seriously, I should just say, "Diva and Petunia. What now!?"

...can I do it? I don't know.

Is it okay if I talk a lot today?

Mondo Mania = Mondo Drama.
This weekend we had the Mondo Mania party, where my friend (the Musician I think I named her) makes Mondo buns (cinnamon rolls) and we eat them. Simple enough right? This isn't high school, so there really shouldn't be any drama involved in having people over to stuff their faces, and yet, that's what happened. It wasn't so much during the party or directly after it, it was Sunday morning. So Bball man still e-mails me, I have flat out told him that I don't see him that way so I'm not in the least worried about e-mailing him. I can do that without leading him on because I have said clearly that there's nothing there (I am stating this now because who knows, people surprise you sometimes with their intelligence (or lack there of at times)). So he e-mailed me Saturday, asked how my day went, told me about his (this is what we do every day...except when I don't respond every day because I don't feel I should have to, it gets annoying having the same conversation over and over again). Oh, but one day before that he wrote and asked if I was mad at him because I didn't seem as talkative lately...this isn't the first time he has asked if I am mad at him and I feel like saying, "what does it matter?" Cause it doesn't. I wrote back and just explained that sometimes I go through phases where I don't talk as much, and I don't even notice I'm doing it. Then I told him that if I was mad at him I would tell him. So hopefully he'll stop asking. It's just annoying to me, I don't know what about it makes it that way, but I can't stand it, not just with him, but I've had other guys act this way and it just pushes me further from them.
So I write him about my Saturday and then tell him I should get going. (P.S. he wasn't on the invite list for Mondo Mania...and let me explain why. I was going to add him but then I decided first that he probably wouldn't come, second that he might take it too personally that I did invite him (I was afraid he would read more into it than it was because lets face it, he's done that before), and thirdly I decided to just keep it to the regulars, I didn't invite one other person for the same reason. It wasn't me trying to be exclusive, honestly, I wouldn't care if they came, but as far as sending out invites I decided not to. There are several other people too, I just figured that they wouldn't come so I didn't waste the energy.
So Saturday night he writes back and says he understands about the phases and such and then he tells me that he heard I was having a get together at my house Saturday and was wondering why I didn't invite him.
I got the e-mail Saturday night, and I let it go until I got home Sunday night (I didn't feel like dealing with it). So Sunday night I write back and tell him pretty much the truth, I just have regulars I'm used to inviting and went through the list looking for their names and honestly just didn't even think about it. I told him I was sorry (the kind that I don't really mean because I'm a heartless jerk apparently) and said that next time I have something I'll make sure he is on the "invite list" and I told him that I'm not an exclusive get together-er, I don't care who comes. Or something like that. I also told him what we did and talked about how I spent most of my time talking to my friend from N.C. (which is true, until she left and then I wandered again).
So he e-mails me back like an hour later and says, "I was just curious I'm not mad at you (wasn't worried about that) but that's not what I heard." or something like that. It bothered me the way it was written "but that's not what I heard." and I am wondering, is he questioning why I didn't invite him? That I hung out with my N.C. friend most of the time? That that's what we did? Either way in essence he has called me a liar (or at least that's how I am reading into it at the moment) I started to write back and then realized that I was angry at him...like when someone hits me and tells me that it doesn't hurt. I guess I'm angry because I was honest for the most part, I didn't try to keep it a secret from him, I just didn't think to tell him.
Does that make any sense? So I am curious and will be asking him what he means, or what did he hear (if only I could figure out what he was referring to not having heard the way I described it, then I would have an easier time knowing what exactly to say). He'll say it doesn't matter, I'll say it does, and then if he doesn't tell me I'll stop talking to him. This isn't a plan I just came up with, this is experience....because I'm that rotten person I was telling you about. But if he's going to bring it up then it did matter, to him at least, and so I should have a chance to defend myself, not that I care what he thinks of me or my actions.
Maybe that's the real root of my frustration, I honestly don't care, but I feel so confrontational! I think I have just had a hankering to have it out with this guy, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's the little things he says like this, his neediness, his paranoia that I am angry at him if I don't respond within 24 hours, the way he gets upset at me if I don't talk to him when I see him, the way he tries to make me feel bad for what I have done or not done! I don't like when people get clingy, and that's kind of what he is doing. Man! I don't even know if I'm making any sense right now because that's what happens when I get upset and want to beat someone up...well, that's what happens to me all the time whether or not I want to beat the crap out of someone. I just need to let it go, but I know I won't, because deep down I want to burn a bridge or something, though I also know that wouldn't be a good idea because I am going to be seeing this guy around at basketball games and when the boys and I start playing on Thursday nights again. *Deep Breaths*

To distract me let's talk about good stuff.

Yesterday was ward conference. It was sad a little at first because 5 minutes after the hour the members of the ward were outnumbered by the members of the stake, and there weren't a whole lot of them there. We just seemed to be having a lot of people taking vacation from church yesterday. The talks were good, though to be honest at this point I can't really remember it. It was of course sprinkled with dating stuff here and there, but it wasn't the overall message (thank goodness because I had already had my fill of that for the weekend, one girl went off on guys near the end of the Mondo-Mania and I had to get up and leave because I realized that somehow I was listening to the same conversation that I have heard countless times since I graduated college and joined the singles ward).
At the end the Stake President told us that the ward would be moving to Monument. Shocked!! I mean, there have been rumors for years now that we would be moving there, especially when Tuckahoe dissolved and only one ward was using that building. We maintain the current stake we are in, because as he said, "He couldn't bare to let us go" or something along those lines which actually made me feel good because sometimes I feel like the singles are a ward that people are trying to pass off on each other. So...it's all just pretty exciting. I couldn't be fully excited because Charmer's sister was sitting next to me and she lives a few miles from the building we currently meet at and she will now begin to experience Sundays the way I have for over two years. I don't feel like she should have to, but at the same time, I have...does that makes sense? P.S. Charmer's sister needs her own name because she's going to probably be one of my B.F.F.s she's so awesome. (Got it! Lulu) Anyway.
Second hour the Stake Presidency spoke to us and the Relief Society stake presidency spoke to the guys (I would just love to know what they talked about). It was pretty good and President Witt told us how about when they talk to the guys they tell them to stop seeking perfection because no one is perfect. He also said that if you want something you have to be that something. So he challenged us to work on either stopping something we shouldn't be doing, or beginning to do something that we should be. I felt good about that, mostly because for once in my life I was a few steps ahead. Because of my resolutions I had already been working on doing things that I hadn't been doing before, and because of conference last fall I was working on stopping things I shouldn't be doing. I have a long, long way to go and its difficult every time, but I am trying. Lets just pretend I didn't vent up at the top there and we're doing good!

Wrong Side of the Bed

You know when you wake up on the "wrong side of the bed" and everything seems to be going wrong from the get-go? I thought today was going to be fine, it started out okay, with the exception of waking up at 7:50 (work starts at 8:30). The morning seemed to be going well, or you know, at least all right. Pup had a blond moment in the backyard this morning (one where he doesn't move for several minutes he just looks at me, but even though he seems mentally incapable I still can't let my guard down because the moment I move in on him he'll run for the exit). Even with that I still felt like it would be okay, it's Friday, how can a Friday not be good?

...When it feels like a Monday that's how. Or when you have a boss (bless her heart) who forgets that she didn't tell you everything, because despite the amount of words she repeated when she was asking you to do something she didn't say that little bit that she's going to get upset with you for not doing...even though you didn't know to do it. And it's not like you can tell your boss off and say, "Look, you didn't tell me that part." Instead you have to say, "I don't remember that I'm sorry." I do remember that not being said but how can I tell you that?

The whole story being that yesterday she wanted me to talk to maintenance about lighting zones...which on its own kind of ticked me off. She wanted me to contact them and see what we could do for accounting and their light sensors (we have lights that turn off after long periods of inactivity). The reason it ticks me off is that about a week ago I presented to her a similar problem for a woman downstairs. I told her that she had called me stating that she works late a lot of evenings and the lights go off on her, she has to walk all the way around to the sensor, and then get back to work. It's annoying (I haven't had it happen to me but it sure does sound annoying when you are trying to work right?) Well Boss Lady informed me that there was nothing we could do for her. So to go into her office yesterday and be told to contact maintenance about doing something for accounting because they have the same problem bothered me. I wanted to ask her about this woman, but didn't.

So I contacted them and this morning after I ran up 8 flights of stairs one of the maintenance men was standing at the receptionist counter. So out of breath I try to talk to him and I walk him down the hall to Accounting. There are two sensors on either side of the accounting work stations. Maintenance Man said that he would extend the length of time the lights were on and we talked to the Accounting Man about the lights for a few minutes. Then we turned to leave. I stopped off at my desk, I heard Boss Lady say 'hello' to Maintenance Man and then she came over to my desk. I tell her what we had been talking about and then she said, "But he was supposed to come talk to me about that, remember I told you to tell them to come up and talk to me." Uh....no you didn't, and here's how I know that it's not to be blamed on my faulty memory. Because if you had told me that you wanted them to come talk to you I would have told them to do that. As much as I think the maintenance guys are nice and all, it's not my favorite thing to have to talk to anyone about business. So if you had wanted to talk about it to them I would have been more than happy to pass it off.

So she gives me this deer in headlights look for a bit because when she asked if I remembered I tried to pull off a sincere, "Oh I don't," rather than a, "Do you remember?" and then I say, "Well he might still be at the elevator. So instead of rushing off to it she gets in the way of me rushing off and we miss the guy. I tell her I can have him come back up and she says she'll talk to Accounting Man first, then she ends up going to find Maintenance Man by herself. She succeeds and I hope that's the end of it for me because really, I'm not in the mood for it today and it's only 9:15 in the morning.

It's Movie Making Time!

Last year F.H.E. divided up into smaller groups and made short little movies. Then we all gathered together and watched them while dressing up in our best Goodwill finds and eating popcorn. It went over pretty well and most (not all) but most of the movies were pretty good.

Given that, they've decided to do it again. I was hoping to be in the same group as last year, but Spielberg told me that I had gotten picked before he could pick me (could be a lie....not sure). Then he told me whose group he thought I was in. So I asked that person and they said 'no', then Spielberg told me the other group he thought I was in, asked them...'no'. Finally I just went to Actuary and asked her. She knew whose group everyone was in. I'm in Kermie's group.

So Monday night I'm supposed to meet the group at Kermie's house at 7. I didn't end up leaving my house until 7 and he lives on the other side of the river. So after taking the wrong turn 3 or 4 times I finally get to his house at 7:30. I cautiously approach the door because I figure in Kermie's group we will be starting on time. I slowly open it, I hear a male voice which kind of sounds familiar but not quite. I slip into the room hoping not to interrupt what I think is the lesson only to have everyone fully acknowledge that I am there by yelling out my name. I glance quickly at 6 people in the room. I'm fine with everyone except the couch dweller, N.T.R.

I immediately take the seat next to Kermie rather than on the couch and N.T.R. introduces me to his friend who is sitting on the couch next to him. I say 'hello' and then look around wondering why nothing is happening. N.T.R. proceeds to tell me that I'm looking fine tonight...okay, maybe he didn't say fine, but whatever he said was the equivalent. Then he said something about how I always look that way and I told him to stop it. Just flat out, 'okay we're done'. Then his friend who I quickly found is just as loud as N.T.R. says, "I bet you say that to her every time you see her." ...hello, I'm still in the room. N.T.R. laughs and says he does and then his friend chides him, telling him that maybe if he didn't come on so strongly he'd have a girlfriend by now. Sure hope he didn't mean me because no matter what that's not a role I'm willing to take on.

Kermie's love bug gives us the lesson which goes over relatively well, there are a few snags from the audience but I'm not here to talk about that. Let's get down to the movie. So Kermie first asks if anyone has any ideas, we all pretty much respond that we didn't know we were supposed to be thinking of things; my reason why I said that was because I asked him Sunday if we should be thinking of things and he said they pretty much had an idea already. But I applaud his efforts to sound like he was open to suggestions. Then he presents his idea, and it's really pretty funny.

I kept getting the idea that he thinks I was in his group last year because he kept saying things like, "Remember last year" or "You did that well last year". I wasn't sure if he thought I did it well for his group or if he heard that I did well in my group last year. But I wasn't going to say anything (Kind of how earlier that day the C.F.O. at work called me Jennifer, natural reaction is to say, 'Jessica' and I usually do it quickly. I bit my tongue and when he came over later and apologized because he thought he called me 'Jennifer' earlier I lied and said that it happens a lot so I didn't even notice. Yes, it happens a lot, but I always notice). Oops, random. Going back.

So in our film there is room for a lot of random things to happen and a lot of creative ideas to be presented. I actually have a part in the film (its a secret as to what my part is) and I am also the caterer, and I am the assistant soundtrack coordinator. Despite the turn out of 7 people we are supposed to have close to 30 people in the group, so the parts we were coming up with need to be filled by these extras, but we need a main guy and girl who will be there every week. The two main characters are going on a date, so they are 'date man' and 'date woman'...highly creative names. We were trying to figure out who should be the date man, and I felt that Kermie and Love-bug should be since they are engaged. That and the other alternative of guys who will be there every Monday are N.T.R. and friend. And well, if you know N.T.R. you know he's a smidgen A.D.D. and this movie will never get done. So we go through our list trying to think of who could do it and we call Soul Patch but he informs us that Monday night is his Study night (I guess he has a group) so he is out, his roommate wouldn't want to be the main character we all know that.

In the meantime we are also thinking on the girl and one of the girls in the room looks at me and says, "Why don't you be it." Excuse you? No. I try to remind them of my pivotal non-speaking role in the film and how it would be impossible to have me be the two characters in the same scene. 'Simple' they say, 'we show you, cut away and come back and you're the other character!' Genius....still no.

Then N.T.R. (who is already vying for three or four roles and director) says he wants to be the date man and his friend tells him he can't be all these characters and says that he wants to be the date man, but then he thinks on it and says that he can't be because how can he tackle himself? You see as flowing as this meeting was sounding we were constantly interrupted by N.T.R. and friend who kept throwing out ideas that they thought were funny (they....not everyone else). Such as N.T.R. would like to be Paul Revere and come in yelling 'The Red Coats are coming!' and Friend wants to be a rabid bunny, or a mad bunny, or a crazy bunny...can't remember which it is and a football player. He also wants to trash a car, tackle Date Man (the reason he can't be both), clog a toilet, throw ketchup on people, put mustard in a shampoo bottle, and the list goes on and on. I felt like telling him that we aren't actually going to cause any damage to person or property, so calm the heck down. He really thinks we are going to trash someones car?

So the question is still in the air as to whether or not have me as Date Woman (though I feel I have given my answer). Finally Kermie says quietly to me, "You don't want to do it do you?" and I shook my head. I almost said, "I don't like real dates why would I want to go on a fake one?" But I didn't. So issue resolved, at least where I am involved.

Finally (it's about 8:30 and my mind is numb and I keep staring at the ground so I don't have to acknowledge that I hear N.T.R. or Friend and I just want to go home) someone suggest that Kermie and Love-bug be the daters...which in N.T.R.s defense, he said that early on. So they will be it.

After a few more crazy suggestions for N.T.R. and Friend and a waxing desire to kill myself or them, we finally end the meeting at 9. I'm thinking to myself that if the next two months are anything like this I will hurt someone. I mean, words can't describe how draining this hour and half were. I suppose if you know N.T.R. then you can imagine, but I really haven't done the pain and disturbance the kind of justice it deserves. I've blocked much of it from my memory. It's like taking a picture of a beautiful scene as you are driving through the mountains, the picture just doesn't capture what it was really like, it's weak sauce when you compare it to the real thing, as is this story.

Is it wrong that...

So I've decided that a very unattractive characteristic in people is panic. A lady at work who I really like was panicking this morning and I wanted to slap her across the face and tell her to calm down. Why? Cause we had a problem (I didn't see it as one but whatever) we had to finish a project by five o'clock today...possibly earlier, I'm not sure. But she was panicking at 9:30 in the morning that we couldn't get it done. Way to quit before you start. I'll have you know that it's almost 1 o'clock and if we aren't finished we almost are. P.S. we had to stuff tax forms into envelopes and get them in the mail today. We had to first fold, then stuff, then run it through the postage machine. Hundreds upon hundreds and my fingers ache, my skin is dry, and my brain died somewhere in the process, but I did my stack, then I went back for more, then I got some from another person working on it. I just stopped and I could go get the remaining ones but my brain hurts and I can't smile. I can't smile because I think I'm asleep with my eyes opened. ...which means this is a dream...or sleep typing (if that's real, you know what, even if it's not real, that's what it is).

No reason to panic, it got done. I don't know why I just wrote all of that except for the fact that I realized today that I have never found it attractive, rather repulsive and a weakness. Maybe it's my survival of the fittest instinct that is ingrained deep in my DNA...the strong survive and come out on top.

That's your science lesson today. Thank you Darwin.

Oh wait, speaking of the strongest, not really but I wanted to vent. SFHB - First off we have a basketball game tonight and I don't really want her to come, but since she probably is I am trying to think of a way not to give her a ride. I normally don't care if I give her a ride somewhere, but this is a long car ride, and I'm tired of hearing about her mother. She needs to start talking to other people than just her mother or her sister because the intro, "So I was talking to my mom today," gets old quick. Cut the cord honey, it's for your own good.

My vent though is from the e-mail I just got from her. I'm trying really hard not to fall into line with people and bad mouthing. It's hard because it seems to be a natural hurdle for mankind. I am also trying to not be so mean hearted towards SFHB, but I find that in order to do this I have to avoid her. She is an extremely negative person who doesn't seem to have a nice thing to say about anyone. I know she talks behind my back because I've caught her doing it before (not upset just saying, this is the type of person she is). So Moxie is saying that she is going to start to go to the branch, it's closer and her and her boyfriend will be going together. As a joke I said, "So what, now that you've found your E.C. you don't need the singles ward anymore?" but I was making fun of a guy who stopped coming because he got engaged. SFHB starts to say that she just might join her in going to the Branch. (Probably because she doesn't like her new calling and would love to get out of it).

So today we were e-mailing (we being my roommates and I, minus Moxie for some reason) and I mentioned how the Branch is having a baptism tonight and she asked some question which was probably supposed to be witty but I'm not in the mood today and I say, "That's the branch for you." because I didn't know what else to say. Then she writes back and says (let me quote), "Why would Moxie ever want to go there? Is it wrong that it kind of upsets me when people go there just because it's more convienant?" Yes - it is wrong...and so is your spelling of convenient. Which is what I will write back when I post this. It is wrong, mostly just because it's you and I feel like you judge too much as it is. I don't care where someone goes to church as long as they are actually going. If Moxie will have better attendance at the Branch, then by all means go to the Branch. The other reason it's wrong is because you said (in front of witnesses) that you would be willing to go too because you're tired of the ward. (I even e-mail Moxie while writing this to confirm with her that something along those lines was said).

Also: If you ever have to say "Is it wrong that (fill in your dilemma here)" the answer is 'yes'.

I don't know why I let it bug me so much, but as soon as I post this I'm going to stop thinking about it and move on with my life.

P.S.! I just got a call from Washington (D.C.) no joke. Never thought I could say that Washington has called. Don't know what they want, don't know if they'll leave a voicemail, but I can only assume Obama is after us (if not for my Republican views than for my money). Trust No One.

The sun is finally out!

It's been a rough week and I've learned something about myself. I may not feel emotional, but that doesn't stop me from eating. I don't mean that I wasn't emotionally stressed and ate anyway. I mean that I know there are emotional stresses on me now, I suppress them, but they have come out in the form of eating. I've eaten so much in the past two days, yesterday being the scariest. I couldn't stop eating. I wanted to stop eating, I was getting ready to eat something yesterday and told myself that it wasn't too late to change my mind and not eat it, but even as I told myself this I ate a spoonful. I ate so much candy and chips in addition to dinner last night. I finally decided that I need to face the problem instead of trying to build up stomach fat to hide it away.

BB has pretty much begun to date J Darko (And I kind of can't stand her). I've been telling myself it doesn't matter, convincing myself that I didn't like him that much or that the two of them are more perfect for each other than anything. Besides, he was just the aloe for the TDH burn, right? But it's still a loss, still one more guy who would rather be with someone else than with me.

And it's not just boys. My life is on the precipice of change. At church I was released from my calling, well, I will be released this Sunday. I've had this calling for two years, it was my constant, it changed my very being, and now it will end. I know that doesn't mean I'll revert to the person I was, but it was the most meaningful thing in my life. Whether or not I want to admit it I think losing it has also had an effect on the way I have been eating and the way I have been feeling.

I play basketball (of course you know that) but now it's competative. I don't play with the guys right now because at church we are playing other teams. We have a game tomorrow night and all week I have been contemplating whether or not I even want to go. Whether or not I even want to go, that has never been an issue before. It's always been 'of course I'm going, I love basketball, I breathe it'...but this week...

I know that I'll go, but the other thought is why play so hard? And I do play hard. My team, we're good, I'm sure of it, but we keep losing. I beat myself up trying to win these games and it seems like last year with fewer players we were undefeatable and this year with plenty of girls we can't seem to get it together. Not to mention that J Darko is on the team and she's a show-off which loses us more points than people realize. If she would just pass the ball and not try to impress people so much maybe a shot would be made, 2 or 3 points in our favor. Maybe I wouldn't have to fight so hard to get her rebounds when she tries to make a shot from outside of the key. It's not that I'm blaming her, because everyone is to blame really. But if I must be honest I want to blame her, cause maybe if I blame her I'll stop eating my feelings, I'll stop beating myself up for each shot missed, each pass lost.

I realize that right now I may sound sad or depressed. Don't worry, this is just my bored voice. I feel I have to write these things down to stop myself from eating everything. If that makes sense.

Come What May and Love It.

Warning: This post is long and contains secrets, which is why it's in the secret blog.

What a weekend! I mean, seriously, I feel like I need to take a day off this week just to recover from the weekend that I have had. Let's just do this in chronological order shall we? It might be easier for me not to miss any details that way.

Friday night was our basketball game. I love basketball, I don't know if I have expressed that or not and I love it for several different reasons. The first being that I love to move around, I don't so much enjoy running constantly, but I love running from one end to the next and then stopping, trying to block a pass or a shot and then running to the other end and try to make a shot or get a rebound. Another reason I love basketball is because it's the only known time (that I'm aware of) that I think of nothing else. My head is completely in the game. I'm not thinking of things that have gone wrong, I'm not thinking of what I have to do at home or what needs to be done the next day. Work doesn't exist...nothing...get the point. The only thing I think about is the game, I don't have any other time that I am so focused on one thing. I like being focused on just one thing, but can't seem to emulate this in any other facet of my life. So there, now you know.

The bad thing about basketball though is that if we lose the game then all my mistakes come crashing in on me. Some people can make loads of mistakes and not even give them a second thought because they don't feel like if they played a little more with the team that we could have won, because when they did their fancy move they got the applause from the crowd and that's what mattered. Not that I'm going off on anyone....cause I'm not...really. Actually, what I am trying to do here is tell myself that losing by one point can't possibly be all of my fault. I've developed myself so far where I judge a little less harshly those around me so now it is time to get down to work on judging myself less harshly.

After the game we went to O'Charly's with a bunch of people and that was pretty fun. I can't really remember the details of it, but that's probably because I'm naturally a pessimist and we don't remember the good stuff as easily (just ask my mom - it drives her crazy).

Saturday I slept as long as I possibly could (but I still woke up too early) and got ready for work. I had to work 11-6 and I'm not complaining, but last week I worked 5 hours and before that I had been off since before Christmas (from this job) and I was sleepy and tired. I wanted to get off early, in fact when I got there I thought it might be a possibility because it was so slow...but as soon as they put me on register it go busy and stayed that way! But I don't mind that because it makes time fly by.

Right after work I went over to my sister's house because she was certain that her dog was going to have puppies that night and her husband had to work. So I went over, changed, ate pizza and we sat and waited for her dog to go into labor. That's boring by the way, at least it would be if you were all alone. My best friend from high school came over too. She's not my best friend anymore, and I'm not hers and it doesn't hurt, it's just the way it is. The sad thing to me is though is that I have to work on not letting her bug me. It shouldn't be that way, but it is and I'm working on it, and that's it. I ran home at one point to grab my space heater and let my dog out for a bit, and I left one other time to go fill up my car before Sunday. After a few hours her husband came home and we made him sit with the dog while we watched a movie, then the three of us sat with the dog while he went to bed (men). I was voted most capable of giving a quick prayer to watch over us, the dog, and the puppies and then we waited some more. Around 2:00 a.m. we still sat puppy-less and I had to go home and take care of my own dog. So I left, wishing them luck and fully expecting to stop by on my way to church to meet the new additions.

I got home, without my space heater (the puppies would need it more) and let my dog sleep in my bed for the warmth factor. The next morning I woke up in my cold room and went to take a warm shower. As I was getting ready (and I was getting ready early because of my intentions to see the puppies before church) my brother-in-law called. Mama-dog was having the puppies! I guess it didn't really hit me because I was like, "Um, okay, I'll stop by on my way to church." But after I hung up I hurried getting ready and then went over. I got there and a puppy was halfway out. I pulled back my hair, put on some gloves and got to work. While we were working on that first puppy (which took an hour by the way) I kept thinking that maybe I should have been a vet. I let things scare me (such as Science class) and then I don't do these things. I wanted to be a vet in high school and when told I would have to take a lot of math and science I changed my mind. But I could do it I think, if I could get past the schooling part, a lot of this comes natural. Yeah, birthing puppies is gross, but I got right in there, with my Sunday clothes and bruised and bleeding knees (from basketball Friday - and the bleeding happened when I got on the ground and hit it just right, reopening the wound). My brother-in-law panicked, which agitated my sister and I wondered how they would do if they had to deliver more puppies after I had to leave...because I had to leave. I was going to go to church late but I had a meeting after church and couldn't miss it, so I would go for the last hour and possibly check in on them on my way home. At 2:30 I had to leave and there were only two puppies. I told them goodbye and wished them luck and I really did think they should have the luck.

AND they did, I found out later that high school Best Friend was there just as the next three came out (in quick succession). In total there were 8 puppies and I am going to go see them after work today, but as is, that's the end of that story.

As I said it was a busy weekend, and it spilled over into this morning, so now we are at 3:00 p.m. yesterday. I have to get a new crush, granted this is not high on my priority list, but it makes church better and makes a lot of things better...just liking someone makes me feel more fully functioning. BB (formerly known as TDH jr.) is out of the running. I think he and J. Darko are going to work on becoming an item. And the thing is I can't hate her, I can't get upset when she beams because she doesn't know I like him. She's just a girl who decided what she wanted and went for it. I can't get upset with him because he didn't know I liked him and then there are the whole lack of self confidence issues that I have where I wonder why I thought he'd ever like me in return. But that leads us back to trying to be easier on myself (makes me think of the Michael Mclean song "Gentle" which got played countless times in high school with my darkened room because I had serious issues as a teenager, well, not serious as in serious subject, more like seriously, something is wrong with that drama queen). ...Back to my story. So - that's that, it's over and done with and I need to move on.

In Relief Society our lesson was on the General Conference talk Come What May and Love It. I loved that talk when I first heard it in October and I loved it more when we talked about it yesterday. I just didn't know I would have to apply it all so quickly.

After church I talked to a few people until Tyrant (who I will just call Coach from now on) came and got me. I was nervous as to why she was calling me into the hallway but I went anyway. I put my head down and she told me I wasn't in trouble but then proceeded to shove me into the bishop's office! Little Brother jumped in and gave me a hug which made me wonder even more what I had done and why I was in the bishop's office and what did he know that I didn't. As the door was closing and I looked through it's ever waning space to the hallway with my panic stricken face I locked eyes with BB's little sister and her expression showed that I looked scared, and I was. Really it was all quite humorous.

But then the door was closed and the bishop told me to take a seat. I was nervous and he could tell and he told me there was nothing to be nervous about. So I sat down, but I couldn't get the expression off of my face, well, I thought I had, but when he reassured me again that I wasn't in trouble I realized I still may have been panicked looking.

Then he told me that they were going to release me, not just me but the whole presidency. He told me that we are a training ward and while he preferred to keep everything as is, we need to give everyone a chance to serve and learn and grow. I've been in this calling for two years, one year as the Education counselor and the other as the Enrichment counselor. I hated the idea of the calling at first, thinking that there was no way I was qualified to be a leader and an example in that ward. I didn't even go to Relief Society before this calling was originally extended to me. I didn't go to Enrichment after that until I was called as the Enrichment counselor. The Lord has truly known me, and called me to do the things that I needed to do, that I needed to learn and grow in. And now, he'll call someone else who needs it as much as I did.

It's amazing to me, how far I have come in the last two years. What kind of person I have changed in to while on this veritable roller coaster on personal growth and achievement! I have sunk to the bottom but I have also soared to the top. I don't think I would be the person I am at this point in my life without this calling. I wouldn't know what it feels like to have a genuine love for strangers (the sisters in the Relief Society that I didn't even know their names), I wouldn't appreciate the hard work that goes into Enrichment, I would understand the inspiration that goes into organizing Relief Society. I'm eternally grateful for this calling, for the chance that I had to serve in that capacity.

The bishop informed me that they have plans for me, that I was too valuable not to use, as if that was supposed to make me feel better. He said they had my name on several list and one needed to get approval (like that is suppose to ease my nerves? I don't think so). What kind of calling in the ward needs approval beyond the bishop?? And while I don't want any other calling in the ward but the one I have for one more week, whatever the calling I hope that I can learn to accept it, learn to love it and see what the Lord wants me to take away from it, as I have with this calling.

I told the bishop I knew this release was coming. It wasn't a burning in the bosom or anything like that, and it wasn't a confirmation...it was a couple of weeks ago, when I realized that I loved my calling, and despite my complaints over the last two years about having to teach once every three months or having to be the Enrichment Counselor...or having to have the calling at all, I truly enjoyed it. I enjoyed every minute of it, I enjoyed the friendships that were formed because of it, the blessings that yielded because it and the growth that I have gone through. Sorry, enough of my blabbing, but seriously, I have had this calling for two years. It was my constant, and now it's changing. I had that longer than my job right now, I had it longer than anything else that has happened since I graduated college almost three years ago.

So after I got out of meeting with the bishop Coach grabbed me and we found a room where we could talk about it, because at the time we were the only two in the presidency who knew. SFHB and Tidbit hadn't found out yet. The moment we go into the room I started to cry, I didn't mean to, it just happened. I told Coach that I didn't think I would cry when it finally happened, but here I was, I had loved the calling and now it was gone. She felt the same way, she said she knew it was coming, but she didn't think it would come that soon. We finally made sure that we didn't look like we had been crying and went back out into the hallway.

BB's little sister put her arm through mine and asked if we could really be friends now. I don't know what that was all about but I said 'yes'. Then I laughed and joked with her, I asked her if since she was the kind of person who became "official" with her friends if she was also the type that breaks up with her friends. And if she does, how do you end that? Cause you can't fall back on the 'I'd really like to stay friends' bit that you pull when you break up with a boy. I don't care that she is a person who officializes friendships, I want to be her friend, whether or not she's BB's sister I have thought she was pretty fantastic from the day I met her (due to my calling) when our goal at first had been to go visit the sisters and two of us went to visit her. So there, at least I got a new friend out of it.

After church we had a meeting, the presidency had planned a meeting for yesterday obviously before we knew that a meeting would be pointless at this point. So we went to Coach's apartment and talked about the shock, talked about what the bishop said to us, if any of us got a calling that day or not (SFHB was the only one). I'm going to miss our meetings, and hopefully we'll all still hang out together. I was said because I was just getting to know tidbit and I wrote her a note earlier (before I knew) and told her how much I enjoyed getting to know her and serving with her...it must have been inspiration, a last chance to say it before it was no more.

We went straight from Coach's apartment (tired, mentally exhausted, and hungry) to the fireside where a man who was a Holocaust survivor came to talk about his experience. It was interesting, and he was funny at times, but I couldn't always understand him and he had a tendency to ramble...oh and there was the fact that I was completely distracted by the thought that in a week my life is going to be completely different. Didn't help either that BB and J-Darko were sitting next to each other a few rows up. I wasn't the only one distracted though, SFHB, Coach and Tidbit all agreed that we couldn't focus on the fireside.

After the fireside I came home (it was almost 9:30) and my home teachers came over to home teach me. I stayed in my Sunday clothes, thinking about what I could have for dinner and if I should even eat this late. They came, brought cookies (yum-o) and taught me a really good lesson. They tried to learn a little bit about me and in my low-blood sugar state I talked super fast and at least made them smile even if they had no clue what I was saying. Then Soul Patch told me if there was anything they could do then ask, but not to ask to take out the garbage because they probably wouldn't come over for that, but bigger things that I actually would need help on. Way to serve there Soul Patch, but it just made me laugh. They left and I finally ate.

I finally went to bed only to wake up at 1:00 a.m. because my ear itched...seriously, I probably have roach in there *gag*. Then I woke up again when my alarm went off...went forward and my forehead banged into the wall...wrong way I guess. I turned the other way and turned off my alarm. I got to work and there was an e-mail from my roommate, Moxie, and she's thinking of moving out early! It's hard enough to try and come up with two people by June...but one, by the end of February!? Since it's a breach in contract I told her that she'd have to find someone to take her place, like she would have to do in Provo if she wanted to move out earlier. She agreed that she would do that, but she would suggest names first so we could figure out if we even wanted that person to move in.

I don't know, maybe I should just move home in June. This is getting too complicated.

Do you see what I am saying about this weekend? Absolute mayhem.

Just so you know, next week will be my last week to teach...as a member of the presidency at least. I'm excited and nervous, but who else gets the chance to teach their last Sunday? Just me. That's it. Until next time.

Hello Old Friend

So I told my friend about this blog (I am working on a nickname, but don't pressure me that always makes it harder) and then I preceded to spend a majority of my morning at work reading over old blog entries.

It is amazing to me how much I have changed in such a short amount of time. While I find my previous writings very amusing and wish (just a little) that I had that kind of drama to keep me writing this way, I'm impressed and grateful for how much I've changed. I get along with SFHB, though she still bugs me sometimes - I don't let myself blow up the way I used to. I don't let it bug me as much, because seriously, talk about a waste of energy. I actually like Tyrant, yes, sometimes she's demanding, but I like her, I like being her friend and I feel like she wants to be mine. So...we'll do that. Pack Rat has become the roommate that I am closest to now, though I don't consider myself close to any of them really...not in the way I was close to some roommates in college (SweatPea, Dragon, Oreo, and others who were before the days of Brutally Honest).

I quit this blog for the obvious reasons, without the insatiable rage fueling my creative energies there really was no purpose to a blog entitled "Brutally Honest" where I state how I really feel about people. Funny - yes, helpful towards being a better person - No.

Well, thought I would just drop in and say 'hello'.

D-A-M Feminist (Part 2) And We're Back

Pa-lease! (article)

"Girls want this because they’re told to want this, because they think they should, and that’s what their friends are getting. We gender-label things," she says. "I’m a girl so I should enjoy shopping and cooking and getting a manicure and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with a guy enjoying that, either." - Karen Shanor, a neuropsychologist based in Washington D.C.

D-A-M Feminists

First off, let's address the issue that's most vital to our survival as a species. Yes, there is something wrong with a guy enjoying manicures. There, I've said it. I'm sorry but I don't want a man who is more pampered than I am. The whole cooking and shopping thing is fine, but manicures are crossing the line. Then there is the whole, "Girls like this because they are told to like this." Bullcrap. I have said it before and I'll say it again, there are differences between the genders, whether you try to ignore them or not, whether you try to create each person in the world to somehow be a unisex individual there are still these innate differences. Tony Key (from the article) states that girls like to create and boys like to destroy. ...Duh, this guy is spewing proverbial wisdom and what does Shanor have to say about it?

"Boys want to blow things up because that’s what they’re told their territory is."

*mouth open* I suppose I didn't realize that I shoved it down my nephew’s throat to turn everything into a gun or sword and fight with them, or that I told him that it was his territory to knock down everything that was built out of Legos and building blocks. All of this before he could even talk. What about my niece? No one told her to be a girly girl, to enjoy dressing up her dolls and naming them and nurturing them. No one wanted her to want to wear make-up, much less taught her that it was what she should want. Face it pig headed feminists, some things are innate, their degrees vary, there are exceptions (yourselves for instance). But just because you want to feel that the way you are is right doesn't mean that everyone has to adhere to it. Women are not in a man made prison of gender adherence. This is just the way things are. Its okay if you're a girl and like to destroy things and its okay if you're a guy and like to nurture and create, that's your prerogative, but the problem comes when they grow up and assume that they were different, that somehow they "escaped" the constraints and tyranny of society. They want to open the eyes of everyone around them and they’ll do it by force if they must, and they won’t stop.

The problem with society is that they don’t let girls just figure out what they want! I’m not a guy so I can’t say if it’s happening with them either. If a girl wants to take on a traditional role the feminist voice in society is screaming at them and telling them that they can’t want that, it tells them that they only think they want it. Shanor says that there’s nothing wrong with it if a girl enjoys cooking and shopping and getting manicures but in the very same statement she is saying that it’s unfair to the girls, a few lines before in the article she says it’s even harmful to them, to have games about what a test group of girls said they wanted. She cannot even get her statements to agree and she is fighting against something that was researched, something that sells. She'd rather the girls play "Halo" and "Grand Theft Auto"? Does she want them to play games like "Fallout" until they find that they enjoy them? I'm just sick and tired of society trying to wipe out the natural humanity that women are born with. I personally don't like violent games that guys tend to play, I don't want to play them and I'd be thrilled if the guys didn't, but they do, and I'm not going to start a rampage and force them to play "Fashion Designer" or "Babyz"...I don't even want to play those games. But that's what I'm saying. If a girl doesn't enjoy playing these games she won't. If she'd rather play "Halo" she will. I'm tired of the feminist thinking that we are mindless drones because we want a family, enjoy fashion, shopping, cooking, maybe even cleaning (man I wish I had that problem!). We must be mindless because we care what other people think, how they feel, because maybe we want to nurture people, build them up rather than tear them down. There is nothing gender forced or unnatural with any girl or woman who chooses what she prefers to do, whether it's the ambition to become a CEO or a mother.

Step back Shanor and look at yourself. Who is really trying to force gender roles here?

It's my Party and I'll cry if I want to

I'm not depressed, about being a year older or anything else for that matter...but I am emotional for some reason. I've gone through my mental checklist of various reasons why I would be emotional and everything is clear so far. I'm fine with being older, I've accepted my single status for the time being (this does change from year to year). Birthdays haven't ever really been a big deal for me. But I think one problem is that this year I actually expected something. I expected getting what I got last year. A decorated workstation, lunch at my favorite restaurant, etc. But I didn't get those things. And that was fine, but it felt like a let-down.

Granted, lunch will be on a day that my boss isn't sick to her stomach and the decorated workstation was just plain embarrassing.

Facebook tells all of your friends that it is your birthday and with 400+ friends (yeah I was surprised by that too) it's not surprising that in 10 minutes 7 friends would write on my wall to say "Happy Birthday". When I got home for lunch there were already 24 or so that had done it and it was just 1 o'clock. But I almost wish they wouldn't. I don't like to make a big deal out of these things. However, one thing that I really appreciate is the phone call I got from Baby Face. I missed it by probably 30 seconds so I just waited for the voicemail. I don't know why I love this kid so much, but this might have something to do with it. He left a message saying that he heard from someone (Facebook) that it was my birthday and that if I wasn't doing anything, which I probably was, I should stop by the store tonight because he is working. I don't know why but it's one of my favorite things this birthday, and I'll be going in to see him. How could I not when he made that effort? It's a whole lot better than a "happy birthday" on my wall. ...I would totally be his girlfriend.

But before that I'll be going to my parent's house to eat dinner...Yum-o!