The sun is finally out!

It's been a rough week and I've learned something about myself. I may not feel emotional, but that doesn't stop me from eating. I don't mean that I wasn't emotionally stressed and ate anyway. I mean that I know there are emotional stresses on me now, I suppress them, but they have come out in the form of eating. I've eaten so much in the past two days, yesterday being the scariest. I couldn't stop eating. I wanted to stop eating, I was getting ready to eat something yesterday and told myself that it wasn't too late to change my mind and not eat it, but even as I told myself this I ate a spoonful. I ate so much candy and chips in addition to dinner last night. I finally decided that I need to face the problem instead of trying to build up stomach fat to hide it away.

BB has pretty much begun to date J Darko (And I kind of can't stand her). I've been telling myself it doesn't matter, convincing myself that I didn't like him that much or that the two of them are more perfect for each other than anything. Besides, he was just the aloe for the TDH burn, right? But it's still a loss, still one more guy who would rather be with someone else than with me.

And it's not just boys. My life is on the precipice of change. At church I was released from my calling, well, I will be released this Sunday. I've had this calling for two years, it was my constant, it changed my very being, and now it will end. I know that doesn't mean I'll revert to the person I was, but it was the most meaningful thing in my life. Whether or not I want to admit it I think losing it has also had an effect on the way I have been eating and the way I have been feeling.

I play basketball (of course you know that) but now it's competative. I don't play with the guys right now because at church we are playing other teams. We have a game tomorrow night and all week I have been contemplating whether or not I even want to go. Whether or not I even want to go, that has never been an issue before. It's always been 'of course I'm going, I love basketball, I breathe it'...but this week...

I know that I'll go, but the other thought is why play so hard? And I do play hard. My team, we're good, I'm sure of it, but we keep losing. I beat myself up trying to win these games and it seems like last year with fewer players we were undefeatable and this year with plenty of girls we can't seem to get it together. Not to mention that J Darko is on the team and she's a show-off which loses us more points than people realize. If she would just pass the ball and not try to impress people so much maybe a shot would be made, 2 or 3 points in our favor. Maybe I wouldn't have to fight so hard to get her rebounds when she tries to make a shot from outside of the key. It's not that I'm blaming her, because everyone is to blame really. But if I must be honest I want to blame her, cause maybe if I blame her I'll stop eating my feelings, I'll stop beating myself up for each shot missed, each pass lost.

I realize that right now I may sound sad or depressed. Don't worry, this is just my bored voice. I feel I have to write these things down to stop myself from eating everything. If that makes sense.