Chapter 144: Boys suck...that's all.

I’ve been emotionally eating lately. There are several reasons for this, my aunt’s death, changes at work, boys, nothing better to do, boys, frustration, etc. First, I gave up sugar during the week, granted the weekends I may have made up for it, but whatever. Back when I was getting ready for the 10k I was running about 6 miles most days of the week, sometimes 4 -5 days a week and did I lose any weight? Nada. So I found myself with the same pitfall, no sugar, countless days and hours without my sweet, sweet sugar. And what did it get me? Fluctuating weight, at least when I ate sugar it was a constant “You’re fat!” screaming at me from the scale, instead it’s, “Feel good about yourself” Tuesday, or “Despair into an endless spiral of depression because you are a tub of lard in human skin” Wednesday. So this past week I’ve sucked at refraining. Doesn’t make me feel better in the long run, but during the moment itself its worth it.

So some other frustrations - Every time B2 comes over to watch a movie with Moxie he comes down and hangs out in my room for a while. I don’t know if Moxie is still getting ready or if he says, “Let me go torture Honey for a while, just for the hell of it.” It’s not that I think he likes me, because I think it’s obvious that he doesn’t, but I can’t figure out why he bothers, unless of course he wants me to be his buddy, and I swear if I am his “buddy” I’m going to slit my wrist. I can’t bear to be “buddy” to one more guy. I just don’t want to be anywhere near him sometimes, but at the same time I do...I'm so weird. In the book I’m reading right now I liked how the main character put it, “I was selfish enough to miss her (let’s insert him from here on out) but sane enough to know we had never really been together. I was fully prepared to forget about him. I just wasn’t prepared to see him again.” It’s a bit of a deeper scale than I am living through here. But it’s in a way how I feel. I’m totally prepared to forget him, but we think we are ready to do one thing, we think we’ve controlled how we feel and then we see the guy again…and all that goes out the freaking window. When I was an overly dramatic teenager I wrote a lot of poetry. I should burn the stuff, but I can’t bring myself to do it, not that I think it’s of any worth, but I have to have something to show for that incredibly awkward stage in my life. In one of my poems I wrote, “I’ve tried so hard for months now, to forget the very thought of you. I hear your voice I see your face, I forget what I set out to do.” Boys suck. I don’t even think I like him anymore (no real way to be sure) but it kind of sucks that the only boy who gives you any bit of attention doesn’t even want you, he’s just some strange nice guy who may or may not feel sorry for you.

It’s a lose-lose situation for him, I don’t think I want him to come down and torture me, but I would feel worse I think if he didn’t come down at all. I’m the typical woman, the one they poke fun at in the movies, I don’t know what I want.

My boss has recently mentioned training for me, training in interviewing and becoming an HR generalist. Apparently I’ve put in my time as a chair counting, facilities liaison and have proven my tenure and steadfastness so that I can now have some purpose, and head on my way to a higher paying title. Who knew? But I’m sitting at work wondering what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t mind the idea of being a generalist, even though I don’t want to sit on either side of the interviewing table, but beyond that I’d prefer no more responsibility. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the job my boss has does not appeal to me, I don’t need that kind of stress, and I’m not dedicated enough to put in the kind of time that she puts in. I sat there thinking that maybe all along I’ve really just wanted to be a house wife, though that thought scares me just as much as being a VP of Human Resources. I have to wonder why I’m such a lazy, miserable rag of an individual. But maybe in the back of my mind I’m hoping (me…hope – odd I know) that I will get married and be supported by the man I marry.

This idea had me thinking a couple of times…how old would I go? I’ve played the how low would I go game, and found that at one point in my life it was a little low, but I didn’t go. Now we have advanced to old, because as I quickly approach 26 I think I’m preparing to cross that threshold. Since I can’t seem to attract people my age (which would be nice once in a while) I am left wondering if I will end up with someone seven years younger than me or 20 years older. Yesterday the CFO said something about how he would trade seats with the Payroll Administrator for her good views, one of the duck pond and the other of me…awkward by the way, this guy is like 60 or so. Then tonight I ran into this guy I used to kind of work with. He was night crew where I used to work and he always made me uncomfortable with how he talked to me. He would tell me I was pretty and such and then would ask me to turn around or something, or he would try to watch as I walked away. It was weird, and this guy is married and has a daughter my age…so yes, that means he’s old enough to be my father. Well I ran into him tonight, after months and months of not seeing him. So he’s asking me how everything is going and I’m trying to act casual and not totally weirded out because as he’s talking to me I feel like my left breast is getting more attention than my eyes. Then before we part ways he says, “If you’re ever looking for a boyfriend I’m available.” I’m not good in these situations because that was a random statement, I don’t feel like flirting, and I can’t tell if he is joking. So I kind of nervously laugh and said, “Uh, yeah, I’ll be in touch.” Or something like that. Can’t really remember because I tend to go blank after such awkward moments, it’s my body’s natural defense mechanism.

And why the hell do I keep thinking of DND?! This is a daily occurrence and it’s beginning to bug me. The book I’m reading is one he recommended. I see a Ford Mustang, same color as his, everyday, if not in the parking lot at work on the road, and I keep thinking, “What was wrong with him?” Why couldn’t I just like him? Why am I sitting here wondering why I couldn’t just like a 30- something year old guy who plays Dungeons and Dragons, performs annually at Renaissance fairs, and who knows what other kind of mythical games. I mean the answer is in there right? And yet, those weren’t the reasons I felt compelled to tell him I couldn’t go out with him anymore, they honestly weren’t, I just couldn’t make myself be attracted to him. He wasn’t ugly, but there was nothing there.
I hate my life.