Chapter 142: That place between sleep and awake

So I’ve discovered that I’m a jerk, I mean I’ve always known that I am one, but I usually can hide it. All of my life I was sick of people thinking that I am always joking because I would say things to people seriously and they would laugh. Ms. X did that a lot, I would tell her how I really felt about her but with a smile, so I found I could say anything I wanted to and she would think it was a joke, i.e., “You’re a slut,” “I can’t stand you,” and the list goes on and on. I would choose words that were slightly more subtle of course, but I still got some of my aggression out of the way.
Well, I’m beginning to think that I reached that delicate line where people begin to realize that I’m not kidding. Granted there are still times that I am kidding, but there are certain people where if you know enough of how I feel about them you know I’m not kidding.
For example, yesterday I was talking to Nurse Betty who is moving to Maryland and told her that I wanted to come visit her after she moves and SF-HB was in ear shot and she said, “Yeah me too,” and I quickly, and I mean quickly, faster than a speeding bullet, surprised myself – quickly responded, “Not with you!” Did I mean it? Yes. Did I mean to say it? No. But it came out; I’m tired of Ms. Tagalong always inviting herself when I say I want to do something. It’s not an invitation, we’re not in Eskimo country where they suggest something and hope you take them up on the offer, we’re amongst rude middle class Caucasians, you need a specific invite. I.E. “Slut faced ho bag, I was thinking of going to visit Nurse Betty in Maryland would you like to come with me?” Which of course would never happen anyway, but that’s more of how it would be worded if I wanted her to come along. Me telling Nurse Betty that I want to visit her has no traces of an invitation for SF-HB to tagalong.
But that’s just one example of me being a jerk to someone’s face. Earlier that day SF-HB came up to Petunia and me right before church and asked where she should sit, I pointed across the room and Petunia said ‘outside’. That really was joking though, I didn’t care if SF-HB sat with me, but who do you think it got pointed out more for the rude comment? Me. No one mentioned Petunia’s rude comment; I at least let her stay inside.
So as the day went on I realized that I was a jerk. I don’t know how long I’ve been a public jerk, but I began to feel a little bad. Not a lot bad, because despite what people say you can feel partially bad, but not all the way. It’s like a candle with a flickering light about to die. It can partially be glowing, withering in the place between death and life, still able to make one final choice or go completely out. I am a flickering candle, to be a jerk or not to be a jerk that is the question. So with my partially feeling bad I didn’t want to apologize to SF-HB (I didn’t do it begrudgingly, but I wondered if there was a need to do it or not) but I knew that it was the right thing to do. So when we were both down stairs I apologized to her, telling her that I realized I am a jerk, but I was worse than normal. So then she starts going off and I’m biting my tongue because I just told her I was going to work on not being a jerk. But she’s saying how she was talking to Packrat about it and wondering if she had done anything to upset me and was worried I really hated her. I lied and told her that I didn’t, because sometimes you should lie. She said that she thought maybe it had to do with her hanging out with Packrat all the time, and I had to bite my tongue again and said, “No, it’s definitely not that, don’t worry about that.” When what I wanted to say was, “Oh no, that’s exactly what I want to keep happening because it keeps you out of my hair.” So help me if she tries harder, we’ll have to have a smack down. But she kept going on and on, egoistically thinking that it the reason I was treating her the way I have been was all due to my jealously. I may suffer from the green eyed monster but it has never involved anything regarding SF-HB. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was simply based on the fact that I can’t stand her.
Anyway, the whole point being, I’m feeling rather rude lately, and I think I’m going to try to be nicer to people…well, you know, to their faces. I’ll still update on a regular basis.