Chapter 140: Death and Sadness are two inevitables of life

Denial - (1): refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge)
(2): a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality
— in denial : refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant.

My aunt died today.

I’m sitting here at work because I don’t want to tell my boss that she died and I need to go to my parent’s house. I keep thinking that I can just make it through the last two hours and I probably could because as you can see above, I think I am in denial. It’s so easy to do when you aren’t physical near someone. Part of me just thinks that I’m a selfish brat who doesn’t like to have life interrupted. For example, I’d appreciate all of you reading this to not mention this to anyone. I don’t want MM, SF-HB, or Packrat knowing. The worst one being SF-HB, I don’t like how she’ll try to mother me and make everything better. Do you see what I am saying about the flaws in my own character? I mean, I know that I am a jerk, but even in this moment I’m concerned about how these people will treat me should they find out.
I am upset about my aunt, just to make things clear, I just don’t like to share that side of myself with many people. My boss and coworkers included. My sister called me at work and I was talking to her, trying to console her and make sure she is okay but also being careful with my words because I didn’t want anyone who could hear me to know that something major had happened. When I hung up the phone Dilbert asked if everyone was okay and I paused because, ‘no’ not everyone is okay. But I decided to say that everyone was going to be fine. Because what’s the point in bringing it up at work? What are they going to be able to do for me?
So instead I am sitting here at my desk, writing this and trying to convince myself that she is gone. I guess it’s just a little hard for me because two weeks ago I was in her house talking to her. It’s not like she was healthy and chipper, she was groggy from the pain medication and had to take a lot of naps, but she was there. I’m just so grateful that I went up to see her, that I didn’t shy away because sick people make me uncomfortable, not in the contagious way, but in the fragile way, I worry I’ll hurt them. I’m glad I gave her a hug and told her I love her. The part I feel the worst about is that my dad has a plane ticket to go up there tomorrow, he’s still going, but I’m sad for him because he was one day away from being with her. He wanted to go last weekend but couldn’t get tickets, so he settled for this weekend and it wasn’t soon enough.
It just makes me think of all the things I put off, all the things I should just do today because maybe you don’t have a tomorrow, and I know I sound like some lame e-mail forward, but it’s true. I have procrastinator’s blood following through my veins, things are done just as easily tomorrow as they could be done today, but that’s not always the case. And even when you know that you have a limited time, you keep thinking that it will be stretched to the max. I honestly believed she’d be with us for at least 6 more weeks.
Okay, I was getting ready to go to the bathroom and fix myself up because I started crying and my boss came over. I was trying to act like I was okay, but when people specifically ask me what’s wrong when something is wrong I can say “nothing,” but can’t keep from crying. I hate that. So I cried in front of my boss. I hate it, hate it, hate it. She kept asking what was wrong and I told her that it wasn’t work related, so she didn’t need to worry about that. Finally she got it out of me, I told her my Aunt died. She kept asking me if I wanted to go home, but honestly I think it’s better for me to just stay here and keep working, especially since we have to be completely packed up by tomorrow 5 pm. So I told her that I need to stay at work, she asked if I was going to need time off and I told her I wasn’t going to be able to go to the funeral, so no. I’ll pack up my stuff just in case my family needs me more than work tomorrow, and I’m sure that she’ll understand.
So I’ve been helping her pack, which at first I was worried would just be standing next to her as she packed, I can’t do that, I need to be doing something that will keep me busy, not keep me mindlessly staring. But then she just had me pack up her filing cabinet so I got to work. It was good, and the best part about it, after I insisted on staying and that it would be best not to talk about it, she stopped. I would laugh at certain things and felt a little guilty (one of the reasons I don’t like people to know these things, so I don’t feel guilty if I find something funny) but she joked around with me, laughed at the jokes I made and then we pulled in Dilbert and we were joking around. It’s what I needed.