Chapter 65: Twitterpated

I’m in love. I know, it’s a bit of a surprise, but it really doesn’t take that much to get me to fall in love. Today I worked with TDH for the last time. Before I went to work I sent him a message via the internet telling him he’d better get ready for working with me for the last time. He shows up early which has me tickled pink of course, I’m not even going to try and pretend like I don’t love having him around. We pretty much talked about how excited I was that this was the last time I was going to be doing the Part 1 class. He was trying to set up the AV equipment and we have to put a password in to get the screen to come down and he couldn’t remember the password so I reminded him and told him that I would make him a list of all the passwords he needs to remember so he could survive without me. I went through the class like an adrenaline rush, which is pretty much what gets me through every time I have to do Part 1. My finger tips lose circulation and I’m not sure what I am saying, but I think I am saying the right things, I hope I am at least. I was going through the material quickly and flawlessly that I was certain I was forgetting things, important things, but when I would look back at TDH to see if I had he just shook his head to indicate that I hadn’t.
On the break in the class I went to talk to TDH and my manager who were sitting at the back table. They had been watching for a while and while I know that I am leaving at the end of the week and she couldn’t possibly be taking notes on me it made me nervous that my manager was there taking notes at all. She got a serious look on her face and said, “Are you sure you want to leave?” It made me feel good inside, but also sad. They both told me that I was doing a good job. Now, most people really enjoy compliments, and I do, don’t get me wrong, but if the task is not complete I can’t receive a compliment, it messes me up because it seems to put an imaginary pressure on me to continue to do a good job and the pressure causes me to screw up. I feel like I flubbed the second part of class, but who knows because I’ve always been my worst critic.
In between classes Ducky came to see me! She brought treats. While we were changing the room over for the next class I was teasing TDH and then I said, “You’re going to miss me.” He just nodded and gave me the nicest compliment that he could give me, he basically said that he and our manager had been talking and both agreed that I was probably the best trainer for the Part 1…he said I was even better than he was, I told him that that was all I had ever wanted, and of course he dropped in that I was only better at the part 1 and I reminded him that I was a better cashier and bagger as well. TDH mentioned that I should be a promotional trainer and just work on Saturdays, but still be working as JSD. I considered it for a second, and then remembered that I’d be too busy for the next couple of months to dedicate my Saturdays to a second job.
After the night class TDH and I were grading papers and our manager (Red) walked in. She was helping us clean up, even though we were mostly done by that point and TDH leaned in and asked me how to spell a word. I whispered the correct spelling back and then laughed. I told him that he was going to miss having me around to help him spell. Then another trainer came in, she had had a class in another room and asked us when we would be leaving, TDH said that we would be done in 10 minutes. I laughed and almost said something back about 10 minutes to him was like half an hour. But I didn’t, needless to say we didn’t exit the building until 45 minutes later. Before then we were putting the rest of the stuff away and I made the mistake of telling him things I had heard about him from other people, and they weren’t exactly positive things. I felt bad as soon as I said them, and I’m not sure why I brought them up, and he was getting upset because I wouldn’t say who said them and I started to cry out, “I don’t want us to end this way!” He just laughed, but was certain to tell me later that there was a manager in one of my stores who didn’t have all positive things to say about me, I immediately guessed who it was because I know that there is a manager at one of my stores who doesn’t like me. So much for his plans to get even.
When we were signing out I ask TDH what time it was and he said, “10:30”, I wrote it down while I said, “TDH! You’re Killing Me!” and he says, “Well…you’re killing me!” We finished signing out, set the alarm and went to the parking lot. Usually when we are walking out to the parking lot we talk until a certain breaking point, when I got towards my car and he goes towards his. But this night was different. We stopped and talked! At one point while we were talking a bat flew overhead. I mentioned how it was a bat and TDH asked if I were sure and then he goes, “No, you’re right because the wings went like this,” and made an awkward motion with his bent arms moving up and down. I tried to get him to do a replay because I thought it was so funny but he caught on to what I was doing. I asked him if the bat brought back childhood memories. He had told me a long, long time ago about this time him and his grandma found a bat in the house and killed it with a garden ho. It was so entertaining to watch him tell the story again. I noticed that while we talked we rotated around some invisible axis. I’d be facing the building and without noticing that I had moved I would be facing where his car was parked, and then where mine was parked, then the main street, back to the building. I don’t know if he noticed but once I did I could help but smile that it was happening that way some how.
We kept talking about work and he even went into a whole thing about his family and why he doesn’t like his mom. It was kind of sad, but I got to know more about him in one night than I had from a year of working with him. When two bats flew overhead he mentioned something about how he wished he had his shotgun so he could shoot them and I said he’d better not, not in that neighborhood, the cops might come. So he said that we should probably get going before they came and got us for loitering. So we said ‘goodbye’ and when I got into my car I realized that it was 12:00! We had been talking for an hour and half! By far my most favorite night working! I was a little giddy when I got home and I called Ducky because I just had to talk about it. For some reason I am still a 17 year old and am now absolutely in love with him!

Chapter 64: Mad Cows and Burnt Fries

I’m a horrible person, yesterday was just proof of all of that. I was so angry at people who I had no right being angry at.
Today wasn’t all that much better. I went to ward council for Ducky today, she asked me to do it last night and I figured that there was no harm in it. What I didn’t know is that the meeting would end early for the first time ever and I had a half an hour before church started. I was sitting in a pew by myself and I had all my stuff next to me…a natural barrier? Unconsciously set up if that’s what it was. A member of the bishopric came over and sat down near me. He punched my arm and said that he had heard I was asked to that ridiculous dating activity and that I had said no. I defended myself, explaining that I had to work that night and was unable to go. I asked him how he had heard because I certainly didn’t tell a lot of people, but he wouldn’t reveal his sources. He also knew about my new job and I told him that he was a little gossip, he just laughed and then got up to go practice singing (the guys were singing in church that day).
Then I was writing in my “journal” which to be honest I can’t find my journal so I just had a notebook I was writing in. Mr. Collins started to come over to sit by me. I flipped the notebook over so that he wouldn’t be able to see what I was writing. Of course he asked me what I had in my lap, I said, “It’s my journal” I don’t lie as much as people think I do. Then he was like, “Oh what’s that?” and pointed in the opposite direction. I looked straight ahead, my pity smile on my face and said, “I don’t fall for that, you let it happen once in fourth grade you don’t let it happen again.” Why was I joking around? I don’t know, nervous habit. Then he kept trying to let me sit next to him. He asked about my barrier and I stated that I was just that kind of person, setting up barriers, and you know what? It wasn’t a lie even though I said it with a smile. I told him that my stuff was saving Diva’s seat and he said, “Well, why don’t you scoot down and then you can still sit by Diva and I can sit on the other side of you.” I told him that I sit on the end, I don’t like to be enclosed by people. Half lie, though if I did have it my way I would sit on the end every Sunday. Then Asshole comes up and hits me in the arm, so I turn to him thinking he would try to save me for some stupid reason and he just says, “ha-ha” and started to walk away. I hit him before he could go too far.
Then Jelly bean’s fiancé came and sat down (I don’t know if he has a name yet). Then Mr. Collins says, “well I guess I’m sitting here,” like he hadn’t made the decision to make my life a living hell before he sat down. Motor Mouth came up to me and asked what she could do, I told her to tell Diva I had saved her seat and she should come and sit there. Diva waved me over to where she was sitting and told me to just come sit with her, but I couldn’t be that obvious, I am just too freaking nice! Not a redeeming quality. So she finally came back to sit down, but by that time Mr. Collins had disappeared. So we sat down and then Diva got up to go sit by Jelly Bean! An action that I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for! As soon as she sat down church started and I didn’t feel like moving across the bodies to sit on the other side on the off chance that Mr. Collins would return to the same spot. My mistake, I’m more of an idiot than I originally thought, he came back and sat down near me…too close. I was so angry the whole time, my eyes burned and I wanted more than anything to punch someone. I kept thinking about how to get out of coming to church anymore, or at least about ending that day early. I could see Asshole from where I was sitting and he was facing me, I wouldn’t look at him because I didn’t want to see any facial expressions he might make, only solidifying his name. Instead, I focused completely on the speakers so that maybe I could pretend to not know he was there. When the meeting ended Mr. Collins got up and said something about being a pleasure sitting with me. I just smiled, mostly happy that he was leaving. The moment he was gone Jelly Bean and Diva wanted to say things to me involving Mr. Collins. I just grabbed my stuff, told them I was leaving. I didn’t care what they wanted to say and I didn’t want to talk about Mr. Collins, ever. I walked through the gym and came out the other door to take a more hidden way to the bathroom. I passed Ducky and she said she had to talk to me and I told her I had to kill her. I wouldn’t have been stuck sitting next to him if she had gone to the meeting rather than me. I went to the bathroom and went to the library to make copies. Ducky meet me there, I told her I didn’t really want to kill her, but I sure did want to die. I also told her and Bull that I would not be staying until the end of church.
In the meantime I started to talk to this guy, who does not have a name yet, and he was talking to me about a misunderstanding among the ladies and the gentlemen at church and a certain thing called Mad Cows. I am not at this time permitted to discuss the information discussed, except for on my end. He had mentioned one thing about how girls do the same thing, and it’s hypocritical for the girls to assume that they didn’t. It made me think of my “Fries and dipping sauce” list and although that was made up in retaliation to the Mad Cows information swarming around church there was no doubt in my mind that it didn’t start with Fries, it just get defined into food products with fries, we’ve always felt this way about the guys. I told him that some guys might not like what we call them (burnt fries) and Asshole had been standing there by this point in the conversation and said, “a-hole”. I laughed and said, “Who told you your nickname!?” too bad he thought I was joking. But at the same time it made me feel a little bad about having such a mean name given to him.
Besides it’s not so bad with him anymore. Before the library he offered an apology about laughing at me before church. Then when we were talking in the library I asked him not to bring up Mr. Collins anymore. He said that bringing it up brought him pleasure but he would stop. So we compromised, he can bring it up, but not every time I see him, that’s when it gets ridiculous, so to this we agreed.
Between Sunday and Monday my mood towards asshole changed from anger to pity. I feel sorry for him…and he’s a little bit depressed I think. So from this time forth he will be called Eeyore when we are getting along and asshole when we are not.

Chapter 63: Pig Nose Segregation

I had a really good night sleep, meaning that I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. My dream wasn’t quite as good. I don’t remember the beginnings of my dream, or why I was “downtown” it a strangely set up city, but I was waiting for my dad to come and take me to the airport I think, I know that I had just graduated. So my dad comes and gets me and we’re late and as we are driving I’m looking around, first thing I notice is that straight ahead you could see the temple and it was like we were going to drive right past it and I realized that this was more likely to happen out west, because here our temple isn’t smack dap in the middle of any population, and it made me miss being out west. Somehow in my dream though I wasn’t out west and was very aware of that fact, it was home mixed with the west. We ended up passing by a wall and just on the other side was the temple, and there were houses within the wall and someone starts to explain the bad construction idea, or planning idea, something that led to these normal houses within the temple walls. We keep driving though and then I start to see people walking around, they have all graduated and they are all getting out of there buses and I see two people in a row with pig noses and I just stared without feeling ashamed that I was just staring.
We get to where I need to be and they are setting up something with those little Debbie Christmas trees (my favorite). They wanted everyone in the choir to have one but they only had five, so I tried to explain to then it wasn’t going to work, but they kept finding them places and adding them. There were conversations that took place but I can’t remember any of them. Then Suddenly instead of some recital we were actually setting up a wedding. My sister was getting ready to get married but instead of the one who actually is it was the one who already is. We were putting little Christmas trees all over too, so a little Christmas wedding. We had it set up really nicely too. We had it set up outside on someone’s deck, I’m not sure whose house we were having it at. When we were almost done the wind started to blow strong and I moved closer to the house and lady whose house it was asked me what was wrong and I told her that the wind was really bugging my eyes. She commented on how dark it was suddenly and how it may storm soon, so I say we’d better get everything inside because I didn’t want my sister’s wedding reception to be ruined. So, I start walking towards the table with the cake to get that in first (we can see my priorities right?) So as I am walking there the lady screams from behind me and tells me that the cloud is breaking into a funnel, and sure enough it does and the lady is still screaming behind me that it is really close, we all have to get inside. Well, everyone starts moving, running around to get inside, to make sure everyone else is accounted for and my sister is standing in her wedding dress on the deck just watching the funnel, so I run over, grab her by her shoulders and force her to come downstairs, she’s all upset because her wedding is ruined. I get her down to the basement and then start asking her where her son is (because even though she’s getting married her oldest son is still in my dream). She tells me he is in the attic watching a movie so I start running up the stairs because I have to go up several flights to get to him (granted he is my favorite nephew so panic is certain setting in). On my way upstairs I hear my dad say that I am the next one to get a phone call, and it makes sense to me in my dream, but I think we were all receiving phone calls on our cell phones, either to ensure that we were okay, or something to do with the group, we represented the group on shifts, but I remembered clearly that my cell phone was on the deck inside my purse. I didn’t tell anyone though, I figured I would tell them after I had gotten my nephew safely downstairs. As I run up the stairs I notice that there are little Christmas trees all the way up so when I finally get upstairs and I know it’s going to be hard to pull him away from his movie, this kid doesn’t do anything he doesn’t like and telling him that a tornado is coming isn’t going to help at all. So I ask him if he would like to help me find all the Christmas trees and he got excited and threw his covers back and was coming with me, but then Spam was there too and she did something I’m not sure and I found myself putting another movie in to get his attention even though I realized it was a bad idea because I wouldn’t be able to get him out of the room. The movie started so I looked out the window and the twister was gone and so were all the clouds, so I figured he would be safe, and I turn around and Spam is standing there watching the movie and I tell her to go downstairs, and she ignores me and keeps watching the movie (like she does in real life) and I grab her face with my hands and I told her that it wasn’t an option or a decision, I told her to go downstairs.. She continues to act like it doesn’t matter, she’s going to do what she wants (yes, this is like real life, she never listens). Then the horrific part, I pick her up via my hands holding her cheeks and then drop her on the floor (too violent, even for me). Then she starts balling, and yells at how she was getting ready to do, and I know she’s full of it because she had no intention to go, and then my alarm went off so I woke up thank goodness. Part of the dream was starting to feel too much like real life.

Chapter 62: Adrenaline Run

In the social world how long is long enough to wait for someone to come pick you up? In college you only had to wait 10 minutes, if your professor wasn’t there by then you were free to go, at least that was the time limit the students had decided on. Mr. Collins is 15 minutes late and I’m tempted to get in my car and go for a drive so that I don’t have to deal with the idea of him coming late, but I’m not sure if that is kosher. What if it’s supposed to be half an hour and he comes at twenty? Or twenty-five. Every moment I write I get more nervous that he will show up. I should just get in the car, he has a cell phone, we have the same company so he gets free minutes when calling me, he should call and say he’s going to be late. I think today is a good day for a drive.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I’m a coward. I ran away from home. How ridiculous to be 24 almost 25 years old and to run away from home? This is better than Prom, because with prom I wasn’t allowed to run away. I gave him until 6:22 is that not enough time when he said he’d come at 6?
Did I feel guilty? No sign of him, no phone calls, why should I feel like a jerk?
I drove around in the neighborhood and then decided that was too risky, so I went to another neighborhood and then felt creepy staying in my car on a residential road. I didn’t want to change the cops getting called on me. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate, my fight or flight instinct took me sprinting in the opposite direction and I strangely felt as though I had missed a near death experience. Is that pathetic or what? I started to drive, thinking of places I could go, the park, a college campus, and without thinking I drove straight to my happy place. I had no intention to go there but my feet and hands helped my car to take me there. It’s sick and pathetic that I need this place to calm my nerves. I think it mostly has to do with Baby Face and Poof Daddy. If I could just talk to one of them I think that the butterflies on speed would have slowly died off.
As I walked into the doors and my cell phone started to ring. It was Mr. Collins. I hit the silent button and let it go to voicemail, in the meantime I got a text message from Jellybean saying, “So you have a date tonight?” All the confirmation that I needed that he was at the house. Then I got the voicemail, so I listened to that. He apparently thought he told me 6:30…regardless it was 6:45 and I would have bolted before then if it had originally been 6:30. But then I felt guilty and I tried to think of what excuses I could come up to help ease the rotting pain of guilt in my stomach. Dam it, why do I have to be such a nice person, why do I have to feel guilty…why couldn’t I just say ‘no thanks’ in the first place? So I called Ducky and made plans to go with her to the same party so that I could at least say that I thought he had said 6 and when he didn’t show up by 6:30 I drove to her house to catch a ride. I hung up with her and then Baby Face was walking by, he motioned for me to follow him to the break room, which I did. We got up there and for some reason the whole thing came out. I felt like such an idiotic, who runs away from home to avoid a date? This girl. I forget what happened but Baby Face said, “Oh that reminds me” and he started to make a phone call. I asked him if that was what he was doing, he said ‘yes’ so I told him I would see him later, I didn’t want to sit there while he made a phone call. That would be weird. So then I went over to Ducky’s and we rode to the party. I was glad I was with her instead of Mr. Collins, it was a long drive. When we got there we were welcomed by Mr. Collins, how thrilling. There were about 7 people there and I was upset because you can’t hide from someone with such small numbers.
I tried at first to hide in the background, or to get so engrossed in another conversation that I couldn’t talk to him. But he came up and started to talk to me about my blasted vampire book and then started to tell me about some fantasy book that he really enjoyed. He should be best friends with the Horse Whisperer (I don’t know if I have mentioned him, but I named him a while ago, he is the guy who is similar to Mr. Collins…maybe a little bit weirder and is in love with Ducky…oh and his goal in life is to be an animal whisperer). Then he pulls out his magic tricks, and he even teaches me one. After the party I performed one for Ducky and she said I wasn’t allowed to hang out with him again…no problem. So I sat there watching his magic tricks because it was better than trying to have a conversation with him. Motor Mouth’s sister was there and I was really grateful because it helped to divide his attention. At one point he pulled a seashell out of my ear (not literally you gullible bunch of fools) I just shook my head and told him not to do that anymore…you just can’t trust someone who pulls things out of other people’s ears. Finally Ducky stated that her eyes were getting itchy so she was going to have to leave soon (she’s allergic to cats and before we even got there we had decided that we would use this excuse). So a couple more minutes and she finally told me that we had to leave. I said my goodbyes to everyone and told them I would see them later. Man, I don’t think anyone will know how grateful I am that I was able to develop friendships into the obsessive, ‘we don’t like her to hang out with new people away from us’ stage, so that no one could complain because then I would get angry. I don’t know if that is going to make sense to anyone beside myself, but I’m still grateful.

That’s when we went out to eat and I got to show her my magic trick. I also got to complain about Asshole, even though we had called him to see what restaurants were in the area because we were in his part of town, we didn’t invite him to join us though, I wouldn’t have been able to tolerate him then. I’m just a sad and pathetic individual, who should be careful what she wishes.

Chapter 61: SPMS

I don’t know if I’ve wrapped my mind so much up in a fictional story of a life more exciting and at the same time more devastating than my own, that when I return to reality I’m disappointed, or if it’s the fact that maybe I was upset before I started reading, and all week I have been avoiding reality by reading this fictional story. I’m almost done with the second book in a series of three, and I just started the first one on Tuesday and here, Saturday, I’m pretty certain I’ll be ready to start the third before I go to bed tonight.
Today started out rough, I didn’t go to bed until about 4:30 last night, only to wake up early this morning, 7:30ish or 8:00ish. I had made tentative plans with Diva and New Roommate (who will probably get a nickname later) to go and look at a house for rent at 9:00 AM. Last night when I left Ducky’s I told her that they would probably flake out on me. I didn’t mean it to be offensive; I simply knew how things would turn out. Ducky said that we would do something afterwards, just something stupid I had wanted to do, and I didn’t let her know, but I was thinking to myself that she would flake out as well. People have become so easily predictable lately. Needless to say, none of those plans materialized and I went to hang out at my parent’s house; for some reason I regretted it the moment I got there. No one was there, I could have turned around and gone back home and no one would have been the wiser, but I figured that the bad feeling would go away soon enough. I sat in the driveway reading and not much later my mom pulled into the driveway.
Almost instantly she was on my nerves. I don’t recall what was said, probably nothing out of the ordinary, but I was irritated by all the questions. I just wanted to read my flipping book, was that so much to ask? She never talked to me before, why was today so different? Then she asked if I wanted lunch, telling me the variety of options that I had. I told her I wasn’t hungry, even though my head hurt with it. Finally I realized that she was trying to get me to eat lunch with her, so I asked her if she was hungry and she said she was getting there. So I put my bookmark in and got up and we made sandwiches and ate together. As usual I was the one talking and she finished her sandwich before I was half way through with mine. When my dad came down to eat she asked him what he wanted for dinner and then she asked me if I was going to be joining them, I told them I already had plans for that evening and had to be home by 6. My mom asked me what my plans were and I couldn’t come up with a lie fast enough, and she guessed the plans were with a boy. Then more questions started and she wanted to know all about him, I told her that he was new, and that’s probably the only reason he bothered asking me to go with him to this party (it’s not a date, it’s just a carpool) and she continued asking questions and I continued to answer with “I don’t know”. It was annoying. So then my mom says, “Well you’ll need to find these things out” I told her there was no need, this wasn’t going anywhere. She chuckled and said, “famous last words.” Sometimes I think my mom wouldn’t care if I married a bull frog or person, as long as she had a son-in-law, which is one of the only reasons I still stand opposed to arranged marriages. I had already told her earlier that day when she was congratulating me on my job and telling my dad that they had a successful college graduate in their family room that I was successful and I didn’t need a man, it was supposed to sound like a joke or like the movie I probably originally heard it from, but my mom only got worried, “Oh yes you do,” she protested. It maybe true for the lonely nights but not for the heartache and aggravation that boys tend to be in full stock of. I rolled my eyes as usual, yeah, but I didn’t need one to survive.
I think my mom lives vicariously through me. She wants me to become a Human Resources Professional, so that I can have three little letters at the end of my name…my title. She gets so excited about these things, she wanted me to be a lawyer so she could brag about that, then she wanted me to get my MBS and now it’s so HRP….maybe those would be the initials I would get. I smiled to humor her but I really could care less. In fact today, I don’t care about anything at all.
Later I finally said that I was going to get going; every time that I mention that I am going to leave, that’s when my mom decides to become a conversationalist. This time she decided to show me the difference between business and business casual via the JCPenny catalog. She kept saying, “This is what business casual looks like,” to which I would reply for the 14th time today, “yeah, I don’t have a problem identifying business casual, it’s what we dress up like for corporate stuff at work.” I felt like my mind was trying to break out of my skull and a fluid stream of profanities coursed behind my eyes making them hurt so I leaned back and closed my eyes and concentrated on not yelling at my mom, especially with curse words. I finally took an opening, leaned in and gave her a hug and told her I would see her later.
I refuse to believe that all of my hostility has to do with me PMS-ing…but it’s the only thing to explain away the uncontrollable anger that I feel right now. I am angry at everyone, I discriminate against no one, everyone is currently on my bad list and everyone is foreshadowed with failure. All it will take is for someone to do exactly as I thought they would, and then I will have all the reason I need to hate them right now, to want to throw something at them.
Speaking of which, as I wrote one particular gentleman tried to start a conversation with me via the internet. The conversations are always futile and short lived and the bane of my existence. I have dreaded them the past couple of weeks, and I feel that it may be due to the feeling that he always starts something he can’t follow through, such as beginning a conversation and being unable to sustain it. Today was not the day to try and do that. As I wrote here, and wrote him back I would take breaks and throw a shoe at wall, a couple of times; I just threw it as hard as I could. I’m really pissed off, I can’t explain it and every time that Asshole (that’s right, I tried to come up with a good literary name, or something that reflects his personality and sadly, all I could scrounge up was Asshole…therefore from this time forth he shall be known) talks to me he pisses me off even more. Why does he make me so angry? I don’t know, but all I know is I can’t stand how he pumps you for information and who knows why he does that, but he’s just an information whore and I’m sick and tired of feeding his lame ass! I’m sick and tired of him!! I don’t care if I hurt his feelings by not responding back. He is making me uncontrollably angry and I’m having a hard time not screaming each time I throw the shoe at the wall or the ground. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?! My only sick satisfaction is that I was able to elude answering one question, and even though it’s not a big deal if he has the answer there is victory in the fact that he does not.
Is it all my hormones hanging around the rage pole rather than the emotionally drained and crying in the corner pole? Why can’t I just be balanced? The worst part is in less than an hour Mr. Collins will be arriving to take me to the ball at Netherfield Park (a 40-or so minutes drive) and I feel I will be Elizabeth Bennett at least one more time as I duck my head in shame for even having to be in the same room. I keep contemplating, thinking maybe if I call and say I’m sick my rage could pass for sickness. It just feels too much like high school prom, when I hoped that my date had stood me up, waiting here tonight, in my room typing, hoping that I don’t have to stop because Mr. Collins decided to go through with this, or didn’t even get lost on the way. Oh I hope he changes his mind or gets lost. Either way, Ducky is supposed to go to this party and she will be my way out, I won’t be feeling good and Ducky is leaving anyway, she lives closer to me, so she’ll take me home…I just hope it’s that easy, and I hope she doesn’t flake out again tonight, I might not be able to handle that one. I just hate life right now, and going to a party with Collins is not what is going to help me feel better.

Chapter 60: No Regrets

So today was also interesting. I tell you, you quit your job and all sorts of things start happening. The best thing, the topper for the day, my manager was in the hallway talking to me and she was standing next to a part of the wall that jutted out slightly. As she turned to leave she smacked right into the wall! Her water bottle fell to the floor and for a split second I wasn’t sure how to react. But as she peeled herself off of the wall she was laughing so I started to laugh too. I had tears in my eyes, it was the funniest thing ever and the look on her face when she turned around was priceless.
I worked with Twitch tonight. I told him about “Geek Fields” which I made up while talking to TDH as he went passionately on about the Bear and Bull Market and how great numbers are. His geek field is numbers, mine is administrative work, and after talking to Twitch tonight his would be anything to do with working out and counting protein. A geek field is commonly defined as a field of interest that makes you a little abnormal, sometimes weird to those around you, but it is also what adds character to you, even if those around you don’t appreciate it. Fortunately for these boys, I appreciate their geek fields, and TDH is just too darn cute when he talks about numbers, how could I not appreciate it?
I told Twitch as I told TDH the night before that I would never see them again because they were only interested in hanging out with me when they thought that I was engaged. Twitch laughed and explained that it was mostly because when they hang out they drink…so I see I’ll have to take matters into my own hands and force them to hang out with me.
On our break I received a phone call from the dreaded Mr. Collins. I really do feel like a Bennett girl, having extreme anxiety and trepidation when it comes to having to interact with Mr. Collins. The thing that bothers me the most is that I still can’t seem to shut-up around him and I’m worried he is taking it as interest. I need to get a muzzle for myself. I started to tell him about this book I was reading (I don’t remember what got me into that pickle) and it happens to be a book that involves a vampire and the main character falls in love with said vampire. But it’s not a typical vampire book and before I explained the book I adamantly stated that I was not normally into those kinds of books. Thus stating that I am not into vampires, heaven forbid I become even more interesting because I may be of Trekie material, which by the way I am not. Then he throws it out, I don’t know how it happened, I’m always getting hoodwinked by people. But he started to tell me about a party Saturday night and suddenly he asked if I wanted to ride with him to it and I hadn’t known about the party, I hadn’t been warned by Ducky or even Bull so I couldn’t say that I was already riding with someone else and then the idiotic ‘yes’ spit through my lips before I could stop it. Thus was the end of my happy days in the state of Virginia. When I hung up I complained to Twitch about it, why do I attract all the weird guys. Twitch and I were a back room talking and we ended up coming back to the trainees a little late, there were two trainees there that were desperate for dramatics and I think they thought Twitch and I were up to something since we were both late from break and we came in together. Twitch didn’t notice, which isn’t unusual, guys don’t notice when teenage girls act like that, or maybe he did notice and didn’t say anything for my sake. Heaven forbid we may have been doing something important and job related. I wonder if they had noticed the wedding ring on his finger and if so they insult my character, therefore I personally would have failed them, but that wasn’t any of my business. During the lab portion they kept looking at me when he would saw something to see my reaction. It was offensive.
Anyway, I made it through the day. It was actually a pretty good day and several people kept saying that I was going to miss this job. Which I am, a lot, a lot more than I want to.
Anyway, earlier that day I had e-mailed TDH to inform him that I had gotten a bunch of stuff from behind the register in the lab. He e-mailed me later and said, “Good job, but you’re still a loser and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” an insult which I sadly appreciated. It just shows he cares. Of all the things I think TDH is making it the hardest to leave, I didn’t expect quitting this job would hurt so much, but I suppose I was an idiot to think that I wasn’t attached to anyone here. I’m going to miss it, all of it.

Chapter 59: Unrequited Love

I got to work with TDH last night. I hadn’t done it in so long I almost forgot how much I enjoy it. As expected Twitch told him about me turning in my two weeks notice, so when I walked into the classroom TDH stuck out his finger and said, “You little punk.” I smiled a little because I can’t help but smile when I am looking at him and nodded a little, “Oh I see he told you,” then I looked around the room of seven trainees, our manager, and the new guy (who by the way I met the day before and then he came up and introduced himself to me again and I had to tell him we met, but I was in civilian clothes at the time), and told TDH that we would talk later.
His class was one of the worst ones I’ve been in the lab with (With the exception of Parsley, I don’t know if I ever mentioned her I’ll have to backtrack and find out). It wasn’t TDH it was his trainees. They were annoying the bee gee bees out of me, and they were doing the same to TDH. All I could hope and pray was that the evening class would be better. I kept giving TDH sympathetic looks when I wasn’t laughing too much to even look at him. I suppose I could have helped him a little more in taking control of the group in the lab, but hey, I’m quitting.
We weren’t able to talk during the break because our manager had him working with the new guy the whole time. I was a bit peeved, but I knew I got to work the rest of the night with only TDH and we always have next Tuesday before I officially leave. I started my class, not off to a rough start but it didn’t take long until I located some problem trainees. It all started when they saw that we don’t accept Cashier’s checks and Money Orders. Luckily I had a banker in the room and she explained away why before I even had a chance to, I was really very grateful for that.
During break TDH was talking to me about his résumé and said, “Where’s yours I want to see.” I just gave him a funny look and told him I didn’t have it with me. He asked why not and I told him because first I wasn’t applying for anything within the company so why would I have it with my work stuff, and secondly I didn’t have it in my “little man thing” I said as I pointed to his little briefcase/folder thingy.
Time finally came to go to the lab, and it was organized at first and then all mayhem broke lose. It was like we had two separate classes going on, I was teaching in the front and TDH is the back. At one point he came up to me and quietly said that this class was out of control, he had a smile on his face, and I simply said that I knew. I wasn’t going to try to bring it back to order. He didn’t really seem to mind and it wasn’t an accusation, just an observation. So we continued the way that we did, but I don’t think he or I will make that same mistake again…granted I only teach one more time (today). There was one lady in the class who rubbed us both the wrong way, and she wasn’t doing anything on register. Some people had to pair up, and she did, but then made her partner do everything. So I walked up and asked them if they are switching it up so both got experience and she said something like, “well, I’m not sure if I am going to stick with this.” My initial reaction was relief, “Oh good, then just make this easier on us and quit,” I thought to myself. I also thought, “Regardless, if you want it to still be your choice you need to get your ass on the register and show us that you can actually operate it, or then the decision making isn’t going to involve you anymore, you’ll just fail”. Luckily TDH stepped in and had a chat with her and pretty much tried to talk her into leaving too, but she’s a money sucker I think and was trying to drag training out to the bitter end. Secretly I sat at the front of the room hoping she would fail the test, and wondering if I should fail her for bad attitude irregardless, because she did not give me the respect that I as her trainer deserved and because of that I wanted to show her what kind of power I possessed.
At the end of class TDH was making everyone pack up the fake groceries into the Tupperware containers and he told them that sometimes you can’t fit the salads into the containers and I told everyone that I could do it. Just to be a bit prideful and TDH nodded and said, “Yes, that’s your one strong point.” I frowned and asked if I really only had one strong point.
After class was done and everyone was gone TDH and I talked about this woman and how she rubbed us the wrong way. He finally got to tell me what he was talking to her about (trying to get her to leave) but she said something like, “Well if you guys would just tell me right now” who knows what the hell that means. She’s a quitter; she proved that with her attitude, if she passes on to the store she’s likely to be gone by Christmas. She’s not a long term commitment individual, she’ll make one mistake and someone will point it out and she’ll complain about how hard it is (because this is her third job) to keep it separate from the other job and finally quit, wasting all the company’s training money. She just bugged me. Anyway, so TDH came in with a huge stack of papers and dropped them on a table and said, “Are you ready to begin your administrative work?” He also had two staplers in hand; I consider it our first date, just kidding! I laughed and told him I had some other things to do first (like finish up with the first task of putting everything away from class and doing the paper work for that). Then I asked if we were going to be getting out before 11 tonight. He just laughed, but I was half serious, somehow when we work together it takes forever for us to actually get out of there. I don’t mind, but if it were anyone else I’d be a little bit bugged. So we start walking to the back office and I take a shortcut through one of the rooms that connects the hallways and TDH says something about going through the gas chamber. I was intrigued so I asked him about it. He said that sometimes he liked to bring his trainees through that room and then close the door and say something about welcome to the gas chamber! I laughed a little but then I asked if he’d ever been to the holocaust museum and he said ‘no’ to which I started to tell him how I went there last week and it is super creepy, but my intention was to say that maybe he should so that he’d have a little more compassion for if any of his trainees were Jewish…but I forgot to mention that part and remembered about two hours later while I was talking to Ducky about something completely unrelated. Either way I’m sure bringing up the Holocaust Museum may have sparked something about decorum.
He asked me how many jobs I applied for and I told him only one. He seemed surprised and I said, “I hadn’t really been looking” and he asked where I heard about it and I told him the newspaper and he said, “How did you find a job in the newspaper if you weren’t looking?” and I said, “My mom, she’s never been all too happy with my career choice, so every once in a while she tells me about jobs she sees.”
We finished up our paper work and he was telling me how he applied for another position within the company and how he had gone to our manager to help because out of all the people he lived with he was the one who knew the most about résumés and cover letters and I told him that it wasn’t good to be the smartest person in the house, he had no where to go but down. He laughed, but then went on to tell me that our manager didn’t have a problem with his résumé but fixed up his cover letter. He showed me both and I had to agree that our manager helped that little piece of paper out a lot. I sat there and said, “its good she humbled you, you need to be humbled sometimes.”
He also told me how he had written her a ‘thank you’ note for helping him and he was going to put it on her desk but he said he was afraid to leave it there because she might panic and think it was his two weeks. Before he left to go put it there I told him he should put a post-it note on it saying, “This is not my two weeks notice” he laughed and started to walk away and then he came back laughing and said that he thought he was going to do that. I hope he did, if everyone in the office can just make jokes about me quitting I’d be much happier.
Then it was time to get working on stapling the tests that TDH had made copies of. I started out with one stapler but it didn’t work too well, it would either get stuck and I’d have to fight with it a little or it would put double staples in. TDH said that his was working fine so I grabbed his and gave him mine and started to staple again. That’s when I decided that both staplers sucked and it wouldn’t hurt the company to invest in some good ones. My new stapler jammed and I was opening it to fix it and TDH was opening his to give me staples because he though I ran out. I told him it was just jammed, but sarcastically added that his action was so sweet. At one point he mentioned that the room was really bright that morning, I look around the windowless room and then up at the florescent lights kind of confused and then I said, “Why, because you had a hangover?” He just laughed a little which gave me my answer.
When we were done with that he mentioned that he had to write his store visits e-mail. I asked him if he wanted me to type it for him, which I was sure that he did and that’s why he mentioned it. I told him it would help him to go faster. So we sat down and I signed on to the computer and then started to log him into his e-mail and scooted the keyboard over for him to enter his password, which, I didn’t seem uncomfortable in watching what it was. Then I made a remark about how his password was just slightly different than mine (because he showed me a good way to do the passwords because we always have to change them and run out of ideas) and I said, “I wonder where I go that from? Then we started on the e-mail and he had trouble finding his words at first and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this would go faster this way, apparently it’s more than just your typing.” On more than one occasion I mentioned that I should be nicer. I can’t help it; he just brings it out of me. I kept typing exactly what he was saying so when he looked up he just laughed, the e-mail was full of ‘ums’. I quickly erased it and we got started. At one point when he was breaking down his hours by the day he said, “.50 hours on administrative work, mainly e-mail.” To which I mumbled, “That’s believable” and he went into a whole diatribe about how he spells better when he types because his fingers find a rhythm. Then I laughed, “I wasn’t talking about your spelling.” It didn’t take him very long to realize I was calling him a slow typer. Then he defends himself with, “I can type about 45 words per minute,” and I couldn’t help but laugh (I can type between 70-80 words per minute). He got more defensive and said, “On a good day I can type around 50” So he must have felt challenged and told me to give him a sentence to write so I said, “The ubiquitous,” and he cut me off with a, “no! What!? Give me something I can spell!” To which I just shrugged my shoulders, after that I couldn’t think of anything, so I just talked and he typed….very slowly. He finally gave up and said he could type better if he knew what to type. He’s so cute.
We finally finish up and go back to get our stuff and its five after ten. I laughed and said, “Oh ten o’clock that’s not too bad,” but I was being sarcastic. Not that it matters, as I said before I don’t mind working late with him. We start walking out to our cars and we’re just making small talk, then we had to separate because we were parked on opposite ends of the parking lot and when he was far enough away where I couldn’t easily kick him or catch up to kick him he yelled, “You suck!” which wasn’t what I was expecting, maybe a, “have a good night” or a “see you next week”. So I just said thank you and told him that he sucked too. Have I ever mentioned that I’m in love with him?
So my recap for the day, even though the trainees were annoying, I had a really good day at work yesterday.

Chapter 58: Ramblings on Dating

Maybe I’m not Elizabeth Bennett, because when I think about it I have to wonder where my Mr. Darcy is. Maybe I’m Charlotte Lucas. I’m waiting for some attractive, endearingly shy, wealthy man to enter into my life and find himself uncontrollably attracted to me despite his better judgment, when really I should be thinking about what is reasonable, what catch could I actually get living in Richmond, VA. Charlotte knew her limitations; she knew that it wasn’t likely that she would marry for love. So the question is, do I die a spinster or do I make an attempt to find some ounce of happiness with someone who isn’t one I expect to find story book love with.
Jane Austin has disillusioned me, that sly dog. I didn’t fall for Disney’s fairytale endings, but Jane manipulated me, she made me think that there was a chance of happily ever after despite all the worldly handicaps that life endowed you with. That’s not how it goes though because people are merely humans, in a fallen state, and therefore their perceptions of each other are in a fallen state. There is a scarcity of people who can see the inner beauty and an even smaller amount of people who even bother trying. Men wait for airbrushed models to come walking into their lives one day, failing to understand that the model probably has no interest in them even if she did enter their lives through some delirious twist of fate, what makes them special enough to get her attention?
I’m not saying that guys are the only ones who fall subject to this delusion; women are just as much affected. We women fall in love with the idea of a man and his character, not always just his physical attributes, and adding in character makes it a little harder to compete with. Just watch any chick flick and find out for yourself, how does the man act? Do real men act with the same decorum as leading male characters from any given chick flick? My very own Mr. Darcy is simply proof that women fall for this too. There is no Mr. Darcy, and I’m pretty sure the reason is simply because “courting” is a lost art. Since it is lost I can not say with certainty what it involves, having no opportunity to see it myself. But I’ll go on some assumptions here, I assume that courting involves showing interest in only one girl at a time, how are you supposed to prove your interest if you are jumping around from girl to girl, she will think of herself as nothing more than a friend to you. The whole theory of not putting all your eggs in one basket was never intended for courting, and yet, that’s what men seem to do these days.
The girls who usually get the guy are the ones with enough courage and confidence to go after the guy, and sadly in the dating game it is the men who are supposed to be the hunters, not the hunted, but they seem okay with prancing in front of the hunters and seeing which one takes the first shot.
Again, I know nothing of what courtship really is because no one has been able to provide me with at least one experience of it. But it’s just a thought.

Chapter 57: Pathways

So I got a new job. Did I even mention here that I had applied for one? Well, I did and I wanted it, and I got the offer for it yesterday. So today I needed to turn in my two weeks notice. It was bittersweet, my excitement was tinged with remorse. I felt bad, certainly, I knew what my leaving in two weeks would do to my team members, they’d have to make up the difference of being a trainer short. I was scared to death how my manager would take it too, I was scared she’d get angry. So of course I prayed before I entered the office that she wouldn’t be angry and I came to find out that I fear more when someone is sad or disappointed, I think I’d rather deal with anger. I felt so bad, but at the same time I felt a huge release, as much as I actually did like the job it wore me down quickly and made me unhappier than I had realized. I just hope that this new job isn’t something that seems like a job I can and want to do and then turns out to be some horrible death trap, like in The Nanny Diaries. She thought her future employer was great in the interview process and thought that the job would be great and as it turned out her employer was a bitch and the kid was a brat. I hope that doesn’t happen at this job, I really did like the people I met and I find it difficult to fathom that the positive attitudes they had conveyed could all be false.
Anyway, back to the quitting the old job part, when I went in to see my manager I ran into one of the other trainers (who I don’t think has a nickname so let’s call him Twitch). Twitch, as usual asked what I was doing there upon seeing me, I said I was there to talk to our manager and he walked with me to the back office. Then he asked again why I was there. I showed him the envelope with my manager’s name on it and he put it together rather quickly and said, “You’re quitting.” Then he told me how he was taking some tests in November for some police department and how TDH had applied for marketing position within the company. We gave each other high five because to be honest we all know the current job is not a good long time position. Twitch did mention how he was surprised that I was the first one and I mentioned my gratitude for being the first one, I wouldn’t want to be at the tail end of all the trainers quitting. I did apologize though, and he said not to because we have a new part time trainer and I thought about the other two part time trainers who with their mixed availability could certainly make up my hours. I feel certain that TDH will know of my quitting by the time we see each other tomorrow. It’s been fun working with such an attractive and funny young man, and I will miss working with him, but I feel pretty certain that I won’t really remember him that well in a couple of months time, he’ll just be some cute guy I used to work with…and I think I’m okay with that.
All in all it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be and I took a big sigh of relief after it was all said and done. I even took the day off, though I should have worked, but seriously after quitting what’s the point in driving from store to store to visit…except to say ‘goodbye’, and to be honest there aren’t that many store managers I’m close enough with to even bother doing so. Two maybe three of my stores, and I can grab those later this week sometime.
I came home and I started to read this incredible book and I started it today and I’ve already read almost 300 pages, it’s that good. In fact Ducky and I were hanging out tonight and around 8pm we both started reading (because you see we bought the book together last night so we both have a copy and in a way it’s our little book club) and Ducky set an alarm for midnight so we would know that we couldn’t read anymore. It was crazy, we didn’t intend to read for four hours but the time just flew by with this book. I’m worried that if I don’t finish it I won’t be able to concentrate on much else.
Ducky and I also went to visit a friend, well, at least someone we would like to consider a friend. She is so funny and the only person who has put pressure on me to come up with a nickname for her, and not all too surprising, being forced to come up with a nickname for someone makes it all the more difficult. It’s one thing to be typing about someone and then say, “Oh, yeah, let’s call him/her this name, it just seems to fit them,” which is what I’ve pretty much done. So one day I’ll have a nickname for her. I was hoping that by typing about our visit with her that I would be able to come up with one, but sadly it’s not flowing through my thoughts right now.

Chapter 56: The Dating Game

So, I don’t think I have informed you of our up and coming activity at church. It’s an Elder’s Quorum sponsored ward activity and it’s a dating activity. They say to encourage the brethren to date, but certain friends of mine and I have our own theories. Anyway, so at first it started out just as and Elder’s Quorum activity, where the guys were supposed to get a date, didn’t matter from where, from the ward, from the branch, from work, school, wherever. Then the Elder’s Quorum president didn’t want any of the girls to feel left out so he came up with the brilliant idea of inviting the sisters who don’t get asked to join them by bringing their own date. The announcement didn’t go over too well. Last week Satan (as we like to call the Elder’s Quorum President) wanted to see if the Relief Society would be in charge of refreshments to which the bishop said ‘hell no’, well, he just said no, but I’m sure he was thinking the hell part. Then he asked if we would be willing to plan the activity!! Keep in mind that at this point, none of the sisters had been asked. Why the hell would we want to plan an activity that we weren’t going to? And regardless, the entire situation would be like a guy coming up to you and asking you out on a date and then saying, “Hey, we’re going to go to this place, but could you plan the activity for us? I’m just too busy, oh and could you bring dinner because my budgets tight.” That’s when the girl would say, “You know what? I think I’m busy that night.”
So they send in Luke Duke (not his real name, but it’s what my sister and I call him because that’s who he was for Halloween). He makes another announcement last week and nervously informs the girls that if they do decide to come they might want to eat dinner first because refreshments will be scarce due to the EQ budget, and the Ducky mentions that if anyone could help plan a scavenger hunt for the activity to get in touch with her after (because she said she wouldn’t agree to do the activity because she wasn’t going, but she would see if any of the sisters would volunteer…guess what? None did, big surprise there). Luckily Luke Duke got out alive but none of the sisters were all too happy with the activity.
Yesterday a member of the bishopric came in to announce that he didn’t want the girls to have to ask out a date, so he asked if he could have a show of hands if girls would commit to say ‘yes’ should someone ask and they had no prior commitments. Then he said he would go tell the brethren that if they ask we’ll say yes. (turns out that he went in there and pretty much said, “If you ask, they’ll say ‘yes’” but didn’t go into more detail about how it doesn’t mean we’re in love with them (like he did for us) and I think he should have). After church boys are usually hanging out in the hallway by the Relief Society room, waiting like children for the women to get out. Yesterday there were about three guys that I saw. There’s a glass door in the relief society room and we were doing small group discussions in class and I could see out the door, when 4 o’clock hit I saw a bunch of cars leaving, no doubt the spineless, cocky brethren of the ward who think we are all in love with them. If only they knew about our fry list and the part that says, “burnt fries” and how 80% of them fall into that category, and after yesterday I’m tempted to add more of them to my list because they are sissy, arrogant, courage-less, individuals who can’t just take a girl on a date for the sake of going on a date. Not everything is an interview for eternity. I know that I may sound bitter at not being asked, but don’t you worry about that, not only am I working that bight so couldn’t go anyway, but I was asked to go. In my false security of thinking I could freely roam the halls because the testosterone levels didn’t seem to be anywhere within pheromone recognition I was caught off guard by Mr. Collins, that’s right, Mr. Collins who cut me off in my pursuit of catching up with Diva and began to ask me if I was going to the activity. I had to decline due to work, but at least someone asked me. And you know what, just for actually taking courage when so many of the guys at church did not, he just go points in my book for that. Of course, I knew he would be okay when I told him I was unable to go due to work, we are talking about Mr. Collins, he somehow always lands on his feet in Pride and Prejudice, why should the real life Mr. Collins not be able to do the same?

Chapter 55:Disappearing Act

There’s a new guy, this story is actually really sad. So last Saturday I was hanging out with a friend and I said, “I want a boyfriend”. Lily Tomlin once said, “I always wanted to be someone, I guess I should have just been more specific” or something like unto that. I think the same goes with anything that you want. You need to be very specific because God and his universe have quite the sense of humor. Less than 24 hours later God puts into my path an individual who desperately wants a girlfriend and I’m not too sure that he exactly cares who it is. He jumped around church saying ‘hello’ to every girl with a pulse and on several occasions bumped into me, but not with the intent of bumping into me. The first I had to duck between him and this girl so that I could pass through them, to which he said, “hello” and I avoiding eye contact, nervously said, “hello” back. The nervousness was simply because I don’t really like to duck through people trying to get to the bathroom. The second time was after Sunday School. I was talking to my friend and I hear from behind me a loud, “hello”, so of course I turn around, it’s like when someone issues a cat call, and you just have to find out if it was for you. So I turn slightly and he says, “Oh that wasn’t at you, but ‘hello’.” I jokingly said, “rude” and continued my conversation with my friend. At the end of church I was talking to Ducky about “The Office” one of my most favorite shows. We were talking about getting together the next day to watch part of the latest season. So this guy…let’s call him…Mr. Collins, mostly because I am obsessed with Jane Austin characters, comes up and stands there and so we stop and he says that he hasn’t met us yet, and looks at me and said, “officially”. So Ducky says who she is and then introduces me and throws in, “she’s pretty much the coolest person here” to which he says, “Yes, I’ve noticed,” and then Ducky walks off to get something. I came to find out later that this is her pass off defense for avoiding guys. So, I sat there talking to him because I didn’t have a choice, Ducky finally came back over and wrote down his name and got his number because he had asked about the Office and she told him the next time we have an Office party she would let him know. So then he got hers, and he asked what she preferred to be called and of course, turned to me and asked me for mine. I gave him my number and then instantly said what I wanted to be called. Have I ever mentioned “word vomit”? In Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan’s character mentions word vomit but it was more of a, talking badly about people word vomit. This new version I will use for this chapter is, “I can’t stop talking and it’s coming across as interest and flirting when I don’t mean it to” word vomit. When I’m uncomfortable I can’t shut-up and it only makes things worse. This happened to me in Provo, UT about 5 years ago, I couldn’t stop talking and even though my comments were littered with lies he still found me attractive and was suddenly trying to be my boyfriend after an hour. Yet…when I like someone I can’t seem to whip out this charm.
Anyway, so he says that everywhere he goes he runs into someone with my same name and they always become best friends. So I jokingly say, “so we’re best friends now huh?” (I’m an idiot). So he says, “where are you sitting I’ll sit with you.” But luckily I was getting ready to leave so I told him so and got to say ‘goodbye’.
Then the next night I go to FHE. I’m there early because my friend was in town from Washington (state) and I had given her directions and wanted to be there early in case she came early or more so in case she didn’t function on Mormon Standard time. Unfortunately Mr. Collins was also early. So we stood outside talking for a while and he asked if Ducky and I were doing our Office watching after FHE. I told him that we weren’t going to do it (we had actually done it before FHE) and then he said that we could go somewhere and watch it and I told him that Ducky was the one who owned the season and then he says, well we can go borrow it from her and then go watch it. I said that I wasn’t going to ask her for her DVD, but I said it more in a joking manner so as not to offend. He’s a little creepy in the serial killer kind of way. Overly friendly, the ‘oh my arm is broken can you help me load something into my car?’ kind of way. You don’t want to be alone with him. How much do we really know about this guy anyway? Anyone could come to church one Sunday and act like a new comer and would we not just take them in? In three hours he could get a countless amount of girl’s telephone numbers, only the better to stalk them with. I stood alone, with this serial killer, spewing vomit incoherently. Finally my friend showed up and I attempted to ignore Mr. Collins, though I could hear him say my name several times. I tried to avoid him during FHE, I was “engrossed” in conversations with anyone and everyone else. We played whiffle ball, which by the way I think I may have found my calling, and Mr. Collins and I were on the same team. He was the first baseman and I was in outfield and this was when his magic tricks came out. I had seen him doing some card tricks with Motor Mouth earlier, but I hadn’t seen the light trick at this time though. He pulled a little light out and “pushed” it through his head, one ear and out the other and then he put it up his nose. I simply said, “gross”. I don’t condone people sticking things up their noses and I told him to never do that again.
At the end of FHE I tried to get away quickly, I was walking in front of him and pretended to hear nothing he said, it wasn’t as if he was making direct conversation with me anyway, so I knew I could get away with it. I stood in the parking lot with my friend talking and we were trying to decide if we should get something to eat for a late dinner or if we should just get a dessert. In the meantime Mr. Collins came out of the building and said goodbye and asked if I was going to frisbee Tuesday night. I told him that I was working and that I work a lot of nights. I felt the need to throw that out there. He said that was too bad and that he would call me later that week so we could do something. I said “alright” knowing full well that I had plans every night for the rest of the week (sure most of them were because of work but still, I was covered). He never called anyway, so it didn’t matter.

Chapter 54: The Saving Powers of Movies

I wish that I felt the way that I felt when I was younger, mostly just revolving around my love life. Not that it was great when I was younger, but I felt more strongly about people. Do you know what I mean? We’re talking, writing poems because he broke my heart because he looked at another girl…I know, it’s much more dramatic, but at the same time it was more exciting. I don’t feel that way about anyone and I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now and that’s just not the way we mature people feel about others, or if it’s because there’s just no one that makes my heart beat faster. I want someone to make my heart beat faster; I want someone to make me feel socially retarded because I can barely speak if they are making eye contact with me. I want someone worth writing a poem about.
Speaking of people who don’t give me heart palpitations, G.I. Joe’s brother came home from overseas in Iraq with the military. G.I. Joe’s brother being my favorite and only brother-in-law they came over to the house and for some reason brought the whole clan. Well, at first it was just one of his brothers which I used to have a crush on, but he got married and I got over it. Then there was a knock at the door and there was G.I. Joe stating that the parent’s house was boring so he hoped none of us minded that he came over. So life grew uncomfortable quickly because G.I. Joe tried to mack on me in front of his brothers! I have this thing, where I’m really uncomfortable in front of other people when it comes to mackage. This can go two ways, I can’t flirt in front of other people so despite the fact of whether or not I like the person I can’t handle flirting, or being flirted with when there is an audience. Strike one. So, he’s sitting across the room and my adorable nephew comes in and looks at him and then points to the other side of the room and says, “Go away!” meaning that he wanted the chair that G.I. Joe was occupying. I was sitting on the couch with my brother-in-law on one side and me on the other and G.I. Joe comes and sits down between us stating that he was kicked out by my nephew which I knew but I preferred that he would have chosen standing rather than sitting by me, to which he sat too closely. He asked me to do an asthma walk with him at the end of September, when someone asks you to be a do gooder with them it’s a little more difficult to deny them. Especially in front of people, what are you supposed to say? Let the asthma people walk for themselves they’re not in wheelchairs, and even then, they are still mobile. Maybe it would have been more appropriate to state that I don’t support asthma. But I agreed and luckily he asked my sister as well. All the while I was sitting there hoping that nobody else noticed how closely he was sitting, or that he kept trying to “accidentally” hit my feet with his. To think that G.I. Joe has had more relationship experience than I, is older than I am, and yet I feel the more mature between the two of us. For someone with his age and experience I expected more.
In the kitchen the brother of brother-in-law that I used to have a crush on (which I think I’ll call my brother-in-law Navy Seal Ken…it was a Christmas thing) made a comment which I do not now remember, but I know with a certainty had to do with G.I. Joe’s advances towards me and gave the implication that he assumed I had similar feelings towards G.I. Joe. I played the oblivious card…oh is he friendlier with me than anyone else in the room? I didn’t even notice. This is why I don’t flirt in front of people, they will call you on it whether to your face or to the person you were flirting with. Don’t misread that though, I don’t flirt with G.I. Joe because I don’t want to…period, not because of the above said reasons, those reasons are for when I like someone.
At the end (and we’re talking about a week later from the above day) of Navy Seal Ken and my sister’s visit I walked them to their car, mostly because I was carrying my nephew and I always walk him to the car because he is the only single man that I truly love. I gave Navy Seal Ken a hug goodbye and he said, “I don’t know if (insert sister’s nickname that I haven’t developed yet, here) asked you but does G.I. Joe make you uncomfortable?” I didn’t know how to respond, a simple “hell yes,” didn’t seem appropriate especially in front of the nephew and at the same time even a nod didn’t seem appropriate because I felt as though they would then pass it on, and despite how much I’m not in love with G.I. Joe I still felt the need to spare feelings. If the time ever came where I had to tell G.I. Joe I wasn’t interested at least I would say it to him and him only, third parties can complicate things and feelings can easily be hurt. That’s right; I actually do care about people’s feelings. So I shook my head ‘no’ and played the ignorant card yet again, acting like I didn’t notice. Then Navy Seal Ken says, “Well, I think he might have a little bit of a crush on you.” Which I didn’t even have time to censor myself and I said, “I know,” and quickly added, “I create feelings in others that they themselves do not recognize.” I’ve come to realize that the only way to escape from an awkward situation is to throw in a good movie quote.

Chapter 53: Blockbuster Girl

I explained to Diva last night about how I can discern if there is relationship potential between me and a guy by the movies he enjoys or even doesn’t enjoy. Preface, there is a guy in the ward who was once known as, “The Barnes’ and Noble Guy”, at least in a certain social circle…not sure what circle that was, but I met him once and he told me the story. He had taken a girl on a date and they went to Barnes’ and Noble with the hidden purpose of seeing what books the girl would look at, and from there he would determine if there was relationship potential. So, with my little talent I have decided that I will be the "Blockbuster Girl". I was talking to Sweet Pea on the phone today explaining all of this and I mentioned that movies have a lot to do with a relationship (therefore being Blockbuster Girl is more essential than being the Barnes’ and Noble Guy). You don’t share books all the time, but in a relationship you are constantly sharing movies. If you are not open to each others genre of video entertainment then how are you suppose to have that effective cuddling leading to kissing leading to marriage portion of your relationship? So I will be the blockbuster girl.
Ducky said once that I’m shallow and yet, somehow still come across as deep.
The reason that all of this came up is the fact that I have proven this theory on more than one occasion, and thus far it has been true with G.I. Joe.
This past Saturday we had an activity…a regional activity, which means that there were even more of the same kind of people to surround myself with. I gave a ride to G.I. Joe and one other person. On the car ride over there were several uses of the phrases, “She always does this to me,” “she’s always good times,” and several other phrases where I had to refrain from rolling my eyes. Near the start of the activity he attempted to get the gunk out of my eye, you know, that little eye gunk that appears in the corner of your eye sometimes. He told me it was there and then tried to get it out. I have a bubble, and having someone else’s finger in my eye definitely goes against the bubble boundary. Then after the activity we were walking around Maymont park (the three of us, because I think person 3 has a crush on G.I. Joe and wanted to enjoy the romantic scenery), I however got caught there, walking around with the two of them.
At one point he told Person 3 that he is over at my family’s house all the time and that my mom wants him to marry either me or my sister. To which I made a face that Person 3 saw and commented on. I made sure to make the statement that I am not currently interested in marriage. In fact, several times that day I made similar statements. Once I explained why I don’t get asked out (I’m not very approachable to new people so no one bothers and when people get to know me it’s too late, I’m in buddyland) after I explained this I added that I don’t care right now anyway, I enjoy being single and I don’t think I’m ready to give it up just yet. Sure, I want a boyfriend, but those words never left my mouth on Saturday.
The drive home was uncomfortable because G.I. Joe and Person 3 both live near each other and I was trying to work it out to avoid any awkward situations with either of them. My brain couldn’t work fast enough and I ended up dropping off Person 3 first at the suggestion of G.I. Joe because dropping him off last really did put me at the road I needed to get home. So I drop him off and he asks if I want to come in and say ‘hello’ to his mom. This isn’t weird, I actually talk to his mom a lot, her being my sister’s mother-in-law, and my sister being her favorite daughter-in-law. So I say ‘ok’ and end up sitting on the couch zoning in and out of the conversation. G.I. Joe keeps bringing up these girls, which I honestly could care less, I do however notice that at the activity the only ones who seemed to catch his attention were the young airheads that no one in all reality had a chance with. They are boy crazy individuals who do not want to head down the same relationship path as these older men who are ready to settle down (apparently with a cute, air-headed, 19-year old). These are the type of girls who end up moving out west and in a year’s time they have meet someone closer to their age, cuter, and more successfully bound than the guys here, and yes, they are engaged to them. Yet, these boys never learn and it’s like watching a freak show every summer.
Anyway, so his mom interrupts and tells him that maybe I don’t want to hear about all these other girls. I, in my mind that is not trained for situations where people are actually trying to set me up, say, “Oh I don’t care,” and then looked at him and said, “as long as you aren’t trying to make me your wingman I’m fine.” He told me he would never do that. Then he starts to talk about movies, movies I have never seen, and ones that I’m not interested in seeing. The whole time I am thinking about my theory on movies and cultivating it for presentation to Diva.
One awkward moment was when he told his mom that he had tried to ask me out but I shot him down…excuse you? Offering to get me some chocolate and asking me what type of food I like does not constitute trying to ask me out and me not eating chocolate or liking a certain type of food does not constitute turning you down…though I probably would have anyway, I don’t appreciate the deceitfulness of the statement.
I also have a hard time telling people I’m leaving, which is why I can end up being at my parent’s house for hours on any given Sunday. It’s difficult for me to say, “Okay I’ll see you guys later.” I usually go into where my dad is, kiss him on the forehead and then go and try to tell my mom. I think I have sadly conditioned my dad, like Pavlov’s dogs, when I come in and kiss him on the forehead he asks if I am leaving and I say, “sooner or later” and he just laughs because he knows that it will be a while, but I wanted to make sure to say “goodbye” to him, should the opportunity present itself to leave and I not have time to come in and say goodbye at that time. Mostly it’s because my mom doesn’t take “goodbyes” well.
So I just sat on the couch, constantly yawning because I really was tired. Finally I waited until a show was over, the ending credits to a show just seem the right time to say, “well, I’d better get going.” So I did that. I start to usher myself towards the door and G.I. Joe says something about how one day we’ll be to the hugging stage and I thinking déjà vu. We’ve had this conversation, however, we’ve also had a hug…I didn’t bring it up, I was just grateful that he forgot.

Chapter 52: Sarcastic Me

I think that I am burned-out in every aspect of my life. I’m growing tired of my family, I’m tired of having to pick the hymns for relief society, I hate my job and am currently taken the proper course of action to get out of it., I’m just sick of everything. I don’t feel like being friendly or even pretending to be friendly anymore. I no longer care about sparing feelings, and I don’t care how it would affect certain people in my life. I went to my parent’s house for dinner tonight and did not want to be there. The moment I pulled into the driveway I knew I didn’t want to stay for long. I even stayed in the car for while before going in.
At dinner my sister told me how my mom told her how G.I. Joe was flirting with me the night before. I just rolled my eyes and then all the questions started from my brother and sister-in-law. Then suddenly my sister-in-law ever the gatherer of information asks, “is he single?” and I turned to her and said, “no, he’s married, kinda awkward” And she had a look on her face like I was serious! It was so weird.
If my family doesn’t back off I will distance them from me, and that’s a promise. So tonight I took a little self-destructive ‘me’ time. I went and hung out with Baby Face for a couple of hours. He wanted to see the dog so we met up to hang out and he could see my dog after the months since he last saw him. It was fun and I really needed it. At one point I got a bottle of water out of my car and it had been sitting in there for a while, but I pulled it out for the dog and Baby Face asked if it was hot and I held it and got a surprised look on my face and said, “Weird, it’s ice cold.” He snatched it from my hand and felt it and said, “It’s hot!” I just started laughing, and he finally got it that I was being sardonic. Why is it that everyone is falling for what I am saying lately? It’s like people forgot that I’m sarcastic, or maybe I am just getting better at being convincing when I flat out lie to people…excuse me, it’s not lying, but being sarcastic.
Anyway, I didn’t realize how long we had been hanging out, but the sun was setting and finally we decided to leave. It was almost 9 o’clock. He told me to bring the dog next Sunday and it would be a tradition and then next summer when he finally got a dog he would bring it too and they could play. It’s the most long term commitment I’ve ever gotten from a guy. Haha…that’s kind of sad.