Denial Ain't Just A River in Egypt

Today is national “I want to crawl in a hole and die” day…in case your traditional calendar doesn’t say that. I’m going to present you with two lists; they represent my “love life” (if you want to call it that) for 2008 (dipping a little into the end of 2007).

List #1 People who have shown an uncomfortable amount of interest in me (therefore, not all are confirmed, but heavily hinted to).

*Mr. Collins
*DND
*NTR
*The Dog Whisperer
*Desperate
*AP (AKA Date #5 for 2008)
*Bball Man

List #2 People who I have had interest in

*B2
*Chill
*SM2
*Charmer
*TDH JR.

…For some reason I can’t remember if there was anyone else. There were small little fleeting moments of interest with a few of the boys in the ward, and most of them are in pretty committed relationships now…

I told PR tonight that it was as if I was going through the seven stages of single hood grief:

Shock and denial – At first I felt like I was okay being single, after all, it’s not all that bad. There are so many things that I can do single that I wouldn’t be able to do if I was married or added children to the mix. That stage lasted for about 12 months, ending today. The mantra, “I’m fine being alone” can only last for so long.

Pain and guilt – This struck around 2:45 p.m. today. It’s been laced through the next two stages during the rest of the afternoon, hitting its climax on my drive home from my Uncle’s Christmas Party. Is it something that I’m doing wrong? Do I drive these people away or am I aiming too high? Certainly I could have made it work with one person on List #1; they’re all rather nice in their own quirky way. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I’m supposed to be in a relationship where the guy likes me a whole lot more than I like them.

Anger and Bargaining – I got a little upset that I keep attracting people that I am not attracted to, but mostly in this stage I tried to make a deal with God. A deal that he could give me a boyfriend for 6 months, and then that boyfriend could completely break my heart, as long as I knew that I could have a boyfriend; that I wasn’t completely messing things up with members of the opposite sex.

“Depression”, reflection, loneliness – I thought about how in the last 10 years I haven’t had much luck with boys, if I did date them (a grand total of 1) they weren’t any good for me and possibly screwed me up more than I already was. Other than that the boys I liked never seemed to like me back. I started to think of Beth in “Little Women” how she said something about how she never saw herself married or growing old…and then she died (I think of yellow fever?)…I’m still waiting for the yellow fever to hit. I’ve never really pictured myself married, doesn’t mean I don’t want to be married, who wants to be alone for the rest of their life? The worst came when I realized that the only type of people I will ever attract are the people who fit nicely on to List #1 and I’ll never get a List #2, I’ll never get married, I’ll never have a guy (who I like) want to hold my hand or wrap their arm around my shoulder. I’m this freakishly tall girl with man hands and love handles… (this was the low point).


The upward turn – I haven’t hit this stage yet, I’m in a strange limbo between the “depression” stage and the “upward turn”, but limbo is better than being completely immersed in depression. I assume that this is the stage where I will just begin to feel better (so maybe I am here I just don’t realize it completely yet).

Reconstruction and working through – Soon, I hope to be in this stage, where I begin to function as a single adult (but NOT in the denial stage I had been in). I’ll start doing little tasks and start planning my life, tear free, as a single.


Acceptance and hope – Finally accepting reality for what it is. Recognizing the difference between when I am screwing something up and when it just wasn’t meant to be. Then maybe I’ll finally get my hands on that greased little pig named Hope.

Yes, today was pretty rough and as I get closer to my birthday I’m afraid I might cycle through the first couple steps for a while. March seems like a good time to get to the last three stages. I’m just frustrated because none of my friends bothered to tell me that TDH jr. is totally out of my league, and no one is telling Bball Man that I’m out of his.

He (Bball Man) wrote me today and told me that the girl he likes went to the movie on Friday. Two girls went to the movie, I was one of them. So what do I do? Do I write back and ask if he likes the other girl? Either way I’m screwed. If he means me then when I wrote back asking if he likes her he’ll tell me it’s me. If I ignore it he’s going to ask why I’m ignoring it. Whether I choose to think that he likes the other girl or that he likes me I’m left in an awkward position.

Today was the first time in a long time that I considered moving, and even though people are the same everywhere you go, at least I’d have a while before any of the List #1 type people found me. Cause today along I had to deal with Bball Man, NTR, and the Dog Whisperer. But that’s a whole nother (is “nother” not a word? …”whole nother” I’ve said it all my life and yet when I try to type it spell check says ‘no’). Anyway, it’s a whole nother blog.

This is getting annoying

You remember when I said that most if not all girls do not intentionally place guys in The Friend Zone?

Well...I lied.

I said this because I have never intentionally placed a guy in the Friend Zone and I gave the rest of the women in the world the benefit of the doubt. I spoke too soon, I apologize.

Bball Man is headed straight towards eternal friend zone and the worst part is, he's leading the way. At least that's how I justify it to myself. I tried to keep conversation to friend topics, I steered away from any openings for him to ask me out and yet he kept persisting! He backed off the date questions but then he mentioned how he's looking for that special someone and asked if I had a special someone or at least some candidates. Who asks that? He's trying to do one of two things, he is trying to become my best guy friend, the one I can tell all my man-related woes to, or he's trying to figure out if I like him. It took me a while to respond back, but I finally wrote back with something saying how I have a lot of "special" people in my life but I don't have a "special someone" then I mentioned that I had a few candidates if you want to call them that since I can't ever talk to guys that I like.

I checked it with PR (which will now stand for Personal Relations) and she said that it sounded good, that by throwing in that I can't talk to the guys I like it automatically, less painfully stated that I was not interested in him (since . We thought a moment longer searching it for loop holes and deciding that there couldn't be and that he was careening towards the Friend Zone, I went ahead and sent it. So we were okay for a few e-mails (with the exception that he kept trying to figure out if he knew who my candidates were). I finally told him that he does know him, but I'm not sharing anymore information because then I will have more trouble than usual talking to this guy that I like. Because when other people know who you like you suddenly find yourself with an audience when you walk up to your true love and try to stammer out "hello" or maybe even try to flirt. He said he understood he was the same way with girls, but told me that I should try to drop hints because any guy would be lucky to have me talk to them (sweet...but he got me more with the basketball compliments).

He told me that I know the girl he is interested in...he also told me that she plays ball with us. Well, for the most part I am the only girl playing so I am struggling with red flags and flashing lights while I try to think of what other girl he would like. Who comes sometimes that he may be interested in.

So, Bball Man works with Little Brother. This morning I get a random text message from Little Brother asking me what's up. This is odd because I only ever hear from Little Brother on Thursday afternoons when he sends the mass text to remind people about basketball. For a moment I thought maybe it was Thursday, but I decided to text back anyway. He's getting a group of people together to see the new Will Smith movie and wants to know if I'm "down" he also asked me who else I should invite...now the paranoid side of me is wondering if he is trying to figure out who I like as well, since it is a basketball patron they would both know him.

What is it with guys wanting to know girls secret. It's like my friend in high school who loved to read my journal (in the days before blogs). He loved how real it was and everything. Of course, I think journals are much more personal, but I think I've done a bang up job of sharing my feelings in this one. Back to the story. I told him that I'd invite my roommates and I guess we could just invite the basketball people. Then he text me and says that Bball Man wanted to call me but he (Little Brother) doesn't give out people's numbers without permission. What am I supposed to say?? I can't very well say 'no' at this point. So I tell him he can but to warn him that I don't pick up the phone often. And I haven't even mentioned that I don't have text messages as part of my plan (yes, I'm geeking out about how many have been sent back and forth already). Things got busy at work so I didn't check my phone for a while, when I finally did Bball Man and Little Brother had both texted me. BBall Man just asking "What's up?" (which worried me that we'd start texting and like I said, I don't have a lot of text). Little Brother was just making sure I was in for the movie. I told him that he had me at Will Smith. Then I wrote BBall man and said that not much was up. I didn't ask questions or anything because I don't want to chance a lot of text messages.

I don't know why I just wrote all of that, I don't even know if it makes sense or if it is even what I meant to write.

We are all just sticks of celery

This is an old one, so when I say something like, "the other night" it was more like a year and half ago. I originally posted it for SweetPea who wanted to know why I said that we are all just sticks of celery. Here it goes:

To begin, the other night for some reason I brought up that flamingo's are pink because they eat shrimp (I think it's shrimp) and that canary's are yellow because they eat Sunflower leaves...oh I remember why I brought it up, because at Ducky's house she had Sun flowers and the leaves were falling off. Back to the story. So I started to speculate, what if you could make sunflower petals taste like shrimp? Could you then create a yellow flamingo? Because that would be awesome! Then I started to think that flamingo's and canary's are just cool anyway because they can take on the color of their food, how many other animals are really taking on the color of what they eat? We as humans become what we eat, but do we change to the color of what we eat?

The answer is 'yes' and 'no'. We eat such a large variety of colors that it is impossible to choose just one to become. But we do change colors. There was this guy I worked with in College who for a biology course ate nothing but carrots. He checked to see what color he was everyday and after a certain amount of time he began to take on an orange tint.

It got me thinking about celery. (I know, my brain is weird) and how celery changes to the color of it's water (and carnations too!) In the end, if we were to just soak up or eat the same colored food we quite possibly could take on that color (I think it only works with none processed food). So therefore we are all just sticks of celery, not necessarily bound to the color skin that we were born, but able to take on at least the color orange.

On a similar and yet, not so similar note, I was thinking today about how if you put a lobster in a pot of boiling water they will jump right out (can lobsters jump? I think I might be thinking of a frog).

However, if you place that frog in a pot of cold water and slowly turn the heat up the frog will soon be dead in a pot of boiling water. I wonder if we are the same? We are with music. You don't get into a car and turn it on only to find the music blaring and not instinctively reach to turn it down. However, you can get in the car with no music, turn it on and slowly through out your drive turn it up, and up, and up.

Eh, that's all for now.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last Series. Volume Two: The Friend Zone

In the last entry I decided that nice guys finish last because of the creep factor. They have their little quirks and maybe some problems with their mothers. I determined that they couldn't get the girl because of the serial killer stigma. Serial Killers are pretty nice people too (as I am believing even more as I read "The Serial Killers Club"). You just have to avoid their "type" and stay on their good side. There is a guy at work that I think is totally cute, but he's quiet and rarely speaks (to me or anyone else) and for a while I figured he might be a sociopath (especially since I was attracted to him and I have horrible luck with guys). For a while I thought his parents were out of the picture which did not help abate the warning signals reeling in my head that this adorable slice of manhood could be a sociopath and quite possibly be suppressing the serial killer urge (or maybe not even suppressing which may be worse). Anyway, that was the last post. This post is the long awaited second of the Nice guy series. It's not long awaited for all of you because I just reposted it. However, it's been over a year since I wrote the original and it was more for fun anyway, I don't really believe that nice guys finish last because they give off the Norman Bates vibe...though some of them very well may.


Series Two is devoted to the Friend Zone. The Friend Zone is the male version of Buddy Land, cause see, we can't chance women in Buddy Land meeting men in the Friend Zone, they might hook up and leave the area altogether! We can't have that, there must be order and abounding loneliness! Therefore we must give them two different places to dwell. Muhahaha!


Actually, for those of you who are unaware, they are not two real, finite, tangible places. However I do believe that the two "species" who are coexisting in this world are unable to connect and see each other in those other worlds. Does that make sense? Sometimes I ramble when I am talking about a whacked out theory. The people who are what I like to call Buddy remains are perfect for each other! The Nice Guys are looking for a girl who doesn't dump them in the Friend Zone and the Girls stuck in buddy land are looking for someone to see them as more than a friend. They have so much in common!

But I digress. The Friend Zone: An Essay on the Sad State of Our Single Times.

I think we have all been found guilty of it, there is a guy we know who may be interested in us, but we just aren't feeling it with them, which is a crying shame if you are a regular visitor or permanent resident of Buddy Land. So what to do with this person? They are totally cool and nice but we just don't want to date them, not sure why, we just don't.

I had that situation with D&D. I liked him as a person, I really did, but he liked me more than just a friend. I tried my hardest to see him as more, I went through mental preparation like an athlete, I tried to visualize holding his hand, kissing him, but...in the end there was still nothing. I had to tell him that I didn't think we liked each other in the same way. I would have loved to have had him as a friend. To have a guy to hang out with and watch movies and such, and I'm not going to lie, if he had been okay with that then that's what we would be. Perpetual friends. But though he said that he was okay with that and we should "hang out" sometime, I never heard from him again.

Broke my heart a little, but at the same time I silently cheered for him.

You see, the problem with the nice guy is he settles for the Friend Zone. He likes the girl, yes, so that's a little why he would stay in the Friend Zone, but also there is just the plain and simple truth that he is a nice guy. He doesn't want to hurt the girl's feelings by ditching her completely when she expresses that nothing more than friendship is going to happen (this is in a case when the girl does express genuine interest in remaining friends). Sometimes it's best to make a clean break, because once you're in the friend zone the girl can't let go, you're her buddy and she'll never understand why you feel the sudden urge to move on with your life, to get a girlfriend, to (gasp) not be at her beck and call. Because most of the time a guy in the friend zone is like a boyfriend without the action, so when the guy tries to leave it's almost like a break up (this is the same with Men and their "buddies" they stick in Buddyland - we are all, male and female, guilty of doing this to people).

I realize that I sound very harsh towards women, I should put a disclaimer that most, if not all, women do not do this to men on purpose, or to be mean or manipulative. They just know how they feel, and they love having the guy as a friend, why would they want to give him up? Why wouldn't they fight to keep possibly one of the best male relationships they have ever had?

It all starts simple enough, you aren't repulsed by the guy, he's not sending out the creep vibe and he's just a really nice guy. You have no reason he shouldn't be in your life, but you have insurmountable evidence that he can't be more in your life (i.e. absolute lack of attraction). It's not that you want a pet, it's that you want that possible friendship. He's holding out for the day you realize you're in love with him, and you...aren't expecting anything but a friend. It's kind of hard to finish the race when you keep going down the wrong road. Does that make any sense?

Who knows, I could be really off on this, but maybe there's just a smidgen of truth in there...right? If not, consider this a rambling post.

Sometimes I opt for Buddy Land

I went home on my lunch break to discover that not only had NTR commented on about 13 photos of me (on Facebook) but he also sent me a message. Which is sitting there right next to my latest message from Basketball Man (we won't be shortening that nickname to initials). Okay, one at a time, I understand.

NTR - 13 photos and the things he had to say didn't even make sense. I think he may or may not have had a lobotomy at some point. After reading his comments (like moth to a flame, a person leaves a comment I have to read them) I go to the message and he asks me for advice or an honest opinion or something like that about why he can't seem to get a girlfriend and he doesn't understand the whole loneliness bit. Hi, I've been lonely a whole lot longer so cry me a river. I didn't respond.

Before I left home to come back to work I get a message from B2, he says, "Hey, I noticed that NTR is really trying to be your friend. Good luck with that." Anyone else I would have immediately jumped down their throats about that, but I can't tell with B2 if it's meant to be mean. Something tells me he might really mean the "Good luck with that" part.

Basketball Man on the other hand went from being a nice guy I wanted to be friends with to my new stalker. It's just annoying now and I hold firm to the belief that annoying people don't realize they are being annoying. Not that I even think he is annoying, I'm trying to remember him the way he was when I last saw him in person. Normal, nice, good three point shot. It's difficult to see at this point. My last response to him (regarding the "what else do you do for fun" and "what is your favorite type of movie") I told him that I liked all different types of movies and it depended on the actual movie itself, I steered away from the movie idea and took it towards music (a friend topic) by stating that I am the same way with music. I ignored the "what else do you do for fun" question as I saw that as irrelevant.

Then he wrote back telling me that rap and R&B are his favorite types of music...I may be open minded but out of all the genres that's the one with the least number of favorites. Then he tells me how he likes a lot of movies and he has a huge movie collection, some of which he's never even seen (I feel certain that while I have a burgeoning movie collection I have, in fact, seen all of them). Then drops in the line, "I just wish I had someone to watch them with." Another statement/question for me to pretend I didn't notice. Then he asked what my work schedule is like...is there any way for me to derail this? The only good news is that I don't have free time. I already concluded that getting an even number of dates this year was out of my reach due to lack of time and overabundance of activity. I'm already double booked for Friday and I don't say it to sound like I'm so pretty and popular (Josie and the Pussycats) but because everyone always tries to cram everything in to the last few weeks of the year as though there is nothing beyond December 31st (guilty as charged, I'm as bad as the rest of them). Plus I am working the next two weekends and the other two I'm not because I already have plans. Even if I wanted a date I couldn't have one (though if TDH jr. asked me I bet I could rearrange my schedule pretty quickly). I just don't want to write him back now because even though my busy-ness is all honest and true I know it will sound like I'm trying to avoid it (which I am, but still). Does that make sense?

Anyway, so I get back to work from my lunch break and am in a strange mood. I trudged up the stairs with a dizzying headache, I sat down to find I had no motivation to work, I'm trying to think if it's all so bad that I should move, but like pseudo boyfriend told me on Friday night, people are the same no matter where you go. If I attract them here, I will attract them there.

I log on to my work computer and have a couple e-mails, one from this kid at work who is super nice and we talk sometimes, but it's not like we are fantastic friends or anything. So he has an education question he asks if he fails an exam does he have to repay the company for the cost. I wrote back and said that he wouldn't for the first exam but he would need to pay for the retest. He writes back asking how much that is and before I have a response for him he writes back again saying he found it on the website ($200+ for the retest). Then he says, "That is going to suck, because I am probably going to fail on Friday." Here I was thinking that he had taken it earlier this week or today even and thought he had failed but he hadn't even taken it! So here is what I wrote back:

"I thought you were asking because you had taken it and failed, but I know now that you’re just a raging optimist (that’s sarcastic by the way)."

Remember, I rarely talk to this guy, but he caught me in a sarcastic mood. I added a smiley face at the end to ensure he knew it was friendly sarcasm. But I couldn't help but wonder what his initial reaction was since I always seem so quiet. A conversation ensued and for almost an hour I went between blogging and responding to his e-mails. It was fun, and the kind of thing I needed after the rough morning/afternoon I was having, it helped to get me out of the funk I was in, and now I only have an hour left of work. And tomorrow is technically my Friday since I am taking the real Friday off. This week is already going by more smoothly than last week, even though it still has it's gaping potholes along the way.

Venting

I need a place to vent.

I need to move really. I've got Chris (basketball man) constantly e-mailing me, slowly leading me towards a question I don't want to be headed towards (asking me out). Then there is NTR who just won't let up and then despite the fact that I told him he can't come to me with his problems he sent me a message today asking me for advice on girls. Dude, I will not be your therapist I'm already screwed up enough as it is. NTR also decided to comment on about 13 of my photos today on Facebook...all within the same hour. So B2 thinks it would be funny to send me a message about my "new friend", NTR. Ha. Ha. My sides are splitting. (Sarcasm). I'm reading The Serial Killers Club and surprisingly it makes me want to connect with someone, it makes me feel lonely in way and I didn't think that this book would do it. I also hate the narrator, I hope I'm meant to hate him because I do. He's cocky, self-righteous and doesn't seem to realize how annoying he is. But I guess annoying people never notice how annoying they are.

But that's not what I need to privately vent about. What I need to privately vent about is that people just let me down, they always do and I'm wondering if there is anyway that I can avoid having that happen. because when people let you down, they disappoint you and no matter how hard you try you're still disappointed, you're still a smidgen upset. I don't want to be disappointed in people. I don't want to care about it that much.

Bull was supposed to help me out tomorrow and I e-mailed her on Monday to double check that she still could and she didn't e-mail me back, until today, after I contacted her sister to see if she was still alive. The e-mail was negative, which I prepared myself for after the first 24 hours of not hearing back from her. She's swamped, just got thrown on her today. It's fine to be busy, it's fine to have to back out, it's not fine to lie to me and I'm pretty good at being able to tell when I'm hearing an excuse that isn't completely truthful. Yes, she may be swamped at work, but she knew about it before today.

It's not like it's even a big deal, I'll make the stuff tonight for tomorrow and it's not a big deal. It's almost better that I am doing it, but how am I supposed to respond to that e-mail? I'm supposed to lie of course, because being polite involves some sort of lie every now and then.

Also, I think like a guy, I'm not here to listen to your problem just for the sake of letting you get it off your chest, I'm thinking, "Okay, now how can we fix this?" I try not to think that way, but I can't help it, I'm not good with sympathy.

Awkward Moments Define My Life

I don't feel like working right now so I am going to blog instead. So here's the update with the male species:

There is this guy that I play basketball with who is super nice, but I only see him as a friend. This past week he found me on Facebook and when I confirmed him as a friend he immediately started to write me. Started out simple enough but then he kept going, asking more questions about me. What do I like to do for fun, what did I study in college, etc. Red lights have been flashing for a while so I try to just answer the questions but not ramble like I sometimes do. Like I said, he's a super nice guy, so I don't want to be rude or seem like an ego-maniac by assuming that he likes me; but I also don't want to ignore that I think he might and end up in an awkward situation (like I usually do by pretending I don't see it). It's just complicated, if that makes any sense. Anyway, his latest questions were, "what else do you like to do for fun? What are your favorite types of movies?" I don't like these questions, to me, these are "Date idea" kind of questions. These are almost as bad as when the person seems to agree with you on everything like the two of you are so compatible. Newsflash for anyone out there, I don't want someone who is just like me...I annoy myself, so what good is it going to do you to have all the same interest? Sorry, detour.

Then there is NTR, not that he's a problem, he just makes for interesting stories. Friday night we had a semi formal dance with people from all over the region for church. It was fun, though I rarely danced and I talked to the same person most of the night (details/explanation to follow). NTR kept coming up to me and telling me that I looked nice, my dress was pretty, I looked like a beautiful hourglass...yup, that's right, a beautiful hourglass. Can't say I've heard that one before. However, I was able to mostly avoid any situations with him that night. Last night he was over at our house because we hosted FHE (Family Home Evening). He came up to me, told me I looked nice (I'm not going to shoot down compliments, but don't do the elevator eyes when you give them). I told him thank you, and then he continues a conversation that should have died ages ago. It was the one about how I'm not like other girls, well, it's the one where he pretty much said I wasn't like a girl. Which got him in a lot of trouble. So he tries to explain himself, and I feel like telling him that I don't like to talk about how much I'm apparently not like a girl. We did end up agreeing that it wasn't that I'm not a like a girl, but that in addition to being like a girl I also do things that most girls don't (apparently playing bball with the boys counts as one). So hopefully that topic of conversation is finished. Then he goes on about how I'm the kind of girl he can come to with his problems, etc. etc. even though I remember telling him that he couldn't. Then for some random reason he says, "You know, I used to have a crush on you but then I found out how old you were." I could have taken offense, instead I gave a prayer of gratitude for the age barrier. I just nodded my head and agreed that I was old and silently prayed that he would drop it or get distracted and walk away. Which, I think he finally did, either that or I walked away, can't remember.

So Friday night, the one person I pretty much talked to the whole time was this kid I know from Institute. I wanted to throw this in there for those of you who saw us talking most of the night and wondered what was going on. Nothing. That's it. Nothing is going on - I think he is a cool guy but there are a few problems: first, he is dating my friend, secondly he is 18, thirdly - 1 and 2 should be all the reason I need. His girlfriend wanted to dance, he wasn't really feeling it so I stayed and talked to him so he wouldn't be alone. It didn't stop me from dancing off of the dance floor and forcing him to dance a little, but I felt weird just abandoning him. Anywho - I just wanted to clear it up because several people came up to me and were asking me who my "boyfriend" was.

I just want TDH jr. to love me...can anyone get me that for Christmas? I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

What League am I Playing In?

Waiting to fall in love is like waiting to see a pot of water begin to boil. If you keep your eye on it then it seems to take longer, but if you take your eyes off it and start to work on other things suddenly it's boiling before you know it.

I would like to say that I am writing this because I have fallen in love, but sadly I am writing as a person who can't seem to take their eyes off the pot. It's not as though the rest of my life isn't continuing, it is, but at the same time it's fringed with the desire to be desired.

I'm growing frustrated with the fact that I can't seem to say anything to TDH Jr. I don't think I've ever clammed up this badly. It's annoying and self destructive. I find I can barely make eye contact with him or even ask him a question directly. Last night after basketball he was hanging out a little behind everyone else and I was walking through the door with my friend and I couldn't ask him if he was coming, I asked my friend if he was. He's a totally nice guy, he talks to everyone and even though I see him talking to other people and I decide that I can do it, when he's there I just can't. I'm retarded, malfunctioning, debilitated. I feel it's mostly due to The Village theory (a theory I got from the movie "The Village") sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them. Why? Why are we like that? More specifically why am I like that?

The other day my roommate asked about leagues. You know, when someone says, "She's out of your league" or something like that. She wanted to know if the guys she liked were out of her league. It got me thinking, because I had never thought about it before, what my league is. I hate to report that I still don't know, and I think League placement has to be left to a third party. You can't know your own league, it's just impossible, unless of course, you actually date. But even then your perception of your league may be off, what if you're out of their league? You're playing in the minors when you could be playing in the majors. It goes the other way though too, the traditional way when a kind hearted friend says, "Dude, you're overreaching."

I wonder if my friends would have the honesty and the brazenness to say, "Dude, you're overreaching" (especially concerning my intense interest in TDH jr). I would also like some assistance from those who know me and don't care about being kind to me (because really, what good would that do) to help me build a list of people who are in my "league" so I can adjust "my type" to fit people I can actually attain in this life, because if I am over reaching then this whole falling in love, boiling pot of water thing may never happen for me.

I think tomorrow I'll post a compilation of songs that make me want to fall in love...and then I'll remove every single one from my iTunes so that I can take my eyes off the placid water and be busy until it's ready to get going.

Bad Day

This morning my dog got out...yet again. I will spare you (maybe just myself) the details of how he got out on this particular occurrence. Just know that he did, and with 2 minutes before I had to leave for work I was chasing him down the street, fingers paralyzed from the cold and holding a bucket of his favorite treats in my hands (or sometimes tucked under my arms). There are certain times when he gets out (i.e. after dark) where I decide it's better just to let him go. But while the sun is shining I have to make it look like I care enough, so I chase him as much as I can, usually catching him with the help of a neighbor kid, or on one occasion a very scared, angry, old man (this is the main reason I try to catch him...if someone is going to kill my dog it's going to be me not some stranger).

So this morning I chased him for about a block and then said tired and annoyed called out, "Screw you!"...hoping no neighbors heard that. I walked back to my house, fuming, the longer I walked the angrier I became. I got back to the house, grabbed my stuff for work and got in the car. I honestly think I would have driven straight to work and let that dumb dog fend for himself today. When I pulled the car out of the driveway I can see the floppy ears of crap for brains bouncing up and down as he galloped towards the house like I would even still want him. I backed the car up (though I felt like running him over) and got out of the car already talking to him. I asked him what even made him think I still wanted him? Then I walked towards the backyard and he goes to the back door and I tell him he's not going inside. He didn't put up a fight going into his kennel but the damage was done, I didn't love him anymore.


So I drive to work in a sour mood and I'm 15 minutes late, I don't like being late. First thing when I sit down there is a voicemail from an employee, he has some questions about open enrollment forms. I talk to messages by the way, I don't know if you knew that, but if you want to hear my real, honest answer you have to listen in when I listen to your voicemail. He asks me if I can just fill out a form for him...uh...no. Then he asks if he has to fill out all of another form. That would be yes. Out of his three questions only the third didn't tick me off. I wait on calling him back and when I finally do I get a voicemail, so I try to sound as nice as possible since voice mails can be saved for evidence.

Then I get to run downstairs for the world's most boring meeting. I get to sit in four of these, and have now gone through 2. This is the worst week ever. While we are in the meeting Boss Lady realizes that a form that we have in packets we are sending out to former employees is wrong. I stayed at work an hour and a half late last night trying to get these packets ready to go out today and now I have to go upstairs and make sure that they aren't in the mail. Then we have to open them without destroying the envelope because of all the work to get the envelopes ready (certifieds have stickers and paperwork all over them). We take out the old paper, put in the new one and reseal (usually with scotch tape).

In the meantime people keep calling with random questions. They have their open enrollment paper work due Friday, they have 401k meetings this week and there's Angel Tree due Thursday. I'm in essentially in charge of all that, so everyone calls me. The phone and me don't normally get along so on a bad day it's even worse.

My least favorite thing are the last minute people. They did it with the open enrollment meetings and now they are doing it again with the 401k meetings. The, "I'm not sure if I signed up but can you sign me off for such and such time?" Hello...the meetings have already started. By putting in a time in the e-mail rather than checking it's no longer a "I'm not sure if I signed up situation" but rather an, "I didn't feel it important to sign up beforehand, could we do it now." Leave out the "I don't think I signed up part" if you want to stay in my good graces. Part of me feels like saying, "Nope, you'll have to study out the new plan on your own. Should have responded when the e-mail was sent out two weeks ago!" Of course there are also those people who respond to the reminder e-mail and say, "I was out yesterday so I didn't get this e-mail until just now." Way to rat yourself out that you didn't bother to read the first one. My life would be easier if people would just get their life's straight. Respond to an e-mail that says there is a mandatory meeting when you get the e-mail, go to the meeting you signed up for, don't switch meetings without talking to me, there is a 40 person max in the training room and you've just kicked someone out of a meeting they signed up for two weeks ago. Don't show up to a meeting if you never signed up for one (I know who is suppose to be there ding bat). It's just rude and inconsiderate and I know it should be a big deal but it is, not only because it's a job that has been given to me but because we can't have people coming and going to these things when they feel like it because there are people who are following the rules and they deserve to be able to go to their pick of meetings. Know what I mean?

Tomorrow I will be in a good mood. I hope.

WE ALL ARE MORMONS....by Rabbi Shifren
We are living in an era of insanity! Witness the latest attempt to remakethe nature of our country, founded and established on certain principles thathave been the envy of the entire world. The latest assault on our country andits values comes in the form of vicious and criminal violence against the Mormonchurch in Westwood, California
Interesting how the selective self-righteous indignation on the part ofthe radical Gay activists is played out here: they bewail the blow to freedomand justice! But I thought we just had elections, where the majority ofCalifornians expressed their views in a free and open manner. Are we not anation of laws? Dare we relive the McCarthy era, where Americans were harassedand threatened with the loss of their jobs for believing in a certain way? Ifthe Gay radicals should have their way, untold numbers of Americans would liveunder the threat of the Gay-Lesbian "thought police," whereindividuals that reject the Gay lifestyle would be sought out and have sanctionsbrought against them.
It's bad enough for those working in the entertainment industry herein Los Angeles, where a fog of political correctness and a bending overbackwards to accommodate, even promote Gay lifestyle is in full gear. Let nonedare say that this type of activity is anathema to our country, our morality,and the debauchery of our young people.
Let it be stated unequivocally: The radical Gay attack on the Mormons isthe shot over the bow against the United States of America. There was a timewhen what a man did in his bedroom was sanctified between himself and God. Nowwe are being served an "in-your-face" smorgasbord of smut andlicentiousness as being between people who only "want their civilrights."
Hogwash! We are dealing with the equivalent of a moral takeover of thecountry that has as its bedrock a belief in God and His promise for humanity.They don't want civil rights! What they desire is quasi Gay/Lesbianhegemony, where a huge "bookburning, " reminiscent of the Nazis, willpurge any remnants of the "Christian, White, mainstream America" thathas given ALL AMERICANS the most profound scope of freedom, liberty, and justicethat Mankind has yet to experience.
People have perhaps wondered: why the Mormons? Answer: they are a small,yet vocal Christian minority. They have been selected by the mobs as vulnerable,a group that might not have such massive support among America's Christians.
We who are friends of the Mormons, their patriotism, their family values,will not falter in our continued support of these dear Americans. Let us recallthe Christian minister Niemoller, whose admonition during those dark years ofNazi Germany moved us to our core:

"When they came for the gypsies, I said nothing, because I wasn'ta gypsy. When they came for the homosexuals, I said nothing, because Iwasn't a homosexual. When they came for the Jews, I said nothing, because Iwasn't a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I said nothing, becauseI wasn't a Catholic.... ..then they came for me, and there was no one left todefend me."