So my sister just e-mailed me to inform me that my aunt is dying. Not Thorn, but one of my dad’s sisters. She has cancer and they think it may be stage 4, which means that they won’t operate. She’s going to the doctor on Thursday, but again, if it is stage 4 then whatever they find they won’t operate. Right now they give her six months to a year.
I don’t know what it is, whether it be I have trouble realizing the truth when people are far away or if it is because I’m not close with her but my initial reaction was, well, obsolete, I didn’t really have a reaction. My sister told me that they want to get everyone together in Michigan July 4th and all I could think was, “I teach that Sunday,” I kept thinking, I have to teach that Sunday, I need to so that the lesson goes along with the Enrichment planned the Saturday after. So I looked at my calendar to see if we could do it a different weekend, seeing if I had an “opening”, then I remembered that everyone would be together on the 4th What a horrible person I am that I found something more important than my dying aunt. I’m trying to tell myself that people handle these situations differently, and maybe the way I handle it is the type of person I always hated in the movies, the one who needs to keep going like nothing just happened.
The only consolation I really have is that the longer I let it set in the more upset I become. Normalcy. Even then it didn’t stop me from asking my sister if she thought we could get back in time on that Sunday for me to teach. But I also threw in there if not then I still intend to go to Michigan, I’ll just get someone else to teach the lesson. I keep asking myself why that’s so important. Because really, it’s not, not when compared to someone in the family dying, having her days numbered. I have plenty of time to teach lessons and hang out with friends. I wish I hadn’t asked her about being back in time on Sunday, and I can only hope that she understands I don’t handle these things well, it’s not like I have a lot of experience in losing people. I suppose part of me keeps thinking that until Thursday this could all be something easily fixed.
It certainly does put life in perspective. Last night I was in self-pity mode. You were spared because I wrote down all this junk you don’t care to read and then I deleted it. Then you got the blog you had, which may have been mellow, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. So with all this self-pity I was drowning in I woke up this morning and wished to be hit by a car. Didn’t happen though, as you can probably tell. I check my e-mail at work and my mom has sent me an e-mail about a dog that walks on his hind legs,
out of necessity, he only has his hind legs, and while he could maybe get some wheels, somehow this dog had the determination that most humans lack and learned to walk like a person. My mom’s comment, “Another reason why we should never complain,” well thanks mom, you’ve really made me feel better. A dog has more drive and determination than your daughter. Somehow it didn’t inspire me. It got me teary eyed, a little sad, and yes, I suppose it reached my mom’s objective, for thirty minutes I felt as though I shouldn’t complain about anything. But being the selfish creature that I am, 30 minutes later I complained that I was bored. I wish I was a dog
with only two legs and learned to walk on them like a human, because then I would be special, then I would have drive, and I wouldn’t have to sit at this computer wondering if I’ll ever do anything of importance or be a better person than I am today - some selfish brat who doesn’t immediately jump on the band wagon to visit a dying aunt.
I was listening to a song this morning and they said something about being jaded, and I thought, “Yup, that’s me.” I hate being jaded. Dino gets to have moxie, and I get to be jaded. So my goal from this day forward is to not be jaded, I don’t want to be a pessimist, I don’t want to hate myself. I mean, I was reading my old blog and I could observe people but still be funny, but at the end of the blog it didn’t sit with me like greasy food, it was an observation, it was over, and
life moved on. So the goal – to be the old me, because while neither one of us is getting me a boyfriend, I might as well be happier with myself. I did intend to be more optimistic today, and maybe I just have to get this stuff out now, and maybe the things that seem like they have brought my day down are really just going to be the inspiration to not waste anymore time. I’m siding with the latter and hope I can remember them as a positive influence rather than an excuse to be jaded.
I don’t know what it is, whether it be I have trouble realizing the truth when people are far away or if it is because I’m not close with her but my initial reaction was, well, obsolete, I didn’t really have a reaction. My sister told me that they want to get everyone together in Michigan July 4th and all I could think was, “I teach that Sunday,” I kept thinking, I have to teach that Sunday, I need to so that the lesson goes along with the Enrichment planned the Saturday after. So I looked at my calendar to see if we could do it a different weekend, seeing if I had an “opening”, then I remembered that everyone would be together on the 4th What a horrible person I am that I found something more important than my dying aunt. I’m trying to tell myself that people handle these situations differently, and maybe the way I handle it is the type of person I always hated in the movies, the one who needs to keep going like nothing just happened.
The only consolation I really have is that the longer I let it set in the more upset I become. Normalcy. Even then it didn’t stop me from asking my sister if she thought we could get back in time on that Sunday for me to teach. But I also threw in there if not then I still intend to go to Michigan, I’ll just get someone else to teach the lesson. I keep asking myself why that’s so important. Because really, it’s not, not when compared to someone in the family dying, having her days numbered. I have plenty of time to teach lessons and hang out with friends. I wish I hadn’t asked her about being back in time on Sunday, and I can only hope that she understands I don’t handle these things well, it’s not like I have a lot of experience in losing people. I suppose part of me keeps thinking that until Thursday this could all be something easily fixed.
It certainly does put life in perspective. Last night I was in self-pity mode. You were spared because I wrote down all this junk you don’t care to read and then I deleted it. Then you got the blog you had, which may have been mellow, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. So with all this self-pity I was drowning in I woke up this morning and wished to be hit by a car. Didn’t happen though, as you can probably tell. I check my e-mail at work and my mom has sent me an e-mail about a dog that walks on his hind legs,
out of necessity, he only has his hind legs, and while he could maybe get some wheels, somehow this dog had the determination that most humans lack and learned to walk like a person. My mom’s comment, “Another reason why we should never complain,” well thanks mom, you’ve really made me feel better. A dog has more drive and determination than your daughter. Somehow it didn’t inspire me. It got me teary eyed, a little sad, and yes, I suppose it reached my mom’s objective, for thirty minutes I felt as though I shouldn’t complain about anything. But being the selfish creature that I am, 30 minutes later I complained that I was bored. I wish I was a dog
with only two legs and learned to walk on them like a human, because then I would be special, then I would have drive, and I wouldn’t have to sit at this computer wondering if I’ll ever do anything of importance or be a better person than I am today - some selfish brat who doesn’t immediately jump on the band wagon to visit a dying aunt.I was listening to a song this morning and they said something about being jaded, and I thought, “Yup, that’s me.” I hate being jaded. Dino gets to have moxie, and I get to be jaded. So my goal from this day forward is to not be jaded, I don’t want to be a pessimist, I don’t want to hate myself. I mean, I was reading my old blog and I could observe people but still be funny, but at the end of the blog it didn’t sit with me like greasy food, it was an observation, it was over, and
life moved on. So the goal – to be the old me, because while neither one of us is getting me a boyfriend, I might as well be happier with myself. I did intend to be more optimistic today, and maybe I just have to get this stuff out now, and maybe the things that seem like they have brought my day down are really just going to be the inspiration to not waste anymore time. I’m siding with the latter and hope I can remember them as a positive influence rather than an excuse to be jaded.
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