Chapter 107: So I'm teaching on Sunday about Enduring it Well.

I’m tired of being snubbed by guys for little 18 year olds. I have come to realize that maybe I am too old and too quiet for the guys around here. They obviously want someone under 20 who yells everything they are saying. While we’re at it, let me throw in that I am too smart. I got snubbed last night by Coz, it’s not a big deal to me in the sense that I’m not interested in him, but even without interest, that was rude.
The boys had a basketball game last night, I went along with Newbie and of course MM was there, first game she’s shown up to, don’t you worry, she took the extra hour to beautify for the boys. I don’t get her. So after the game I was talking to Agent L, Newbie, and another friend and Coz was on the other side of Newbie so I leaned over and touched his arm to get his attention and told him that he had a nice shot (he did make a good one, surprised a lot of us), I had my hand out to shake it and he looked right at me, then turned to keep talking to the Dentals and the most idiotic 18 year old (she could be 19 or worse 20) I have ever met. Seriously I had five minutes of conversation with her and wondered if she were for real. If you’ve seen the movie Fool’s Gold, then you can compare this girl to the daughter of the rich guy in that movie. I wanted to turn to her at some point and say, “Do you really not know the answer to that?” just like Kate Hudson’s character did. Oops, point being, that was rude! Newbie and New Friend were both complaining about it because they saw it. I was seriously wounded. I was snubbed by Coz for an airhead who’s not interested in him. It’s all these negatives in there. I tried to act like it didn’t hurt me that much and then continued talking to Agent L and the girls. Later Coz came up to try and talk to me and I got up and walked away, I told him that he insulted me and he did his usual ‘I’m innocent’ thing. He kept apologizing saying that he didn’t mean to and he didn’t even know I had my hand out and that I said anything, and he doesn’t know why he didn’t. I told him I had a feeling why (stupid, young bimbo). I’m not nothing, I don’t know why the guys around me treat me as though I am.
After the game Newbie, Friend and I were walking out to our cars and Mr. Bingly backs his car up and tries to roll down his window but is having problems so his roommate rolls down his and they tell us that they are going to Sonic and want us to come. These are three girls who have never been invited by this particular group of guy so like idiots we agree. Well, I let the other two decide saying that if they go I’ll go. But we don’t know where Sonic is so we are on the phone (because they didn’t know either they were following these two young girls who live on that side of town) so they had left us to follow them and then we called to find out where it was. We are on the way and we call and then they tell us that Sonic is closed. So they say they are going to go to WaWa instead, we are at one WaWa, we had already passed another. So Newbie gives details of which one we are at and they say they’ll meet us there. So we’re waiting and they call back to tell us it’s the other WaWa, the one down the street from the church, so we’ve driven all the way down this road to turn around and go back to where we started. I was frustrated (I’m overly sensitive lately) and said, “My bad, I didn’t realize that we were still in high school.” We finally get to the other WaWa and I couldn’t understand why we were even there. Everyone else had already bought a drink and they were standing there, with Bimbo yelling at everyone, “Oh my gosh this” and “oh my gosh that!” Touching and pushing people. I was getting a headache. Only one person (Mr. Bingly) even spoke to us while we were there. It was time to go and the only person who said goodbye…was Mr. Bingly. Why did we come along? I don’t know, but we wasted a good half hour trying to.
I think that a girl’s self esteem can only take so much. I’m sick and tired of not being asked out by a normal guy at church, I’m tired of Bachelor #1 saying he’d like to go out with me again but not thinking I’m worth the risk of actually asking (I’m glad he’s not asking, but it’s not enough to tell me you want to date me, you have to do it. That whole actions speak louder than words thing again). I’m tired of hoping that Agent L will realize that he wants to ask me out. I’m tired of trying to think of who I might go out with from the ward. I’m so tired and feeling down that last night I set up a profile on a single’s site…oh pathetic right? I’m afraid that all I’m going to find is the exact same thing happening here, in the tangible world. The only guys showing interest are the ones I have no interest in. Maybe my standards are too high, but I just can’t bring myself to date Mr. Collins. Elizabeth Bennett didn’t have to, granted hers was the most unrealistic of all the matches in Jane Austin’s works. Marrying a good looking rich guy even though she has nothing monetary to offer, just her strong will and opinions (which are usually bigotry).
I was looking on my Facebook profile and I don’t know when it happened but suddenly there is a whole section on there with a “would you date me” thing and a desirability percentage and what-not. 9 people clicked “yes” that they would date me, my question…where the hell are they? I’m just tired of not feeling good enough and people telling me things but no one showing me I’m worth it to them. Screw the world.