Chapter 106: Dysfunction, unction, what's your function?

I think it would be safe to classify my family as moderately to semi-severe dysfunctional. Thorn (I have mentioned her before she is my mom’s baby sister who is quickly approaching 50 if she is not already there) has decided to take up residence at my parent’s house. Did she ask if she could move in? No. On occasion in the past she has spent the night, but that was not offered out of hospitality I can assure you, it was for other reasons, either it was easier on my parents or they planned to use her to baby sit her very own children. She was brought over two weeks ago when the kids were going to have day off from school and she’s got a bum foot right now so who knows if she is working, so my parents were going to use her for the day to watch them. She has been at their house ever since, slowly bringing in more and more of her stuff. Yesterday my uncle, who I do not speak to because he pisses me off, brought over her car that he bought for her. Granted it’s from the 1970’s and looks like that’s the last time anyone took car of it, but still. He bought her a freaking car but he can’t help my mom out with the day care bills? Thorn can’t even drive!! Not just because of her broken foot but because she doesn’t have a flipping license! She supposed to get it back (after having one too many DUIs on her license and losing it for almost 10 years now…or has it really already been 10 years) next week. Great! Then she can move out of my parent’s house! She sits around on her butt all day long, she eats their food (in an most unattractive fashion) and sits on their couch watching television for the 8 to 12 hours that she’s actually awake. Not only this but she encourages her spawn to join her. I can’t even stand to be in the same room as her, the very sight of her repulses me and I can’t believe that she is a blood relative of mine. If this weren’t enough she’s a hoverer, not only that but she’s usually got food in her mouth as though her heart would stop beating if she wasn’t constantly eating. I believe I’ve spoken before of the way that she eats. She doesn’t know how to close her mouth and if she does there is heavy breathing involved as though chewing were a workout. When her mouth is open there is this horrible sound, the only way I can think to describe it is to say that if I wanted to hear that sound I would unplug my ears when my dog is licking himself. I know that it is a horrible image, but it’s so dead on that it’s even worse. That is how it sounds. I find myself closing my eyes a whole lot more when she is over there and I try to imagine my happy place. A life with just my immediate family and how happy we would be, my parent’s would be working on retirement
And it just makes me so freaking angry that her brothers do nothing to help alleviate this! If Uncle Piss Ant is so willing to help her out why doesn’t Thorn go live with him? His house is big enough, his wallet large enough, and as far as I can tell he’s right on track to retirement, he and his fourth wife, or is it the fifth now. They all just love Thorn, well that’s probably because she’s never invaded their home, never eating their food with her fingers when utensils are set before her, they’ve never tried to raise her children and then have her come in and after 9 years decide that she’ll give it a try at disciplining them. Last night Burrito and I were having a bit of an argument and Thorn comes over siding with me. That’s when I abandoned the argument; does she think I want her on my side? I’d rather lose the argument with a 7 year old then have her backing me.
On top of having Thorn as a veritable thorn in my side I have to deal with Ms. Never Happy, my sister-in-law. A couple of weeks ago my dad’s company had two very big contracts fall through, because of this they had to let some people go. My dad had explained to my brother that he may have to let him go but he was going to see what he could do. On a Monday afternoon my brother was laid off from his job, this was very hard for my dad, it would be for any dad. Ms. Never Happy was e-mailing my sister back and forth all day and ended up taking a half day because she was so upset about it. My brother had Tuesday off and then returned to work on Wednesday. Now I’m not saying she didn’t have a right to be upset, that’s normal behavior for someone who’s husband just got laid off. However it’s the fact how she can’t let things go. My brother got a day off, he got his job back whereas every other person who was laid off on that Monday did not. She should be grateful that he’s the son of one of the partners and was able to be rehired so quickly. I’m certain that my dad can’t afford to keep him on, but he’s going to manage it somehow. He has bent over backwards to get my brother’s job back and Ms. Never Happy can’t let the damn thing go! Last night was the first time they had come over in a long time, I’d say in about a month. I had a meeting at church so I didn’t get there until they were almost done eating and the dining room was packed with all four kids at the table, Thorn, my sister and her husband, my brother and Ms. Never Happy and my parent’s, not to mention Uncle Piss Ant and his wife were there too. Now, I’m inclined to like Uncle Piss Ant’s new wife, but I can’t really get to know her without having to deal with Uncle Piss Ant. My sister grabbed me a plate and I ate standing up in the kitchen, I wasn’t about to subject myself to the madness in the dining room. I finally entered the room when the children went to go scream, I mean, play in the family room and Thorn and Uncle Piss Ant and his wife were outside looking at the car and my sister, her husband, and my mom were in the office looking at houses. I got up to get a drink of water and as I was coming back into the dining room Ms. Never Happy starts with, “So Dad, tell me what happened with this Lay off since Mr. Never Happy won’t ask.” Well Ms. Never Happy congratulations, you have done several things there in one statement, first you have ventured to alienate my brother from my father, second you have overstepped your bounds considering that the lay off is work related and should have nothing to do with Sunday dinner (would she get the chance to ask any other boss if it wasn’t her husband’s father? Survey says— ‘hello no!’), thirdly you have put down you husband as a coward who can’t speak up for himself, and finally, you have irrevocably pissed me off. I quickly changed my direction and immediately went to complain to my sister about it, telling her that Ms. Never Happy has just brought up the lay off with Dad. My sister then gets upset because Ms. Never Happy had even asked her if she thought she should say something to Dad and my sister told her that it wasn’t her place. Then I go to try and rescue my dad and Ms. Never Happy is asking, “well what about the future?” Ms. Never Happy may think that she can walk all over the men in this family but my dad handled himself very well. She got the business Dad because that’s what she was asking for. He explained how the business works, how construction isn’t always a stable career. I think he did a very good job, and I commend him for not taking the way out that I provided and for letting Ms. Never Happy understand what’s really going on, not that it will help her attitude, she’ll still complain about it for years to come because that’s the type of person she is.
So did I ever write about how she called and complained about the cake because it was uneven? Well, she did, her daughter’s birthday cake was uneven but that didn’t stop them from devouring it all in one sitting! It was just for the family anyway, she had another cake because birthdays in that family are the most amazing event to ever grace planet earth so therefore should be celebrated as such (did I mention their children also get half birthdays?) I suppose the reason it bothers me so much is that it was the store that I worked at. All these people know me, the reason I found out about her calling in to complain about the cake was because Ada Gigglesworth works customer service and she asked me once when I was in there if my sister got her money back for the cake. I was thinking of my actual sister and wondering when she complained about a cake and then it hit me…Ms. Never Happy. I quickly explained that she was not my biological sister; she was most certainly my sister-in-law and was of no blood relation to me. It was embarrassing for me, I have within my familial structure a complainer, and not just a complainer but one of those that eats the entire thing and then complains about it…well if it upset you so much why did you shove the whole freaking thing down your throat!? I was writing to my sister this morning and I told her that I felt like next time we are all at dinner I should say, “Ms. Never Happy, tell me about this cake, since I know the store doesn’t have the back bone to ask you why you ate the whole and then complained.”
Then today she e-mails my sister saying how she thought it was really nice how they all crammed in at the dining room table so that the kids didn’t have to eat by themselves because she, “wasn’t going to say this but her princess pants daughter doesn’t like the kids table.” Tough shit, kids tables are designed to keep the sanity of the adults intact. I e-mailed my sister back and said that if they want to have the kids with them that’s fine, I’ll eat in the kitchen, because I’ve never said this before but I really don’t like eating at the same table with Ms. Never Happy. AGH!! This family irritates me so much! The thing that makes it worse is that I know I’m on the same page with my parents about them and yet my parents feel some strange duty to put up with them. Them being Ms. Never Happy and Thorn. I don’t feel an ounce of loyalty to either of these. Ms. Never Happy is the one who drives my brother to sit desperately waiting for new episodes of Frank TV to come on the internet, so while he waits he watches the same ones over and over and then I have to hear about them and frankly yesterday I wasn’t in the mood to be polite about it, but I still tried. I’m just sick and tired of hearing how funny this guy his and about his impersonations of Al Gore, I’ve heard that one a million times, I’ve even seen it! AGH! For the second and third time, AGH! I hate some of the extensions of this family!!