Chapter 97: 20 minutes left

I felt it necessary to pull out an old habit of being micromanaged. My last job I had to account for every minute of the day. This resulted in me working more than 40 hours a week out of guilt, but only getting paid for 40 hours. I would divide my time up into training, administrative work, working in the store, travel…and I think that’s it. Now that I am a 9-5 girl (well, an 8:30 to 5 with an hour break girl) my hours are set, but my responsibilities are not. I get paid to sit here, I get paid the same when I’m doing stuff, and I still get paid when there is down time. It’s what I thought I wanted, wait a second; I’ve talked about that before. I’m beginning to wonder, more like hope, that other people may feel the same way. That want something, they get it and they find they want more. Oh you know what? It’s probably that grass is greener thing. Anyway, so for your understanding of my job I have divided up today in increments and pretty much started at 8:00 AM and went through until now (almost 4:30 PM) this includes my hour break.
.5 hrs Settling in for the day
1.25 hrs Meeting
1.5 hrs E-mailing, blogging, visiting coworkers
.25 hrs Learning about Mistake #1
1 hrs Dwelling on Mistake #1
2 hrs Waiting for boss lady to open door (and surfing the web, etc.)
.5 hrs Working
.25 hrs Correcting mistake #2
.25 hrs playing sudoku
.15 hrs making soap bubbles in the bathroom (seriously, I needed it)
.10hrs Working
.5hrs Writing this, contemplating life, waiting for the door to open, thinking about the last .5hrs of work, wondering if I should start looking for another job.
TOTAL HOURS: 8

Right now I am waiting yet again for the door to open and I’m wondering if I should go visit my friend in the mailroom. It’s looking good, but I almost just want to sit here and not talk to anyone. It’s been a really rough day for me.
I suppose I had a misunderstanding about new jobs. I believe someone once told me that if you can hack it for the first three months then you’ll be fine. Well, I really liked the first three months, so am I somehow backwards from the rest of the world? Here I am finishing up my fourth month with this company and it’s the worst one yet. Maybe it’s because I believe myself to be off of the learning curve so therefore every mistake is just an idiot moment that leaves me looking incompetent, and maybe that’s what I am. As much as I didn’t like training at least I got better at it, not worse like I do here at this job.
I think it’s best if I don’t leave too much personal stuff around my workstation, that way when they can me they won’t have to put so much into the box to send to me.
Whelp, better knock off another .25 hours, spent doubting myself.

Chapter 96: Quarter Century is Harder Than It Looks

I made a mistake. It was a while ago, about a month now. I don’t know if it can really be construed as a mistake since I didn’t know that I had made it, I thought I was doing the job right. I had to get a form from an employee and then delete one of her dependants. At the time it didn’t cross my mind that I had to give the form to my boss, and it also didn’t occur to me, though in retrospect it should have, that I should inform the payroll person, who in fact is not the same as it was a month ago.
I feel horrible about this mistake and I know that my boss is upset with me. I just spent my lunch hour developing an ulcer. I know that I probably shouldn’t be as paranoid as I am, but I can’t help it, after seeing how quickly Grouchy was out of here, how can I not be paranoid? I just feel like I make a lot of mistakes in this job, and considering how little work I actually do it just seems to be magnified. Then I come back to work from lunch and I sit at my desk, with absolutely nothing to do and my boss not yet back. Even when she does come back I’ll be too afraid to approach her. Added to that I’ve been super sensitive lately…I mean, I understand that all of what I’ve already said can be lumped in with my over sensitivity.
I miss Ducky…sorry I figured that I’d just throw in other things that I’m upset about. I got the first disc of the seventh season of Gilmore Girls and have slowly been watching it and I’m disappointed, I don’t like it as much as I remember liking it, but I’ll keep watching because I have to know how the show ends. I have cramps; I couldn’t find my keys this morning and today is one of those days when I hate my job. It’s just one of those days when I’m just sitting here, except that today is worse because I’m sitting here waiting for my manager to call me in and have a chat about our communication. Maybe this isn’t the kind of job for me; maybe this isn’t something I’m going to be good at because I really feel like I haven’t done a whole lot right. I wouldn’t want to go back to training, but I don’t know if this is what I’m supposed to be doing. I do like the perks to the job, I like the people, I love the hours, but maybe that’s not what life is all about.
Last night when I was driving to the grocery store a thought came to me, I thought about what it is that I really enjoy doing, and that would be writing. I may not be good at it, but I enjoy it. I mean, I’m always writing at work, almost on a daily basis I’m coming up with more B.S. to put up on my blog, or to hopefully one day publish as a book. So last night I thought to myself that a long time ago I should have changed my major to Journalism. I had thought about doing it once, and then thought about getting a Master’s degree in it, but I didn’t, and I don’t know why I didn’t, I just know I didn’t. So maybe it’s time to look at that as an option again. Maybe take a few journalism courses
Sometimes I wish I could do life over, knowing what I know now. For example, I wouldn’t have continued to pursue a degree in Sociology, knowing that it would have led to 4 and half months as a cashier 13 months as a trainer and 4 months as a Labrador retriever. Maybe I would have been more willing to stick it out as an education major, or maybe I would have gone into accounting. If I could go all the way back to the beginning I think I would have tried to have a dream of becoming something, because when I think about it I didn’t really have anything to begin with. I was doomed from the start. You know what else I would do? I would have eaten my vegetables, brushed my teeth like my mom told me to, and I wouldn’t have wasted so much money on things that didn’t matter.
The whole concept doesn’t seem so odd to me, when I was younger I had a very Twilight Zone brain. I imagined that we were all just babies, sound asleep and each night we would dream our lives through all the way to death, and when we died we actually woke up to be babies again, I can’t remember if I thought we would have a recollection of our dreams, but I just kept waiting to wake up some morning, as a baby, and that everything about my life had just been a dream. Odd thought I know, but this is how my brain worked. Part of me kind of wishes it were true.

Chapter 95: Where do we go from here?

So Renaissance Man (or D&D as I now refer to him in real life) called last night. I had been debating whether or not I was obligated to call him back since the last time we spoke. I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t calling because he plays Dungeons and Dragons, though some of it stems from that, but I really just don’t like the phone, and I was busy. I’m busy a lot, and maybe the girls from work are right, maybe if I wanted to I could make time, but apparently, I don’t want to. I intend to call him back, and I actually intend to go on another date with him, at least one more. People have no problem getting a second date with me; it’s the third that’s the mountain. But I figure, what’s the harm in matching my dating average from last year within the first two months? I don’t see a problem with it, and in the end maybe it will help me to be better at this whole dating thing. This is me being positive believe it or not, it feels funny, almost wrong.

Chapter 94:

I slept in today until 7:40, I was amazingly still able to get to work on time, and apparently, from my looks no one can tell that I’d rather be in bed. I think that if the post office is closed that we should be closed too, but whatever. I was going to just call in sick today, but then I remembered we have an interview this afternoon, and in fact, this week is the busiest this month…calendar wise, but it all happens in the afternoon…maybe I could take some half days. Meanwhile I sit here at my desk, e-mailing and trying to wake my brain up so I can write a half decent blog. Don’t know if it’s going to work, but here it goes.
Last night I was talking to Ducky and I can’t really remember the order to the things we talked about but we rehashed the fact/opinion that I am too funny. Apparently, I’m too funny for my own good, which sucks because humor is so many things to me: my defense mechanism, my flirting style, and pretty much whatever else you need to exist as a human being…because really, how much more is there beyond defense mechanisms and flirting styles? I have resolved before that I would be more serious and I failed miserably, so I will not resolve this time to be serious. I just have to figure out how to be less funny…any suggestions on how to do it? It’s like a quote I once read, “You can pretend to be serious but you can’t pretend to be witty.” Or something like that. Goodness, I’m bored and my eyes sting.
So this past Saturday my sister, Ducky, and I went to the movies with Sister-in-law and her friend. I got the divine privilege of driving my sister, Sister-In-Law and friend, and Ducky met us at the theater. On the drive there, or was it on the drive home I can’t recall, Sister-In-Law starts talking about her oldest daughter, Princess Buttercup (because she thinks she’s a princess and acts just like one and because she wanted and got the Buttercup horse from Target, what a waste of $300-$400). Princess Buttercup apparently is not well liked by the teacher, I can’t imagine why. Last week PB finished her snack and saw that this other kid in the class had a little extra because his mom always packs more than he needs anyway, so PB walks over and takes it. Sister-In-Law did not come right out and say it immediately, she left out that small detail, leading us to believe that the kid shared it with her but the teacher got upset nonetheless. I however was not fooled and could picture the whole thing playing out in my head, PB saw the food, wanted it, and so therefore took it. Sister-In-Law tried to act as though the little brat hadn’t done anything but when my sister said something about the teacher’s reaction being off over two kids sharing the truth finally came out, “Well, apparently there wasn’t sharing involved exactly.” PB had some other run-ins with authority but I can’t quite recall them at the moment. It just bothers me that everyone sees that her daughter is a brat except for her. I was talking to my sister about it later because no one in the car mentioned that PB was clearly in the wrong and I asked my sister if I was the only one bothered by it. She said that she was too, and I told her that it should come as a surprised to Sister-In-Law because PB saw what she wanted and took it, because that’s the way she is currently being raised. If you want something, you get it. PB has never had to learn that she can’t have everything. We are talking about the same little girl who’s birthday is on December 1st, so you would think that if she didn’t get what she wanted for her birthday that she would get it for Christmas instead, but no, her mother takes a drive to the toy store to ensure that her little girl got everything that she wanted. This is a true story; I couldn’t make up this kind of idiocy if I wanted to.
Speaking of family members that I can’t stand, Thorn called on Saturday professing that she was sick, after describing her symptoms I told her she probably had the flu, bad idea, Thorn takes an excuse for any kind of laziness and runs with it. Since today is a holiday and there is no school Thorn is babysitting her own children, odd concept I know, a mother taking care of her own children. So she was supposed to go to my parent’s house Sunday night to spend the night so that my parent’s didn’t have to go out of their way to drop the little children off anywhere and for that matter, pick them up at the end of the day. Thorn, by the way, doesn’t seem to have any permanence in her life whatsoever, and this includes living quarters. Thorn bounces from friend’s home to friend’s home but never has any place to call her home. We waited Sunday to hear from her, but there was nothing, no phone call or anything. I came to find out this morning that she finally called at 9 o’clock at night informing my mom that she had, “just woken up,” which, unfortunately for Thorn, could be 100% true, but since she’s lied so much in the past any words that come out of her mouth are directly transferred to the B.S. department. So she asked if my mom could pick her up in the morning so she could watch the kids. Then she called this morning and asked if my mom could drop the children off at her friend’s sister’s house, which is who knows where. Thorn is so considerate of people who have full time jobs in which they need to arrive on time to. I felt like telling my mom that she should drop off the kids and never return for them. Go back maybe once, and that’s to take a box, one each, for their most important belongings and some clothes. Thorn is 40-some years old, I think it’s about time that she grew up and started to take care of her children. There are plenty of single moms out there, I don’t know why Thorn thinks that she is more special than any one of them. They do what they have to so that they can provide a decent life for their children, and what does Thorn do? She sits on her ass when she comes to visit and thinks because she cuddles with her sociopathic son once a week that she fulfilling her duty. Oh, and lest we forget, she buys them junk from the thrift store rather than helping to pay for daycare, or clothing, or food. I did mention that at Christmas she bought Burrito a game boy didn’t I? He lost it the same day and has never said anything else about it. What a waste of money, he could have had a new pair of shoes, or a jacket, or an hour at daycare instead. Sometimes I would just like to cut certain people out.

Chapter 93: Mutiny

So, I’m pretty sure that today is Grouchy’s last day at work, but the thing is—she doesn’t know that, and I can’t say anything to her about it. Confidentially can be a witch. I was told earlier this week and along with it I was told not to say anything to her about it. I’m trying to make myself feel better by reassuring myself that the temp agency she works through is already looking for somewhere else for her, but you know, that doesn’t guarantee that Monday morning she’ll have a place to go work. She won’t even find out while she’s at work, the temp agency is supposed to call her tonight and inform her that she will not be returning. It just doesn’t seem right; she should know that she won’t be coming back. I should be allowed to say ‘goodbye’. I know that Grouchy and I aren’t best friends, but I’ve grown to like her. She messes up on a lot of things, she gets confused about a lot of things but she’s trying hard and she’s still nice to me. Earlier this week I was learning payroll stuff (this was before I knew she’d be gone by the end of the week though it should have been a clue) and I used her pencil to write something down and mentioned how I liked that pencil; I’m not a pencil fan, they make me gag but this one wrote smoothly and virtually gag-less. This morning (her last day) she brought in the same kind of pencil for me. She came over and handed it to me and for a moment I thought maybe she thought I had left one at her desk, but then she said that she remembered that I liked that pencil so she brought me one of hers from home. I thought that was really nice of her, she didn’t have to do that. I wish I could do something for her last day, but to do anything out of the ordinary would be a dead giveaway that I know what’s going to happen. I’d much rather just play dumb and pretend that boss lady never told me anything.
To top it all off Grouchy is sick, she had to leave early yesterday and Boss Lady had me follow her home in my car just to make sure she made it alright. She (Grouchy) went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and got some medication and is back. Boss Lady had taken her keys from her yesterday “just in case we need to get into the files” that are in Grouchy’s work station. I can’t help but think that Boss Lady didn’t expect Grouchy to come in today and her leaving early yesterday was a perfect opportunity for her to seize the keys without making it too obvious that Grouchy wouldn’t be coming back. I don’t know how she’ll handle it this afternoon that would be interesting to see. While Grouchy was gone yesterday they brought in another girl from the temp agency to interview. She seemed okay, but I didn’t really get to talk to her or see her much. I heard them laughing in that little conference room so she must be funny, or Boss Lady and Accounting Lady must just crack each other up.
It just doesn’t seem right the way that people treat temps.

Chapter 92: The more you know the less you don't know.

In college I had a roommate who wouldn’t put up with a lot. I don’t know if her courage came from being the only girl in a family with 6 kids or if it was some innate behavior that she had where she wouldn’t put up with crap. I wish I were like her. I remember once that she told me how her boyfriend called “just to talk” and she said, “So, you don’t have anything you need to talk about?” and he said, “No,” and she said, “Then call me when you do,” and hung up. Why can’t I be like that?
I absolutely hate the phone, I think I was phoned out in middle school and the beginning of high school when my best friend at the time would call and talk for hours. For some reason it was as though she always had to be connected with someone. Well, if you’re always connected with someone when do you have time to be by yourself and to develop some depth of character so that when you are talking to people you actually prove to be somewhat interesting? Sorry, small vent there.
Well Renaissance Man is kind of like phone-a-holic best friend in high school. He called me Sunday, he called me Monday, I never returned the calls so I felt bad and told him in an e-mail that I would call him Tuesday. I did, he had to call me back later to which he did but I missed it. He left a voicemail telling me to call him when I got the message, well, I was about to eat dinner so I decided to do that instead. Food is much more important that Renaissance Man. While eating dinner he called back! Who does that? It hadn’t even been a half and hour since he left the message. So I picked up and then he really had no reason in talking to me and I remembered my college roommate and really wanted to tell him to call me when he had something he needed to talk about, I don’t just shoot the breeze over the phone, especially when my dinner is getting cold and nasty on the table. Not to mention I was at Ducky’s house too. So 45 minutes later I finally get the nerve to tell him that I have to go, my friend is getting bored. Of course, I didn’t get to hang up before finding out that he plays Dungeons and Dragons.
Now, I have tried to be open minded, I’ve tried not to be a cynic. I let the fact that he was an avid Renaissance attendee slide, but can I really let something like Dungeons and Dragons slide? I was thinking about it last night and darn it if I don’t always get what I want! A couple of months ago I said I wanted a boy to be interested, and here comes along Mr. Collins. Then I’m sure that not too many blogs ago I said I wanted a knight in shining armor, which I’m sure Renaissance Man has donned that outfit more than once in his life. I really should be more specific. But it’s like I said before, I figure out what I want and when I get it I realize that there is more that I want.
I have to admit something here because it goes along with my train of thought even if it’s not easily followed. I’m sure you’ve already figured it out but I hate the relationship between my oldest brother and his wife. Every fear I have of getting married and having children is magnified whenever I have to spend time with them. My sister-in-law, the domineering wife and inactive mother, “Honey, do this, do that, I know that you work six days a week but why couldn’t you put those boxes in the garage when you got home late from work last night?” (Why can’t she put them in herself? How helpless/lazy is she?) My brother who watches the same four episodes of the same TV show over and over on the internet because to him it is the funniest thing in the world but part of me can’t help but think that it’s his only escape from his family. I guess what I am trying to say is, I try not to give too much thought to people who I feel I would become my sister-in-law with. Does that make sense? I don’t want that kind of relationship where the woman got married, but only uses her husband, who is more than willing to be stepped all over, and to me, people with oddities such as D&D are people who are willing to be stepped all over by a woman, not just me, but any woman really.
Really when it comes down to it I am a flat rock, somewhat unevenly balanced on a ledge, and each of these peculiarities was/is a small pebble in the favor of staying on the ledge and staving off falling. I feel that I can say I gave it a try and not feel bad. I mean, I’ll probably go on one more date with him anyway, but then after that I’ll have to politely inform him that I don’t feel the way that he feels about this situation, he could in the end turn out to be a great friend, but for the sake of time I think it’s best to inform him that despite what he thinks or what impression I may give off, I’m not what he’s looking for.

Chapter 91: Sorting Things Out

I blame the fact that I attract weirdos on my high school employment; if they hadn’t done such a good job in training me in the ways of customer service I wouldn’t be skilled in the art of ingratiating people. When I speak to people, correction, when I speak to people I don’t know well I have the nasty habit of agreeing with them, and making them feel comfortable. So even if I do not think a particular behavior is acceptable, or a certain statement is funny, I go along with it and make them feel okay for doing such a stupid thing. But you see, this works with customers, you see them for 5 to 10 minutes max, even if they come in all the time and are “regulars” it’s not like you are going on a date with them, or hanging out with them on the weekends. People you meet outside of work need a different type of behavior from you. I can’t be customer service with people who are not customers. People who want to date you or want to be your friend need to have the real you, not the customer service you. The only problem is, I have trouble figuring out who the real me is…customer service mode is so engrained in me that I have trouble shaking it off. I’m trying to think of how I acted around my close friends when I first met them, did I suck up to them, try to make them feel less stupid if they did something idiotic? The other night when I had an hour and half conversation with Renaissance Man I was in customer service mode, maybe that’s why when I told people how long the conversation was they got excited and saw it as a good sign and I felt it physically and emotionally draining.

Chapter 90: If only boys were like Dells

I wish I could say that I didn’t know what I wanted out of life anymore, but in order to be able to say that I would have had to have an idea of what I wanted in the first place. Sometimes I wish that life were a little easier, you take a quiz online and based on your answers this is what you want. Here’s where you should live, and here’s the type of job that is perfect for you, what really makes you happy are hot fudge sundaes and camping. It could even tell from your answers what you’re looking for in a companion, what will really grab your attention will be his eyes and his smile, no matter how much you want to believe that you aren’t shallow. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to do any of the work! But really, I can’t figure out what I want and I don’t know how to make myself figure it out. I honestly wonder sometimes if I am a person devoid of any and all romantic inclination towards people. My current “crush” is someone I am perfectly content to see once every three months. I don’t really have a desire to find “the one” even though I don’t believe in just one person. I am beginning to wonder if my education screwed me up. I know the things I should be looking for, the things that are actually attainable. I know that there’s no love at first sight, only lust at first sight, I’ve been made aware of the fact that soul mates (on a romantic level) do not exist. I also know that not everyone is born with the right to meet someone that they will love in this lifetime. Yet, even with all of this knowledge in which I have a bachelor’s degree to prove I earned it, I still find myself waiting for some freaking knight in shining armor. I think I know what I want and then I meet it and it falls short; I suddenly realize something else I wanted. Well, I got the sense of humor but where’s the attraction? If only you could make your own boyfriend, go online to www.boyfriends4ever.com and buy the basic model, pay a little extra here and there for specifics and upgrades. You want him to have dark hair? That’ll be another $3. You want him to be funny, sensitive when needed but able to build a log cabin? That’s going to cost you another $72 but if you order now we’ll knock it down to $49.99. I think I’m too picky, but I don’t know if I can break myself of what I’m expecting to get. But really, I’m not expecting to get anything.
We already know how much I hate dating, well, maybe deep down it comes from an idea that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When I think marriage I think of a stuffy Saturday morning when you come down the stairs to waffles being made (therefore the sink is full of dishes and batter is drying on the counter), you walk past boxes of junk and have to clear off a space on the kitchen table to eat. You grab a late shower so you already feel like half the day is wasted and then you spend the next 5 hours trying to clean the house until dinner time, it might be spring or fall so the windows might be open, and I hear a football game a little too loudly in the background. Marriage is a towel that dried on the clothesline for too long, it’s hard and difficult to bend not to mention scratchy and has the faint smell of grass and stale air. For those of you who happen to like clothes dried on the clothesline perhaps you never found earwigs in your laundry, but also, perhaps the idea of marriage is appealing to you. As for me, I like to use the drier, I also despise Saturday mornings. Pretty much I’m screwed.
I hate to make everything seem to revolve around the romantic, I apologize. The reason I started to write had nothing to do with that at first. But in a way, everything is intertwined. I think the thing I hate about the weather right now is that it feels like spring, and to me, spring means change. I always get antsy in the spring, it’s always the time for change, nearing the end of a school year, and it’s a hard habit to break. Things are supposed to end shortly after spring time and then wait a season and suddenly there are new beginnings. I like spring, I don’t want you to get me wrong, I really like change too, I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to discover things you didn’t know were there before. The problem though, is that it’s not spring, and there is no change coming my way. It’s kind of sad, when you hope that it’s coming and then you realize it won’t.
I like my job most of the time, but lately I hate it, I started crying on the way to work today, I don’t recall if that has ever happened to me before. Then my boss finally gave me something to do, retrieve a medical file from the filing cabinet and I hadn’t realized that I was a secretary until that moment. I wasn’t put on this earth to be a secretary. I know that I’m not, I’m given a vast deal more responsibility, but I suppose it’s the slow season right now, so for the slow season I retrieve files like a dog.

Chapter 89: Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them.

So I called Renaissance Man last night to set up our date. I hate talking on the phone, I hate even more that I am calling to set up a time, that is all, and then it turns into an hour and half conversation involving cruddy Lifetime movie scripts (one concerning killer ladybugs) and the effect of light rays on sound waves. Finally we got to talking about when to go out. He first asked me if I was free on Sunday and I told him I didn’t really like to do things on Sunday so that wasn’t going to work. Then he asked me about Friday so Friday it is. We’re going to go get dinner and then go see a movie. I asked him if he wanted to meet at the restaurant and he said he could just pick me up. He asked round about where I live and it turns out we live about 5 or 6 blocks apart, really not that far. I don’t know how I feel about that, I really don’t know how I feel about him knowing where I live. He’s a nice guy; don’t get me wrong, but the less he knows— the better. It wasn’t until after the conversation was over and I admitted to myself that we had talked for an hour and a half, that I realized that was probably a stupid move on my part, I should have nipped that conversation in the bud a long time ago. An hour and half conversation leaves at least one member of the interchange with the crazy idea that the other is interested. I could kick myself for the way I am with people I’m not interested in, I can’t understand for the life of me why I can’t act that way around people that I am interested in. Why do I have to be such an idiot around the people that I want to like me and I can be so sweet and articulate around the people that I wish would bugger off? I have trouble even making eye contact with someone that I want to look at, but I can have staring contest with everyone else.
Why is it that I hate dating so much? Sometimes I feel that I would much rather just spend my life alone. I’ve made it 25 years without decent romantic companionship, the next 25 years couldn’t be any harder, and let’s be honest, I doubt I’ll live past 60 so I think I can make it through. It’s really not a long amount of time in the great, grand scheme of things.
I think that I just need to get away for a little while, a sabbatical of sorts. I haven’t left Richmond since about June, I’m long overdue to get away and forget about this place for a while. Now I just need to find a convenient weekend to do so.

Chapter 88: GIve me a Noble Mission!

I think one of my problems with dating is that I don’t see much potential in the date itself. Whereas an optimist might assume that maybe something will become of it, I already know that nothing will. This is a recent development, I used to be a dating optimist, it is just within the past year or so where I have gone into a date already knowing that it’s not going to work out. Then of course it doesn’t and I wonder if it is just because I have a sense about these things or if it is because I make it happen. It’s difficult to say and honestly, I don’t get asked out enough to really be able to do a scientific study. I’ve been asked out; if I’m lucky we’ll get this thing over with this weekend. I should start at the beginning; about a month ago my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her, my dad, and my sister. I agreed and we went as a little happy family to the movies. While we were waiting for the movie to start my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Shorty, came into the theater, I was the one who noticed her right away and brought her arrival to the attention of my sister. She had a guy with her whom I erroneously assumed was her boyfriend. The four of us joked briefly back before the movie began, but as soon as it did we all stopped talking. After the movie my sister, Shorty, her friend, and I stood outside the theater talking while my parent’s caught up with a couple they’ve known for at least all of my life. I felt like it was no more than 20 minutes. Then we left. A couple of weeks later I got a friend request on Myspace. It was this guy that had been at the movies with Shorty. I wasn’t 100% sure it was him so I delayed accepting his friend request until I could ask my sister. Some time passed before I saw my sister again and I completely forgot about it. Then he sent me a message this past weekend, explaining who he was. I added him and wrote him back apologizing for not adding him sooner. Then I asked how he was. The next day I got an e-mail from my sister informing me that the guy who went to the movies with Shorty thought I was ‘hot’ and sent me a friend request. I already knew about the friend request and wondered how far behind my sister was. So it didn’t come as too much of a surprise when that evening the guy wrote back telling me how life was going for him and at the end he asked me if I would like to go out some time, “maybe have some dinner, hang out”. I don’t think that I have actually been asked out, with the words “go out” in…mentally calculating the years that have passed by since a guy got the nerve to ask me out semi-properly…well, I’ve decided if I can’t count it on one hand then I shouldn’t bother. I know, Mr. Collins asked me out, but when he did so it was the, “hey maybe we should hang out sometime.” This guy actually said, and I quote, “I was wondering if you’d like to perhaps go out some time.” Do you see the difference too or is it only me? Anyway, I’ve digressed. So I sat there trying to figure out what to say. I should give him at least one date, it’s the least I could do for his attempt, but there’s a little part of me who doesn’t want to have to go through another Mr. Collins situation. I’m trying to convince myself that this will be different since I never see this guy in my day to day life, or my weekend life either. So if it’s weird and doesn’t work out, then it’s completely over, no strings, no awkward run-ins. But you see, as I have said earlier, it’s not going to work out, I’ve already either made up my mind or seen the future and I know it won’t work out. I think the biggest problem is I have failed to see it from the other person’s perspective, they are still the optimist, they are the vested ones. They didn’t ask me out because they felt duty bound, they asked me out because they wanted to, I was the one who agreed feeling duty bound. They think that maybe it might work out. That’s the nightmare of the whole thing, for I already know that it’s not going to happen and suddenly it is dawning on me that when they ask you out in their heart of hearts they hope something comes of it. They may change their mind half way through the date but at the moment they have asked you out that’s what they are thinking. Why else would they ask you out? Granted I have asked guys out before not expecting anything to happen, but I’ll admit most of the times that I have built up the courage it was because I liked the person. I can’t imagine doing it otherwise. Except for my moment of desperation a few months ago when I didn’t want to chance dying and Mr. Collins being the last date I went on. Before that it was because we were doing some group thing and I needed a date, other than that, it was due to interest in the person.
But even with people that I like I’ve already decided that it won’t work out for some reason or another. TDH is a prime example, I’m madly infatuated with him but I already know it will never work out. We could be friends, we can flirt with each other, but as far as any kind of romantic relationship it’s not going to happen. He enjoys drinking, he likes to kick back on Sunday with a beer and watch some football, he’s a filthier potty mouth than I am and we just view the world in a different way. I don’t know if I can explain it or not, but it’s something I know deep down, it’s something I know won’t change.
I also know I have commitment issues that I need to work on because if I can’t get over them I will sabotage every opportunity that comes my way. The trouble is I have to learn to tell the difference between self sabotage and just truly knowing it won’t work out. I tried to experiment on this one with Mr. Collins, I thought maybe that I was making it worse than it was, I thought maybe if I gave him a chance that I might find that he didn’t creep me out quite so much. Of course I was wrong, but am I proving my point? I don’t know, I’m just thinking aloud because I’ve got so much time to kill.

Chapter 87: None of this multiplicity stuff

As usual I am left in my cubicle with absolutely nothing to do but find my own ways to entertain myself. Luckily for me I found my USB (whatever it's called) drive and have been looking through it. Turns out I had saved a lot of old writing projects on there, stuff from college that had been on my computer, but in an effort to make my computer run faster (or an attempt to make room for more junk) I had added it to the USB drive. I'm glad I did, for my home computer isn't working and I need some old ideas to help jog my brain. It has been sitting here wasting away for the past two hours while I wait for my boss to call, telling me she finally has something for me to do. As of right now her door is closed, which I take as meaning I can do whatever I want because I can't be wasting time when my company is already doing it for me. I found an old project that I started writing when Sweet Pea and I were roommates, I know this because there is a dedication at the beginning of the project and it is to her, which as I read it I remembered how she made me dedicate it to her. So to make sure I didn't forget should I ever actually finish the project and get it in print I did it right there in the word document. I have to admit and I don't want to sound prideful, but it's some pretty good stuff if I don't say so myself. I think I'm much better at prose than poetry. When I read my old poetry I can't help but think what a drama queen I was, maybe it was normal for a teenage girl to think it was the end of the world when her best friend kissed her "boyfriend" behind her back (I put boyfriend in quotation marks because really, who knows what he was to me at the time). Either way, he was hands off but she went for it. Stupid poems to remind you of how you poetically (or should I say pathetically?) announced to your friend that it would never be the same from that point on.Anyway, so I was reading the stuff I had written and it's funny because I feel as though I took all of my personalities, gave them names, and made them a group of friends. Of course when I say "personalities" I am not admitting to suffering from multiple personality disorder, but there are several sides to every person, I believe that everyone is just as complex as I am, though I have run into some pretty shallow individuals who are exactly the same in no matter what the setting, some people would like to say that these individuals are just sure of who they are, I like to say they have never bothered trying to find out. Those of us who have gone on the quest to find ourselves are aware that along the way you realize that there are many deep and complex parts to you, each part working alongside (maybe not always together) to develop who you really are. For example, there is a side to me that knows what's really best for me, that's a realist and is completely grounded. However, there is also the side of me who day dreams and is very romantic and has her head in the clouds. If I didn't have both sides I would be horribly doomed to one fate or the other, bruised heals and blisters or suffering the consequences of breathing air that is too thin. There are five characters so far in this story and out of five I see myself in four of them, but I see different sides of myself in them. It makes for very entertaining reading, at least for me, I never get to see all four of them interact except for on paper. I repeat however, I do not suffer from multiple personality disorder.

Chapter 86: Night at the Roxbury

Saturday afternoon I saw TDH for the first time in 98 days. I hadn’t been keeping track, but since I last saw him September 29th I decided it wouldn’t be difficult to calculate the amount of time that has passed. Besides, I miss feeling like a stalker. He started to talk to me about the marketing internship he’ll be starting next week. I hadn’t realized that he hadn’t started it yet. Then he started to tell me about some training program for managers and so I asked a question about it, thinking I understood what he was saying and he tried to reword what it was and then I just gave up and pretended that I totally understood what he was talking about. It was good to see him again, I wasn’t going to go say anything to him, try to play it cool, come in to do some shopping and not noticed the hot guy in the black polo and khakis. But on my way out I decided to kick him in the back of the knee and pretend I didn’t do it. I think I chose the right course of action. As he was talking I just had to wonder how he got so good looking. I just don’t think it’s right that one person can be that good looking. Okay, enough of that.
Saturday was also the same day as my work holiday party. I’m fully aware that it’s a bit late for a holiday party, and I feel certain I have already explained why. I had to be at the Jefferson an hour early to set up since I am in Human Resources. I got to place the name tents down and then stand at a table handing out nametags to associates and their guests. I had no idea who most of the people were but took a small amount of pride in the number of people I did know. Then it was time for dinner, where Bubbles and I were pretty much released from our responsibility. I got to sit at a table with all of Bubbles’ friends, a Christmas present from Boss Lady. While we were waiting for dinner to be served one of her friends asked me if I had a boyfriend. I shook my head and said, ‘no’ and then she asked if I wanted a boyfriend, to which I paused, how do you answer that question? Yes, I would like one, but I have learned since ’07 to not just say, “I want a boyfriend” but to be more specific, “I want Orlando Bloom to be my boyfriend”. Plus, it always depends on why the person is asking as to whether or not you do want one. So I finally just nodded my head and then she said that she was going to set me up with her brother. The more that she drank the more she said it too. I have decided from my dinner experience at the Jefferson that I do not have the taste buds for fine dining. Give me steak and fries and a snicker doodle for dessert and I’d be perfectly content. Instead I got lobster bisque, which I tried to inform the waitress who was setting it before me that I was not interested, but she may have been zoning out, I couldn’t even bear the smell of it (of course I was feeling sick already that night). Then came the salad, I’m not a fan of salad anyway, but since I had refused the soup I picked at the salad, putting ranch dressing on one side and creamy Italian on the other since I couldn’t decide which one I would like best, it’s ranch by the way. The best parts about the salads were the rolls. Then came the main dish, I had order filet mignon because I had been informed that it was a type of steak. When it came in front of me it look descent enough and I wondered how I was going to cut it with a butter knife, but I surprisingly could, then I was even more surprised that I was able to cut raw meat so effortlessly. The outside of the filet mignon was browned, but the rest was completely raw. I felt a little better when the woman across the table from me said, “It’s still mooing!” I supposing I was inexperienced with fancy food just continued to cut and bear it. I didn’t finish however and I told Bubbles that if I wasn’t at work on Monday it was because I got e-coli. I did however try some asparagus which I have never eaten unless when I was a baby was spoon feed it in some puree form. So for the evening I had tried two things I didn’t normally eat, salad and asparagus. Oh yeah, and I also tried the “stuffing” like ball that was sitting next to the filet mignon to which I about lost everything I had eating. It was disgusting. My career as a food critique is out the door, I can’t do it. I wasn’t disappointed in dessert because I already knew I wasn’t going to like it, key lime pie and some kind of death by chocolate. If I still ate chocolate I would have been all over it, but the key lime pie wouldn’t have been touched either way. Finally dinner was over and I could relax. I hate having food at social events. It’s all right to have appetizers or buffet style, situations where you can get away with barely eating, or not eating at all. Optional eating as I like to call it. I also found out during dinner that I was the youngest one at the table and then next youngest person graduated college when I graduated high school.
I didn’t think I would stay long after the eating stopped and the drinking began, but I ended up staying the entire time. Seeing people from work completely wasted really helps you to feel more comfortable around them at work. You’ve seen them in a vulnerable situation, so how can you feel intimidated by them now? The girl who kept trying to set me up with her brother went to hit on a guy at work who has a crush on her, even though she’s married and he had a date. She was bet to do it by Bubbles and some others, they wanted to see him blush and fall all over himself. She won $35 and dinner at a really nice restaurant. However, she also got felt up by the guy’s date, who in conversation just reached over and squeezed her right breast! She more than earned her money’s worth. Later she also got dragged on to the dance floor by said date, which made her even more uncomfortable. My other work friend got hit on by a girl from work; I prefer to just think that she was just an overly friendly drunk. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure I was the only one (aside from the pregnant lady who sat two seats over from me at dinner) that didn’t have anything to drink. It’s interesting to watch drunken people, but there comes a point when you feel like you are babysitting. A lot of the guys at work had just grown really friendly towards me, some of them I rarely ever talked to were coming up and giving me hugs, one guy in particular kept hugging me and asking me why I was so tall, then he would check (every time) to see if I had heels on (which I did not) I just kept telling him that it was just the way I was. I ended up having a good time but there were certain times when I was just embarrassed. Such as the time when two girls started to take off their underwear in the lobby and then stopped when people started to bring attention to it, then one of the women with me started yelling at them to take it off again. After the party ended we went to the hotel bar to continue hanging out, as we were sitting there the woman who wants to set me up with her brother leaned over to the girl next to her and told her for the umpteenth time that she was going to set me up with her brother, to which she looked over at me and I just gave her a thumb’s up. I worry about making drunk people angry. Then she asked me if I liked rednecks, staying on my course of not making her angry I did a so-so hand gesture. She didn’t see it and she asked again, to which I did the same thing. Someone else’s husband translated it for her and said that I didn’t, to which I got a dirty look. But then she asked me if I knew what something was (I can’t remember what she said) and I told her I hadn’t a clue and she said, “Yeah, you’re not redneck,” as though I had been masquerading as one for quite some time. Then everyone got me to say, “Get ‘er done” as one long word. Not long after that one of the women’s husbands started to “dance” with me, I don’t dance, and I don’t dance that way…with anyone. It made me really uncomfortable. My headache that I had earlier in the evening started to get worse and after the dancing fiasco I decided that was my out and said ‘goodbye’ to everyone. I left through one door and got to wave goodbye once more as I passed the windows of the bar on the way to the main door. Everyone kind of cheered in unison like they thought I was lost but suddenly they had found me. It was weird. I felt completely sick and on the way home I kept getting nauseous and my eyelids felt heavy. I got home, took off my dress and lay in my bed. Then I remembered that my dog was still in his kennel so I put on my PJs and went to let him out. I started to fall asleep and someone decided to leave the house, throwing my dog into a frenzy of barking and scratching the door. I finally got him to stop and slept through the rest of the night, finally waking up some time Sunday morning. So, I did have fun, but I’m not sure if I can handle this from year to year, and how many years are we talking about here anyway?

Chapter 85: Goodbye Kelly Kapur

I have been at work for about 2 and half hours now and have been unable to get a hold of my boss who is only about 12 feet away from me. Every time I go to her office she is gone, I hear her talking to someone, wait for that person to move on and then head over to see her and she has disappeared yet again! She’s like Houdini! I’m just tired today and if I’m intended to sit around doing nothing I’d much rather go home and take a nap. Instead I’m online taking IQ tests. Unfortunately I have come to find out that I am smarter than a fifth grader but not a sixth grader and it really insults me, but on another IQ test I was considered “bright”. I just don’t get it.
Well, 2008 is here and I survived bringing in the New Year. It was really depressing for me, and I’m still recovering from it. I decided this year that I wasn’t really going to celebrate New Year’s, I’ve never enjoyed this “holiday” anyway, and what are we celebrating exactly? Another wasted year? Another chance to make resolutions that we know we won’t keep? Oh, wait, we’re celebrating a new beginning, just like I’ve done for the past 20 or so years. New beginning, okay then, I can do this. I suppose my first resolution would be to have a more positive outlook on life. Then there’s this list in no particular order:
Pay off debt and save $3,000
Lose weight in ‘08
Decide what I want to do with my life
Make and Keep a budget
New Year’s Eve my plans were to stay at home, watch a movie, and scrapbook 2007 since I haven’t touched any of that year. The Sunday right before New Year’s Eve a girl at church kept trying to convince me that I needed to get out of the house for New Year’s Eve, that maybe I should go to Carytown to ring it in. I told her that being at home this year by myself was not something I was stuck doing; it was something I wanted to do. I wasn’t in the mood to show New Year’s Eve that it was anything special. The day of New Year’s Eve I received a call from Navy Seal Ken informing me that my sister and my nephews were sick and he was wondering if I could come and hang out with them for the night. I didn’t mind this; these are my favorite nephews and the sister I get along with the most, so I agreed to go over there. My parents came over there for a while too, because the way that Navy Seal Ken put how sick she was my parents believed that she was dying, I got a little half worried too. I was late getting over there and for a second thought how horrible I would feel if she slipped away while I was dilly dallying around. My brother-in-law had said that she wanted to see her parents and that she knew that they couldn’t both come at the same time because of the kids, but she really wanted to see at least one of them. Add that statement behind a, “she’s feeling pretty bad from yesterday, the peanuts are still working a number on her.” My sister’s stomach has a low tolerance for peanuts, but her mouth just can’t say ‘no’ to them and she got a lot for Christmas. Therefore the evening before she had spent a lot of time curled up like a ball on the living room floor on the verge of tears. So when I relayed the phone conversation to my mom she said, “I don’t like how that’s worded, it makes it seem like she knows something I don’t.” So of course my mom got on her cell phone, called my dad, and they went over to see her right away.
As it turns out my sister didn’t even know that Navy Seal Ken had called me, moreover aside from a lack of appetite she was fine. My nephews were sick, but you couldn’t convince them of that, running around and playing. We ordered a pizza which my sister wasn’t sure if her stomach could handle, but as always she muscled her way through it. She’s such a trooper. This reminds me of another resolution, “Eat less pizza”. After the second time that my dad fell asleep on the floor we finally sent my parent’s home, my dad would much rather fall asleep on his own couch than his daughter’s in-law’s carpet. When Navy Seal Ken got home from his brother’s house he and I went head to head in old school Mario Carts. I have to say I like the Game Cube version better than the Super Nintendo version. Not just for the graphics but I think there have been some serious improvements made to the game.
Around 10:30 G.I. Joe came home, that’s right, he’s in his 30’s, lives with his parent’s and after that evening, no longer employed. He was working seasonally at a wine and beer shop. At this point my nephew and I were playing a game on the computer and he came in and gave my nephew a kiss on the forehead. Then he asked me if I wanted a kiss on the head…how do you respond to that without being rude? “Uh, no.” Nope, that won’t cut it. “Don’t touch me.” Well that was worse than the first. So I just laughed and said ‘sure’, if anything I was getting a New Year’s Eve kiss. So he leaned in, kissed me on the top of the head and I told him I would sleep better tonight because of it. Then he said he would see me tomorrow at my parent’s house, which made me wonder if my parent’s were doing something they forgot to tell me about.
I didn’t stay until midnight, my eyes wouldn’t let me, so I said goodbye to my sister, Navy Seal Ken, and my nephews and then I was home by 11. I changed my clothes, put in a movie, and fell asleep before 11:30. That’s my New Year’s Eve. I hope it helps you realize that maybe your lives aren’t so bad.
New Year’s Day I went over to my parent’s house to see what was going on, as it turns out, nothing was. Navy Seal Ken and my sister arrived around lunch time and left their children in the care of my parent’s and invited me to go “hang out” with them. Apparently one of their resolutions though is to not spend any money. So “hanging out” consisted of walking around the mall like penniless teenagers and “window shopping”, which, by the way, I’m a firm believer that the only kind of shopping you ought to do should actually involve spending money. In the course of this little trip I became annoyed with Navy Seal Ken, mostly because I was getting the vibe that he was annoyed with me. I have a faulty defense mechanism; I mirror the attitude that I think someone else is having towards me. But lately he keeps trying to tell me what to do with my life, and no offense, but I already have a father. When he first started doing it I didn’t mind and I didn’t care, mostly because part of me thought he was right, however, when advice is given the giver should realize that people have the right to take it or not to take it, just because you said it doesn’t mean that person is bound by some law to take it. I am choosing for the time being not to take his advice. I know he is well intentioned, but I still have the right to make the final decision.
We finally get back to the house and I come to find out that the family is having BBQ for dinner, which I hate. For those who don’t like BBQ my mom has made pork chops, which I despise, so I tell her I’m not hungry and skip dinner altogether. Luckily I really wasn’t that hungry. After dinner G.I. Joe shows up. So he, my sister, Navy Seal Ken, and I sit around the kitchen table talking. When he finally went to leave he gave me a hug, I hugged back but I made sure to do the friendship pat, I think you know what I’m talking about.
Why is it that my outlook for 2008 doesn’t look so good to me? I suppose by expecting the worse I am doing one of two things, I am beginning a self fulfilling prophesy, or I am allowing myself much room for surprise in the New Year. I wish I wasn’t in such a foul mood today.