Chapter 74: Rage-oholics Anonymous

Last night, scratch that, yesterday was difficult for me. Sometimes I’m unsure of what is wrong with me, but I think it all boils down to being a girl. I knew the day would be rough in the early hours while I was getting ready for work. Now, I must have blocked exactly what happened from my memory because the only thing I really remember is thinking, ‘if it’s already happening the whole day will be effected’, what exactly ‘it’ is I’m unsure.
At work I had to schedule a bunch of interviews, about 8 or 9 of them, and the schedule kept getting thrown out of whack. A project that I thought would take half an hour to an hour went from 8:30 to 12:15. The afternoon went much better but I was still happy for the day to be over. When I got home I went to talk to Diva for awhile. Diva, Ducky, and I were going to carpool to our sports night activity. I would say at the last minute, but it wasn’t the last minute, Diva bailed. I was on the phone with Ducky at the time and complained about how I was surrounded by flakes. Ducky and I set up a time to met so we could still carpool and then I went to talk to Diva some more. While we were sitting there MM came upstairs to tell Diva that Jellybean wanted the two of them to sing in her wedding (Jellybean is getting married by the way in case I never mentioned that). MM went downstairs to grab the tape player and bring up the music so that Diva and she could “listen” to it. When she was gone I looked at Diva and almost asked if she was sure that she didn’t want to come, but I didn’t say anything.
I went to Ducky’s place and I was running a little late. When I pulled into the parking lot I couldn’t see Ducky’s car and I half wondered if she wasn’t even there. So I pulled up to my usual parking spot (the curb because parking at Ducky’s is dismal) and I whipped out my cell phone to give her a ring. She didn’t pick up. A momentary splash of Rage-ohol to my face. I sat there contemplating what to do, I was already late so if I waited too long we would both be late to the activity, and we had the keys and has to set up for it. So I finally decided to call again. This time she picked up and I asked her where she was and she said she was at home but had moved her car so I could park in her spot. I told her I had found one and was waiting. We hung up but I think we forgot the important part of establishing whether or not I was coming in or she was coming out. I had backed up my car to be in front of her door and I was waiting for her to come out and I could have sworn (at the time) that she said she’d be right out. I waited a little bit longer and still no sign that she was coming out. So I called her again, turns out she thought I was coming in and that I had just had to park really far away. At which point I doubted myself, maybe I had said that I was going to come in. But we finally were both in the car and headed out. Then we had to drive down my most despised road in Richmond, Virginia to get there. As an afterthought I remembered a different way I could have taken to get there. I got stuck behind this white van and it was ticking me off, Ducky said something about how it probably wasn’t trying to bother me but I pointed out that after he had switched lanes right as I was about to he continued to not pass the car that he had been behind. Why switch lanes if you don’t pass or make a turn off the road? If you’re going to stay on the cars bumper you might as well do it from behind not from the side. I have horrible road rage once a month.
I was still a bit peeved about the amalgamation of small stresses throughout the day when we finally got to the church building. I had already decided that I was going to be mad if no one showed up (which by the way is no way to go through life, making predictions that could very well come through has never brought me an ounce of happiness, but it does save me from hurting too much when the disappoint rolls in). What a surprise then when no one did show up! It was just Ducky and I. We started to shoot some hoops and then Ducky says that we need to discuss Ireland. See, many moons ago, Ducky and I had decided to go to Ireland because we were both tired of being people who will say that we will do something and then end up not doing it. The moment that she said that we needed to discuss it I said, “It’s not going to happen, I know.” She asked how I knew and I said, “Because I know people”. I didn’t mean it to be a personal attack, it was simply a statement. I think that there is something that is encoded on every person’s DNA that makes us susceptible to flakiness, just like with addictions or cancer, some people are more likely to have problems with it then others, but in the end we could all easily have problems with it some are just worse off from the get-go. Is this making sense? Ducky went to play the piano not long after I said that, and part of me worries that I did offend her, it was not my intention, however by filter burst and I haven’t been able to control too much lately. So much so that I didn’t issue an apology to her for it.
While I was alone in the gym I took the opportunity to think, which is probably something I shouldn’t do. I wasn’t upset about not going to Ireland; I really did already figure out that it wasn’t going to happen. I think I knew back in September anyway, it’s why I didn’t really tell that many people. Most of the people who knew were told by my mom which is why I don’t really tell her things. Oh, I just had an epiphany; MM will some day have daughters who won’t tell her anything that they don’t want the whole ward to know. I am of course in no way comparing my mom to MM; my mom is way more entertaining. Focus. I wasn’t upset about Diva not coming to the activity, or no one for that matter. I wasn’t really upset at anything, though I felt I had to be angry at something. So I just played a little harder at basketball and forgot to think about anything except how much I such at playing.
When Ducky came back in we were talking about a series of books we had read which lead to a slight conversation about Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie, it’s a classic, if you haven’t seen it you should) then we ended up talking about TDH for some reason, I can’t remember why, but knowing me I probably brought it up. I think I have explained how seeing him is my incentive for losing weight, but I have been emotionally eating lately that I’ll be lucky if I maintain my watermelon shape (right now it’s one watermelon, it could easily turn into two at the rate I’m going). It’s been three weeks now since I last saw him. I told Ducky that it was never going to happen, I’ll never see him again, and when I said the words I really believed them, if I stuck to the course I was on I never would see him again, and then I told her that it is probably for the best. I will never be with him, and wanting to be with him hurts so much (when I let myself think about it), so I should just get over it. Why would he ever be interested in me?
On the drive home I drove too fast and was a little too quite. I didn’t mean to be, but when I get into certain moods it’s hard for me to pull out of them. Instead of going straight to Ducky’s house I stopped by Wal-Mart, not my usual favorite place to go, but the one by her house isn’t so bad. Unfortunately my reason for going was bad, I was stocking up to emotionally eat. Before we even got anywhere I saw a movie that someone had misplaced and I picked it up, it’s a movie that highly disturbed me but I liked so I kept it and intended to buy it, hoping it had come from the $5 bin. I grabbed a bag of chips and a cake mix (which I had no intention of eating at the time, I just like to have cake mixes around for a rainy day). Then Ducky asked if we could go by and look at the movies even though I had mine picked out. So we looked around and she picked up one of those two in one deals and then we went to the $5 bin. Big mistake. So we were digging through and I found three other movies I wanted, one of which happened to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was elated; we had just been talking about it, so I took it as a sign that I had to own it. Ducky was upset and asked me to help her find a copy. We were digging through again and I told her that it was unlikely that we would be able to find one in the huge bin, then, just as I had given up I pulled up a movie and it happened to be another copy! So I handed it to her and we merrily skipped back towards the registers. We stopped by the candy aisle though because even though I had four new movies I needed some white chocolate. Then we went to the registers and I mentioned the fact that I was buying 4 movies. Ducky said that she thought we each should just get three and I thought she was trying to get me to choose one to put back because she had her three movies in her hand. I told her ‘no’ four good selections that stumbled upon by chance? I wasn’t going to take the risk of never seeing them in the $5 bin again, I did that before and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Okay maybe not the biggest.
We go through the checkout and got back to Ducky’s apartment, we watch the best television show ever and afterwards we start talking about something. She said something , I honestly can’t remember, but I think it was an attack and I reminded her that I found her a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She shoots back, “yeah but you kept it for yourself!” I was dumbfounded, two copies, I had found two copies, one for myself and the other for her. I told her to look at her movies that she bought at the store. She picked them up and looked at the covers and was more then a little embarrassed. She’s done this once before, she may or may not have a brain tumor, but I told her that was my gig so she’ll have to get over it and come up with some other ailment.
As I was leaving Ducky’s I mentioned to her to try and get her ticket for this haunt thing we planned to go to Friday night. I have a ticket that was meant for Ducky but out of pride she will not accept it, (however, though I say ‘out of pride’ which may have negative connotations attached but not by me), I back her up 100%. She told me she would call in the morning and again the little negative aspect of my personality already knows it’s sold out and she won’t be coming and it will just be me and this dreary individual who purchased the tickets. Still there is still an ounce of hope that she’ll get one, otherwise I wouldn’t have reminded her. I finally leave Ducky’s to go home only to find that once I get there my house key is no longer on my key chain. Diva was home and luckily I had my phone so I called her but she didn’t pick up. I left a voicemail message that may or may not have come across the wrong way, I was mad at myself for having lost my keys and I was worried that my tone in the voicemail may have come across as me being mad at her, which I am not. Luckily most of my anger is really just at myself. I knocked on the door but felt like I was waking up the whole neighborhood so I sat on the porch, wondering if I had the patience to wait for MM or Jelly Bean to get home. I decided that I did not and I called Diva again. She picked up and sounded slightly confused (come to find out she hadn’t heard the voicemail yet so that would explain it) She hadn’t been near her phone the first time I called. She let me in, I let my dog out, and then I vented.
After venting MM and Jellybean came home, needless to say I was still pretty peeved about my evening and recent venting session with Diva. Jellybean asked me if I wanted my clothes from the dryer, so I came and got those and then I asked MM how Frisbee was because she had gotten a group together to play Frisbee rather then coming to the activity. She said it was good and asked how the activity went, I said it didn’t. I may or may not have snapped at her and said things that this morning I regretted. She will be issued an apology by post, mostly because I think it would be nice to get a letter in the mail that isn’t a bill. Speaking of which I need to write that. Oh and did I mention that I got an e-mail from my brother and I went over my texts...again.
After all of this I get online and I talk to Eeyore (as much talking as can be expected when engaged in a conversation with him). I wrote him first this time because on Facebook he was leaving all the Richmond groups, he had changed his network, and his status said that he was sad. I asked him if he was moving. He said he didn’t know and I told him he sure made it look like he knew. Then I asked him to not take offense but asked him if he needed help. I really do think we are dealing with a severely depressed individual here. He said ‘no thanks’ and I just mentioned that I wasn’t talking about with moving. I even offered to put him on my dating list if that would make him happy. I do worry about him, but also Eeyore is a strange kind of contagion. His mood can greatly affect yours if you’re not careful. You hate him (not him but what he does) sometimes and you just want to cut him off, but then you can’t help but feel the pull on your heart strings. He’s like a little child in some ways, a depressed little child who needs someone to take care of him and since most women have that innate maternal instinct I think I’m safe to say that I’m not the only person who feels this need to help him.
Oh by the way, I kept meaning to call Bachelor #1 and see if he still wanted to go out this weekend and kept letting other things get in the way. So instead of calling him super late last night I e-mailed him, intending to call him tomorrow but just letting him know I haven’t forgotten. I wrote that if he was still interested in going out this weekend that Saturday would be best and that we could either go bowling or to the batting cages. He wrote back almost instantly and told me where so batting cages were that we could go to, which I’m figuring means that Saturday is good and that’s what we’ll be doing. Then he wrote back again asking if I had asked because of his status. So I had to check his status on Facebook which said that he was wondering where the girl for him was. I didn’t really know how to take that so I wrote him back and said, “oh, I hadn’t seen your status, funny how the timing worked out on that.” Not really sure what my answer means either. This is the problem with me, I don’t know what people mean, not even myself. Then I ask if 6 or 7 works on Saturday and asked if I should pick him up (since I asked him out I fully intend to be in charge of this date though I do happen to give him a lot of options). He said I could pick him up if that’s what I wanted to do but either way was fine and that 7 worked better. Then he e-mailed me again later and said, “I have to ask, why me?” to which my initial reaction was, ‘why do you have to make it sound like I’m torturing you?’ I finally decided to tell him that I didn’t know him very well and I was being more proactive about my life and decided to get to know him better, though I took more time and thought into exactly how to say it so trust me when I say it sounded more put together when I sent it to him. The moment I hit the sent button I thought of a better response. I should have just said, “Why not you?” But I am the queen of afterthought lately. Regardless I get this reply back, and I am going to just paste it verbatim, “Ok. I should have asked you out earlier. I guess I hoped that always showing you I realize you are around when I Tell You "HI" you would say something or ask me out. I'm a loser.”
I didn’t know how to react to that. Yes, he is a loser for not asking me out sooner, but that’s a natural byproduct of procrastination. However, part of me knows that if he had asked me he wouldn’t stand much of a chance. I had to be the one to ask him in this situation. And what does he mean by, ‘I guess I hoped that always showing you I realize you are around”, like I’m some troubled teen who acts out because my parent’s treat me like I’m invisible, "I see you Annie!" (sorry movie qoute). Yet at the same time that I am so cynical I actually kind of think it’s sweet. I wrote back and told him he wasn’t a loser (I figured leaving someone hanging on an ending note like that wouldn’t be a polite thing to do) and then I mentioned that I just don’t noticed things very well but it must have worked because I asked him out. Seriously whatever he did had to work because when I first thought up my list of bachelors he was the first to come to mind. Strange how all the guys lately seem to have their magical powers out, the power of suggestion with Bachelor #1 and the hypnosis that got me to go out with Mr. Collins last week. Very interesting. All I can say is that Bachelor #1 is lucky I got proactive or we may never be going on a date
In the meantime it is supposed to rain today but I have no clue if it is or not. I wish I had a window.