Chapter 70: Easter Grass and Mac Trucks

I finally e-mailed Twitch. He was the last one on my list from the old job and I just happened to get bored enough to do it. Now I realize that the previous sentence makes it sound like I didn’t want to e-mail him. I loved working with Twitch, but I felt a little weird e-mailing him because I didn’t feel like we were that close and also he’s married, I have a thing about married guys, I try not to have too many conversations with them. It’s an old habit from back in the day when I worked at a catering service and a married man there kept trying to have too many private conversations with me. When he started to ask how long it had been since I had really been kissed I decided then and there that if at all possible I would avoid these situations altogether. So you can understand a little more now why Twitch was at the end of it. However, it didn’t stop me from calling his voicemail and leaving blank messages. He is the prankster of the team and deserved to have some pulled. I don’t know if I ever wrote in here my last prank on him as a member of the JSD Team. I took an envelope, shoved it full of Easter grass and put a note in the middle so that he’d have to pull it out and possibly get Easter grass all over (yes, I just happened to have a lot of Easter grass lying around when I was sending out my store mail). He got it last week and today when he e-mailed me back told me that it was “on par”. He is like my evil prank master and I love getting compliments on the magnitude of my work. I guess in a way I’m a little prank Igor and Twitch is Dr. Frankenstein (or Dr. Prankenstein…ha-ha, man I’m lame). Twitch told me that he sent the envelope with the Easter grass to TDH and put in a new note that told him that it was his turn. Why did that job get so fun right before I left? Twitch also mentioned that he got a blank voicemail the other day and figured it had something to do with me. Then he told me how he is going to lay off for a while, lull everyone into a false sense of security and then his time will come. He is totally Dr. Prankenstein.
So I e-mailed Twitch back, telling him that I was glad my envelope of Easter grass was making the rounds. I also told him that he should dare TDH to send it to Red. Then I informed him that when his prank hiatus was over I would be more than willing to help him if he needed assistance. I offered to send him my resume and my list of qualifications as well as a few references if he needed them. I actually could scrounge up some references if Twitch asked me to provide them. I do love pranks, I don’t care if they are cross-company pranks, I mean, who am I going to pull them on here? I don’t know anyone well enough…yet.
Aside from that today was probably the most boring day ever, and remember it has last Monday to compete with, but at least last Monday I killed some time walking around being introduced to people and taking a long lunch, I didn’t have that today. I have had a headache since about 11:30 this morning.
I went to FHE tonight. They were going ot be telling ghost stories…how could I resist? I picked up Ducky and when we first got to the church we sat in the car because there were only 5 people out in the parking lot. Then new roommate, who still doesn’t have a name yet, (I’m befuddled) came and got in the car and we were sitting there talking while the group gathered in the parking lot. Then Ducky told me to “become part of the car” I think that’s how she worded it and deep in the pit of my stomach I knew that Mr. Collins had arrived, not the first one to arrive…learning M.S.T.(Mormon Standard Time) I see. My car was on, but the lights were off thank goodness, so when his back was turned I slid the car into reverse and backed up a space behind a truck. Very simple procedure and no one noticed. Then when everyone had finally gone inside I scooted back up to my original spot.
We sat talking until Diva showed up and then we tried to sneak into the activity, which by the way, we walked in at 7:30 or later I’m not sure and they were still going over announcements. The darn activity is supposed to begin at 7…am I wrong? This is just like ward stare my last year at school, and we know what happened to my attendance with that (and in case we don’t know I stopped going because it aggravated me). Anyway, it was a little hard to sneak in since the door squeaked when I opened it. I avoided eye contact with every one, I didn’t want to take the chance of accidentally making eye contact with Mr. Collins and that giving him the impression that it was okay to speak to me (didn’t matter in the end anyway). I sit down and luckily for me the activity required the lights to be out so it made me feel like I wasn’t in a room full of people. More importantly I didn’t feel like I was in a room with Mr. Collins. Then after the activity for some reason Mr. Collins made us all be his “audience” for a magic show, of which never happened because of mechanical malfunction and then everyone got up to leave but Mr. Collins caught me at the end of my line. He shook my hand and said that he hadn’t seen me in forever. I told him that I was being anti-social lately. He asked why and I told him I had family in town. Just trying to keep it short. Then he throws out of nowhere, “what are you doing on Friday?” and I honestly went brain dead and couldn’t answer. This is when I get made at myself. I hate the fact that I can’t come up with an excuse quickly enough, I hate that I feel bad if I make up some excuse. I really hate that he doesn’t pick up on the fact that I don’t want to go anywhere with him. Does he really believe that it was an accident that we didn’t ride together to the party? I freaking ran away from home! A girl my age running away from home is a horrible sign. Then he called this past Thursday, did I ever call back!? No! That’s a huge sign! That’s a “Leave me the Freak Alone” sign, in neon lights down a dark alley.
Anyway, long stupid story short I am going to “hang out” at stupid Maymont Park. The last time I was at Maymont Park G.I. Joe was trying to seduce me. I’m going to have very bad feelings towards that park. I did get out of put-put though. I hate put-put; I loathe, detest, and despise it. Almost as much as I loathe, detest, and despise bowling. I actually like bowling, and put-put with the right group of people can be fun, but on a date with someone I don’t have any interest in it’s my own personal hell. I almost wished he would just say, “Let’s go see a movie”. I could do that, I like movies and it would give me a chance not to have to talk to him and maybe even see a good movie while I’m at it. Hey my first date ever was to a movie and it’s was a darn good one…the guy however was a flop.
I just hate my life. Did I mention I got a speeding ticket yesterday? No? Well, it was my sign that this week would be the pits. Then I get asked out. To make matters worse Ducky asked me what our game plan was so I wouldn’t run again. I’m the runaway date; I don’t know how I like my eggs so I run away!! But wait...I know how I like my eggs, scrambled and cooked until they are mostly golden brown, oh that’s right, I just don’t attract normal people and I’m a freaking wimp. I told Diva, New Roommate, and Ducky that my solution to the whole ordeal was a hot bath and a razor blade…or maybe a Mac truck if I’m lucky.
At this point I really do wish a Mac truck would wipe me out.