Chapter 107: So I'm teaching on Sunday about Enduring it Well.

I’m tired of being snubbed by guys for little 18 year olds. I have come to realize that maybe I am too old and too quiet for the guys around here. They obviously want someone under 20 who yells everything they are saying. While we’re at it, let me throw in that I am too smart. I got snubbed last night by Coz, it’s not a big deal to me in the sense that I’m not interested in him, but even without interest, that was rude.
The boys had a basketball game last night, I went along with Newbie and of course MM was there, first game she’s shown up to, don’t you worry, she took the extra hour to beautify for the boys. I don’t get her. So after the game I was talking to Agent L, Newbie, and another friend and Coz was on the other side of Newbie so I leaned over and touched his arm to get his attention and told him that he had a nice shot (he did make a good one, surprised a lot of us), I had my hand out to shake it and he looked right at me, then turned to keep talking to the Dentals and the most idiotic 18 year old (she could be 19 or worse 20) I have ever met. Seriously I had five minutes of conversation with her and wondered if she were for real. If you’ve seen the movie Fool’s Gold, then you can compare this girl to the daughter of the rich guy in that movie. I wanted to turn to her at some point and say, “Do you really not know the answer to that?” just like Kate Hudson’s character did. Oops, point being, that was rude! Newbie and New Friend were both complaining about it because they saw it. I was seriously wounded. I was snubbed by Coz for an airhead who’s not interested in him. It’s all these negatives in there. I tried to act like it didn’t hurt me that much and then continued talking to Agent L and the girls. Later Coz came up to try and talk to me and I got up and walked away, I told him that he insulted me and he did his usual ‘I’m innocent’ thing. He kept apologizing saying that he didn’t mean to and he didn’t even know I had my hand out and that I said anything, and he doesn’t know why he didn’t. I told him I had a feeling why (stupid, young bimbo). I’m not nothing, I don’t know why the guys around me treat me as though I am.
After the game Newbie, Friend and I were walking out to our cars and Mr. Bingly backs his car up and tries to roll down his window but is having problems so his roommate rolls down his and they tell us that they are going to Sonic and want us to come. These are three girls who have never been invited by this particular group of guy so like idiots we agree. Well, I let the other two decide saying that if they go I’ll go. But we don’t know where Sonic is so we are on the phone (because they didn’t know either they were following these two young girls who live on that side of town) so they had left us to follow them and then we called to find out where it was. We are on the way and we call and then they tell us that Sonic is closed. So they say they are going to go to WaWa instead, we are at one WaWa, we had already passed another. So Newbie gives details of which one we are at and they say they’ll meet us there. So we’re waiting and they call back to tell us it’s the other WaWa, the one down the street from the church, so we’ve driven all the way down this road to turn around and go back to where we started. I was frustrated (I’m overly sensitive lately) and said, “My bad, I didn’t realize that we were still in high school.” We finally get to the other WaWa and I couldn’t understand why we were even there. Everyone else had already bought a drink and they were standing there, with Bimbo yelling at everyone, “Oh my gosh this” and “oh my gosh that!” Touching and pushing people. I was getting a headache. Only one person (Mr. Bingly) even spoke to us while we were there. It was time to go and the only person who said goodbye…was Mr. Bingly. Why did we come along? I don’t know, but we wasted a good half hour trying to.
I think that a girl’s self esteem can only take so much. I’m sick and tired of not being asked out by a normal guy at church, I’m tired of Bachelor #1 saying he’d like to go out with me again but not thinking I’m worth the risk of actually asking (I’m glad he’s not asking, but it’s not enough to tell me you want to date me, you have to do it. That whole actions speak louder than words thing again). I’m tired of hoping that Agent L will realize that he wants to ask me out. I’m tired of trying to think of who I might go out with from the ward. I’m so tired and feeling down that last night I set up a profile on a single’s site…oh pathetic right? I’m afraid that all I’m going to find is the exact same thing happening here, in the tangible world. The only guys showing interest are the ones I have no interest in. Maybe my standards are too high, but I just can’t bring myself to date Mr. Collins. Elizabeth Bennett didn’t have to, granted hers was the most unrealistic of all the matches in Jane Austin’s works. Marrying a good looking rich guy even though she has nothing monetary to offer, just her strong will and opinions (which are usually bigotry).
I was looking on my Facebook profile and I don’t know when it happened but suddenly there is a whole section on there with a “would you date me” thing and a desirability percentage and what-not. 9 people clicked “yes” that they would date me, my question…where the hell are they? I’m just tired of not feeling good enough and people telling me things but no one showing me I’m worth it to them. Screw the world.

Chapter 106: Dysfunction, unction, what's your function?

I think it would be safe to classify my family as moderately to semi-severe dysfunctional. Thorn (I have mentioned her before she is my mom’s baby sister who is quickly approaching 50 if she is not already there) has decided to take up residence at my parent’s house. Did she ask if she could move in? No. On occasion in the past she has spent the night, but that was not offered out of hospitality I can assure you, it was for other reasons, either it was easier on my parents or they planned to use her to baby sit her very own children. She was brought over two weeks ago when the kids were going to have day off from school and she’s got a bum foot right now so who knows if she is working, so my parents were going to use her for the day to watch them. She has been at their house ever since, slowly bringing in more and more of her stuff. Yesterday my uncle, who I do not speak to because he pisses me off, brought over her car that he bought for her. Granted it’s from the 1970’s and looks like that’s the last time anyone took car of it, but still. He bought her a freaking car but he can’t help my mom out with the day care bills? Thorn can’t even drive!! Not just because of her broken foot but because she doesn’t have a flipping license! She supposed to get it back (after having one too many DUIs on her license and losing it for almost 10 years now…or has it really already been 10 years) next week. Great! Then she can move out of my parent’s house! She sits around on her butt all day long, she eats their food (in an most unattractive fashion) and sits on their couch watching television for the 8 to 12 hours that she’s actually awake. Not only this but she encourages her spawn to join her. I can’t even stand to be in the same room as her, the very sight of her repulses me and I can’t believe that she is a blood relative of mine. If this weren’t enough she’s a hoverer, not only that but she’s usually got food in her mouth as though her heart would stop beating if she wasn’t constantly eating. I believe I’ve spoken before of the way that she eats. She doesn’t know how to close her mouth and if she does there is heavy breathing involved as though chewing were a workout. When her mouth is open there is this horrible sound, the only way I can think to describe it is to say that if I wanted to hear that sound I would unplug my ears when my dog is licking himself. I know that it is a horrible image, but it’s so dead on that it’s even worse. That is how it sounds. I find myself closing my eyes a whole lot more when she is over there and I try to imagine my happy place. A life with just my immediate family and how happy we would be, my parent’s would be working on retirement
And it just makes me so freaking angry that her brothers do nothing to help alleviate this! If Uncle Piss Ant is so willing to help her out why doesn’t Thorn go live with him? His house is big enough, his wallet large enough, and as far as I can tell he’s right on track to retirement, he and his fourth wife, or is it the fifth now. They all just love Thorn, well that’s probably because she’s never invaded their home, never eating their food with her fingers when utensils are set before her, they’ve never tried to raise her children and then have her come in and after 9 years decide that she’ll give it a try at disciplining them. Last night Burrito and I were having a bit of an argument and Thorn comes over siding with me. That’s when I abandoned the argument; does she think I want her on my side? I’d rather lose the argument with a 7 year old then have her backing me.
On top of having Thorn as a veritable thorn in my side I have to deal with Ms. Never Happy, my sister-in-law. A couple of weeks ago my dad’s company had two very big contracts fall through, because of this they had to let some people go. My dad had explained to my brother that he may have to let him go but he was going to see what he could do. On a Monday afternoon my brother was laid off from his job, this was very hard for my dad, it would be for any dad. Ms. Never Happy was e-mailing my sister back and forth all day and ended up taking a half day because she was so upset about it. My brother had Tuesday off and then returned to work on Wednesday. Now I’m not saying she didn’t have a right to be upset, that’s normal behavior for someone who’s husband just got laid off. However it’s the fact how she can’t let things go. My brother got a day off, he got his job back whereas every other person who was laid off on that Monday did not. She should be grateful that he’s the son of one of the partners and was able to be rehired so quickly. I’m certain that my dad can’t afford to keep him on, but he’s going to manage it somehow. He has bent over backwards to get my brother’s job back and Ms. Never Happy can’t let the damn thing go! Last night was the first time they had come over in a long time, I’d say in about a month. I had a meeting at church so I didn’t get there until they were almost done eating and the dining room was packed with all four kids at the table, Thorn, my sister and her husband, my brother and Ms. Never Happy and my parent’s, not to mention Uncle Piss Ant and his wife were there too. Now, I’m inclined to like Uncle Piss Ant’s new wife, but I can’t really get to know her without having to deal with Uncle Piss Ant. My sister grabbed me a plate and I ate standing up in the kitchen, I wasn’t about to subject myself to the madness in the dining room. I finally entered the room when the children went to go scream, I mean, play in the family room and Thorn and Uncle Piss Ant and his wife were outside looking at the car and my sister, her husband, and my mom were in the office looking at houses. I got up to get a drink of water and as I was coming back into the dining room Ms. Never Happy starts with, “So Dad, tell me what happened with this Lay off since Mr. Never Happy won’t ask.” Well Ms. Never Happy congratulations, you have done several things there in one statement, first you have ventured to alienate my brother from my father, second you have overstepped your bounds considering that the lay off is work related and should have nothing to do with Sunday dinner (would she get the chance to ask any other boss if it wasn’t her husband’s father? Survey says— ‘hello no!’), thirdly you have put down you husband as a coward who can’t speak up for himself, and finally, you have irrevocably pissed me off. I quickly changed my direction and immediately went to complain to my sister about it, telling her that Ms. Never Happy has just brought up the lay off with Dad. My sister then gets upset because Ms. Never Happy had even asked her if she thought she should say something to Dad and my sister told her that it wasn’t her place. Then I go to try and rescue my dad and Ms. Never Happy is asking, “well what about the future?” Ms. Never Happy may think that she can walk all over the men in this family but my dad handled himself very well. She got the business Dad because that’s what she was asking for. He explained how the business works, how construction isn’t always a stable career. I think he did a very good job, and I commend him for not taking the way out that I provided and for letting Ms. Never Happy understand what’s really going on, not that it will help her attitude, she’ll still complain about it for years to come because that’s the type of person she is.
So did I ever write about how she called and complained about the cake because it was uneven? Well, she did, her daughter’s birthday cake was uneven but that didn’t stop them from devouring it all in one sitting! It was just for the family anyway, she had another cake because birthdays in that family are the most amazing event to ever grace planet earth so therefore should be celebrated as such (did I mention their children also get half birthdays?) I suppose the reason it bothers me so much is that it was the store that I worked at. All these people know me, the reason I found out about her calling in to complain about the cake was because Ada Gigglesworth works customer service and she asked me once when I was in there if my sister got her money back for the cake. I was thinking of my actual sister and wondering when she complained about a cake and then it hit me…Ms. Never Happy. I quickly explained that she was not my biological sister; she was most certainly my sister-in-law and was of no blood relation to me. It was embarrassing for me, I have within my familial structure a complainer, and not just a complainer but one of those that eats the entire thing and then complains about it…well if it upset you so much why did you shove the whole freaking thing down your throat!? I was writing to my sister this morning and I told her that I felt like next time we are all at dinner I should say, “Ms. Never Happy, tell me about this cake, since I know the store doesn’t have the back bone to ask you why you ate the whole and then complained.”
Then today she e-mails my sister saying how she thought it was really nice how they all crammed in at the dining room table so that the kids didn’t have to eat by themselves because she, “wasn’t going to say this but her princess pants daughter doesn’t like the kids table.” Tough shit, kids tables are designed to keep the sanity of the adults intact. I e-mailed my sister back and said that if they want to have the kids with them that’s fine, I’ll eat in the kitchen, because I’ve never said this before but I really don’t like eating at the same table with Ms. Never Happy. AGH!! This family irritates me so much! The thing that makes it worse is that I know I’m on the same page with my parents about them and yet my parents feel some strange duty to put up with them. Them being Ms. Never Happy and Thorn. I don’t feel an ounce of loyalty to either of these. Ms. Never Happy is the one who drives my brother to sit desperately waiting for new episodes of Frank TV to come on the internet, so while he waits he watches the same ones over and over and then I have to hear about them and frankly yesterday I wasn’t in the mood to be polite about it, but I still tried. I’m just sick and tired of hearing how funny this guy his and about his impersonations of Al Gore, I’ve heard that one a million times, I’ve even seen it! AGH! For the second and third time, AGH! I hate some of the extensions of this family!!

Chapter 105: If you cooperate things will go a whole lot more swifter - Jumper

So, third and final date last night with D&D. No, this doesn’t mean that I’ve grown a backbone and told him so, but I don’t intend to go out with him again. Details: D&D wanted to cook me dinner, I’m not sure why, maybe to show me that he is domesticated but honestly I could care less. So I drive over to his house and he had told me 6 o’clock, but the food wasn’t ready so while he beat mashed potatoes with a beater and had yet to turn on the grill I looked at pictures of sailboats on his wall. I was in an extremely mellow mood last night too which I thought would end this desire to ask me out, but apparently not. After every time we spoke I turned so he couldn’t see and made a face, conversation was excruciatingly painful. I offered to help but he said he had it, so I continued to walk around the house, pretending to be interested in the thrift store drawing of a lighthouse. Oddly enough if this guy weren’t interested in me I’d have him pegged as gay, granted, having interest in me is no guarantee that he’s not, but I should be so lucky.
Dinner was awkward, we’re used to eating where there are other people, and background music. It was so quiet I could hear him chew. We made small talk; he asked how my visit with my family was since I used them as an excuse to get out of the date on Saturday. He told me about this job he’s been trying to get and how it’s on hold right now. Then he finally says that he can turn on some music. Yes please! The first song on the selection was “99 Red Balloons” in original German. Then it was just more 80’s songs after that. I like the 80’s so I didn’t mind and it was nice to have music while we chewed. I felt like there was too much commonality happening, like it was forced. I happen to lose my keys often, well so does he! I like this movie, so does he! I know that it was probably just coincidence but I’ve been in this guys shoes, he’s thinking we’re perfect for each other, but I sometimes I don’t want to have so much in common with someone. When I have too much in common with someone they just start to bug me. There needs to be differences so that things remain interesting. After dinner we went into the entertainment room…I don’t know what else to call it, but it’s a pretty cool room. We were going to watch “Stardust” which works because I absolutely love that movie. So D&D plays with the light dimmer like he’s trying to set mood lighting and I give him one of those chin up smiles that was in that article, then I turn so I’m not facing him and roll my eyes. I take a seat, put a pillow on my lap and fold my arms. He came to sit by me and was too close for comfort, I don’t know why I thought that buy sitting on the couch he would sit on the other end, but I didn’t, and he was invading my bubble. I got up at one point to go to the bathroom and the strange thing is that it was like at work, I wait to go to the bathroom so that I have an excuse later to get up and move and kill some time. I was glad that he didn’t pause the movie for me, that would have been horrible, but when I finished in the bathroom and realized there was no soap he paused it while he ran upstairs to get me some. If I wanted to I could take that as a sign that he doesn’t care about whether or not I get to see the entire movie, but he certainly gives a hoot when he’s got to miss some of it. He kept rubbing my arm too; he wasn’t very sly about it either. I would say something and then he would lean over with his left hand to rub my left arm and act like he was consoling me. I just told him I was okay and kept my arms folded…is that not enough of a sign? He kept looking over at my hands too, probably wondering when I was going to uncross my arms, well, I stayed the course, the arms were crossed until the very moment I told him that I had to get going. As though crossed arms weren’t enough he tried to put his arm around me! I didn’t take into consideration that he would attempt that until about half an hour before he did, so my back was glued to the back of the couch so that if he tried he’d either hit my head and feel awkward or he would end up with his arm stretched out on the couch with nothing to do with my shoulders. So his arm was stretched out on the couch and his body was turned to face me after the movie ended and I finally said, “Well,” and he said, “Getting late huh?” and I said, “yeah, and my dog has been in his kennel a lot today so he probably hates me.” Which in return he did not serve up some witty banter about how that may be true but instead pulled out the, “Oh no, you’re dog doesn’t hate you he loves you.” Gag me, the dog hates me a little okay, I wasn’t fishing for some strange form of compliment, I was stating a fact and trying not to feel bad about getting up to leave.
He walked me to the door and I wasn’t sure what he was trying but I ended up giving him a hug and he said that he had a really good time and would like to take me out again sometime. Like the stupid cow that I am I said, “okay,” I should just cut my tongue out so that I am forced to write things down, I think more when I have to write, words are so easy to spit out of the mouth. Why can’t I seem to say the words that I am thinking?! So I walk out the door and head to my car. After sitting in my driver’s seat calling myself a stupid whore a couple of times I realized that I may have had a sudden onset of turrets. I should probably seek medical attention for that.
The worst part is, during the whole date I kept thinking of other guys. At one point my shoe looked like it was untied so I thought of Bachelor #2 because he randomly tied my shoe the night before, and again I thought of Bachelor #2 because when we have our Stardust party he wants to be invited. I thought of Baby Face because of something D&D said, I thought of TDH which I haven’t done as much lately. The one guy I didn’t think about in a positive light was D&D.
Also, I’ve decided that chick flicks not only ruin us because we expect that kind of behavior from real men, but also because we don’t really want men to act the way the guys do in the movie, we want those guys. We want to be in the place of the girls in the movie…at least this is the case with me, I probably shouldn’t assume on such a large scale that most if not all girls feel the way I feel, because I’m a bit off my rocker as far as being normal goes.
I’m doing these things that I think will get the message across without having to say it. Actions speak louder than words right? So why aren’t they working? And yes, I wore a graphic tee; yes, I crossed my arms; I’m trying to be myself which usually ensure me a spot in Buddyland and even that’s not working. I’ve tried to like D&D, I figure if God is going to hand me a guy who is interested and is interested in just me (Unlike Mr. Collins who was trying to mack on every girl) then maybe I should give it a shot. I debated with myself all day yesterday whether or not I was going to let him hold my hand, but I can’t do it. I don’t feel anything for him; I don’t want him to touch me! But at the same time, I do like hanging out with him. Which is why this is so hard, can you just hang out with someone who is interested in you after you tell them that you are not interested in them? He reminds me of someone too, someone from high school who doesn’t have a name in here, but someone that hurt me pretty badly and I try never to think of them. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it, or if that is my defense mechanism to help me hold to the decision that I’ve already made?
You know what? No more dates with people. If I’m interested then yes, but no more, “well it couldn’t hurt to go on one date” dates. Agh!

Chapter 104: Heaven Help Me

Food is certainly not the way to my heart; in fact it’s probably the quickest way to get on my bad side. I am a picky eater, I don’t like to talk about it, and I’m not just saying that to be funny, I really don’t like to talk about it. I don’t find someone making me dinner romantic, in fact I only associate that with my mom, so a guy making me dinner isn’t really doing it for me. “Steamed green beans” not impressive I assure you. I was reading an article today online, “5 signs to tell if she into you” or something like that, but also 5 signs to tell she’s not. As I read through the list I thought of the way I act around D&D.
Sign number one that she is not interested: She crosses her arms. Oh I do that in abundance, when I sit down to watch a movie with him my arms are cross, and no matter how uncomfortable I get or how much my arm hurts because it’s been asleep for the past half hour I won’t move my arms for the duration of the movie, unless my nose itches, the nose itching is a good reason to uncross your arms, but I assure you the moment my nose feels better my arms are backed to cross.
Sign number two: She places her bag between you. Haven’t done this one, never thought of it, seems too rude, but may have to resort to it in the future.
Sign number three: She speaks faster than an auctioneer. Granted I do this on a regular basis it does intensify when I’m uncomfortable. Not that I am at the Mr. Collins uncomfortable level, but I’m not interested and therefore am uncomfortable with the fact that I can’t find the right way to tell him and I’m getting mad at myself because I’m an idiot who can’t say, “You know what? I’m not interested in you in that way.”
Sign number four: She offers you a chin-up smile…what I like to call the polite smile. I do this in abundance as well. I’m constantly giving the chin up smile because I am just trying to make him feel comfortable because that’s what I do, it should not be interpreted as anything else.
Sign number five is she strokes her neck, which I always thought was a good thing but apparently the way that she does it says how she really feels and there is a way when answering a question where you stroke your neck and it’s really saying, “I’m lying”…that got me think about when I do lie, do I stroke my neck? Anyway.
I display at least three of the five signs on a regular basis, why is it that I am still going to have to say something to this guy? He should have taken the hint by now. I know that I keep saying that I will tell him but honestly I know me and I am wondering how far I’m going to let this go before I finally stop being polite and fess up to the fact that I am not interested in him. Heaven help me.

Chapter 103: Pa-leas (again)

So Bachelor #1 posted a note on Facebook and it’s ridiculous. Why he tagged me in it I will never understand. He was writing about his first time watching The Notebook, a movie I have never seen nor do I plan to watch it because I’m a prideful little terd and refuse to do it because everyone keeps telling me I should watch it. So he talks about how he knows that he’s going to cry because he’s cried at other chick flicks before…wow, that’s something you want to admit to the ladies. I think the guys got the memo about being more sensitive and took it to an extreme. I think it’s cute if a guy cries once in a while, but if he’s just as emotional at these movies as I am a week before my period then we’ve got problems. There are few movies that make me cry every time (I mean, I cry at the end of “Ice Age” if I’m having a tough enough week, hormonal imbalance, or am on pain killers) and as I am thinking about it I don’t think any of them can be categorized as chick flicks. Movies that guarantee my water works:

• Life is Beautiful (Waterworks: full on bawling on the floor for a couple of minutes)
• Broke Down Palace (Waterworks: See definition from above)
• Charley (A drippy faucet: Okay, this may be a chick flick but if you can hold the tears in for this one you are heartless)
• Gattaca (a faucet barely on: usually a buildup but not much spillage)

Okay, so I thought I would have a longer list than that. Pretty much my whole point is that Bachelor #1 is again trying to come across as a deeper individual than he really is, but the only thing he achieves by this is coming across as a pansy, at least to me.

Chapter 102: Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death

This is a chapter from the orginal Brutally Honest that never made the "web edition". It was just thoughts I had on a debate that we had in our Social Stratification class. So, it's not funny and it's not sprinkled with personal anecdotes about roommates or anything. It's kind of just me rambling.

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death

Today we had a debate presented to us in class on Civil Liberties and the such. Mostly concerning the Patriot Act of 2001, and how the effects of September 11 have affected our Civil Liberties. How far is too far for the government to take control of our lives? In this I feel that Republicans and Democrats should get along well, but the main flaw is that Republicans believe in getting too involved to persecute people and the Democrats believe in getting too involved to “save” people. What I am trying to say to make sure I didn’t lose anyone is that Democrats fully support aiding its citizens through welfare and Republicans through the Patriot act want to weed out potential terrorist amongst its citizens. So they are still divided in the deeper context. Surface level I think they would get along great! Digression! Digression! Digression! I meant to begin writing about something completely different when I mentioned the debates in class today. So let me collect myself and move forward with what I desired to talk about in this chapter.
It has to do with September 11th and if you find yourself thinking, “What’s going to happen on September 11th?” Then I’m afraid this writing thing has actually made it too long and you as the reader should pick up a history book before continuing. We were talking about September 11th (better known as 9/11) in class today and the speaker asked who still remembered where they were on 9/11. I raised my hand along with everyone else in the classroom. That was almost five years ago and I can still remember everything that happened that morning, and bits and pieces from that afternoon. I was living in Provo at the time, sleeping on my old roommates couch because I had spent the night for some odd reason. Her neighbor came over for a biology book that he had left there the night before and he was knocking on the door. I was out in the living room so I went to open the door for him and he asked if he could go grab the book. I mumbled “yeah sure” as it was really early in the morning. Then he said, “We’re being attacked.” I was confused by his statement and he went on as he couldn’t’ even see me while he looked for his book, “The United States is being attacked.” My first though and first words were, “Yeah right, you’d better come up with something else to keep me awake because I’m going back to bed.” He continued, “I’m not kidding, turn on the news.” My friend didn’t have a television at the time and I told him so. He told me to get dressed and come over to his apartment to see what was going on. So I quickly got dressed, I was a bit panicked by this time as you can imagine. When he had first said that we were being attacked I could barely believe him, America being attacked by terrorist had never crossed my mind. I couldn’t fathom that anyone could actually attack us, and being a naïve 18 year old I couldn’t imagine why they would attack us. I got to his apartment and watched as the first tower of the World Trade Center burned incessantly and the reporter with a voice mixed with a combination of panic and professionalism recounted to those of us who just tuned in what had happened, when it had happened, and what was happening along the east coast. An attack on the Pentagon in Washington D.C. and a plane crash in Pennsylvania which was deduced to have been on its way to D.C. intending to crash into the White House. Goose bumps ran up and down my body as I watched live footage of the first building burning, just then, a second plane flew in so fast that I barely realized what was happening and it struck the second building. The footage was almost instantly replayed in slow motion to us viewers what had happened. The plane flew and crashed into the building as though it was simply a toy and the building was almost as liquid as the surface of a lake, and then the explosion almost instantaneously following. They showed several angles in which the crash could be seen. People could be heard in the background screaming as they watched in horror and helplessness. I remember that morning, in that apartment off of 9th in Provo, Utah, sitting there for hours watching the footage play over and over again as though it were simply a scene from a movie. It didn’t seem real; I didn’t want it to be real. After a while I finally peeled myself away from the new footage and walked home where I began to call my family and my friend whose dad lives in New York. I couldn’t get a hold of anyone and that was something I couldn’t take at the moment. I needed to talk to someone. Finally I got through to my friend who sounded as panicked as I felt. I talked to her until I had to go to work. I couldn’t believe that I had to go to work! I worked at a grocery store, a provider of food which is a necessity for everyone, but I couldn’t fathom why anyone would go grocery shopping today. It was difficult for all of us to handle, having to be “professional” with so many thoughts running through our minds. What was going to happen to our country? Our families? Our Freedom? Was this all the terrorist had or was there more to their plan? I remember one customer coming in and smiling at me and asked me how I was doing. I couldn’t think how to respond to her, had she been completely cut off from all forms of communication and not heard what had happened? Had she not wondered why on a Tuesday afternoon the store was so empty? I couldn’t answer her, I didn’t answer her. I just rang up her order and let her leave.
Today in class we watched the CNN video clip of the plane flying into the second building, it was the exact station I had been watching that morning and it was the very same clip that I watched over and over again. During the debate today I had so many thoughts running through my head. The first group presenting played on our emotions by replaying the clip from 9/11. They were attempting to convince us that the infringement on constitutional rights was necessary in order to procure safety. By showing us this video clip and telling us a story of a group of survivors from 9/11 they had me right where they wanted me. I kept thinking safety is better, safety is better. But then I remembered a quote by Thomas Jefferson, “I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it”. Certainly he didn’t foresee the attack of September 11th but I think that regardless this is still important. How much is too much? When do we start to give up so many of our liberties that we have completely subjected ourselves to the government? How far will we allow the government to go before we have lost all our rights that the Founding Fathers risked their lives to secure for us? John Stossel of ABC News said, “Patrick Henry did not say, ‘Give me absolute safety or give me death’”.
Then the opposing side of the debate came up to present. They informed us of all the “evils” of the Patriot Act and I have to admit that I zoned out a bit during their presentation. It was a question brought up to them after the two groups had finished and were taking questions from the class that really got me thinking about this. Our teacher asked the group that was saying that the government should not be allowed so much control over our civil liberties if they thought that people’s lives were worth giving in our civil liberties for a little government control and comfort. He mentioned the victims who died in 9/11 and how their 911 calls had been released and in them you could hear them say that it was getting hotter, that they couldn’t breathe. Many were asking if they were going to die and all the operators could do was to tell them to pray. I began to think about it and really, what difference does it make the amount of government involvement? Evil happens, it happens every day; every generation must have its combat with a source of prevailing evil. Every generation has had its large difficulty in this never ending war. And almost every time that it has happened within America the government has tried to take control and has screwed up. From early on we see this with the Salem Witch trials where many innocent women were killed to insure a feeling of safety for those who were not burned at the stake or hanged. Then more recently was the attack on Pearl Harbor, many Japanese Americans were sent to American “Concentration Camps” simply because they were Japanese. Many of those people were in conditions not too far off from the German concentration camps. In this sense we had basically allowed our government to take the position of Nazi leaders. Many Japanese Americans denounced their citizenship due to this.
Then there is the modern day witch trail (which all of these seem to be) of McCarthyism. People were accused of being communist, and then they were tried. A trial in which the only way out was to denounce others as communist. This created an endless cycle of a vicious witch hunt where everyone saw red and no one was safe. Who fought the government then? Just a few people, who weren’t afraid to fight, weren’t afraid to show the American public what was happening to this country. I put an emphasis on afraid because I feel that fear is what is produced in situations like this. Fear from the government and the power we have given them when we have given them the power so that we wouldn’t be afraid. Our own government has taken on Gestapo-like characteristics many times before. They, just as the first group presenting, have played on our emotions time and time again, they say they do it in the name of safety, and to alleviate our fears when in all actuality they simply create another form of fear among us. Not a fear of dying by some terrorist act but a fear that we may become their next suspect.

Chapter 101: It’s a Dalmatian Plantation!

So I just e-mailed D&D to cancel our plans for Saturday night. As it turns out I have family coming into town (My sister, Navy Seal Ken, and their sons). I haven’t seen them since Christmas and I want to spend some time with them. I’m going to try to clear up more of the daytime on Saturday too, but we’ll see how well that works. I’m just so sick and tired of being busy all the time, actually I’m not; I’m just sick and tired of more than one thing going on at a time. I also don’t want to hurt D&D’s feelings, but I honestly don’t have any time for him right now anyway, even if I did like him…well, if I did like him I would just include him in the things that keep me busy, but I don’t like him so therefore, whatever, I’m not making much sense right now I’m sure. So I have this thing now, I don’t know when I developed it, but I’ll write an e-mail and I’ll read through it once or twice but then I decide that it’s not worth the brain power to keep going so I just close my eyes and hit the send button. That’s what I did when I cancelled plans with D&D (I didn’t just send a random e-mail the plans for Saturday were made through e-mail to begin with). I told him I would need to grab a rain check because I just found out that family is coming in town. But when I look at a calendar I realize that I am pretty busy until March 1st (It’s February 12th) unless he wants to try to do something on a week night. Maybe I should just tell him that I really don’t have time for anything right now, I’m sorry. And then drop off the radar…you know, move, change my name, delete my Myspace account, etc. Part of me wonders why I can’t just like the person who likes me.

Chapter 100: So cool! This chapter presented to you in technicolor.

So this weekend we had the second Elder’s Quorum dating activity. I decided to go to this one since first, you didn’t have to be asked, and secondly it seemed that all of my roommates would be attending as well. Also I had nothing better to do and it gave me the aura of being busy, ironically enough, to busy to go on a date.
So the activity was supposed to be this progressive dinner, but instead of traveling in groups from house to house the boys traveled from table to table and the girls sat still. I sat with Newbie (man she needs a nickname…any ideas?) For the Appetizers and Salad rounds we actually sat with Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2, funny how that worked out. Before the salads even got to the table Bachelor #2 and I were engaged! Man, these activities work so well! So the details, Bachelor #1 asks, without looking up from his plate, “How’s your family?” Since Bachelor #2 and I were sitting right beside each other I said, “Mine or Bachelor #2’s family?” and he said, “yours,” and laughed but I was like, “well, if you want to be specific, ask specific” (that was in my head not aloud). So, I said that they were good and then Bachelor #2 says, “Well, what you didn’t know is that soon the two families will be one.” And pretty much that’s how he claimed me as his fiancé. So all night we were having fun with it, I threatened to break it off once and said, “I only get engaged to the same person once,” so he’d better be careful. (Note: later that night I broke if off and then immediately took it back). So at one point Bachelor #1 says, “We should go out again.” To which I said, “Okay” nonchalantly. Everyone at the table laughed because of the way I answered and I just shrugged my shoulders, if he is going to bring up going out again in a casual way in front of other people I’ll respond in a casual way. He may want to go out again, if that is true he needs to ask, and when he sincerely asks I will sincerely answer. But you put out these stupid feelers to see if the girl will say ‘yes’ or as I know from past experience how Bachelor #1 works, he drops hints and waits for the girl to ask him. Well, sorry, but I’m not that interested, and the only reason I asked him out the first time was because I had a list I wanted to get through and because I didn’t want Mr. Collins to be the last date of my life. If these guys want to take a girl out they are going to have to start to take chances because that’s certainly what we are doing with them. Then Bachelor #1 starts to say how he is going to marry the girl who answers his question right. One question, one girl. So Newbie and I are intrigued and we ask, “What question is that?” and he says, “What makes you different than any other girl in the ward?” but I thought he said “world” but…whatever it’s the same difference. So I get a smart-alec smirk and say, “My DNA”. Case closed, I don’t have to think about that question anymore. Newbie’s answer, “I’m not looking for marriage.” Good one Newbie…secret high-five. So then I say, “Bachelor #1, what makes you different than all the boys in the ward that I should date you?” I love turning things around on people. Because seriously if you are going to ask a question you’d better be prepared to answer the same one! So he starts to go off on his faults, blah, blah, blah and how he’s willing to admit to them, or something like that and all I say is, “That’s what makes you different?” In the words of the evil head vampire on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie, not the show), “Pa-leas,” Give me any boy in the ward and I can name his faults, you don’t have to be a microbe hunter to discover what’s wrong with these boys, so it should be blaringly obvious to them what they lack. I think this was Bachelor #1’s attempt to come across as deep when all he really came across as was a shallow pond, too shallow to bother trying to stick my feet in. What makes me different? It’s such a waste of a question. I ended up telling him, “Think not how the girl can answer the question for you, but how you can answer the question for the girl.” Thank you John Kennedy for giving me the template for that one. Seriously though, these guys are all, “Why should I date this person,” when really they should ask, “Why would she want to date me?” I’m not trying to reduce their egos to infinitesimal specks here, but I do think they need to get off their high horses and begin to notice that the reason they aren’t dating isn’t because it’s their choice, but it could very well be that they are undeserving of the girls that surround them. Wow, still sounds like I’m trying to do that, but really, a little humble pie may be hard to swallow but it’s not going to kill them. What can I say, I’m feed up with boys like Bachelor #1. So Newbie says, "Well what is the right answer?" and he says, "I don't know, but when the right girl says it I'll know." Hmm...another stupid answer. If you don't know the answer you're looking for you won't know the answer when you get it. You'll know the girl is cute enough and that's it.
I did have a good time though, they were good company, but then the “dinner bell” rang and they were moved on from our table and the second group had Luke Duke and this other kid, and at times Coz was there. Luke Duke was funny as usual, you know, really nice to look at, but you still have to wonder. He’s a nice kid though, I learned that he’s actually in the Air Force, which I didn’t previously know and it some how heightened my opinion of him. When Coz came over I scooted my empty glass towards him without saying anything and he got up from his seat and asked if I wanted water or punch. Everyone kind of looked at me with a little surprise but this is Coz, that’s how he is, I’m just rude enough in my approach and like to act like I think I deserve to be treated that way (which I do, but I only act that way with Coz, because well, it’s Coz I don’t know how else to explain it). So little secret, even though this was a progressive dinner and I intended to come all along, I ate dinner before hand. Not because I didn’t think the food would be good because I knew it would be (the guys weren’t cooking it) but I wasn’t sure if I would actually like it due to my picky eating habits. So needless to say, I wasn’t really hungry. Luke Duke had finished his meal and noticed that I hadn’t finished mine and asked me if I was going to eat it, so I said, “No, did you want it?” and he got a goofy grin and said, ‘yeah’. So I laughed and gave it to him, saved me the embarrassing moment when they came to pick up plates and saw that I barely ate. Then it was dessert time and G.I. Joe was there! Him and another guy who was actually pretty entertaining and if he asked me out I wouldn’t say ‘no’ came to sit down. When my dessert came, which happened to be a brownie, and I don’t eat brownies, I found the table with Luke Duke and gave it to him. He threw his arms up in the air and said, “Yeah!” Which made me think “Steve Holt!” but that’s from Arrested Development so if you haven’t seen that you can’t imagine the moment with me…go watch an episode or two already.
One thing I noticed Saturday was that there is a serious gap between where the girls are and where the boys are. The girls are all mostly done with school, working on their careers whether or not they actually want careers, and the boys are all in school or trying to decide if they want to go back to school to finish. It just hit me with a little “A-ha!” Those who are advancing on to careers through their schooling are involved with their schooling and therefore don’t date regularly (this is not all encompassing, some boys in school still date…some I suppose, I don’t know). It just all came together at that activity one of the reasons the guys and the girls don’t date. But it also hit me why most of these boys go for the younger girls; the younger girls don’t care at this point if they are still in school or work retail or are unsure of what they want to be when they grow up, these girls don’t know either so it gives them something to have in common. The older girls are more than aware that these guys are quickly approaching 30 and still couldn’t support a family. So whether or not the older girls would actually hold that against them I think all the boys are like Bachelor #1 and are aware of at least this fault and know that they don’t deserve the girls. They just don’t tell us that, instead they don’t tell us anything and we rot in the viscous swamp of wondering what is wrong with us.
I want to state for the record that I had a really good time on Saturday. I was just very enlightened. I wasn’t mad that evening, it was in retrospect that I got a little passionate about my observations. After dinner I danced and laughed with Newbie, my friend and Agent L and had a good time. I went to hang out at the B.M. (our little nickname for Coz’s house) after the activity and had a good little chat with Bachelor #2 and my friend. And even though I am still tired from the lack of sleep this weekend I would do it all over again given the opportunity, including eating dinner before I went.

Chapter 99: I've got a lot of spare time

Did anyone get my Kangs of Sydney thing going on there in the title of the last chapter? It was a play on the Gangs of New York, but since Kangaroos don't usually reside in New York I had to change it to Sydney so therefore the whole idea might be lost. I spread the word about Ramekins last night, I have a few people who might be willing to purchase the T-shirts if I make them. Maybe I should be working on the T-shirt design right now rather than typing away at this blog that has no intended purpose whatsoever except to see if anyone got my funny on the last chapter. But apparently it was only clever to myself.

Okay, so I took a short break from writing and tried to draw a ramekin...I don't know how well it turned out. I'm not an artist, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I can't draw hands or feet so they are left out, I obviously lack the ability to draw a person and I mimicked a rams head that I found on google...obviously not the exact same because their's looks so much better. I should try to mimic a cartoon body, that will probably work out best...are you thinking what I'm thinking?? Lucky Charms it is. I'll keep you posted!

Chapter 98: Die Hard 27 - Kangs of Sydney

So, Saturday I had date number 2 with D&D. My goodness, I don’t know where to begin, I just sat here for five minutes trying to figure out where to begin and I don’t think I have a starting off point. I suppose I’ll just jump right in then. We went to see a movie, and then we went to eat dinner. Just like that. The movie was okay, it isn’t a must own and it’s not one of my favorites, but there were parts I enjoyed and thought were funny and then there were just parts I sat through. We had a very interesting dinner conversation; I can’t say that I am not the one to blame for this. I have a very active imagination, and sometimes that gets me into trouble, such as when I attract weird people, or I make people think it’s okay for them to show their weird side (which by the way it’s not, it’s only okay for me). At the movie theater they have these things where they scramble the letters in the title of a movie, give you an obvious hint as to what movie it is and then before your eyes reveals the answer. So before the movie began we were watching the little pre-movie slideshow and for the last 6 months whenever I’ve gone to a movie the scrambled movie they have is Die Hard. It hasn’t changed, it’s the only one they show and it’s boring. So I like to pretend I’m surprised when they flip the letters around to spell “Die Hard”. This past time I started to say what title I thought it was, “Edi Drha” a German movie made in the 1960’s about the influence of Flu vaccination on it’s population, very entertaining yet very educational, though I expected more of a plague like movie. Or it could be a movie about Edi Drha, a young woman from the America’s and my imagination trails off from there. Then D&D decided that Drha was actually Dr. Ha. So then we started to go on about why that would be a great movie. I decided instantly that it would be a romance movie. Dr. Ha specializes in reattaching limbs that have been torn off in Kangaroo attacks and Edi is actually a librarian but also an avid Kangaroo rights activist (though D&D keeps trying to throw this fact out we all know the truth about Edi, she loves Kangaroos and actually hates Dr. Ha at first for his anti-kangaroo political moves.) Anyway, do you see what I’m saying, very active imagination, it really wouldn’t matter who was there with me, this would have probably happened (unless we are talking about Mr. Collins, because with Mr. Collins I’m actually so uncomfortable that my imagination goes into hiding). Then we are at dinner and he keeps brining this stuff up, I’ve already moved on from Edi and Dr. Ha because I didn’t develop too much attachment to them, however, since he keeps going on about them I decided to continue my imagination. Edi would be on one of her activists safaris and get attacked by a kangaroo, ironic because she fights for their rights. Dr. Ha is no where to be found (D&D decided that Dr. Ha was at a party and someone bumped into him and his phone fell into a pool, thus making Dr. Ha incommunicado) as it turns out Dr. Ha is the only one specialized in this kind of attack and therefore the only one who can save her. So she dies…which is funny because when you unscramble her name it spells “die” and she dies hard, which is what both of their names will spell unscrambled. I wanted to add reenactments of Die Hard in the “movie” that we made up but got veto and told that maybe Dr. Ha could be watching the movie in a scene. This is why I don’t do joint efforts, I’ve been like this since childhood. In seventh grade we had to make a newspaper, and my friend and I worked together and she didn’t like my idea for the cartoon and I didn’t like her idea for the cartoon so we both didn’t like each other’s idea and we both put ours in anyway, I kind of resented her for it, but in retrospect her cartoon really was better, wish we were still friends so I could tell her that. Whoa, that was a major digression there, sorry. Where was I? So anyway, then we have some other conversation at dinner and when D&D gets his dessert he mentions how they are in ramekins rather than shot glasses and I asked him to repeat what he said and he said ramekins again and I just think that is the coolest word. I was excited to go share the information with my roommates but turns out that MM and Diva already knew, which burst my bubble. Then I said that Ramekins could be a genic hybrid of Rams crossed with munchkins. D&D said he liked how my imagination worked and then I kept going saying that the we could make a movie about Ramekins, and how I was already in love with the Ramekins and I’ve already got the first t-shirt design with them on it. Then we came up with the sequel for Edi and Dr. Ha, but since Edi is dead that leaves Dr. Ha and his revenge, so the name of the second movie is Dr. Ha; Ramekin Justice. He invents the Ramekins to avenge Edi’s death, even though we all know that’s not what she would want, she loved the kangaroos…but anyway, men never listen.
D&D seems to suffer from the “we” virus as well as from future-speak. He keeps saying things like, “I love how we came up with this” and junk like that, “We can do this and we can do that.” I feel like saying, “There is no we, there is you and me and we are separate.” The future-speak is more so annoying, it is usually a statement that begins with, “Note to self” and then ends with a tidbit that he is saving for future purposes, of which their won’t be a need. Like I said that the Ramekins will wear bow-ties because they are sophisticated, he asked if the Ramekins were sophisticated or if the bow ties were, I told him both. Then I said that I happen to like Bow-ties. So he said, “note to self wear more bowties.” There was also the, “Note to self, she doesn’t like necklaces,” which I do, I just don’t like putting them on, which turned the conversation in a creepy direction which I aborted instantly. What else was there a note to self statement used on? I think the fact that I don’t eat chocolate. D&D is not like Mr. Collins, I think that D&D and I could be friends, but beyond that I’m sorry to say there can’t be anything. I don’t feel anything for him. Talking about the dates it would seem like I’m having a really good time, but I’m not really. I know that he likes me and I can definitely tell that he wants this to turn into something, but I don’t like him. I don’t like if his leg hits mine, I hate he always leans in to say something and our arms are touching, or how he just leans despite having something to say. I have no desire to hold his hand much less kiss him! I’d be fine if I never saw him again (not trying to say this in a mean way, but honestly, if I didn’t I wouldn’t cry about it or feel guilty). Saturday night he randomly asks me how I feel about Fondue. Personally, I hate fondue, I don’t find that exciting or fun or romantic, or whatever the heck I’m supposed to feel about it. So I tell him, I don’t like fondue. I know he’s thinking Melting Pot, which I’ve been to and didn’t think it was all that, and I didn’t think it was worth the money. Two people ate there (I speak like this because I was the third person in the group but didn’t eat anything) for a little over $100. That’s stupid, especially considering that you have to cook your own food, sitting there waiting for it to finish rather than just having it brought out to you already cooked. Anyway, so then he mentions something about Melting Pot and I continue to say that I just don’t like fondue; I don’t eat chocolate so I don’t even enjoy the dessert fondue. Then he asks if I will ever eat chocolate again and I said one day (my day that I will eat chocolate again…when I’m pregnant and get an urge for it…if I do, but let’s face it, what pregnant woman wouldn’t enjoy a glass of milk and a bag of Oreos?) Then it hits me, it’s February, this guy actually likes me, he thinks that this “relationship” is developing well, so I’d better be careful, I don’t want him to try to pull something for Valentine’s Day. I have to have a talk with him before then, explaining how I don’t think that this is going anywhere, which will be weird because I know to him how it could seem like it is. I hate this, I hate having to do this! I had to write that stupid e-mail to Mr. Collins, who by the way tried to strike up conversation with me yesterday and I acted friendly, but busy and so therefore was unable to actually pursue conversation, thank goodness putting away an eraser is important and urgent business to me. Now I have to have a conversation with this guy about how I’m not interested. I can see why girls just go along with it; it’s so much easier then to deal with the confrontation thing. This would be ten times easier if he would just piss me off already. I work best angry.
P.S. just for an update, work is going so much better today than last week. I think that January was just a rough month for me and as it dwindled down to it’s final days it tried to take me down with it. However, I have already determined that February is going to be a good month, and surprisingly it has been! Work and elsewhere (despite the dating upsets) have just been going well. Ducky called last night, it was nice to talk to her. Everyone at church kept asking how I was doing now that she was gone. I did a little freak-out with one of the kids but I’m sure he’ll be fine. I did cry a lot in church yesterday, but it didn’t all have to do with Ducky even though I know that would make her feel a little good on the inside, even if she denies it! I feel more secure about my job, especially since I’m getting more responsibility, so that must mean something. And today I actually worked most of the day, except for my little breaks to write this thing. Church wise I’m doing well. I’m beginning to like my calling, which definitely means I’ll be released soon, I even liked having to do a last minute lesson, which is weird, but it must be that teacher’s high. I’ve recommitted on a lot of things and I hope I stick with them. I’ve also decided to have new month resolutions. Twelve month increments really is too much time to screw up, but 29-31 day increments is perfect. January sucked, I didn’t do so great with resolutions, well, recommit in February, and then in March, April, May and so on. I like this idea, maybe I can patent it and make some money off of it, or maybe at years end I can write a book about how good it was to me. I don’t know, just thinking of different ways to enhance my financial situation.