Is it wrong that...

So I've decided that a very unattractive characteristic in people is panic. A lady at work who I really like was panicking this morning and I wanted to slap her across the face and tell her to calm down. Why? Cause we had a problem (I didn't see it as one but whatever) we had to finish a project by five o'clock today...possibly earlier, I'm not sure. But she was panicking at 9:30 in the morning that we couldn't get it done. Way to quit before you start. I'll have you know that it's almost 1 o'clock and if we aren't finished we almost are. P.S. we had to stuff tax forms into envelopes and get them in the mail today. We had to first fold, then stuff, then run it through the postage machine. Hundreds upon hundreds and my fingers ache, my skin is dry, and my brain died somewhere in the process, but I did my stack, then I went back for more, then I got some from another person working on it. I just stopped and I could go get the remaining ones but my brain hurts and I can't smile. I can't smile because I think I'm asleep with my eyes opened. ...which means this is a dream...or sleep typing (if that's real, you know what, even if it's not real, that's what it is).

No reason to panic, it got done. I don't know why I just wrote all of that except for the fact that I realized today that I have never found it attractive, rather repulsive and a weakness. Maybe it's my survival of the fittest instinct that is ingrained deep in my DNA...the strong survive and come out on top.

That's your science lesson today. Thank you Darwin.

Oh wait, speaking of the strongest, not really but I wanted to vent. SFHB - First off we have a basketball game tonight and I don't really want her to come, but since she probably is I am trying to think of a way not to give her a ride. I normally don't care if I give her a ride somewhere, but this is a long car ride, and I'm tired of hearing about her mother. She needs to start talking to other people than just her mother or her sister because the intro, "So I was talking to my mom today," gets old quick. Cut the cord honey, it's for your own good.

My vent though is from the e-mail I just got from her. I'm trying really hard not to fall into line with people and bad mouthing. It's hard because it seems to be a natural hurdle for mankind. I am also trying to not be so mean hearted towards SFHB, but I find that in order to do this I have to avoid her. She is an extremely negative person who doesn't seem to have a nice thing to say about anyone. I know she talks behind my back because I've caught her doing it before (not upset just saying, this is the type of person she is). So Moxie is saying that she is going to start to go to the branch, it's closer and her and her boyfriend will be going together. As a joke I said, "So what, now that you've found your E.C. you don't need the singles ward anymore?" but I was making fun of a guy who stopped coming because he got engaged. SFHB starts to say that she just might join her in going to the Branch. (Probably because she doesn't like her new calling and would love to get out of it).

So today we were e-mailing (we being my roommates and I, minus Moxie for some reason) and I mentioned how the Branch is having a baptism tonight and she asked some question which was probably supposed to be witty but I'm not in the mood today and I say, "That's the branch for you." because I didn't know what else to say. Then she writes back and says (let me quote), "Why would Moxie ever want to go there? Is it wrong that it kind of upsets me when people go there just because it's more convienant?" Yes - it is wrong...and so is your spelling of convenient. Which is what I will write back when I post this. It is wrong, mostly just because it's you and I feel like you judge too much as it is. I don't care where someone goes to church as long as they are actually going. If Moxie will have better attendance at the Branch, then by all means go to the Branch. The other reason it's wrong is because you said (in front of witnesses) that you would be willing to go too because you're tired of the ward. (I even e-mail Moxie while writing this to confirm with her that something along those lines was said).

Also: If you ever have to say "Is it wrong that (fill in your dilemma here)" the answer is 'yes'.

I don't know why I let it bug me so much, but as soon as I post this I'm going to stop thinking about it and move on with my life.

P.S.! I just got a call from Washington (D.C.) no joke. Never thought I could say that Washington has called. Don't know what they want, don't know if they'll leave a voicemail, but I can only assume Obama is after us (if not for my Republican views than for my money). Trust No One.

The sun is finally out!

It's been a rough week and I've learned something about myself. I may not feel emotional, but that doesn't stop me from eating. I don't mean that I wasn't emotionally stressed and ate anyway. I mean that I know there are emotional stresses on me now, I suppress them, but they have come out in the form of eating. I've eaten so much in the past two days, yesterday being the scariest. I couldn't stop eating. I wanted to stop eating, I was getting ready to eat something yesterday and told myself that it wasn't too late to change my mind and not eat it, but even as I told myself this I ate a spoonful. I ate so much candy and chips in addition to dinner last night. I finally decided that I need to face the problem instead of trying to build up stomach fat to hide it away.

BB has pretty much begun to date J Darko (And I kind of can't stand her). I've been telling myself it doesn't matter, convincing myself that I didn't like him that much or that the two of them are more perfect for each other than anything. Besides, he was just the aloe for the TDH burn, right? But it's still a loss, still one more guy who would rather be with someone else than with me.

And it's not just boys. My life is on the precipice of change. At church I was released from my calling, well, I will be released this Sunday. I've had this calling for two years, it was my constant, it changed my very being, and now it will end. I know that doesn't mean I'll revert to the person I was, but it was the most meaningful thing in my life. Whether or not I want to admit it I think losing it has also had an effect on the way I have been eating and the way I have been feeling.

I play basketball (of course you know that) but now it's competative. I don't play with the guys right now because at church we are playing other teams. We have a game tomorrow night and all week I have been contemplating whether or not I even want to go. Whether or not I even want to go, that has never been an issue before. It's always been 'of course I'm going, I love basketball, I breathe it'...but this week...

I know that I'll go, but the other thought is why play so hard? And I do play hard. My team, we're good, I'm sure of it, but we keep losing. I beat myself up trying to win these games and it seems like last year with fewer players we were undefeatable and this year with plenty of girls we can't seem to get it together. Not to mention that J Darko is on the team and she's a show-off which loses us more points than people realize. If she would just pass the ball and not try to impress people so much maybe a shot would be made, 2 or 3 points in our favor. Maybe I wouldn't have to fight so hard to get her rebounds when she tries to make a shot from outside of the key. It's not that I'm blaming her, because everyone is to blame really. But if I must be honest I want to blame her, cause maybe if I blame her I'll stop eating my feelings, I'll stop beating myself up for each shot missed, each pass lost.

I realize that right now I may sound sad or depressed. Don't worry, this is just my bored voice. I feel I have to write these things down to stop myself from eating everything. If that makes sense.

Come What May and Love It.

Warning: This post is long and contains secrets, which is why it's in the secret blog.

What a weekend! I mean, seriously, I feel like I need to take a day off this week just to recover from the weekend that I have had. Let's just do this in chronological order shall we? It might be easier for me not to miss any details that way.

Friday night was our basketball game. I love basketball, I don't know if I have expressed that or not and I love it for several different reasons. The first being that I love to move around, I don't so much enjoy running constantly, but I love running from one end to the next and then stopping, trying to block a pass or a shot and then running to the other end and try to make a shot or get a rebound. Another reason I love basketball is because it's the only known time (that I'm aware of) that I think of nothing else. My head is completely in the game. I'm not thinking of things that have gone wrong, I'm not thinking of what I have to do at home or what needs to be done the next day. Work doesn't exist...nothing...get the point. The only thing I think about is the game, I don't have any other time that I am so focused on one thing. I like being focused on just one thing, but can't seem to emulate this in any other facet of my life. So there, now you know.

The bad thing about basketball though is that if we lose the game then all my mistakes come crashing in on me. Some people can make loads of mistakes and not even give them a second thought because they don't feel like if they played a little more with the team that we could have won, because when they did their fancy move they got the applause from the crowd and that's what mattered. Not that I'm going off on anyone....cause I'm not...really. Actually, what I am trying to do here is tell myself that losing by one point can't possibly be all of my fault. I've developed myself so far where I judge a little less harshly those around me so now it is time to get down to work on judging myself less harshly.

After the game we went to O'Charly's with a bunch of people and that was pretty fun. I can't really remember the details of it, but that's probably because I'm naturally a pessimist and we don't remember the good stuff as easily (just ask my mom - it drives her crazy).

Saturday I slept as long as I possibly could (but I still woke up too early) and got ready for work. I had to work 11-6 and I'm not complaining, but last week I worked 5 hours and before that I had been off since before Christmas (from this job) and I was sleepy and tired. I wanted to get off early, in fact when I got there I thought it might be a possibility because it was so slow...but as soon as they put me on register it go busy and stayed that way! But I don't mind that because it makes time fly by.

Right after work I went over to my sister's house because she was certain that her dog was going to have puppies that night and her husband had to work. So I went over, changed, ate pizza and we sat and waited for her dog to go into labor. That's boring by the way, at least it would be if you were all alone. My best friend from high school came over too. She's not my best friend anymore, and I'm not hers and it doesn't hurt, it's just the way it is. The sad thing to me is though is that I have to work on not letting her bug me. It shouldn't be that way, but it is and I'm working on it, and that's it. I ran home at one point to grab my space heater and let my dog out for a bit, and I left one other time to go fill up my car before Sunday. After a few hours her husband came home and we made him sit with the dog while we watched a movie, then the three of us sat with the dog while he went to bed (men). I was voted most capable of giving a quick prayer to watch over us, the dog, and the puppies and then we waited some more. Around 2:00 a.m. we still sat puppy-less and I had to go home and take care of my own dog. So I left, wishing them luck and fully expecting to stop by on my way to church to meet the new additions.

I got home, without my space heater (the puppies would need it more) and let my dog sleep in my bed for the warmth factor. The next morning I woke up in my cold room and went to take a warm shower. As I was getting ready (and I was getting ready early because of my intentions to see the puppies before church) my brother-in-law called. Mama-dog was having the puppies! I guess it didn't really hit me because I was like, "Um, okay, I'll stop by on my way to church." But after I hung up I hurried getting ready and then went over. I got there and a puppy was halfway out. I pulled back my hair, put on some gloves and got to work. While we were working on that first puppy (which took an hour by the way) I kept thinking that maybe I should have been a vet. I let things scare me (such as Science class) and then I don't do these things. I wanted to be a vet in high school and when told I would have to take a lot of math and science I changed my mind. But I could do it I think, if I could get past the schooling part, a lot of this comes natural. Yeah, birthing puppies is gross, but I got right in there, with my Sunday clothes and bruised and bleeding knees (from basketball Friday - and the bleeding happened when I got on the ground and hit it just right, reopening the wound). My brother-in-law panicked, which agitated my sister and I wondered how they would do if they had to deliver more puppies after I had to leave...because I had to leave. I was going to go to church late but I had a meeting after church and couldn't miss it, so I would go for the last hour and possibly check in on them on my way home. At 2:30 I had to leave and there were only two puppies. I told them goodbye and wished them luck and I really did think they should have the luck.

AND they did, I found out later that high school Best Friend was there just as the next three came out (in quick succession). In total there were 8 puppies and I am going to go see them after work today, but as is, that's the end of that story.

As I said it was a busy weekend, and it spilled over into this morning, so now we are at 3:00 p.m. yesterday. I have to get a new crush, granted this is not high on my priority list, but it makes church better and makes a lot of things better...just liking someone makes me feel more fully functioning. BB (formerly known as TDH jr.) is out of the running. I think he and J. Darko are going to work on becoming an item. And the thing is I can't hate her, I can't get upset when she beams because she doesn't know I like him. She's just a girl who decided what she wanted and went for it. I can't get upset with him because he didn't know I liked him and then there are the whole lack of self confidence issues that I have where I wonder why I thought he'd ever like me in return. But that leads us back to trying to be easier on myself (makes me think of the Michael Mclean song "Gentle" which got played countless times in high school with my darkened room because I had serious issues as a teenager, well, not serious as in serious subject, more like seriously, something is wrong with that drama queen). ...Back to my story. So - that's that, it's over and done with and I need to move on.

In Relief Society our lesson was on the General Conference talk Come What May and Love It. I loved that talk when I first heard it in October and I loved it more when we talked about it yesterday. I just didn't know I would have to apply it all so quickly.

After church I talked to a few people until Tyrant (who I will just call Coach from now on) came and got me. I was nervous as to why she was calling me into the hallway but I went anyway. I put my head down and she told me I wasn't in trouble but then proceeded to shove me into the bishop's office! Little Brother jumped in and gave me a hug which made me wonder even more what I had done and why I was in the bishop's office and what did he know that I didn't. As the door was closing and I looked through it's ever waning space to the hallway with my panic stricken face I locked eyes with BB's little sister and her expression showed that I looked scared, and I was. Really it was all quite humorous.

But then the door was closed and the bishop told me to take a seat. I was nervous and he could tell and he told me there was nothing to be nervous about. So I sat down, but I couldn't get the expression off of my face, well, I thought I had, but when he reassured me again that I wasn't in trouble I realized I still may have been panicked looking.

Then he told me that they were going to release me, not just me but the whole presidency. He told me that we are a training ward and while he preferred to keep everything as is, we need to give everyone a chance to serve and learn and grow. I've been in this calling for two years, one year as the Education counselor and the other as the Enrichment counselor. I hated the idea of the calling at first, thinking that there was no way I was qualified to be a leader and an example in that ward. I didn't even go to Relief Society before this calling was originally extended to me. I didn't go to Enrichment after that until I was called as the Enrichment counselor. The Lord has truly known me, and called me to do the things that I needed to do, that I needed to learn and grow in. And now, he'll call someone else who needs it as much as I did.

It's amazing to me, how far I have come in the last two years. What kind of person I have changed in to while on this veritable roller coaster on personal growth and achievement! I have sunk to the bottom but I have also soared to the top. I don't think I would be the person I am at this point in my life without this calling. I wouldn't know what it feels like to have a genuine love for strangers (the sisters in the Relief Society that I didn't even know their names), I wouldn't appreciate the hard work that goes into Enrichment, I would understand the inspiration that goes into organizing Relief Society. I'm eternally grateful for this calling, for the chance that I had to serve in that capacity.

The bishop informed me that they have plans for me, that I was too valuable not to use, as if that was supposed to make me feel better. He said they had my name on several list and one needed to get approval (like that is suppose to ease my nerves? I don't think so). What kind of calling in the ward needs approval beyond the bishop?? And while I don't want any other calling in the ward but the one I have for one more week, whatever the calling I hope that I can learn to accept it, learn to love it and see what the Lord wants me to take away from it, as I have with this calling.

I told the bishop I knew this release was coming. It wasn't a burning in the bosom or anything like that, and it wasn't a confirmation...it was a couple of weeks ago, when I realized that I loved my calling, and despite my complaints over the last two years about having to teach once every three months or having to be the Enrichment Counselor...or having to have the calling at all, I truly enjoyed it. I enjoyed every minute of it, I enjoyed the friendships that were formed because of it, the blessings that yielded because it and the growth that I have gone through. Sorry, enough of my blabbing, but seriously, I have had this calling for two years. It was my constant, and now it's changing. I had that longer than my job right now, I had it longer than anything else that has happened since I graduated college almost three years ago.

So after I got out of meeting with the bishop Coach grabbed me and we found a room where we could talk about it, because at the time we were the only two in the presidency who knew. SFHB and Tidbit hadn't found out yet. The moment we go into the room I started to cry, I didn't mean to, it just happened. I told Coach that I didn't think I would cry when it finally happened, but here I was, I had loved the calling and now it was gone. She felt the same way, she said she knew it was coming, but she didn't think it would come that soon. We finally made sure that we didn't look like we had been crying and went back out into the hallway.

BB's little sister put her arm through mine and asked if we could really be friends now. I don't know what that was all about but I said 'yes'. Then I laughed and joked with her, I asked her if since she was the kind of person who became "official" with her friends if she was also the type that breaks up with her friends. And if she does, how do you end that? Cause you can't fall back on the 'I'd really like to stay friends' bit that you pull when you break up with a boy. I don't care that she is a person who officializes friendships, I want to be her friend, whether or not she's BB's sister I have thought she was pretty fantastic from the day I met her (due to my calling) when our goal at first had been to go visit the sisters and two of us went to visit her. So there, at least I got a new friend out of it.

After church we had a meeting, the presidency had planned a meeting for yesterday obviously before we knew that a meeting would be pointless at this point. So we went to Coach's apartment and talked about the shock, talked about what the bishop said to us, if any of us got a calling that day or not (SFHB was the only one). I'm going to miss our meetings, and hopefully we'll all still hang out together. I was said because I was just getting to know tidbit and I wrote her a note earlier (before I knew) and told her how much I enjoyed getting to know her and serving with her...it must have been inspiration, a last chance to say it before it was no more.

We went straight from Coach's apartment (tired, mentally exhausted, and hungry) to the fireside where a man who was a Holocaust survivor came to talk about his experience. It was interesting, and he was funny at times, but I couldn't always understand him and he had a tendency to ramble...oh and there was the fact that I was completely distracted by the thought that in a week my life is going to be completely different. Didn't help either that BB and J-Darko were sitting next to each other a few rows up. I wasn't the only one distracted though, SFHB, Coach and Tidbit all agreed that we couldn't focus on the fireside.

After the fireside I came home (it was almost 9:30) and my home teachers came over to home teach me. I stayed in my Sunday clothes, thinking about what I could have for dinner and if I should even eat this late. They came, brought cookies (yum-o) and taught me a really good lesson. They tried to learn a little bit about me and in my low-blood sugar state I talked super fast and at least made them smile even if they had no clue what I was saying. Then Soul Patch told me if there was anything they could do then ask, but not to ask to take out the garbage because they probably wouldn't come over for that, but bigger things that I actually would need help on. Way to serve there Soul Patch, but it just made me laugh. They left and I finally ate.

I finally went to bed only to wake up at 1:00 a.m. because my ear itched...seriously, I probably have roach in there *gag*. Then I woke up again when my alarm went off...went forward and my forehead banged into the wall...wrong way I guess. I turned the other way and turned off my alarm. I got to work and there was an e-mail from my roommate, Moxie, and she's thinking of moving out early! It's hard enough to try and come up with two people by June...but one, by the end of February!? Since it's a breach in contract I told her that she'd have to find someone to take her place, like she would have to do in Provo if she wanted to move out earlier. She agreed that she would do that, but she would suggest names first so we could figure out if we even wanted that person to move in.

I don't know, maybe I should just move home in June. This is getting too complicated.

Do you see what I am saying about this weekend? Absolute mayhem.

Just so you know, next week will be my last week to teach...as a member of the presidency at least. I'm excited and nervous, but who else gets the chance to teach their last Sunday? Just me. That's it. Until next time.

Hello Old Friend

So I told my friend about this blog (I am working on a nickname, but don't pressure me that always makes it harder) and then I preceded to spend a majority of my morning at work reading over old blog entries.

It is amazing to me how much I have changed in such a short amount of time. While I find my previous writings very amusing and wish (just a little) that I had that kind of drama to keep me writing this way, I'm impressed and grateful for how much I've changed. I get along with SFHB, though she still bugs me sometimes - I don't let myself blow up the way I used to. I don't let it bug me as much, because seriously, talk about a waste of energy. I actually like Tyrant, yes, sometimes she's demanding, but I like her, I like being her friend and I feel like she wants to be mine. So...we'll do that. Pack Rat has become the roommate that I am closest to now, though I don't consider myself close to any of them really...not in the way I was close to some roommates in college (SweatPea, Dragon, Oreo, and others who were before the days of Brutally Honest).

I quit this blog for the obvious reasons, without the insatiable rage fueling my creative energies there really was no purpose to a blog entitled "Brutally Honest" where I state how I really feel about people. Funny - yes, helpful towards being a better person - No.

Well, thought I would just drop in and say 'hello'.

D-A-M Feminist (Part 2) And We're Back

Pa-lease! (article)

"Girls want this because they’re told to want this, because they think they should, and that’s what their friends are getting. We gender-label things," she says. "I’m a girl so I should enjoy shopping and cooking and getting a manicure and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with a guy enjoying that, either." - Karen Shanor, a neuropsychologist based in Washington D.C.

D-A-M Feminists

First off, let's address the issue that's most vital to our survival as a species. Yes, there is something wrong with a guy enjoying manicures. There, I've said it. I'm sorry but I don't want a man who is more pampered than I am. The whole cooking and shopping thing is fine, but manicures are crossing the line. Then there is the whole, "Girls like this because they are told to like this." Bullcrap. I have said it before and I'll say it again, there are differences between the genders, whether you try to ignore them or not, whether you try to create each person in the world to somehow be a unisex individual there are still these innate differences. Tony Key (from the article) states that girls like to create and boys like to destroy. ...Duh, this guy is spewing proverbial wisdom and what does Shanor have to say about it?

"Boys want to blow things up because that’s what they’re told their territory is."

*mouth open* I suppose I didn't realize that I shoved it down my nephew’s throat to turn everything into a gun or sword and fight with them, or that I told him that it was his territory to knock down everything that was built out of Legos and building blocks. All of this before he could even talk. What about my niece? No one told her to be a girly girl, to enjoy dressing up her dolls and naming them and nurturing them. No one wanted her to want to wear make-up, much less taught her that it was what she should want. Face it pig headed feminists, some things are innate, their degrees vary, there are exceptions (yourselves for instance). But just because you want to feel that the way you are is right doesn't mean that everyone has to adhere to it. Women are not in a man made prison of gender adherence. This is just the way things are. Its okay if you're a girl and like to destroy things and its okay if you're a guy and like to nurture and create, that's your prerogative, but the problem comes when they grow up and assume that they were different, that somehow they "escaped" the constraints and tyranny of society. They want to open the eyes of everyone around them and they’ll do it by force if they must, and they won’t stop.

The problem with society is that they don’t let girls just figure out what they want! I’m not a guy so I can’t say if it’s happening with them either. If a girl wants to take on a traditional role the feminist voice in society is screaming at them and telling them that they can’t want that, it tells them that they only think they want it. Shanor says that there’s nothing wrong with it if a girl enjoys cooking and shopping and getting manicures but in the very same statement she is saying that it’s unfair to the girls, a few lines before in the article she says it’s even harmful to them, to have games about what a test group of girls said they wanted. She cannot even get her statements to agree and she is fighting against something that was researched, something that sells. She'd rather the girls play "Halo" and "Grand Theft Auto"? Does she want them to play games like "Fallout" until they find that they enjoy them? I'm just sick and tired of society trying to wipe out the natural humanity that women are born with. I personally don't like violent games that guys tend to play, I don't want to play them and I'd be thrilled if the guys didn't, but they do, and I'm not going to start a rampage and force them to play "Fashion Designer" or "Babyz"...I don't even want to play those games. But that's what I'm saying. If a girl doesn't enjoy playing these games she won't. If she'd rather play "Halo" she will. I'm tired of the feminist thinking that we are mindless drones because we want a family, enjoy fashion, shopping, cooking, maybe even cleaning (man I wish I had that problem!). We must be mindless because we care what other people think, how they feel, because maybe we want to nurture people, build them up rather than tear them down. There is nothing gender forced or unnatural with any girl or woman who chooses what she prefers to do, whether it's the ambition to become a CEO or a mother.

Step back Shanor and look at yourself. Who is really trying to force gender roles here?

It's my Party and I'll cry if I want to

I'm not depressed, about being a year older or anything else for that matter...but I am emotional for some reason. I've gone through my mental checklist of various reasons why I would be emotional and everything is clear so far. I'm fine with being older, I've accepted my single status for the time being (this does change from year to year). Birthdays haven't ever really been a big deal for me. But I think one problem is that this year I actually expected something. I expected getting what I got last year. A decorated workstation, lunch at my favorite restaurant, etc. But I didn't get those things. And that was fine, but it felt like a let-down.

Granted, lunch will be on a day that my boss isn't sick to her stomach and the decorated workstation was just plain embarrassing.

Facebook tells all of your friends that it is your birthday and with 400+ friends (yeah I was surprised by that too) it's not surprising that in 10 minutes 7 friends would write on my wall to say "Happy Birthday". When I got home for lunch there were already 24 or so that had done it and it was just 1 o'clock. But I almost wish they wouldn't. I don't like to make a big deal out of these things. However, one thing that I really appreciate is the phone call I got from Baby Face. I missed it by probably 30 seconds so I just waited for the voicemail. I don't know why I love this kid so much, but this might have something to do with it. He left a message saying that he heard from someone (Facebook) that it was my birthday and that if I wasn't doing anything, which I probably was, I should stop by the store tonight because he is working. I don't know why but it's one of my favorite things this birthday, and I'll be going in to see him. How could I not when he made that effort? It's a whole lot better than a "happy birthday" on my wall. ...I would totally be his girlfriend.

But before that I'll be going to my parent's house to eat dinner...Yum-o!