Chapter 81: Curveballs

Why does life have to be so difficult, why does bad timing seem to always reign, and am I ever going to find a guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Will I always have to avoid the only guys interested in me because they aggravate me or are completely weird? On that note, Mr. Collins was at my house Monday night. We had a progressive dinner for church, so of course he was there, we love everyone right? My house was the place to go for dessert. I got stuck in a moment of conversation with him and he asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I told him that I was going to my parent’s and he asked where they live and such. I was very vague, I think my answer was, “not too far from here” and then I didn’t ask him what his plans were because knowing him he’d pull a magic trick on me and somehow get me to invite him over for dinner, which I would have to kill myself if that happened. So I avoided giving him any opportunity to do so. I just don’t understand why this guy doesn’t get it that I have no desire to even be friends with him. Then I hear later that he tried to enter into my roommate’s room! Heck no, that’s not cool, luckily someone was standing in the doorway and was oblivious to the fact that someone was trying to get by, even luckier, I had just left the room to go hide in my bedroom. My oldest sister is bugging me too. She’s one of those complainers that I have a hard time feeling sorry for, mostly because they aren’t the only ones going through a situation but they sure act like they are the only ones who have ever felt that kind of pain before. She also adds more drama than necessary to it. Now I’m dramatic but it’s all in good fun, hers is to elicit sympathy. She’s in town for the week, and every night I have invited her to come join the land of the living, but apparently being cooped up with my parents, Spam, and Burrito are actually more appealing to her. I know it’s mostly because I’m on the “singles scene” and she has withdrawn herself from it but then she expects me to withdrawal myself from it too! I just can’t do that, hanging out at my parent’s house listening to Spam and Burrito yell at each other and sitting on the couch while everyone watches T.V. is really not that appealing to me. I can only manage to do that on Sunday’s, any other day and I just can’t do it. I like hanging out with my friends, not only that but Eeyore is leaving soon and I know it sounds bad to choose a friend over family, but I may never see Eeyore again, I’m not that great at keeping in touch, and even though I don’t keep in touch with my sister very well we are bound together by blood and I will see her again. Besides, it’s not like I’m really choosing my friends over her, I have tried to invite her. And I know for a fact that she would do the exact same thing to me, she has. Did it matter that I was tired and wanted to sleep after a four hour drive? No, she had plans and I was coming along, and if I managed to get out of going with her she threw a fit like a spoiled brat. Sometimes she would seriously cry because I didn’t want to do something. She takes things too personally. Maybe it’s my distaste for clingy people, maybe I'm just a bad sister, I don't know.

Chapter 80: I Only Talk Mean

So Crunchy sends text messages periodically to act like he’s a good friend keeping in touch. I know for a fact however that these text messages are sent out in mass so therefore I never bother with a response. Yesterday however I got one from him asking if I was going to Oreo’s wedding (oh yeah, Oreo is getting married…so much for convincing her to move out east to be my roommate). I figure that it was safe to assume that this text message was personalized. So I wrote him back and said ‘yes’, to which he replies, “You live!” and I told him that ‘yes’ I was alive then I told him that I needed his address, (to send out my Christmas letters should I ever actually finish writing that thing). He writes back about how it’s for my wedding announcement…how great! I write back saying I’m not getting married I’m sending Christmas cards. He writes back saying “sad” and I stopped writing him. Obviously it is the dejection of the life that I call mine which kept him from keeping in better touch with me in the first place. Why bring up such painful memories for him?
Then last night he sent a text asking, “How’s life?” to which I did not reply because I was already ready for bed, so I wasn’t going to bother, it’s from Crunchy, it’s not urgent. Then this morning he writes, “So what’s up with you.” I’m sorry, but if you want to know what’s happening in my life then you’re going to have to respond to me when I sent you an e-mail, you’re going to have to show that you want to be my friend whether it’s on your time or mine! When he’s bored and no one is around is not the time for him to start trying to contact me, I am not interested in being that friend that you keep in touch with because you’re the only one left in a town you should have moved out of upon graduation and just because Thanksgiving is coming up and the 18 year olds that he is used to hanging out with have all probably already gone home for the holiday. That is not the time to start communicating with me, the time to start communicating with me was to start with an apology for never coming to say ‘goodbye’ before I left, an apology for not bothering to travel a few hours when I have flown across the country and am only a 3 or so hour drive (as opposed to a two and half day drive). I will not be responding to group texts, I will not even waste a text message to tell you how I’m doing, because honestly, I don’t have that many available to me in my plan. I texted him back and told him that I didn’t have a lot of text messages on my plan so could he tell me his e-mail address so I could write him then. So what did he say back? He said, “Same as always.” Oh okay, let me just blow away the dust and cobs webs from that crevasse of my brain where I decided to store your e-mail address in case one day I should decide to make contact when I am so bored and lonely that in a fit of delirium I think that it’s still okay to try and keep in touch with you! So I sent an e-mail to an address that may or may not be him because to be honest I can’t remember his e-mail, and if he really wants to know how my life is or what’s up with me then he can e-mail me first (if mine doesn’t go to him). I know that he probably assumed I had access to my normal e-mail address and could just look up his address, but I’m angry with him regardless so it just gave me a specific to channel my anger towards.

Chapter 79: My Day At Work

This morning I looked over Ducky’s resume and made a few suggestions, I rescheduled some people for a mandatory class that they missed yesterday, and again today. Hopefully not tomorrow since it’s the last day for the classes. I also ordered books for people, talked to Potty Mouth at the front desk and went on two breaks with Grouchy. I don’t mind going on “breaks” with Grouchy except for the fact that when she is smoking I manage to find myself a good position where the smoke won’t come blowing on me and making me smell bad and then she moves! And when she moves the smoke comes in clouds at me. I don’t even know how this started, when did we become friends? I can’t remember. I’m not saying that I mind Grouchy, considering her natural disposition things could be worse, I should just be happy that she likes me, but part of me hopes that the new person they hire for that position doesn’t smoke.
I’ve been to every floor but the fourth today (and I took the stairs every time) and that’s probably because I’ve never been to the fourth floor. I’ve gone upstairs to see Bubbles countless time, each time I had an excuse, which surprised me, but the thing about excuses, they usually don’t give you a good enough reason to be standing around talking. I’ve scanned things, signed people up for life insurance, went to visit IT Guy and get him to tell me his salary (I love my position in the company I get to find out what everyone makes).
Finally it was time for lunch. On my break I went home and tried to clean up a little, I don’t know how much it helped but I got most of my clothes put away and washed another load…it really is a never ending job.
After lunch I cleaned my desk space, I had been walking around earlier with Potty Mouth and noticed how other people had their desks set up and mine was by all accounts filthy. So I straightened things and threw things away and rearranged a little bit and now it looks almost good enough to compete in the clean cubicle contest. I wrote down my thoughts about office politics which took a good 20 minutes. I talked to Book Order and she has an intense personality, reminds me a lot of an old roommate who I don’t believe ever had a nickname here. Got things squared away with her and then I tried for 10 minutes to get on the health insurance website so that I could look at my fitness account, but it didn’t seem to recognize the user id that it gave me yesterday! So I gave up on that and then I spent a good hour researching the history of paper clips. Very interesting stuff. Sometimes I wish that I could just leave for the day, walk out to my car an hour early because chances are no one will even notice if I do. But I know that the day I finally decide to do that will be the day that someone comes looking for me in the last two hours of work. I just spent 10 minutes not helping Grouchy do something. I kind of just stood their and took away from her oxygen supply. I have thirty-five minutes remaining and I need to find something to read or research. I have Friday off this week and just can’t wait until tomorrow is over so I can start a long weekend.

Chapter 78: Why Normal Guys Don't Finish First Either

I can’t stand that boys waste so much time and energy on video games. Honestly, in 5 years from now what are you going to regret more, not playing a video game or not spending time cultivating relationships with your friends? These boys I know have been obsessed with Call of Duty 4. Bachelor #1 told me that they have been playing it every night for the past week, one night they played until six in the morning. I have one word for you pathetic. When he told Motor Mouth she said that they were all losers and needed girlfriends. It was the bravest thing I had heard all night and I had never been more proud of her. At that moment I was honored to call her my roommate.

Speaking of guys getting girlfriends, why in the world are they expecting the girls to do all the work? "Any takers?" lame. Why can't the guys just ask a girl out? Bachelor #1 isn't in my burn book because he handled me asking him out well, but I remember what he said in the e-mail, that he should have asked me. Well...why didn't he? Why did he have to wait for me to consider him for a possible date and ask him out? A guy should never make a girl wait until she collects the courage to break away from the norms and traditions of her upbringing, if he wants to go on a date with her he should stop assuming that she's got ESP and just ask her out! In that respect he has lost points, but he is also in my made up land of Buddyland, and there he shall stay, so the points are completely meaningless for him. But guys in general need to step it up or they are going to find themselves single and in their 40's wishing that they had asked the girls out when they still had something going for them. No one's going to want them with their gaming guts sagging over their waistline.

In other news I saw Mr. Collins tonight at the party (where I learned of the excessive video game play). It was weird because I have this innate desire to be nice to everyone (though I can't seem to muster up that desire when I'm writing) but I also didn't want to talk to him at all. It was quite the internal struggle. He had called earlier this week inviting me to go ice-skating Friday and told me to give him a call if I was interested, which I wasn't, so I didn't call. I just feel that if he gets me in person and asks me to do something I'm going to have to be rude to his face because honestly, if he hasn't picked up by now I don't think ignoring his existence is going to do the trick. At the party I barely said anything to him, I even walked away several times. He made me do a magic trick, which was cool, but I tried not to act like I thought it was cool because I think he tries to use magic to seduce people, and quite frankly, I'm not seducible. I finally got tired of avoiding him and just left the party, at least I had some fun while I was there.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Series One: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys. Who are they? Where do they come from? Why is it that they finish last? We all know nice guys, they are sweet, sometimes quiet, respectful and of course, nice. They are the kind of guys you wouldn’t mind taking home to meet your mother. They probably send you roses, help with the dishes, and own a dog, scratch that, no pets. Nice guys are people pleasers and they do a good job at it, they have no problem charming the masses, so why is it that they have such a bad rap?

Who Are The Nice Guys?
To really get down to why nice guys finish last we should first take a look at a few famous nice guys. Real life or fictional, nice guys have a lot in common. We trust nice guys; they are the boy next door, somebody who could possibly be on your dating list. First, there’s the adorable Norman Bates with his shy idiosyncrasies (or quite possibly plain and simple anti-social behaviors), his sweet tooth, and pleasant smile. Then there’s the charismatic Ted Bundy with his do-gooder life saving skills at the crisis center, his charming looks, and quirky sense of humor. Albert DeSalvo the small time thief with his gentle manners, muscular build, and of course wife and two kids. And last but not least (at least for this essay) we have John Norman Collins, the handsome, athletic, honor student from Eastern Michigan University.
Bachelor Number One:

Norman Bates, our Delegate for fictional nice guys. He owns his own home and he runs the family business. Of course his establishment hasn’t been raking in the dough for the last couple of years, but that’s mostly due to poor location. He’s sweet and polite of course but as with everyone he has a few flaws such as his jealousy and his propensity to be a peeping tom.
Bachelor Number Two:

Ted Bundy, born on the East Coast but raised in the west Ted Bundy volunteers at the crisis center, is studying law amongst other things, dabbles in politics and is great with children. He has a witty sense of humor and he’s incredibly stealthy; you’ll hardly ever know he’s there. Two things he really loves are traveling and hiking. Some things he shouldn’t love, strangling and mutilating women.
Bachelor Number Three:

Albert DeSalvo the decent family man is technically not a bachelor, he’s married with two young children, but that hasn’t stopped him from being a charming ladies man. He’s handy to have around the house for leaky faucets and other small household repairs. With his muscular build and white smile you’re sure to feel safe letting him into your home.
Bachelor Number Four: John Norman Collins, it’s always easier to trust a man with three names rather than one with two. You’ve probably seen John out on the baseball field as the star pitcher or on the football field as a tri-captain. He’s handsome, polite, respectful, and nice. He’s also an honor roll student. Don’t worry about this one being shy ladies, he dates the co-eds regularly.

Where Do They Come From?
Now that we’ve met our nice guys the question is where do they come from? Geographically the question has a very generic answer; they come from all over the world. No one area seems to have a greater share of nice guys than the other areas, however, as far as famous nice guys the western United States seems to be producing more than others, or maybe there are just more books written about them.
In another sense however they all tend to come from homes that are what we would call ‘broken’. Their mothers’ marriage has a lot to do with their behavior as adults, as well as their feelings towards their mothers.
Norman Bates and his mother had an attention-grabbing relationship when he admits that a son is a poor substitute for a lover, and yet after his father dies his mother and him were inseparable all alone in that infamous house. When she finds herself an actual lover he couldn’t help but become jealous and angry at the prospect of being tossed aside. The guilt causes him to take on the “mother side” and have dual personalities for the rest of his life.
Ted Bundy and his mother had an interesting relationship in the early years of his life, they were brother and sister as far as the eyes of the community went and also even within the household, until at the age of 6 his “sister” moved him across the country away from the only parent’s he had ever known. She married a man by the last name “Bundy” and Ted took the name and soon made it infamous.
Albert DeSalvo and his mother had something in common; they were both abused by his father. Mr. DeSalvo would make the children watch as he beat their mother, shattering teeth and breaking fingers.
John Norman Collins may not be talking about his relationship with his mother but he likes to show how he feels about her by doing what the cops call ‘overkill’ with his victims. His father ran off when he was young and his mother married a second time for a short while. The third husband turned out to be abusive and an alcoholic and even though that marriage had ended when John was 9 years old it may have already been too late for his developing psyche.

Why Do They Finish Last?
We have already established the answer as to why the nice guys always finish last. If famous nice guys the world over are simply famous based upon the fact that they are creeps it’s a little understandable why nice young men in real society would have difficultly securing a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
As it would seem, nice guys aren’t always nice. Somehow they are driven to be pleasing to those around them, is it a façade or duel personalities? It may be the greatest strategic move ever, or some flaw in the mechanics of human existence. Everything about them may seem attractive and wholesome, but deep down something just doesn’t feel right, is it really possible to be that nice, or is it just in our nature as humans to expect that someone couldn’t be that nice, because everyone needs to have some flaws? Does the true “nice guy” even exist?
To all those “nice guys” out there who finish in last place in the race of life and dating: it’s a little difficult to finish first when you take a detour to kill an unsuspecting victim.