Chapter 37: Back to Screwed Up

I’m trying to resist the urge to move. Nothing is going on with the roommates or anything. Nothing’s wrong in that respect. But I just feel like it’s time to move on. I’m hoping that this feeling is just a need to get away for a while and I’m leaving next week to go on vacation for a week and hopefully that’s the only break I need.
I saw a moving van today; people outside packing up the last things of the house and you could look into the windows and see that there is nothing left in there. I felt like I could smell it, you know that smell of an empty house? Well, maybe it doesn’t smell like an empty house, but the smell I had in mind was the apartments we lived in and you do a complete scrub down before you move out. It was a mix of fresh spring air and cleaning supplies. Something about it was nice. In an empty house your footsteps echo as you walk around to collect the last items to put in the van, walk through one more time to soak in old memories and to give a last goodbye to a place that more than likely left you with many good memories. And to know that you will never return to that house, at least, not to live in, and not as the same person as you were. Maybe people leave because they don’t feel like they are the same people that they used to be; maybe they leave because they have changed and now they feel they need to change where they live.
I don’t know, all I could think was that it must be so nice to be moving. I know that I hate the whole not being settled part, but you’ve got to admit that there is a certain appeal to starting over. Coming into a bare house and making it yours and it will actually be clean for at least the first day after you’re completely settled in. I guess I’ve gotten into the habit of moving from so many years in school, having to move all the time and personally, even though I hated it part of me really liked it. I love “setting up”. Sometimes I rearrange my room to simulate the feeling of moving, but it’s not always the same and honestly, I don’t think it’s going to cover the bill this time.
At first I thought the reason I wanted to get away was because I lost my dog, I just wanted to move and forget I ever even had a dog. That may sound harsh, but maybe I deal with things differently than other people. I just, didn’t want to be here. I still don’t want to be here, I don’t really like hanging out in the house, mostly because no one is ever here. I used to love not having anyone home, now I can’t stand it. I don’t like this house like I used to. I’ve been thinking that I don’t have to leave Richmond, maybe find an apartment somewhere…I’d just have to find a roommate because I can’t afford to live in Richmond by myself. Unless I go ahead and change jobs too, there are plenty of jobs that have requirements that I fit that pay better then this…at least I think there are. The only problem would be in getting one of them.
I just don’t think I’m happy, and I know happiness is a long shot in everyday life and “content“ is probably what I should be settling for, but I don’t even feel that most times. Like I said before, hopefully this can be fixed with a vacation, if not, I’ll let you know.

Chapter 36: Have You Seen Me?

I’ve lost my dog…
I was really tired yesterday morning so I put him in the backyard and went back to bed, I’ve done this before, he’s always been fine. There’s no way for him to get out of our yard. Yet, he has. He’s no where to be found and I’m panicking. I have to go to work, I don’t feel like this is a justifiable reason to call in. I can only hope that for some crazy reason one of my neighbors have my dog in their home. My roommates have done a great deal to help out and even gone and asked neighbors, none have seen him, but hopefully he’s safely inside there. If not…then I don’t know.
I’m an idiot. What if he’s been kidnapped? He’s a boxer, people kidnap boxers. What if there is a crazy animal killer out there stealing puppies for their fur or something like that? What if I’m overreacting, worse, what if I’m not?
I was going to get him a tag on Saturday, but I didn’t have a tag for him yet. It’s like when you plan to make spare keys for your car and the day before you’re going to go do it you lose your keys, or lock them in the car.
I’m a bad owner. I surprise myself every time I start crying. I suppose you don’t realize how attached you are until you can no longer be attached. Now I am beginning to think that when I cried when my mouse died it was actually because I loved him. I just feel so stupid, why didn’t I sit outside with him and bring him back in with me? Why did I think it was okay to just let him loose in the backyard? He’s still too little, hasn’t walked his way around the neighborhood…at all, so how can he find his way home?
I remember when my friend from high school was very upset because she had to get rid of her dog and all I could think was that it was a blessing in disguise. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for her to get rid of the dog or why she was so attached to him. I was such a jerk.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes before but this is probably one of the biggest ones I’ve ever made, carrying regret equal to it in weight. Part of me feels like I’ve lost him forever and there’s a very small fraction that holds hope that he’s going to just show up at the front door, chaperoned or not, just scratch at the front door, I’ll open and he’ll come in and everything will be back to the way that it used to be, only I won’t be so stupid and careless this time. But I’ve always been a person who has squashed out my own hope because things hurt worse if hope accompanied them and they turned out to be fruitless. I’m trying to have hope though, belief that I will get to see my dog again, because part of me can’t believe that God would let me stay like this, doesn’t want to believe that he will. There’s another part of me that feels like if I don’t prove to God that I believe he can return my dog then he won’t, and I’m not that strong. I’ve always been a doubter I want to believe that no matter what my dog will come back in a week’s time, I want to prove that I knew God would do it. I don’t know how to let go of doubt and just believe.
Only God really knew how lonely I’ve been and I don’t want to think that He could let me go back to that. It’s stupid, I know, crying about a dog, but I can’t help it. I prayed a lot last night, begging, pleading, and waiting for some kind of answer or peace. But I don’t know if I can recognize peace or an answer. I finally e-mailed my sister this morning to let her know, I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that I could put that off as long as possible and that maybe the dog would return and I would never have to mention it to her. But I told the Lord last night that I figured he wanted me to tell her, and he probably wouldn’t return the dog until I did. I promised that even if the dog returned I would tell her, so I had to write a very difficult e-mail to her. I wish I could have tagged on at the end that the dog was safely home, just given a bath and sleeping next to me while I wrote…but I wasn’t able to do that.
In the meantime, I haven’t told many other people, my roommates may have, but I don’t like to tell people when things are wrong. I need them to not know that anything is wrong because then they can be my escape, they can help me forget, and they aren’t even trying to do that. They are just acting normal, and they help me feel normal. This is part of why I didn’t want to tell my sister about all of this; Because now I don’t know when I’m allowed to just be normal around her. Not that I just want to forget all of this, but sometimes I do. I like to be an emotional wreck in the privacy of my own room, and then to everyone else seem like nothing is wrong; but when they know something is wrong then I feel like I have to bring that private sadness to the public view, and I’m not a performer nor do I want to feel like one.
Is it odd that I feel like life is falling apart? I’m sure it doesn’t all have to do with the dog but I feel like there’s something more than just the dog missing. Maybe the dog is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m going to find myself slowing sinking in the middle of nowhere not knowing what to do.
I want to be alone, and yet I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t know how anyone could understand that right now but it’s how I feel. I came home last night to an empty house and I stayed in my car just crying. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to see anyone, but I didn’t want to be in the house alone.

Chapter 35: Spandex?

I’m not really in the mood to write today. But I feel a strange obligation to do so. Probably because Diva reads this now and she thinks that it’s time for more. More of what? What is it that is so fantastic about all of this? I think it’s more entertaining to the people who are living with the same characters that I am writing about. She is probably more entertained by Brutally Honest 2, as Sweet Pea is probably more entertained by the first one.
The problem with this entire thing is that the entire time I have actually been trying to be a better person and I think that when you reread everything that has been written you can tell that I have made some improvements. The downside to improving and becoming a better person is that you are likely to remove a lot of drama from your life, my life minus drama means that I just can’t be as interesting. I thrive on over-exaggerating the drama that lays within the threads of my discorded life.
You know, I think I need a new nemesis. Without a nemesis there is no hero. It’s not enough for a superhero to have cool powers without anyone to use them against. If all the superhero’s friends are in eminent danger of getting a paper cut at work, a fender bender on a crowded street, or their heart broken then there really isn’t much holding the interest of the readers. Would Spiderman have been as cool without Doc. Oct or Venom? Would Superman been as cool without Lex Luther and Kryptonite? No, they’d just be reduced to grown men wearing red and blue spandex. Sure they could fly or “web”, but why would anyone care beyond the initial jealousy that one feels every time they realize that they are genetically declined the ability to be uniquely endowed.
Without a nemesis what am I beyond a rambling, incoherent, individual with a computer and plenty of time to spare, not to mention some killer typing skills which helps me to write more in less time, even when I didn’t think I had much to say in the first place. Why is it that when I feel forced I can just write and write and write but have no idea what I am saying. Superheroes? I mean seriously, where did that come from? It’s true, but where did it come from?

Chapter 34: Different Dimensions

So...I went to my first concert tonight, it happened to be Weird Al at Innsbrook after hours, but it was a concert nonetheless. I'm not quite sure how to describe the experience. I'm not sure what is typical for a concert and what was probably special for this kind of concert.
I guess the only way to really begin is to just jump right in. If you've ever had the feeling of changing dimensions suddenly then you'll kind of know what it was like for me, tonight. However, the likelihood that you know what I am talking about when I say changing dimensions is slim to none unless you ever watched the show Sliders. It all started in line. I guess I actually knew before it all started a little of how it would all be, but I somehow suppressed it and still found myself surprised once I was in the mist of it all. To begin there seems to be a theme amongst the fan of Weird Al and the only way I can even really begin to describe it is, White and Nerdy. For anyone familiar with Weird Al they realize right there I have used a song title. And in that respect I've got to give Weird Al a hand, he knows his demographics. It only leaves the question, which came first, Weird Al or the White and Nerdy's? Did he create them or did they create him? Not too sure. Of course there were the exceptions, not all fans there tonight where White and Nerdy, there was the group of closely knit goth kids who I swore would start a mosh pit but never did, some Asians and a black guy. That's right..."a" black guy. Just one. There were a whole lot of kids though, which means he has parental approval...or that his audience consisted mostly of white trash folk, the kind who would take their children to the bar in their PJs so they can still have a beer or two with some friends. Did I mention the girl wearing the cat ears? Yeah, jury's still out on that one. Don't worry, I took lots of pictures, however, it's all a matter of if I can get them on the blog...we'll see. I got a picture of a kid, whom I'll call Christopher Robins, as he scooped up water from a giant puddle with his mom's umbrella...she seemed pretty pissed about it. We had a security guard frisk our camping chairs, I don't even want to get into what his emotional problems may be. Randomly a collection of children grew to the side of the line. I'm not sure how many of these children actually knew each other, but it's odd how children do that. Adults don't do that, they don't say, "Hey, looks like someone my age let's see if they want to play." But children will gather in any groups, wherever and whenever they can...I wonder what makes them do that? Do you think it's because they are all shorter?
We (my roommate, Diva went too :) finally got our seats and sat down to enjoy the festivities. Long before the performance began a man with long brown hair and wearing a white shirt was getting escorted out by a police officer! Who was met by another police officer and together they took this man by one arm behind his back presumably out of the concert. The concert hadn't even started and things were already getting heated up! I could tell that there was going to be trouble with such a large group of disgruntled Weird Al fans who were told that the gates would open at 6 but didn't actually open until 7 and the show which was supposed to start at 7 hadn't yet started by 7:30.
In the meantime I drank in my surroundings. We had people sporting the "White and Nerdy" sweatshirts, a woman who was putting on lipstick, I could only assume in preparation for seeing Weird Al, because let's face it, we all want to look good for him in case we get the chance to kiss him. Then her boyfriend/husband came over and she helped him fix his handlebar mustache. Then there was a kid who couldn't have been more then 10 but I've been wrong before sporting his cell phone (look for upcoming blog entitled "The deterioration of the moral fibers of our society"). There was even a guy who wore a shirt openly admitting that he lived with zombies. Not quite sure what that means or how deep that is supposed to be. But maybe he feels that his roommates can't think for themselves and they are just the zombies of society, buying what they are told to buy, liking what they are told to like...I know, I know I'm giving the shirt too much credit.
We got to sit in front of a group of teenagers (I think they were teenagers) who almost peed their pants when the accordion was brought on to the stage. The people at the concert seemed to idolize Weird Al...which to me is just a foreign concept. Yes, I'll admit the guy has some talent, you ever hear how fast he can talk? But this is just creepy.
Once the music started it really got interesting. We had Hot Pants, sporting some hot pink shorts and some amazing hips who I could easily picture being one of those individuals who sways like crazy even if it's just a slow song. She would get those hips going without thinking about her surroundings and when she bumped into a chair she would turn around with a pissed off look on her face, but that didn't last long as she realized that she was the only one involved in the confrontation. She really got into though, several times I looked to her for the entertainment instead of the stage.
It really came full circle when he sang a song about Star Wars and I looked around at the group and realized, yes, this would probably be the same group. Trekies and Star Wars wanna-bes. It's okay to want to be a Jedi...when you're 6, but pretty much, anything beyond 12 years old should have probably moved on from that and made the connection that being a Jedi is just not a career option. It was just...another dimension, I really can't think of any other way to put it. As he sang his parodies and I watched an older couple in front of me sing along to a song that was a parody of a Rage Against the Machine song, I thought to myself that Weird Al is their connection to real music...without the burden of being too cool. Would these people ever listen to a Rage Against the Machine song? Probably not, even though it's the same tune and same tone, just different subject matter.
You want to know what else? There's something odd about older people dancing. It's like a really bad car accident, you've got to slow down and watch. I don't know if it is honestly because they can't dance or if it's just because we don't expect them to. Have they lost their rhythm? Has anyone ever seen an older person break into dance moves and think, "Wow, they've really got it!"? And I don't mean people you're used to seeing that way. It doesn't count if it's one of the Rolling Stones or someone whom you'd expect that kind of dancing from.
At one point in the concert I see the arrested man make is grand return. It wasn't so grand, he just walked past and seemed to go back to his original group...but did he sneak back in? He was hard core, so were the goth/emo/something kids, who at one point got so excited they were all holdings hands...at least that's how I remember it. Oh and the glow sticks! They threw up their arms on more then one occasion with the glow sticks and swayed them back and forth. But I got to hear "Amish Paradise", "White and Nerdy", "Eat It", and "Fat"...it would have been complete with "Oreo"...but oh well, we 80's children can't have it all you know!!
All in all this was better then the late night Denny trips to Idaho Falls, and that's a hard thing to top.

Chapter 33: Public Enemy

So Non-friend and I had our first fight. We’ve known each other for at least 7 years and we had our first fight today. I’m not good with fights; it stems from my bad communication skills. The only way I know how to fight can be pretty dirty and usually is very damaging to the relationship. I either say something I’ll regret, or they say something that they should/will regret because I’ll go to ignore mode. Either way I have a very hard time letting fights go. Non-friend seemed fine when I first saw him today and then not long after I was up in the break room with him and I was telling him how I locked myself out of my office. I went and finally got it unlocked and went back to sit with him. He was reading the paper so I picked up the Classifieds and looked at some of the cars. I don’t think I did anything out of the ordinary, and I can’t place where I pissed him off, but he was being incredibly rude today. He said that I was aggravating him (which to me is a pretty strong word, you only say that when you’re really upset with someone) and then he got up to throw something away and asked if I was going to cry. (Not in a, “Wow, I think I’m being an ass, did what I say come across rude, I’m sorry” way, but in a, “I’m being an ass today, and this is just the beginning” way.) I told him ‘no’ but then I felt like maybe the desired effect was to have me cry. I forget the sequence of events but I finally just ended up getting up out of my seat and telling him that I was leaving and I would see him later as I walked away.
What did I do to him? The worst part would be my original thoughts of what to say to him next time I see him. If he should try to apologize I feel like just shrugging it off and asking him, “Why bother?” since according to him we were never really friends to begin with. I mean, why try so hard to maintain something that doesn’t even exist? The other part of me feels like he needs to apologize, and if he doesn’t then I just ignore and avoid. It’s easy enough to do. And it’s probably what I will do since I have a pretty good feeling he won’t apologize. It just makes me angry because no matter if it was me or if it was something else bothering him he shouldn’t be handling it this way. If it’s something else he shouldn’t be taking it out on me like that, and since we aren’t friends I don’t have to take that crap. If it’s something I did to him then he needs to learn to just tell me.
I’m just trying really hard lately to have a good attitude about things, about my whole life right now. I’m doing pretty good most of the time but every once in a while someone comes along and just puts a big dent in it, and to be honest it’s mostly coming from this store. Sometimes I think maybe it’s time to look for a new job.
I think I made my manager nervous last night because I was saying how I’m taking a class this summer and also when she was talking about contracts for teachers and how some of them make you stay on for 4 years sometimes, I said that I didn’t like contracts because I don’t like to make long term commitment. I didn’t say it with the intent for her to read into it and worry about if I’m looking for another job or not, but in a way it’s a good thing that she knows it could be coming. I was hoping to do it when the kid who took my place as a part-timer got trained, but he came with an expiration date so that’s a no go. It’s coming though because to be honest, I’d rather be in an office during the summer, getting my 8 hours everyday, whether or not I have something productive to do. I don’t want to have to account for every single minute. I’d rather just be on the clock and have the clock say whether or not I worked eight hours. I also am kind of tired with the people that I have to be around, and the fight with Non-friend didn’t help to make me feel anymore comfortable at that store.
Sometimes I just wish that I were a teenager again. There were a lot less problems then; it just didn’t seem that way to me at the time. Life was definitely different back then, I can’t say if it was better or not, just different.
I think I need to go make a visit to my happy place.

Chapter 32: Well That's Not Going To Hold Up In Court

So I have this thing apparently with 17 year olds. We were hitting 50% as of December. There was one 17 year old in love with me and I was in love with a different 17 year old. I know I have problems. I don’t really want to bother with how this shouldn’t even be happening. I just want to get on with my story.
Now, at my new store there is this kid, I remember him from before I started working there. I had helped out training there one day and all I remembered about him was that he had the nicest eyes I had ever seen! So when I started working there it wasn’t hard to remember that I had seen him before. Of course, trying to rid myself of bad karma I didn’t really bother trying to get to know him, because when a guy has the prettiest eyes you’ve ever seen you’re bound to want to just look at them all the time. But he slowly got to know me. He would say something to me here or there when we ran into each other in the store. I think I got the stamp of approval one night we he said something about shooting himself because he was so bored and I told him to wait until he got home so we wouldn’t have to clean up the mess. Apparently my sick humor attracts some people. I may have made a mistake a couple of weeks ago. I gave him a gold star (they are pins that we get for doing something good and he had brought a trainee upstairs for me so I wouldn’t have to). I gave him a little too much attention with that I suppose. Then he starts coming over to me and “bumping” into me. Let me just put a disclaimer that I’m not good at flirting and I’m not good at telling when people are flirting with me. But I can tell that this is kid is a flirtatious little twerp. He has a strange way of making me feel a little uncomfortable and a little flattered at the same time. He’s the kind of kid that a married woman would have an affair with. It’s supposed to be a compliment but I realize that it probably doesn’t come out that way. He just makes me think of characters in books that have had affairs with older women. He’s just that kind of charmer I suppose, and to be honest, I almost feel like the married woman in the stories. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s just that I feel like maybe I like him and I know that I shouldn’t, and I also feel like he knows that I like him. Which is exactly how it is in any story where a woman has an affair with a younger man; the worst thing is when they realize that the woman likes them.
I can’t go to straight ignore so that I don’t bother myself with this kid, I was never good at going to straight ignore mode when someone didn’t do something to piss me off. I just have to be careful what I say and do to this kid and I have to resist the urge to flirt back when he flirts with me and then maybe one day either he or I will quit and that will be that. I will keep you abreast of any further developments.

Chapter 31: You're Not The Boss of Me

It’s one of those writing nights I can feel it. It’s not because my roommate has ditched out on me and chosen a guy over me. That doesn’t really bother me, I honestly could care less. I have just been feeling this way most of the day. The first hint to me is that I didn’t sing along with my music while driving today. That means I’m too contemplative to even open my mouth and sing along, which in turn just makes me feel like maybe I am depressed. I love singing along to my music.
At work today I was talking to my friend and while we were talking the thought came into my mind, “how many conversations could you really have about the same topic?” How many times can you repeat the same conversation, just not verbatim? You just beat the common interest into the ground until you are left sitting there wondering how many years you were friends based on weak conversations scattered here and there.
Which in turn just depressed me. Well, it just made me more contemplative which made it seem to those around me that I had quite possibly become depressed in a matter of seconds.
And while I’m thinking about repetitive conversations I am also trying to figure things out with this friend. I call him a friend but he is apparently the Non-friend. At least he stands by that. One summer when I was home from school we had a conversation about guys and girls being friends and he made the statement that guys and girls can’t be friends. This is a guy that I would spend a lot of time conversing with at work and I had assumed we were friends and I said, “Well we’re friends right?” and he said, “no”. His whole take on things is that guys and girls can’t be friends because one of them is always going to like the other one whether or not it is reciprocated. The whole sexual tension thing gets in the way of there ever being a good friendship. I of course stand on the other side of the argument because I have had friendships where I am not interested in the guy and the guy is certainly not interested in me. We are just friends. Years later I still stand by my side and he is standing by his side.
When I took the job as a trainer at the store I’m at he happened to be working there so we started to pick up conversations again. He came in once and ate lunch with me on my break. I bought him a birthday dessert (just one person…what does he need a whole cake for?). We have been talking constantly and yet he is still holding firm to the idea that we are not and can not be friends. I have called him socially inept (there is certainly more then one reason for that). Lately it’s been more than just conversation. We both really like this one show but I am always working when it comes on and every week he is asking if I saw it and he’s laughing about how funny it was and I never get to see it! So one night he says that he can e-mail the latest episode to me. So I give him my e-mail address and the next day I had gotten an e-mail message saying that he wasn’t able to do it but he would keep trying. Then he said that he had the episode on his computer he just needed to get his hands on a burner. A few weeks later he buys a burner and a day or two after that he has a DVD for me with a few episodes on it. Before I left work that day he had come back to work to drop off another DVD for me. Granted I haven’t been able to get either of them to work on my computer, but that’s not his problem, that’s mine. Needless to say I am left wondering, knowing his philosophy on how guys and girls can’t be friends, what does that make us? It leaves two options, he is either assuming that I am the one with feelings for him or he is the one with feelings for me. Because by his rules we can’t simply be friends.
Oh, and also, I randomly got an e-mail message from him the other day and he was saying how he liked my quotes page (a long while ago I was playing around with HTML and made a webpage and one of the links was a page with my favorite movie quotes). This means he must have googled my name on a random night and found that webpage. I haven’t even touched that page in over two years.
He told me the other day that he likes how I repeat the exact way he says something. Like when we are having one of our more dynamic conversations and I do the woman thing and use his own words against him. I figured it was a compliment and he told me later that it was, apparently he likes that. So today we were talking and he was telling me about a customer that I had been helping earlier. I was trying to train two individuals and a customer had asked me to help him a little bit with his shopping list. I figured it wouldn’t take long so I did it but it ended up taking half an hour, if not more. Non-friend came up and asked if he could help us find something and then asked if I had trainees. I told him I did and he said that he’d take over so I could get back to work. Then he just explained to the customer what was up. When we were talking he told me that the customer had said that he didn’t “want to hold that pretty girl up from doing her work.” I used this as an opportunity to pull out one of his phrases and I can’t remember how he used it, I just remember that he used it and said, “I’m surprised you didn’t say, ‘yeah she’s not ugly’”. I don’t even remember if he used the “not ugly” line on me or while telling me about some other girl that he saw somewhere but I felt like it was a good slot to throw in some of his words. It is just one of the many reasons I call him socially inept, with all the words he knows he can’t just says someone is pretty he’s got to say that they’re “not ugly”. Okay, so maybe I am beginning to like him a little bit. But that can’t end well, whenever I start to like someone I start to act differently around them and then before long I have pushed them away and out of my life just for good measure. I don’t want to end up with Non-friend actually being a non-friend. I doom myself to Buddy land, I realize this, but in some situations it is the only option. Because of this I refuse to bring up the contradiction in his theory about girls and boys not being able to be friends, because I’m afraid if I confront him about it then I will be given a truth that I am not actually prepared for and that in my immaturity will not handle well.
So I have all of that kind of on my mind. But that’s not it, there’s more in the mix leading to me being so pensive.
Power corrupts, and what bugs me the most is when it corrupts an individual whom you expected would be an ally and the one who would best understand your situation. I suppose for some people it may be easy to forget the unity of understanding and to forget what it was like for them when they were in your spot. I understand that this is bound to happen, I mean, it happens to each of us, or most of us I should say. As we grow from child to adult we forget how it was to honestly not know or comprehend certain things. But this process of forgetting takes years to get through. When we are throwing in time frames here what is a good adjustment period? Three months? I personally think that is too soon. You should still know what it was like. Yes, I’m talking about one person in particular and it happens to be the person whose job I took when she stepped down from it. She works in the same store with me and lately she has just been a bitch, and not just to me but to the people working in the store with her. It’s not an “I’m such a bitter individual” thing going on here, it’s more of a, “now I have the power you do what I say” thing. She is constantly coming up to me talking to me about new people and complaining about it, and of course blaming me for anything that they do. Some things are not training related, some people just make mistakes. No one is perfect, but when they make a mistake it does not mean that there is a line of responsibility to follow, a mistake is a mistake, and it is not due to bad training. I will be the first one to admit that I am not the world’s greatest trainer, but I’m not an idiot either! Lately she has even been telling me that I need to call certain people because they didn’t show up for work. Excuse me? Just because I trained them does not make me their mother and I almost even told her that today because she was pissing me off. She had me call this girl the other day even though she had already worked in the store for a day. I made the phone call and it turns out that the front end manager already knew what was going on and she hadn’t talked with him. None of them communicate with each other and for some reason it falls on me, it’s not my fault they can’t tell each other what is going on, it’s got nothing to do with me. Then today she was telling me that I had to call this other girl because she didn’t show up today. I guess I gave her a look and she said, “well, she’s still JSD right now because she hasn’t had her first day.” I simply told her that other stores don’t have that kind of opportunity to have me call their associates. Then she got an attitude and said that if there was going to be a tiff because of it then never mind. I told her there wasn’t a tiff; I would call her if she wanted me to, but only as a favor not because it was my responsibility. I call the girl who wasn’t even scheduled to come today because it’s her prom and she’s going to it. I ask her if she had been given a first day and she said that all she had was the schedule she had from the store for next week. So I told her to go ahead and just come on her first scheduled day. I went and told D-bag what the girl had said and then she acts like it’s my fault this girl wasn’t scheduled for an official first day! I just train the people, I don’t make their schedule, and I don’t call them if they don’t show up for work because it’s not training! She goes ahead and corrects it on the schedule, like I really give a damn. I’m sick and tired of looking like a fool because these guys can’t talk to each other and properly run their front end. ‘Cause guess what? I’m not a front end associate, I have nothing to do with the front end of that store, I help them out when I can bag groceries and get on register, but I am not theirs. I don’t belong to them and they can’t tell me what to do.
I don’t like being bossed around; it’s not one of my favorite things. The way that things are going I’m bound to just pull her aside and let her have it. I feel like reminding her that she had this same situation happen to her at a store that she used to train at, and she told me that she didn’t like when the manager there would boss her around like he was her manager, and I feel like I have to tell her that she’s not my manager and she needs to back off! How quickly can she forget that she was in my spot, she knows that these mistakes people make have nothing to do with her training, and she damn well knows that calling people because they didn’t come to work is not the trainer’s responsibility. She sugar coats it by saying that I’m a friendly voice. Guess what? I don’t care, what these new people need is to have their front end management make the call and get to know them because all I can do is get the information for them, if they have a problem with the information what the hell am I supposed to do? I don’t run their front end, I can’t tell people when to come and when to go. I’m not anyone’s manager. I am in charge of these people for a day or two and then that’s it.
D-bag isn’t even a manager, she’s what they call a “fill-in” and that means that she’s just a cashier who fills in as a manager when they need the extra help. But she’s pissing off people left and right and I’m certainly one of them on the list.
And you want to know something? It does kind of piss me off that my roommate said that she would be here tonight and that we were going to hang out and she has chosen to do something else and never bothered to even tell me about it! I am just fed up with people right now.
If that weren’t enough I have recently discovered that my family is more dysfunctional than I originally thought. As if a cousin who can be both Jack and Diane in one lifetime, an aunt and uncle who both served time in prison and family members on one side trying to kill their spouses weren’t enough evidence. It pretty much just boils down to my sister-in-law right now. And the fact that I had to say “right now” just makes me feel like this family of mine is always suffering in some form or another. The good news and the silver lining here is that my brother and his wife have finally decided on a house, they made an offer and they got it! So in less than a month they will be moving out of my parent’s house and left alone to their crumbling marriage and family. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel sorry for my brother, but his bed is made and the rest of the family shouldn’t have to continue to suffer because of it. I wish things were different for him, I still hope the best for him, but part of me hopes that his wife gets whacked on the head, gets amnesia and either leaves him or straightens up and starts to act like a woman who actually loves her family.
You know, with all this pent up anger I’m still reeling at why God would want someone like me in the Relief Society presidency. He sure does have a sick sense of humor doesn’t he? I think we would get along really well.

Chapter 30: Anniversaries

We are coming up on Memorial Day, and that day marks the one year anniversary of when I moved into this house. The will make it the longest period of time I have lived in one place since I graduated high school, six years ago. Of six years of developing the habit to pack up and move about every 8 months this is a strange sensation. Yet, I don’t feel the need (right now) to pack up and move. I was talking to a friend yesterday who is getting ready to move with a friend from church to a new house and it got me to thinking that I don’t have to live with these girls until a life changing event occurs. Sometimes you just move, and you can live with any one you like. It feels weird. Granted, moving out to live with someone else from church would create a bit of drama, and I have to admit, right now there is no one I would rather live with then these three girls.
It’s not that people aren’t trying. Well, most people aren’t and mostly that’s due to the fact that I still don’t know that many people in the ward. My sister-in-law is certainly trying but I think she’s overlooked one important little factoid, I can’t stand her or her two daughters. I love my brother, I’m not too happy about his choice in a wife. I don’t think she married because she was in love, I think she married because it’s her survival instinct. The children? Well, she doesn’t really want them, that’s just her idea of what’s supposed to happen. She doesn’t pay enough attention to them, but she “dotes” on them because that’s what the perfect mom would do. Dotes…not showering them with attention, but buying them whatever their hearts desire. She takes them to get their pictures professionally taken every stinking holiday. But she won’t stay home with them, she’d rather put them in daycare and work then take care of them. She has a two year old who I’m pretty sure has never had her diaper changed by her mom. She hasn’t gone outside to play with them since she’s been here, and the one time she went on a walk with them (and my sisters and cousins) she was on the cell phone barely paying attention.
One big mistake that she has made is that she doesn’t realize how vindictive my sisters and I can be. We out number her, we have sharper tongues and we aren’t afraid to use them. I’m not afraid to smack my niece, I haven’t done it, but if one of my nieces ever hits me or hits Burrito or my nephew one more time I swear I will walk right up to them and slap them across the face…or at least spank them. Their mom gives them options and to me with children there are no options…there is “do”, and they will “do”. What my sister’s and I hate the most is how she treats my brother. Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like my brother and she overworks him and abuses him and doesn’t care that she has a good thing and one day she may lose it. I hope one day she does lose him. She pays no attention to the fact that he is exhausted. He works all day, when he comes home she bosses him around the moment he tries to just sit down, and where is her lazy ass? On the couch. Watching T.V. or napping, she is so much like Thorn that it’s unbelievable, and the women in this family don’t like to put up with Thorn and we don’t like to put up with this sister-in-law either.
And still, she tries to get me to move in with them when they finally get their house. I have a dog now and she was asking how my roommates like him and if they are going to let me keep him and she told me that if they didn’t I could always move in with them. Hell no! I don’t like her daughters touching my dog. So the other day she asked how it was going and I said that all my roommates really like him and even Motor Mouth said she didn’t have a problem with him and she was going to be the hardest one. She seemed disappointed. I doubt because she actually likes me and wants me to live there because while I may not be good at reading people I can read right through her, I know she doesn’t like any of us girls. She’s just ticked she won’t be getting rent from me.