And I got what I got all despite you and I get what I get just to spite you.

Okay, it's been a while and it's not like I really have time on my hands to do this, but I am going to do it because I love you guys.

So Wednesday morning I put my facebook status as, something like I'm excited for the concert. Cause I was. If people reply to this it's no biggie, because I put it out there. Don't e-mail me at work and hound me about it. So of course this means that nosey SFHB e-mails me and asks me what concert I'm going to and who with. She e-mailed me in the morning and I waited until 4:58 to write her back and tell her that I was going to see "Against Grace". I did not inform her who with.

I felt bad about this, not in the sense that I was going to apologize or that I worried about her feelings. It was the kind of bad you feel in retrospect and also not the kind where you feel bad for the person. It was the feel bad because if anyone else had asked I don't think I would be as upset/annoyed. Like when Diva asked if I wanted to hang out with her because we would both be in UT at the same time she threw in that she knows I don't like to do that but was asking anyway. I wrote back and told her we could (and I really think it would be fun) and that I don't actually mind hanging out with people from home when I'm across the country (really how many people can actually do that!?) it just applied to SFHB. I'm a rotten person...what can be done?

More writing I suppose.
So this morning she e-mails me and asks me how it was and I write back and said that I had a lot of fun and am a little in love with the band. I also tell her that I'll post the pictures tonight. I felt like that was substantial information. But when I got back from lunch there was an e-mail from her. She asked again who I went with and the little brat in my head is telling me to just not write back. She'll find out when she sees the pictures! I don't know why I'm so prideful on this issue. Seriously, I should just say, "Diva and Petunia. What now!?"

...can I do it? I don't know.

Is it okay if I talk a lot today?

Mondo Mania = Mondo Drama.
This weekend we had the Mondo Mania party, where my friend (the Musician I think I named her) makes Mondo buns (cinnamon rolls) and we eat them. Simple enough right? This isn't high school, so there really shouldn't be any drama involved in having people over to stuff their faces, and yet, that's what happened. It wasn't so much during the party or directly after it, it was Sunday morning. So Bball man still e-mails me, I have flat out told him that I don't see him that way so I'm not in the least worried about e-mailing him. I can do that without leading him on because I have said clearly that there's nothing there (I am stating this now because who knows, people surprise you sometimes with their intelligence (or lack there of at times)). So he e-mailed me Saturday, asked how my day went, told me about his (this is what we do every day...except when I don't respond every day because I don't feel I should have to, it gets annoying having the same conversation over and over again). Oh, but one day before that he wrote and asked if I was mad at him because I didn't seem as talkative lately...this isn't the first time he has asked if I am mad at him and I feel like saying, "what does it matter?" Cause it doesn't. I wrote back and just explained that sometimes I go through phases where I don't talk as much, and I don't even notice I'm doing it. Then I told him that if I was mad at him I would tell him. So hopefully he'll stop asking. It's just annoying to me, I don't know what about it makes it that way, but I can't stand it, not just with him, but I've had other guys act this way and it just pushes me further from them.
So I write him about my Saturday and then tell him I should get going. (P.S. he wasn't on the invite list for Mondo Mania...and let me explain why. I was going to add him but then I decided first that he probably wouldn't come, second that he might take it too personally that I did invite him (I was afraid he would read more into it than it was because lets face it, he's done that before), and thirdly I decided to just keep it to the regulars, I didn't invite one other person for the same reason. It wasn't me trying to be exclusive, honestly, I wouldn't care if they came, but as far as sending out invites I decided not to. There are several other people too, I just figured that they wouldn't come so I didn't waste the energy.
So Saturday night he writes back and says he understands about the phases and such and then he tells me that he heard I was having a get together at my house Saturday and was wondering why I didn't invite him.
I got the e-mail Saturday night, and I let it go until I got home Sunday night (I didn't feel like dealing with it). So Sunday night I write back and tell him pretty much the truth, I just have regulars I'm used to inviting and went through the list looking for their names and honestly just didn't even think about it. I told him I was sorry (the kind that I don't really mean because I'm a heartless jerk apparently) and said that next time I have something I'll make sure he is on the "invite list" and I told him that I'm not an exclusive get together-er, I don't care who comes. Or something like that. I also told him what we did and talked about how I spent most of my time talking to my friend from N.C. (which is true, until she left and then I wandered again).
So he e-mails me back like an hour later and says, "I was just curious I'm not mad at you (wasn't worried about that) but that's not what I heard." or something like that. It bothered me the way it was written "but that's not what I heard." and I am wondering, is he questioning why I didn't invite him? That I hung out with my N.C. friend most of the time? That that's what we did? Either way in essence he has called me a liar (or at least that's how I am reading into it at the moment) I started to write back and then realized that I was angry at him...like when someone hits me and tells me that it doesn't hurt. I guess I'm angry because I was honest for the most part, I didn't try to keep it a secret from him, I just didn't think to tell him.
Does that make any sense? So I am curious and will be asking him what he means, or what did he hear (if only I could figure out what he was referring to not having heard the way I described it, then I would have an easier time knowing what exactly to say). He'll say it doesn't matter, I'll say it does, and then if he doesn't tell me I'll stop talking to him. This isn't a plan I just came up with, this is experience....because I'm that rotten person I was telling you about. But if he's going to bring it up then it did matter, to him at least, and so I should have a chance to defend myself, not that I care what he thinks of me or my actions.
Maybe that's the real root of my frustration, I honestly don't care, but I feel so confrontational! I think I have just had a hankering to have it out with this guy, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's the little things he says like this, his neediness, his paranoia that I am angry at him if I don't respond within 24 hours, the way he gets upset at me if I don't talk to him when I see him, the way he tries to make me feel bad for what I have done or not done! I don't like when people get clingy, and that's kind of what he is doing. Man! I don't even know if I'm making any sense right now because that's what happens when I get upset and want to beat someone up...well, that's what happens to me all the time whether or not I want to beat the crap out of someone. I just need to let it go, but I know I won't, because deep down I want to burn a bridge or something, though I also know that wouldn't be a good idea because I am going to be seeing this guy around at basketball games and when the boys and I start playing on Thursday nights again. *Deep Breaths*

To distract me let's talk about good stuff.

Yesterday was ward conference. It was sad a little at first because 5 minutes after the hour the members of the ward were outnumbered by the members of the stake, and there weren't a whole lot of them there. We just seemed to be having a lot of people taking vacation from church yesterday. The talks were good, though to be honest at this point I can't really remember it. It was of course sprinkled with dating stuff here and there, but it wasn't the overall message (thank goodness because I had already had my fill of that for the weekend, one girl went off on guys near the end of the Mondo-Mania and I had to get up and leave because I realized that somehow I was listening to the same conversation that I have heard countless times since I graduated college and joined the singles ward).
At the end the Stake President told us that the ward would be moving to Monument. Shocked!! I mean, there have been rumors for years now that we would be moving there, especially when Tuckahoe dissolved and only one ward was using that building. We maintain the current stake we are in, because as he said, "He couldn't bare to let us go" or something along those lines which actually made me feel good because sometimes I feel like the singles are a ward that people are trying to pass off on each other. So...it's all just pretty exciting. I couldn't be fully excited because Charmer's sister was sitting next to me and she lives a few miles from the building we currently meet at and she will now begin to experience Sundays the way I have for over two years. I don't feel like she should have to, but at the same time, I have...does that makes sense? P.S. Charmer's sister needs her own name because she's going to probably be one of my B.F.F.s she's so awesome. (Got it! Lulu) Anyway.
Second hour the Stake Presidency spoke to us and the Relief Society stake presidency spoke to the guys (I would just love to know what they talked about). It was pretty good and President Witt told us how about when they talk to the guys they tell them to stop seeking perfection because no one is perfect. He also said that if you want something you have to be that something. So he challenged us to work on either stopping something we shouldn't be doing, or beginning to do something that we should be. I felt good about that, mostly because for once in my life I was a few steps ahead. Because of my resolutions I had already been working on doing things that I hadn't been doing before, and because of conference last fall I was working on stopping things I shouldn't be doing. I have a long, long way to go and its difficult every time, but I am trying. Lets just pretend I didn't vent up at the top there and we're doing good!

Wrong Side of the Bed

You know when you wake up on the "wrong side of the bed" and everything seems to be going wrong from the get-go? I thought today was going to be fine, it started out okay, with the exception of waking up at 7:50 (work starts at 8:30). The morning seemed to be going well, or you know, at least all right. Pup had a blond moment in the backyard this morning (one where he doesn't move for several minutes he just looks at me, but even though he seems mentally incapable I still can't let my guard down because the moment I move in on him he'll run for the exit). Even with that I still felt like it would be okay, it's Friday, how can a Friday not be good?

...When it feels like a Monday that's how. Or when you have a boss (bless her heart) who forgets that she didn't tell you everything, because despite the amount of words she repeated when she was asking you to do something she didn't say that little bit that she's going to get upset with you for not doing...even though you didn't know to do it. And it's not like you can tell your boss off and say, "Look, you didn't tell me that part." Instead you have to say, "I don't remember that I'm sorry." I do remember that not being said but how can I tell you that?

The whole story being that yesterday she wanted me to talk to maintenance about lighting zones...which on its own kind of ticked me off. She wanted me to contact them and see what we could do for accounting and their light sensors (we have lights that turn off after long periods of inactivity). The reason it ticks me off is that about a week ago I presented to her a similar problem for a woman downstairs. I told her that she had called me stating that she works late a lot of evenings and the lights go off on her, she has to walk all the way around to the sensor, and then get back to work. It's annoying (I haven't had it happen to me but it sure does sound annoying when you are trying to work right?) Well Boss Lady informed me that there was nothing we could do for her. So to go into her office yesterday and be told to contact maintenance about doing something for accounting because they have the same problem bothered me. I wanted to ask her about this woman, but didn't.

So I contacted them and this morning after I ran up 8 flights of stairs one of the maintenance men was standing at the receptionist counter. So out of breath I try to talk to him and I walk him down the hall to Accounting. There are two sensors on either side of the accounting work stations. Maintenance Man said that he would extend the length of time the lights were on and we talked to the Accounting Man about the lights for a few minutes. Then we turned to leave. I stopped off at my desk, I heard Boss Lady say 'hello' to Maintenance Man and then she came over to my desk. I tell her what we had been talking about and then she said, "But he was supposed to come talk to me about that, remember I told you to tell them to come up and talk to me." Uh....no you didn't, and here's how I know that it's not to be blamed on my faulty memory. Because if you had told me that you wanted them to come talk to you I would have told them to do that. As much as I think the maintenance guys are nice and all, it's not my favorite thing to have to talk to anyone about business. So if you had wanted to talk about it to them I would have been more than happy to pass it off.

So she gives me this deer in headlights look for a bit because when she asked if I remembered I tried to pull off a sincere, "Oh I don't," rather than a, "Do you remember?" and then I say, "Well he might still be at the elevator. So instead of rushing off to it she gets in the way of me rushing off and we miss the guy. I tell her I can have him come back up and she says she'll talk to Accounting Man first, then she ends up going to find Maintenance Man by herself. She succeeds and I hope that's the end of it for me because really, I'm not in the mood for it today and it's only 9:15 in the morning.

It's Movie Making Time!

Last year F.H.E. divided up into smaller groups and made short little movies. Then we all gathered together and watched them while dressing up in our best Goodwill finds and eating popcorn. It went over pretty well and most (not all) but most of the movies were pretty good.

Given that, they've decided to do it again. I was hoping to be in the same group as last year, but Spielberg told me that I had gotten picked before he could pick me (could be a lie....not sure). Then he told me whose group he thought I was in. So I asked that person and they said 'no', then Spielberg told me the other group he thought I was in, asked them...'no'. Finally I just went to Actuary and asked her. She knew whose group everyone was in. I'm in Kermie's group.

So Monday night I'm supposed to meet the group at Kermie's house at 7. I didn't end up leaving my house until 7 and he lives on the other side of the river. So after taking the wrong turn 3 or 4 times I finally get to his house at 7:30. I cautiously approach the door because I figure in Kermie's group we will be starting on time. I slowly open it, I hear a male voice which kind of sounds familiar but not quite. I slip into the room hoping not to interrupt what I think is the lesson only to have everyone fully acknowledge that I am there by yelling out my name. I glance quickly at 6 people in the room. I'm fine with everyone except the couch dweller, N.T.R.

I immediately take the seat next to Kermie rather than on the couch and N.T.R. introduces me to his friend who is sitting on the couch next to him. I say 'hello' and then look around wondering why nothing is happening. N.T.R. proceeds to tell me that I'm looking fine tonight...okay, maybe he didn't say fine, but whatever he said was the equivalent. Then he said something about how I always look that way and I told him to stop it. Just flat out, 'okay we're done'. Then his friend who I quickly found is just as loud as N.T.R. says, "I bet you say that to her every time you see her." ...hello, I'm still in the room. N.T.R. laughs and says he does and then his friend chides him, telling him that maybe if he didn't come on so strongly he'd have a girlfriend by now. Sure hope he didn't mean me because no matter what that's not a role I'm willing to take on.

Kermie's love bug gives us the lesson which goes over relatively well, there are a few snags from the audience but I'm not here to talk about that. Let's get down to the movie. So Kermie first asks if anyone has any ideas, we all pretty much respond that we didn't know we were supposed to be thinking of things; my reason why I said that was because I asked him Sunday if we should be thinking of things and he said they pretty much had an idea already. But I applaud his efforts to sound like he was open to suggestions. Then he presents his idea, and it's really pretty funny.

I kept getting the idea that he thinks I was in his group last year because he kept saying things like, "Remember last year" or "You did that well last year". I wasn't sure if he thought I did it well for his group or if he heard that I did well in my group last year. But I wasn't going to say anything (Kind of how earlier that day the C.F.O. at work called me Jennifer, natural reaction is to say, 'Jessica' and I usually do it quickly. I bit my tongue and when he came over later and apologized because he thought he called me 'Jennifer' earlier I lied and said that it happens a lot so I didn't even notice. Yes, it happens a lot, but I always notice). Oops, random. Going back.

So in our film there is room for a lot of random things to happen and a lot of creative ideas to be presented. I actually have a part in the film (its a secret as to what my part is) and I am also the caterer, and I am the assistant soundtrack coordinator. Despite the turn out of 7 people we are supposed to have close to 30 people in the group, so the parts we were coming up with need to be filled by these extras, but we need a main guy and girl who will be there every week. The two main characters are going on a date, so they are 'date man' and 'date woman'...highly creative names. We were trying to figure out who should be the date man, and I felt that Kermie and Love-bug should be since they are engaged. That and the other alternative of guys who will be there every Monday are N.T.R. and friend. And well, if you know N.T.R. you know he's a smidgen A.D.D. and this movie will never get done. So we go through our list trying to think of who could do it and we call Soul Patch but he informs us that Monday night is his Study night (I guess he has a group) so he is out, his roommate wouldn't want to be the main character we all know that.

In the meantime we are also thinking on the girl and one of the girls in the room looks at me and says, "Why don't you be it." Excuse you? No. I try to remind them of my pivotal non-speaking role in the film and how it would be impossible to have me be the two characters in the same scene. 'Simple' they say, 'we show you, cut away and come back and you're the other character!' Genius....still no.

Then N.T.R. (who is already vying for three or four roles and director) says he wants to be the date man and his friend tells him he can't be all these characters and says that he wants to be the date man, but then he thinks on it and says that he can't be because how can he tackle himself? You see as flowing as this meeting was sounding we were constantly interrupted by N.T.R. and friend who kept throwing out ideas that they thought were funny (they....not everyone else). Such as N.T.R. would like to be Paul Revere and come in yelling 'The Red Coats are coming!' and Friend wants to be a rabid bunny, or a mad bunny, or a crazy bunny...can't remember which it is and a football player. He also wants to trash a car, tackle Date Man (the reason he can't be both), clog a toilet, throw ketchup on people, put mustard in a shampoo bottle, and the list goes on and on. I felt like telling him that we aren't actually going to cause any damage to person or property, so calm the heck down. He really thinks we are going to trash someones car?

So the question is still in the air as to whether or not have me as Date Woman (though I feel I have given my answer). Finally Kermie says quietly to me, "You don't want to do it do you?" and I shook my head. I almost said, "I don't like real dates why would I want to go on a fake one?" But I didn't. So issue resolved, at least where I am involved.

Finally (it's about 8:30 and my mind is numb and I keep staring at the ground so I don't have to acknowledge that I hear N.T.R. or Friend and I just want to go home) someone suggest that Kermie and Love-bug be the daters...which in N.T.R.s defense, he said that early on. So they will be it.

After a few more crazy suggestions for N.T.R. and Friend and a waxing desire to kill myself or them, we finally end the meeting at 9. I'm thinking to myself that if the next two months are anything like this I will hurt someone. I mean, words can't describe how draining this hour and half were. I suppose if you know N.T.R. then you can imagine, but I really haven't done the pain and disturbance the kind of justice it deserves. I've blocked much of it from my memory. It's like taking a picture of a beautiful scene as you are driving through the mountains, the picture just doesn't capture what it was really like, it's weak sauce when you compare it to the real thing, as is this story.