Chapter 84: Quarter-Century Crisis

I wish that when I was young I had a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wish I had a clear idea when I was in college. Instead, I have always wandered without any specific direction. I’m going to be 25 years old in two weeks (which I would have actually forgotten but my sister-in-law was so kind as to remind me of how far away my birthday was). Since I am turning a quarter of a century old I got to thinking about what I have accomplished so far. I have a full time job where I have no clue what exactly I’m supposed to be doing, and wondering when it is going to start to actually require some effort on my part. I can say that I got my college education; I just can’t say that I’m actually putting it to good use. I have yet to have a job that required a bachelor’s degree. My first full time job could be attained with a high school education and my current job could be attained with an associate’s degree. I have always loved to write, but have never made much out of anything that I’ve written, nor do I think I have the internal motivation to make that happen, or the natural talent to sell anything. As expected another year has gone by completely devoid of romance, and the prospects for the coming year look dim. I honestly think that if I didn’t have this job, a dog, and a car payment that I might pack up and move on from here. I swear if the dynamics of my job don’t change soon I doubt I could last another year, I need more than this. I can’t waste my days blogging at work or counting furniture, rechecking addresses, or alphabetizing RSVP cards. I don’t like that I know the exact number of leather chairs in the office (57 by the way). Though I feel like a lot has changed since 12 months ago I’m still sitting here wondering when life is going to begin. I suppose you could say I’m going through a quarter century crisis.

Observations of my Cubicle Neighbors

I have a lot of time on my hands today as my boss is really busy. I've been trying to kill time by visiting other people and what would seem longer was only ten minutes. So I started to spin myself in my chair, as I was seeing my neighbor's cubicle over and over again I started to notice certain things that I hadn't seen before. Like the fact that he has a bottle with protein powder in it, so I figure that he's trying to bulk up and judging by the two big stacks of paper on his desk he either doesn't know how to file or his filing cabinet is too full. He's got a sweater that he must have brought last winter and has never bothered to take it home because I've never seen him touch it since I've started working here. Also, I ran into him and he's growing a mustach which I'm sure he calls a 'stach because it looks like he's getting ready to audition for a 70's sitcom. Then the other neighbor always has two cans of diet coke on his desk and it's next to impossible to tell if he gets new ones every day or if they are the same cans I noticed two and half months ago. However, this is the only part of his cubicle that I can peek into. Why is this day dragging? I still have 55 minutes to go until I can go do something productive.

Chapter 83: I think I'll go die now

Under the advice of Ducky (yes, I ended up telling Ducky) I have cancelled my plans with Mr. Collins, not only cancelled leaving open an opportunity to reschedule but I tried to make it clear that hanging out with him is not something I am interested in doing ever. I was going to call on my lunch break, but an hour and half before I went to lunch I started to feel like I was having an anxiety attack. I’m familiar with what my pseudo anxiety attacks feel like, I used to have them regularly when I lived in Idaho working in a deli and I was in love with the produce man. Every time I even glimpsed his profile my gut would ache and my hands shake, my face would be burning hot and I wanted to do nothing but drop dead where I stood. Many similar feelings today except there were some additives, such as my heart was beating rapidly through my kidneys rather than where it should have been in my chest and I became lightheaded whether I was standing or sitting, I’m not sure if putting my head through my knees would have worked because I was a little embarrassed to try at the office.
So lunch time came, I got home and had my phone out ready to call and then I called Ducky instead, I needed a pep talk. She tried her best but I couldn’t stop the aching in my stomach and this was something I would rather not have to do at all. I got a little mad at Mr. Collins for just not giving up pursuit three months ago like he should have, but then again, he has no idea that I ran away from home so I wouldn’t be there when he arrived for the first “date”. I got Newbie to help me with what to say too and then I remembered that he is on Facebook and started to wonder if dating etiquette had planned for the abundance of technological devices, if Mr. Collins can ask me to “hang out” and if he can use a GPS system to get his way around, why could I not use my greater communication skill of writing to let him down? I am not saying “great” skill, do not suppose I’m confident in this, just know it’s “greater” than my speaking ability. I asked my roommates if it was okay to send an e-mail and they both said it would be fine because he uses unconventional methods to ask girls out. So I started on the longest, shortest e-mail of my life. It was only a few lines but it took me over half and hour to write. I hate that I was put into this situation, I hate that I’m unprepared on how to let a guy down without sounding like you suspected it was a date. I hate myself.
I sat in front of the computer with an unchanged e-mail staring back at me, I hadn’t made any adjustments to it in a couple of minutes but I still read and reread it to make sure it was what I wanted to say, and of course it wasn’t what I wanted to say it was the polite version of what I wanted to say. In all I got advice from Ducky, Newbie, Motor Mouth, and Eeyore. Eeyore offered to write him an e-mail for me, also he told me to just tell him he makes me uncomfortable and to move out to Utah (that’s where Eeyore is). All offers were very tempting. What I wouldn’t give right now to feel like the right thing for me is to move, however, I don’t feel that way, so I am probably staying put for a long, long time. I told Newbie that I would probably stay here forever because I’m supposed to die here, and Mr. Collins will be there by my side, doing magic tricks. I finally closed my eyes and sent the message. Then I grabbed my purse and my cars keys and came back to work, feeling emotionally drained. The anxiety in the pit of my stomach is still present, but my heart has returned to its proper place and I’m not as lightheaded as I was before. I’m worried about what Mr. Collins response will be, if there is no response I’m relieved and yet worried he didn’t get it, also worried that I hurt him too much for him to respond, when really I’m hoping he’ll be too angry to respond, it’s always better to have someone angry at you rather then sad over something you said. Also if he does write back what will he say? He’d better have gotten the message, I can’t be a jerk twice (though in this I do have experience and am pretty certain that I would just because when someone doesn’t get it I lose it and say how I really feel just to ensure the point is getting across…why can’t I do this the first time? Because it feels like I’m overacting. Oh man, I’m burning up!!

Chapter 82: The Return of the List

It’s time to grow up and stop acting like a child. Mr. Collins has asked me to “hang out”. He caught me at a dance that I had no intention of attending in the first place, but was talked into going by some friends. For the most part I had fun. I got to see a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a long time, though I didn’t meet anyone new, which is what I was going for. But I wanted to just emphasize the fact that I did for the most part have a good time. We all got to dress up in nice clothes and do our hair and feel really pretty for one night. Everyone got on the dance floor for some song and before I knew it Mr. Collins was sitting next to me, why he wasn’t on the dance floor was beyond me. All night he had been a dancing fool going crazy with dance moves from who knows where. Newbie was helping me to avoid him most of the night and I have to say that she does a very good job; she’s definitely worth keeping around. At one point there was a slow song and I saw Mr. Collins walking right towards me, Newbie and I had been talking to a male acquaintance of ours, I would call him a friend except that I never hang out with him and don’t really know him that well, but in a moment of desperation I grabbed his arm and quietly (as quietly as one can in a crowded room with music blasting) if he wanted to dance. As we walked by Mr. Collins he said something like, “Oh you stole her, I was going to ask her to dance.” Like I want to be in such close proximity with Mr. Collins! Anyway, back to what I started. So there he was sitting next to me and I all I could think was, “Please don’t pull out any magic tricks.” We start talking which isn’t so bad, he asks me questions about how work is going, I shoot the breeze back, during the conversation several people came up and asked me to come dance with them, by people we are talking girls, during a fast song, who couldn’t use tact if they tried but I appreciate their efforts. I had to decline though, because their attempts were too obvious, I’m too freaking nice, and I had already stated quite vehemently that I do not enjoy dancing (and this was stated to Mr. Collins). Then he did it, he said, “We haven’t hung out in a while, I almost feel like you’re avoiding me,” let me interject here, that would be because I have been avoiding you. Also, who told guys to throw that in? He’s not the first guy in 2007 to say to a girl, “It’s almost like you’re avoiding me,” I skimmed through the “Dating 101” course guide and no where in there does it say to tell this to a girl. If you feel like a girl has been avoiding you, she probably has. To bring it to her attention in hopes that you’ll get an “of course not” or maybe in your wildest dreams a, “Oh no, I like you, I want to date you, why would I avoid you?” is some serious self deception. If she says that she hasn’t been avoiding you she’s just too nice to say that she has been. Really nothing is accomplished by this statement. So of course I said, “No, I haven’t been avoiding you,” and hoped that my smile covered my lie. Then he says, “We should hang out sometime.”When a guy asks you out you’re given the opportunity to say, “you know what? I’m not interested in you like that.” When a guy asks you to ‘hang out’ you can’t say that because then you either look like you’re reading into it, or you’re just a jerk who won’t even hang out with a guy. When you want to ask a girl out it should be clean, cut, direct, to the point. Don’t tip toe around the issue with friendship jargon, if friendship is not your intention then you sure as hell shouldn’t use the lingo for it! I ended up saying, “yeah, sure,” but it’s the “yeah, sure” that normal people give to each other when they haven’t seen each other in a long time and they say “we should hang out” because while both people may mean it to be nice and in most situations people actually want it to happen, both secretly know that it won’t. Apparently the understanding was only on my side of the conversation. So he says, “We’ll have to do it this week because I’m booked the rest of December.” What are you a motivational speaker traveling through the country? Well, if you’re so busy maybe we should do this in another lifetime, one where your every action doesn’t bother me. I was caught, if it’s this week then that doesn’t leave me much chance to hope he forgets, or to act like I forgot. I was a deer in headlights and I’m certain I had that facial expression too. Finally I tell him what I’m doing, I work in dates, not days, so I needed to know the dates of next week. I think he got confused and thought of other “dates” for a moment but then finally pulled out his phone calendar. Mr. Collins has no lack of technology in his life, from a GPS system that holds his hand around the city to a cell phone that lets him know his plans. So we look at the calendar and I really wish that hanging out with Ducky every night counted as “plans”. He points at Friday and says that day is no good, but the rest of the week is open. So I say, “Tuesday” might as well get it over with in the beginning of the week. He pauses, “oh, then we’d have to do it late because I’ll be driving back from somewhere (I don’t remember)” To which in my mind I thought to myself, “Well, then Tuesday doesn’t work for you either so maybe you should have mentioned that.” Finally he suggest Thursday and seeing as I actually don’t have any plans on Thursday I agree. Then he says, “So what do you want to do?” This question only solidifies that this is not a date because a date should be planned. Another little tip, if you want to ask a girl out why don’t you stop and think about what you want to take her out to do before you ask her. Nothing is more annoying then a guy asking you out and then expecting you to become co-partners in planning. If you don’t want to feel like you’re telling her what to do, think of something, and then ask the girl if that is okay. Anyway, not the point here.The point is, I haven’t told anyone about “hanging out” with Mr. Collins, because telling people has never helped me to follow through like a mature adult. Also, because I don’t want to talk about it, I’d rather just forget it until the day of, endure it and then forget it when it’s over. I hadn’t really thought about it until today, when I hadn’t heard from him and was hoping that he’d forgotten, or had a change of plans so couldn’t. I keep telling myself my plan of action, if he tries to act like this is a date I simply tell him that he did not ask me out on a date, he asked me to ‘hang out’ and friends ‘hang out’. Also, as far a Facebook is concerned I have a boyfriend, so there are my two lines of defense. The last time I had to tell it to someone straight about not being interested it was a 17 year old from work (Puppy Love), when I didn’t tell him exactly what I meant and tried to give too many reasons why I wouldn’t date him he found the loop holes. So eventually it will have to come down to, “I’m not interested in you like that.”Oh another thing, in 84% of cases when a girl says, “You’re a great guy,” she doesn’t really mean it, she’s just trying to be nice. Just thought I would debunk that myth.