Chapter 109: I've lost count

I hate that I feel the need to write two blogs. I just feel as though if I wrote all that I wanted to in the other blog too many people would read it and then wonder why I’m so melancholy, not to mention a jerk, but that’s not really my main concern. But I just think that if I write something kind of sad there and no one responds I’ll think the worst, and if I do get a response it may be worse than if no one did. So I write in here, where I never expect comments and people are used to me being melodramatic, gloomy, pessimistic, and quite frankly presenting the worst side of myself.
I had a rough weekend, and it’s strange because I feel like it’s all resolved, and yet it’s not. But what is different is that I have decided to accept the way I am, and I think it’s a good thing, but at the same time, it’s not the best feeling in the world, it’s more like defeat rather than contentment. I’m settling because after years of trying I’ve realized that maybe it won’t happen, and maybe I can be happier if I don’t even try. Maybe initial defeat is a common side effect of accepting who you are.
It could be all the mellow music I’ve been listening to lately, or is the mellow music due to the mood I’ve been in? Which came first the chicken or the egg?
I think that things build up slowly, and then one day you find yourself not so sure of what you had been certain of the day before.
See, me being melodramatic. My apologies. Mostly, I just needed a little writing therapy and since this whole thing started out as a way for me to get some self-induce therapy, I figured it was the best place to turn to. Sorry for being vague, I just don’t feel like indulging details.