I feel like it's hit the fan.

I feel like I am in trouble, but I didn't do anything wrong. Except I don't feel like I did anything, I feel like I did do something wrong. Here's the gist.

This morning, boss lady asked me to call a candidate and inform them that they can book their flight (unusual, we usually do this for them) but the hiring manager wanted this guy to book his own flight and we would reimburse him. I was getting ready to call but put off because of a time zone difference. In the meantime I e-mailed the hiring manager to confirm that it was okay for me to call the guy and that he had nothing more to talk to him about. So then an hour later hiring manager comes over and talks to Boss Lady and I and tells us that he sent interviewee an e-mail early this morning telling him to book his flight and cab (and the cab part we are doing). He's going on and on about all this information I was supposed to collect and I'm sitting here in front of Boss Lady with my cheeks burning red cause that's not what I told him in the e-mail. But as it turns out he hadn't read my e-mail yet, at least not that I know of, or if he did he had done all of this before he had gotten my e-mail. Still...made me feel like I had tried to hand off the work or something and I part of me feels like I should go and explain to boss lady and the other part is telling me to just avoid her. I don't know which to do. I wish I had never sent the e-mail to Hiring Manager, that would have made all of this easy as pie. There wouldn't be a doubt that he did this all on his own and there wouldn't be the whole explaining why I did it. It just sucks. I don't like feeling this way.

I have had a twitch in my right eye since June 8th. That's right folks, we are fast approaching one month for this twitch. Some days it rarely bothers me, just a gentle pulsating to remind me that it is there, other days it is screaming, beating so abruptly that my hand instinctively flies up to stop it, but nothing works.

At work, in the last month, we have had 9 people quit. That could have something to do with this tick. Every Monday we had someone quit, and finally, this week, we haven't had anyone quit. The only person leaving the company turned in his two weeks notice - two weeks ago. He didn't change the date, he didn't get himself asked to leave early (like the last guy who was on the phone with brokers telling them where he was going and that our company was trash...yeah he was asked to leave two weeks earlier than planned). What I hate is that we are still paying the guy through the 8th of July because that's what his notice said and he gets benefits through the end of the month. But overall I am glad to be rid of the guy, he was constantly stopping by my desk saying the same idiotic things trying to make small talk. I don't do small talk. I do snide remarks, witty insults, and jokes as you are passing by. If you stop by my desk then there'd better be a good reason, or you are someone I am actually building some kind of relationship with. Whether as a survival relationship necessary to get things done with at work, or one of friendship because you appreciate my snide remarks and witty comments and I appreciate that you appreciate it. Other than that, don't stop by and talk to me for twenty minutes because you don't want to go back to work.

Then I was trying to get the televisions in our breakroom fixed and a woman comes walking through the door of the training room (which is actually just a door in one of the foldable walls so that you can move the wall and merge the training room and the break room). She says, "when is this going to get fixed?" and part of me just feels like people say that kind of stuff when I am around because it's part of my job. So I said, "Oh, I didn't know it was broken." I turned off my super hero powers so I can't quite tell right now when a moron walks into a door and breaks it. So I check it out, not broken, just knocked loose from the other foldable piece of the wall. Why is it knocked loose? Probably that moron I didn't hear. So I'll get it fixed later...when I feel like it.

As for right now, the workday is over, I'm going home.

Is there anybody out there?

Just an update.


I have renewed my contract for where I am living, but I won't be renewing again in June. I am hoping that by June my sister and her husband will be living up here and they will have a house with a basement. That's the plan, be her basement sibling. I would live there for at least a year and half. I tell you this so that I can just vent for a moment.

Sunday dinner at mom and dad's this comes up for some reason. Oh, that's right, my sister asks me how it went with the landlady and the security deposit. I told her it went well, and we are signed up for another year. Then they (random family members, not amazing with my attention to detail right now) ask if I will stay there after that. I tell them 'no'. Then I tell them the plan, to move in with my sister when they move up, and if not I'll be moving back home for a while to save money. So Sister-in-law is like, "dang I could use the extra help you can move in with us, we've got that one room, blah, blah, blah" You see...I had to stop listening so that my brain could focus on an excuse. There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever live in the same house. I can barely stomach conversation with her, but I do because I have been trying to be a better person. Nor could I live in the same house as her two daughters. They are decent enough as children go, but I found a personal form of birth control in them, something that works much stronger than any pill (i.e. they cripple my desire to have any of my own). So I kind of chuckle because unfortunately I have no words to tell her that it won't be necessary, my options are being limited to two things. Living in my sisters basement or living with my parents. Either are going to be more accommodating to me than she would. Plus, I realize that living with my sister I'm going to end up baby sitting from time to time, and you know what? I don't mind. Her children are my favorite, so I can live with that fate. What I cannot live with is the idea of getting roped into babysitting my nieces from time to time. If I live with my parent's my cousins will be old enough by then that they won't bother me as much as they did when I first graduated college (would be 4 years by the point I would move in with them)....Oy Vey - 4 years! Don't get me started.

So I think I got out of it, it will be a year until it comes up again anyway. That should give me plenty of time to come up with something should living in my sister's basement fall through.

Well, that's it for now.

Wing Man

I have decided (officially cause it's always been my unofficial stance) that being a Wing Man can't ever work. There were always the obvious reasons to me why it won't work. The Wing Man could fall for the love interest of their friend they are being the wing man for - I think people can follow that one.
This past weekend I have realized that being a wing man won't work for another reason. You build a relationship with the person whom you are trying to set your friend up with. I don't mean it in the above mentioned, you fall for the person, kind of way, but you build this friendship that you can't transfer over to your friend. Is this making sense? Here's the deal, my friend kind of likes this guy at church, let's call him the Socially Awkward Rebel, or S.A.R. I have no clue why I started to talk to S.A.R. but I did. He's completely random and I spent the first month knowing him just trying to figure out what he was talking about. When I found out that my friend liked him I thought I would try and help. You know, get to be better friends with him and then invite him to things where she would be, and maybe one day be able to set them up or something. I had not realized at the time that I was going against one of my cardinal rules. So I am friends with him now, and I still want them to get together, but I have run into a problem.
The problem is I don't know how to get him to transfer his attention to her and how to get her to know him well like I do. I felt for a while that it was working (at least the getting her to know him well part) but I realized this weekend that it's not working. Then last night, said friend and I were talking and she says, "Do you think that maybe S.A.R. wants to date you?" What? No. Impossible. First of all he knows I have a boyfriend, second of all I'm the buddy! So I tell her the first part, "Well, he knows about my boyfriend." Her response was that he also knows my boyfriend is leaving. I asked her why she would think that he would want to date me and she said that it was just interesting to her that he asked me who he should date. Which he did, about two weeks ago he randomly asked me who he should date. I wanted to say, "My friend" but then I felt like I shouldn't give that information out so easily. I asked him what kind of girl he was looking for and he said, "Not ex-hookers who have found God" So I was thinking he was just kidding, but then he brought it up again and I told him that maybe he shouldn't focus on who he should date, but rather ask a girl out, get to know her, ask her on the first date if she is an ex-hooker. Then from there, figure out who you want to date. He said that was too much effort so I told him that he should probably go for the ex-hookers then. He's never mentioned anything else about it, so I had kind of forgotten the situation.
I had S.A.R. and friend in the same room the other night, and both spoke to me but not to each other. Which bummed me out because how are they supposed to get together if they don't talk to each other? It's not like there were a lot of people around, there were three people in the room! I think that friend just got nervous and S.A.R. just doesn't even think about it.
Another problem could be that the more I get to know S.A.R. the more I think that maybe friend and him aren't compatible, I never thought they were, I hoped I would find something...but opposites attract. So, right now I'm just working off the fact that friend would be willing to date him. I think I just want to find someone that she would totally click with, I want her to be with someone because she really wants to be with someone right now. If things between her and S.A.R. aren't going to work out then I think I need to back off because I don't want to be caught in a social awkward situation.
I have to graduate from Wing Man to matchmaker. There is a difference. Wing Man figures out things about the interest that the person has chosen, a matchmaker makes the choice. They find someone that their friend will click with. So I am on the search for someone she will click with, I am matchmaker...not wing man.

Update

So....I haven't written in here in a while. There's a reason for that. I haven't felt the need. This is a venting blog, and I have either come to terms with things or I have found a person to vent to.
I do however want to update you on things going on.
In my house we had an interesting roommate...she moved in for about a month or so and right from the beginning wasn't sure of her permanence with us. She had stated to one friend that she wasn't sure if she would stay past June. So for the entire time she lived with us P.R. tried to find out if she planned to stay with us or not, because honestly, we needed to know. We shall call this roommate, Nomad, I think the name is fitting.
So P.R. and Nomad were locked in an everlasting battle of question and avoidance. Nomad turned out to be a liar too. I cannot reveal much detail about all of this because having the den as my bedroom I spent much time down there and never really interacted with Nomad. I have a pretty good sixth sense on when to avoid people, and an even sharper one on who to avoid. I have always gotten the "avoid" vibe from Nomad, long before she moved in.
Anyway, S.F.H.B. graduated and moved home and try as we might we were unable to find a new roommate to take her place. This meant that come June 1st we were all responsible for $100 more on rent. So, P.R. did the only thing she could do, she wrote a note to Nomad - we would have said something in person, but Nomad was rarely there. The note stated that when rent was due it would be $100 extra due to the lack of a fourth roommate. It also had a few housekeeping items on there. On Sunday night (May 24th) P.R. received her own note, Nomad informed her that she would be out by the 1st. So, instead of rent being $100 more for each of us, P.R. and I were now responsible for half each.
And I was leaving to go out of town that Wednesday. Therefore P.R. and I communicated via e-mail of what was going on. Nomad was completely gone by the evening of the 30th, our landlady is crazy - P.R. explained the situation to her and she wanted us to pay a new deposit when we signed the contract for June, but for me that would have been $1500 - I choose to eat in the month of June so that's not possible. She told us to hold off on rent until we meet to sign the contract (since I was out of town) so I haven't felt the financial blow of anything yet.
On the upside, we found two girls to move in. They can't move in until August though, however, they have moved in their stuff and offered to pay storage. P.R. and I are not about to turn down money. We are going to use it to offset the cost of utilities, since that's going to hurt our pockets in the same way rent well (and by that I mean we are paying half rather than quarter). We are meeting with the landlady tomorrow evening to "sign the contract" but hopefully she is letting us carry over the security deposit until August, when all four of us can sign a contract together. The way she was wanting us to do it was for P.R. and I to both pay the security deposit and we work it out later with the two new girls. I'm sorry, but I'm not a landlady, I don't want to work out the security deposit with them. What...have them pay their portion and when I get mine back pay them theirs? I'm sorry but it's too much work. Besides, I would feel more comfortable having all of us locked into a contract, that way what happened to us with Nomad can't happen again.
Anyway, oh and our washer broke. Landlady things she has fixed it, but it may flood again. Not looking forward to when that happens. Needless to say not quite as much laundry is getting washed in our household right now. We don't need the stress.
AND I've given up sugar...today is day one, so who knows, maybe by the end of the week I'll need this blog more than ever.

I'm not a complainer, I'm not a complainer...

Yes I am. And here's why.


First order of business. The dismal state of the kitchen.

Monday, during our snow storm, I got up at the regular time despite the fact that I could have gone back to bed, and I went upstairs and emptied the dishwasher. After emptying it, I loaded it (makes sense). Then I started it because we had so many dishes it constituted a full load. Then I made cookies. I left my dishes in the sink until the dishwasher finished, but by that point I had found other things to do. I assumed (which is wrong I know) that another roommate who had absolutely nothing to do the entire day would find it in their hearts to empty the dishwasher and put their dishes in (they don't even need to put mine in, I'll do that, just theirs). Rather it continued to build. The sad thing is, the only dishes I used were all in a bowl together and I actually didn't use any other dishes from Monday until I used a plate yesterday. And that plate is in my room right now. In the meantime no one emptied the dishwasher. Three days of dishes piling up and there were more being used all the time! I couldn't understand why no one else was emptying it. The sink was packed and the dishes were stacked on the counter!!! Talk about vomit. There were only two of them? How the hell did they get so many dishes (pardon my language)? Anywho, I'm kind of over that because this morning there were no dishes in the sink...but it's not allowed to happen again!!

...I need my own place.

Second order of business. Best Friends.

What is a best friend? What are qualities that are sought after when one seeks a best friend? Does one seek a best friend or do they fall into your lap?


I'm a believer that best friends fall in your lap, or more so they are brought into your life when you need them. But they also have certain qualities that make them stand out more than the other friends. They are more dependable, more apt to fake happiness for you (even if they don't think what you have to be happy about is all that happy), they are good listeners (but you need to be one in return), they think about you even if you aren't there so they call you or e-mail you just to say they miss you, they'll stick with you even when you cry or go into a hermit like state. So many things that a best friend does infinitely better than just a regular friend.


At the same time they tell you what they are thinking, they tell you when you are being stupid. They'll give you advice when they think that's what you want (or sometimes need despite what you think), or they'll keep quiet if they think you just want someone to listen. You can get in a fight with them like you would with your sister (you can yell and scream all you want but in the end you still love each other).


Best friends are a good thing to have, because sometimes you need an extension of your family, and that's what a best friend is, an extension of your family. Maybe not the family you grew up with, but what or whomever you deem your true family to be.


With that said I almost feel like I shouldn't start complaining.


...almost.


I got a call from one of my best friends (and I know there is a joke that I have so many of them, but you must understand I have had many different phases in my life, and each phase required adaptation and most of the times a new best friend). She calls me every so often (as stated above, a best friend calls you when they are randomly thinking of you, even when they are thousands of miles away). I'm the rotten friend because I never call her. But she's still on my "pick up" list and as long as I'm not too busy I do pick up. I even picked up during a regional activity a few weeks ago. Keep in mind (which you couldn't have before but you sure can now) that this is the best friend who I told that we probably wouldn't be best friends in 5 years. She was highly offended and I tried to explain that I was just being a realist. Seriously, we had no intention of even living on the same side of the country and people grow apart. I have never disillusioned myself to believe that these people will actually come visit me, despite any travel arrangements that I make to go see them.


Ranting and rambling but trying to stay focused, bear with me.


Whenever she calls I have begun to notice that it's a short call, when she is driving or is waiting for her husband to come home, and it's to tell me something about her (not a problem, that's what friends do...they listen) ...but that's what friends do...they listen. She doesn't listen, and I don't know if she ever did, but I feel she must have listened before. I've had so many things that I have wanted to tell her before but I can't get a word in. Then last night, she tells me everything that she needs to say and then she says, "So what's new with you?" and I tell her not much. But I think of a few exciting things to tell her and it's almost like there's something/someone in the room with her distracting her from the conversation. Totally disinterested. And it bothered me a little because only a few minutes before I sounded the peppiest I have sounded in a long time while she spouted off random bits of news in her life. She didn't even laugh at my joke I made...I just feel like she wasn't even listening!! Then she says, "OK, well I'm going to let you go." ...okay. I just don't get it...Did she just turn of the switch while I was talking and figured when I grew quiet it was because I was done, so now it's time to hang up? Did I make her angry? Have I changed? Has she? Were we always this way but I just never noticed??

We are coming up on the three year mark...only two more years before my prediction becomes reality, and at this rate I might be right.

Small annoyance....when my boss tells me that I was the one who was in charge of something (such as ordering something) and that item is here and it was brought back in June, but I didn't order it.
Then she says "Don't you remember?" and is getting frustrated like she can't believe that I don't remember and I'm getting nervous because I can't believe she doesn't remember. So I just say, "Yeah I remember".
It's okay...this is life.

Snow Days

Yesterday was a snow day. I didn't think I would ever get one as an adult, but yet there I was. I lived in Idaho for a good four years and survived every winter. I bundled up and walked to class, I drove to the store when necessary, I slipped and fell and laughed at myself countless times. But I have grown soft, and a powdering of snow left me incapacitated. I didn't feel like anything was important enough to venture out into the snow for. I bundled up and forced my dog to go outside to go to the bathroom, but I didn't once set foot in the snow (except for what was built up on the patio, which was a good amount). I didn't want to get snow in between my socks and my shoes, I didn't want the bottoms of my jeans to soak through. I think it was because I knew I wouldn't be able to warm up fast enough in our 60 degree house and with my ever fading heater.

So I was holed up at the house, not a problem at all. I was dressed, I did laundry, I emptied the dishwasher and loaded it, I made cookies, I worked on my story, I talked to Ducky on the phone, I watched Pushing Daisies, I did so, so much of nothingness yesterday and I can't say I hated it. Well, I did begin to hate it around 5 o'clock but my body treats extreme boredom like it treats extreme pain and soon I was knocked unconscious. I woke up and it was dark in my room and I freaked, I didn't know what time it was, what day it was, or anything (this is the reason I don't take naps). The sad part was, the nap was no more than 45 minutes...but it recharged me for another round of nothing.

That's not why I am writing though. The reason I am writing is because I wasn't stuck in the house alone. P.R. and SFHB were also there. Not a problem at first, but time with SFHB quickly becomes one. I really like P.R. I love talking to her and I feel like I can tell her anything, and I do tell her a lot...the only problem is SFHB has super sensitive hearing. So many times when I am telling a story to P.R., SFHB comes down the stairs and says, "What was that?" as though I had been directing my statement to her, when I had not been. I think P.R. realizes that this is a possible issue (and may even be one that bugs her as well) because she never rats me out when instead of repeating what I have said I look at SFHB and say, "Your mom" or some other remark to deter her.

Yesterday however I was on Facebook and I got a text from Ducky asking if I had a moment to chat. She didn't know we had snow and the state closed down...so I called her and she said something funny right off the bat so I was laughing and I hear the little "popping" sound that indicates that someone has IMed me on Facebook, and I look over and it's SFHB and she says, "What are you laughing at?" I wanted to say, "Your mom." but felt I had been over using that one lately, so I ignored her for a while and then just said, "I'm on the phone." Then Ducky was talking about the ghost tour she went on and it was freaking me out so I told her I was going to throw up and SFHB IMed me again and said, "Don't throw up." I wrote back that she was creeping me out and she had to stop. So from that point on I started to talk quieter, and at one point I got up and moved so that I would be in the part of my room that is below Moxie's room. I don't like that she can hear everything so well down in my room and I can't wait until she moves. It was a conversation between my B.F.F. and I and I don't think she should have been listening. If she can hear it then she either ignores it or she turns on the music or the TV. If she had those things on she wouldn't be able to hear me. It just bothered me.

She's lucky I didn't go all "The Shining" on her and whip out my ax...or even a shovel would have done. Unfortunately, as I realized yesterday, we don't seem to own any of these important tools...I'll do my best to rectify that situation before the next snow storm.

And I got what I got all despite you and I get what I get just to spite you.

Okay, it's been a while and it's not like I really have time on my hands to do this, but I am going to do it because I love you guys.

So Wednesday morning I put my facebook status as, something like I'm excited for the concert. Cause I was. If people reply to this it's no biggie, because I put it out there. Don't e-mail me at work and hound me about it. So of course this means that nosey SFHB e-mails me and asks me what concert I'm going to and who with. She e-mailed me in the morning and I waited until 4:58 to write her back and tell her that I was going to see "Against Grace". I did not inform her who with.

I felt bad about this, not in the sense that I was going to apologize or that I worried about her feelings. It was the kind of bad you feel in retrospect and also not the kind where you feel bad for the person. It was the feel bad because if anyone else had asked I don't think I would be as upset/annoyed. Like when Diva asked if I wanted to hang out with her because we would both be in UT at the same time she threw in that she knows I don't like to do that but was asking anyway. I wrote back and told her we could (and I really think it would be fun) and that I don't actually mind hanging out with people from home when I'm across the country (really how many people can actually do that!?) it just applied to SFHB. I'm a rotten person...what can be done?

More writing I suppose.
So this morning she e-mails me and asks me how it was and I write back and said that I had a lot of fun and am a little in love with the band. I also tell her that I'll post the pictures tonight. I felt like that was substantial information. But when I got back from lunch there was an e-mail from her. She asked again who I went with and the little brat in my head is telling me to just not write back. She'll find out when she sees the pictures! I don't know why I'm so prideful on this issue. Seriously, I should just say, "Diva and Petunia. What now!?"

...can I do it? I don't know.