Chapter 112: I just need some e-space.

If I could get some space, or spend one night without having to talk with someone I think that I would be okay, I think that I could calm down and stop feeling at random moments as though my heart were going to explode.

Newbie is sitting in my room as we speak, why is she here? Not quite sure, but the up side is that I have my laptop and my computer because before she would come in and pick up my laptop and check her e-mail and crap as though she doesn't have her own laptop. Now she is on my computer checking her e-mail, well she was, now she's just checking random things on the web. She's surfing the web!! All I freaking want is one night where I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to be in the same room as anyone, I need to just have time away. I don't want to talk about house hunting, I don't want to hear you mumble to yourself, I now hate the show Wicked and lack any and all desire to see it, I hate that she uses my stuff like it's hers. This isn't a "what's mine is your and what's yours is mine" kind of relationship. I'm going stir crazy!!

So she gets on my computer to look something up (don't know why she can't go upstairs and look at it on her own computer) and then she checks her e-mail, which means she's signing me out of mine, which takes awat the whole appeal of a personal computer if you're going to have to sign in again because someone came in without asking and signed in under their name. Then she clicks the link to facebook from her e-mail and she's saying the same friend sent her the same piece of flair and then another one and another one and then she realizes that she's on my account. That's fine, just sign out, but she doesn't sign out. She goes to my home page and starts reading my news feed. Who the hell do you think you are? So I say, "Yeah, that's mine and I have a right to privacy so I'm going to have to ask that you sign off." Her response, "I'm reading it," in a teasing tone of voice. Oh I didn't realize that you wanted to be The Antagonizer Reincarnate. My response, "I'm calling the privacy cops," my nice way of saying that if you don't stop bugging me I'll kick you to the curb and fast. She finally signed out and signed back in under her name, which means that I won't be automatically signed in, doesn't matter so much now that I have my lap top, so I'm willing to let that go.

Then she gets up to go upstairs (giving me the play by play of what her next thirty minutes consists of) and she's looking around my room, oh when she first came in she lifted up my scanner and looked into it, I told her she was dropping my stuff from the top and she said, "No I'm not," I heard something fall, and why the hell are you opening up a person's scanner? Not that it's ubber private or anything, but, what possessed you to do that? But as she was leaving she looks at my movies and picks one up and she's just little miss gotta touch everything, which bugs me about my cousins who are 9 and 7 so why should I not get aggrevated by an adult version who's gotta touch everything in my room. There is such a thing as privacy and if you don't back off I'm going to attack you!

Silence, I Kill You!

Chapter 111: You're making me angry

Okay, I have to get something off of my chest. I like Newbie, but sometimes she bugs me. It’s interesting because it’s not the kind of bug where I need to get as far away from her as possible (thought sometimes I do need a break) it’s the kind of annoyance like my sister sometimes is. She is so much like my sister and when I’m not in a good mood it doesn’t help. It’s not that I’m in a bad mood necessarily, but I’m getting there.
So Newbie and I for some reason doing all the work of finding a house even though the whole idea was Dino-girl’s. I mean, we could’ve stayed in the house we’re in until the day we die but Dino-girl is moving and asked me to be her roommate which started this whole thing.
Well, we had a house that we were very close to getting but someone else beat us to it, by possibly 1 day. So after about 2 hours of thinking and moping about not getting this house I really wanted I got back to work, as did Newbie. We both found the same house at the same time so Newbie e-mailed and we even drove over 10 o’clock at night to look at it. But they won’t e-mail back and we have both called and left messages…nothing. So then she e-mailed one house and I e-mailed another. The one I e-mailed happens to be in New York, I don’t want to even talk about why that house shouldn’t have even shown up on my search. So Newbie found one and we are going to go take a look at it, well, we are going to try. I told her I could go tonight so she e-mails me and we make arrangements to meet up and go take a look. So I ask her, just to double check, if she has scheduled this with the guy. She writes back and says, “No, but I’m in class so you can do it.” I don’t know why, but it pissed me off. First off I’m at work, I don’t make personal calls during work, I have done it once because my cousin’s school called because he was sick and they couldn’t get in touch with anyone else, so one personal call to call them back. I can’t even call until 5…and one more thing, I don’t even have the guys number, she’s been the one in contact with him since the beginning. I haven’t even written her back because I would only reply rudely and I don’t feel like back peddling. I can see her saying it to, because she sometimes gets angry at people for stupid reasons, like if someone goes to the movies and doesn’t invite her. I personally don’t care, if you were already out and decided to go to the movies with the group of people you’re with you shouldn’t have to think about calling someone who’s not even there. I would do the same thing. She’s gotten upset about this on more than one occasion because she feels like she’s entitled to an invite. I know it’s horrible to say, but right now I’m getting sick of her.
I’m just tired, I’ve been super busy for who knows how long now and I’m sick and tired of looking for a place to live. I don’t even want to live with these girls anymore. (I know that this is probably a momentary thing) but it’s ticking me off right now. I just want a week night where I can stay at home and not feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere doing something. I’m still mad about Monday when I sat in the parking lot of the church for an hour and ten minutes waiting for the building to even open when I was told that we would be meeting at 7:30. Tuesday night I don’t mind not being home because I absolutely love Institute class, it’s my only sane responsibility. Tonight I’m supposed to meet with a friend and play games, because somehow I got sucked into this weekly tradition, tomorrow I have to go on visits for church, as far as I know though Friday is open and I plan to just stay at home, only thing is, Newbie will probably want to hang out or come in my room. Sometimes a girl just needs to be left alone and I haven’t been left alone in a long time. Last Saturday I had to take the time, I skipped a meeting I was supposed to go to and I did things that I had been meaning to do for a while. Washing my car, my dog, doing laundry, etc. I’m not even replying to the e-mail. I don’t know if I will before 5 o’clock, but if I don’t I don’t care. I’ve stopped caring. Unneeded stress is getting eliminated right now.
Then I have stress here at work. I keep asking people questions, when you ask someone a question for work it usually awaits an answer, I’m not throwing out rhetorical questions here! After a week and half I e-mail a lady back because I had e-mailed her a question and I wasn’t getting an answer. So I e-mail her and ask her if she’s had a chance to review my e-mail and possibly had an answer for me. She e-mails back almost immediately and repeats herself from what she said before…well, that’s where my question originated from, but it’s not the answer to it, you’re just going back a couple of steps. But she also gives me a customer service number I can call to get the answer. I’m happy to call the customer service number but I’m thinking, “Shouldn’t our account rep know the answer to this?” Considering it just had to do with changing a person’s address. So I call the customer service and this guy throws me off by asking for a member number, so after a little bit of stuttering I said, “I don’t have an account with you as an individual I just have a question. So he lets me get a freebie and I ask my change of address question, his answer, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that will do it.” Oh…okay, so I have to go with an answer of “pretty sure” because my rep is clueless and the customer service guys is my only hope. So I tell my boss verbatim what the guy said.
Then I had an issue with this kid passing an exam but he never gave me the registration papers to sign up for the class. So I e-mail the lady I send the registrations to and asked her if he registered directly with her or what because I can’t find the forms. She is usually pretty good at responding but 7 hours later she finally writes back that he switched his testing window from the previous testing window due to extenuating circumstances. Hello? That’s not what I asked! I don’t care that he switched testing windows, I still have no record of his registering to take the class…how do you put that in polite, professional terms?
I had had it, thinking about Newbie, and not getting responses to the actual questions I’m asking, and thinking about how much I don’t want to do anything right now, and then there are boys and how nothing seems to go right with them, and anything else you can think of, I’m stressed. So I took my “smoke” break and went and sat on a bench outside. On my way out I passed one of the managers and he seemed sad, and I know why though because his wife was in a car accident, a pretty bad one from what I understand, so he was outside actually smoking and that made me stop thinking about myself for a while, but then I got to thinking of other things, self centered, and just sat on the bench, contemplating not coming back in. Then these two lawyers walk out of the building and I look up and the younger one (totally cute, darker skin, black hair, gorgeous smile) and I make eye contact and for once in my life I smile instead of nervously look away and come off as a snob and he smiles back and keeps looking back at me for a bit and we are both smiling and then I get uncomfortable and look away. That is me, that’s how I am with guys…what a Dumbo. P.S. still haven’t e-mailed Newbie back.

Chapter 110: Hello, Worthless. Miss me?

Title is a movie quote don't take it personally.
So it’s been a while since I’ve written…I wonder if that is how I started out last time? I don’t know if I just haven’t had anything too stressful to write about or if I just don’t care anymore. It’s probably lack of caring or lack of desire on filling people in on my personal business. I may write openly here, but it doesn’t mean I’m filling in all the details and I know it’s a shocker but there are certain aspects of my life I keep private. One such aspect is usually who I like. That’s right, I’m not always forthright about what member of the male species I have a crush on. If you think that I am going to admit who I like in this entry you should just abort the mission now.
There are reasons that I don’t tell people who I like, there are so many reasons. The main one is that usually when I admit that I like someone something happens, they get a girlfriend, they move, they dump me in their own version of Buddyland. If I have told people who I like and they come to find out that one of these things have happened then they feel bad for me, and there’s nothing worse for me then having someone put on the pity riot. Trust me, I feel bad enough for myself, I don’t need anyone’s help.
Well, recently I have had a difficult time with my crushing. I found myself thinking about a particular person a lot and I couldn’t quite figure out why I looked for them to come through the door or hoped they would be at a party. Then one day it hit me, I liked them, that was odd, usually I know like them before all that other stuff happens, not this time though which threw me off guard. So many times I felt like I had to tell someone that I liked him because that’s what people tend to do. It’s human instinct to desire to share a secret with at least one person, it builds up inside of you like carbonated in soda and you’re just shaking and feel like if you don’t tell someone you’re going to explode. Stupid feelings. Well, I resisted the urge several times, I hung up the phone a couple of times, and finally was able to steer clear of telling my secret. It’s funny though because once I’ve figured out I like a guy I can’t act like myself, and when I’m not acting like myself I’m acting like a snob. Not intentional, it’s just I sit there and think too much about how I’m supposed to act now that I know I like someone.
This particular guy of whom I was speaking earlier and whose name shall not be handed out to anyone, even those who desperately seek it, but who shall only be known as Bachelor No Go, seemed to be interested in me at one time, which only makes my behavior more unnatural. I think he flirted with me once, but I didn’t quite know what was going on and I may have extinguished any chance. Since then it’s been nothing, he’s giving his attention to a girl who knows how to respond to things and I am just trying to work things back up to how they were, but then again, maybe it’s all in my head, which it very easily could be.
Recently I was at a movie party Dino-girl’s I call her Dino-girl because she’ll need a name and she likes the movie Jurassic Park. I ended up sitting next to Bachelor #2 on his request, with Bachelor #1 in front of my legs (tight room for a movie party). I didn’t mind sitting next to Bachelor #2, but I did mind that Bachelor #1 couldn’t stop moving and every time he moved he bumped into or sat on my legs and on more than one occasion my knee cap was in his arm pit (the epitome of disgusting). Now as many of you know Bachelor #2 is a bit of a flirt, I accuse him of having the rare ability of flirting with two girls at once without making either upset. Most of that could be due to the fact that we don’t take him seriously. Anyway, I recently came to find out that Dino-girl likes Bachelor #2, not difficult to see, he’s very charming. But sometimes I wish that girls didn’t share that information, I didn’t press her for it, she just told me, obviously suffering from the same carbonated drink syndrome (CDS) that I have suffered from before.
Well, me sitting next to him during the movie didn’t make her all too happy and I almost felt like tell her that her sitting next to Bachelor No Go during the movie evened out the playing field, but that would involve admitting that I liked Bachelor No Go, which I refuse to do when his real name is involved. Anyway, so movie is playing and Bachelor #2 puts his arm around me, which is normal behavior from him, I jokingly scoot in to cuddle better, because this is the way we are. I did happen to notice that he didn’t have his arms around both girls sitting on the couch with him which goes against predictable behavior, but I chalked it up to the fact that he doesn’t really know that girl, when you don’t really know someone and they don’t really know you it’s best to keep your hands and arms to yourself…I’ve said this before actually, a long, long time ago. Bachelor #2 had a blanket and a pillow and he hands them to me to put on the floor next to me (the room is warm with all those people in it) so later when Bachelor #1 takes the blanket off of him and it ends op on Bachelor #2’s knee I jokingly pull it up to his waist since I know that he didn’t want a blanket, he looks at me and I smile and pull the blanket off because apparently the joke is lost. I try to explain it and then he tells me the blanket has been there almost the whole night. Really? To which he said, “Seriously? That’s the first time you’ve looked at my lap?” I said, “Well, yeah,” why would I look at his lap? He said he was hurt and I did an obvious lie and said that I looked at his lap all the time.
The weirdest part for me, it wasn’t the looking at his lap ordeal as you might think, was when he had his left hand tucked under his right arm and he rubbed my side…what is that? I didn’t know how to react so I didn’t, and he asked if I was ticklish, I said I suppose not, but then he hit a spot where I was and I said, “except for there”. He kept doing that for a little bit though and I’m still to this day trying to figure out why. So after the movie everyone gets up, we all go to socialize, eat, etc. I got caught in a conversation with Mr. Collins and luckily Dino-girl’s sister called me into the kitchen to help her with something and after that I was more easily able to avoid him. I went and sat down on the other couch in the main room and Coz was sitting where I had been sitting. He put his leg up on my knees (by the way, earlier he said we could cuddle because we were cousins and that was okay, and I told him that believe it or not we weren’t in West Virginia and that’s a bit incestuous, if he wants to cuddle with me he can’t throw in the fact that in his mind we are cousins). Then Bachelor #2 comes over, Coz offers him a seat and Bachelor #2 says he has one and he climbs over the couches and sits on my lap. A bit awkward, not to mention uncomfortable, it was still warm in that room. After people laugh and one girl takes a picture Bachelor #2 leans in and kisses my forehead (apparently the forehead kiss is the kiss of 2008, it’s house I brought in the New Year if you recall). Again, didn’t know how to react, so I say, “Oh, well, thank you.” To which he laughs. Then Dino-girl comes in and says, “It’s time for you to go,” half joking, the kind of half joke that guys would think is a joke, but girls can pick up on the hidden truthfulness, especially girls who know that the one speaking likes the guy sitting on their lap. So I finally get him off my lap. I sit chatting with other people for a while. I finally decide to stand up because I’ve been sitting for so long. I start to walk into the dining room, here comes Bachelor #2, he takes me out! He comes right at me and pushing me over the back of the chair I’m standing next to. If you thought anything else about this evening had been awkward consider this the most awkward part. So I hurry to get back up and I look at Dino-girl and I say, “He did that!” I like Dino-girl, she’s going to be my roommate, I don’t want her to hate me before we move because Bachelor #2 is in a particularly flirtatious mood that evening.
He finally left and I stuck around for a while, somewhat hoping to patch things up with Dino-girl. Once I felt like we were hopefully okay I went home. We seemed okay on Sunday, and I didn’t say anything to Bachelor #2, not attempting to avoid him. I did walk by him once without saying anything but he was talking to one of the missionaries, so I went on to class. Then I saw him on Tuesday and we talked a bit, but I didn’t really know what to say. I’m hoping that things return to normal because I like Bachelor #2 and don’t want things to be different between us, just a little more subdued so as not to tick off my future roommate.
In the meantime Bachelor #1 keeps hugging me and crap…gross. We are in the same group for a movie project and he’s the male lead and they have a girl coming in for the part of female lead and she wasn’t there this past Monday and I’m the only girl in my group who shows up, so one of the other guys in the group asked why I couldn’t be the female lead, well I don’t know, aside from the basic fact that I don’t like to be on camera and my acting skills suck, oh and I don’t do repeats. I say, “I can’t do that.” And then Bachelor #1 comes up to me, puts his arm around me and says, “The leading lady and I get to kiss,” and I looked at the guy who asked why I couldn’t be the lead and I said, “I can’t do that.” To which every laughed. Then Bachelor #1 keeps saying, “We should go out again sometimes.” I mean you remember how these Bachelor names started right? A list of guys I would ask out so Mr. Collins wouldn’t be my last date before I died. Bachelor #1 was the first guy on the list…mostly because he bugged me but I thought, let’s give it a go. Guess what? Still bugs me. Not to mention he admitted that he’s made out with Ms. X, my dreaded nemesis from high school, that puts a damper on his prospect ability, even if nothing else stood in the way, like the fact that I don’t even like him to touch me, and he’s too much personality for me (that’s a nice way of saying he’s annoying, but unfortunately I had to explain that and there for already said he’s annoying). Anyway. I think that’s it, 3 pages in word perfect should be enough for you to not feel so bad about me not writing so often.