Chapter 109: I've lost count

I hate that I feel the need to write two blogs. I just feel as though if I wrote all that I wanted to in the other blog too many people would read it and then wonder why I’m so melancholy, not to mention a jerk, but that’s not really my main concern. But I just think that if I write something kind of sad there and no one responds I’ll think the worst, and if I do get a response it may be worse than if no one did. So I write in here, where I never expect comments and people are used to me being melodramatic, gloomy, pessimistic, and quite frankly presenting the worst side of myself.
I had a rough weekend, and it’s strange because I feel like it’s all resolved, and yet it’s not. But what is different is that I have decided to accept the way I am, and I think it’s a good thing, but at the same time, it’s not the best feeling in the world, it’s more like defeat rather than contentment. I’m settling because after years of trying I’ve realized that maybe it won’t happen, and maybe I can be happier if I don’t even try. Maybe initial defeat is a common side effect of accepting who you are.
It could be all the mellow music I’ve been listening to lately, or is the mellow music due to the mood I’ve been in? Which came first the chicken or the egg?
I think that things build up slowly, and then one day you find yourself not so sure of what you had been certain of the day before.
See, me being melodramatic. My apologies. Mostly, I just needed a little writing therapy and since this whole thing started out as a way for me to get some self-induce therapy, I figured it was the best place to turn to. Sorry for being vague, I just don’t feel like indulging details.

Chapter 108: Indecision

So I found a house to rent, 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, $995/month. It sounds great, except one thing, no pets. In case it slipped your notice I have a dog. I’ve been venting to my sister through e-mail about this because I would really like to move and I’d like to move into this house, but I have a dog. I told her sometimes I hated that I had a dog, but I love him, I made sure to tell her that. Then I tried to think of options, maybe he could be a border at my parent’s house for a year until I’m ready to buy my own place, my sister suggested getting an outdoor kennel and promising not to let him in the house. I like both ideas but sometimes I feel like my sister thinks I’m a horrible person for suggesting that my dog not live with me for a year. I love my dog, I really do, but it’s not like this type of thing hasn’t been done before. People do it with their children much less their dogs. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself mixed up with this puppy owning business and then I remember that I was there when they were born, I had a way out, my sister wasn’t going to hold me to the impulsive agreement to own one, but when I held Chubbers in my hand I just loved him.
If I am going to have him live at my parent’s house I am going to write up a contract stating that it’s only for a year, and that in that time I will put him through obedience school, pay for all his expenses, and possibly employ the children to help feed and water him. I don’t know, do you think I’m a bad person for this?